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10 Signs you’re addicted to loving a cheater

Here on Lovefraud, we often say that the incredibly strong feelings you have for someone you know is a sociopath are not really love, but addiction.

How can you know? And how does this happen?

Donna Andersen has just contributed an article to YourTango.com, a website dedicated to love and relationships, that answers the questions. Here are some of the signs:

1. You confront him about the calls on his phone from other women. He comes up with excuses, and you know they are lame, but you accept them anyway.

2. He says it’s your fault that he cheated on you, and you agree with him.

3. You keep telling yourself that if you could just be more loving, patient, sexy, etc., he would make you his one-and-only.

Read the rest of the article here:

10 Signs you’re addicted to loving a CHEATER, on YourTango.com.



Comment on this article

27 Comments on "10 Signs you’re addicted to loving a cheater"

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Hi Donna,

I’m posting to let you know that your article, “10 Brutally Obvious Signs You’re In A Relationship With A Sociopath,” reprinted on ThoughCatalog, Sept. 10, 2015, has been called out for willful contribution to the stigma associated with mental illness and disorder.

As your name is attached to the article, and you have yet to respond, I’m letting you know as a courtesy, so that you might clarify your position. I can provide links if needed, but chose to refrain in accordance with your site’s policies. I will leave this post in one other location on your page. Any correspondence is appreciated.

Best,
TCm

LOL…so…by educating people how to avoid being victimized by sociopaths and how to heal after being victimized by sociopaths, she is contributing to the stigma associated with mental illness and disorder? Because here’s the thing. A person can lack empathy for whatever reason and still understand that it is in his or her OWN best interest to not act in ways that victimize others. They can realize that breaking the law is not OK. People who lack empathy do not automatically lack the ability to know right from wrong. Actually, many who are victimized by sociopaths also struggle with mental illness of some sort, at the very least depression and anxiety. Not sure the purpose of what you are saying, TCmessenger, other than to troll….

To whoever regarding the article written by Donna Andersen:
I read the comments from Tam Kort regarding Donna not being a mental health professional..
She, Donna Andersen is more qualified that any BH “professional” on this topic and personally discussed this topic with at least 6 mental health professionals, ya know the folks with letters behind their name??? Psychiatrists, psychologists and LCSW’s
Not one of them as a paid therapist or friend I know with letters, have a clue what the reality is regarding these disordered individuals and that is a fact, nor do they know how to treat the victims left behind while they just continue on like nothing happened.
One professional asked ME, his patient how I became so knowledgeable on the subject and referred the doc to Lovefraud.com
Check out Dr. Stephen Porter’s research.
Dr. Porter is in the UK.
Stronginthecity

Hi SITC! Hi Donna!

some thoughts:
LAUGH OUT LOUD to THE “PC” CROWD!!

If we’re not careful, listening to them is going to get us hurt one way or another, because all of their BS is an attempt to divert our attention away from REALITY, with a strange sick goal of blaming the victim, and protecting the “offender”, as I am reminded, when I hear comments from people who have no real life experiences that actually forced them to face truly disordered evil minded people, nor the aftermath from an encounter with one.

Such as an abusive SOCIOPATHIC human.

Here in America, I can call them SOCIOPATHS.
Other, more PC minded people can spin it however they want to. It won’t change the REALITY of what a SOCIOPATHIC human is like, and what they are capable of doing to others.

TCm, don’t fret, calling a SOCIOPATH a SOCIOPATH won’t hurt the SOCIOPATH’S um,,,,FEELINGS one iota, because they don’t GIVE A DAMN about what anyone thinks.

So, I rhetorically ask this: Why should the PC crowd give a damn either? Is it force of habit?

Face it. Something IS or IS NOT DANGEROUS, no matter what we call it!
A rose is a rose shall I say?

A pile of dung is a pile of dung. Here on Lovefraud, we’re here to help clear the dung off of the path, dung with the unfortunate problem of PSYCHOPATHY, whether the PC crowd can admit it or not.

Thanks to Donna, I’m personally not stepping in IT, anymore.

Any Questions?

NC=LIFE

Peace,
Jenni

Here’s the thing…I could imagine that there are people out there who are lower on the spectrum of sociopathic traits, or who were perhaps even misdiagnosed, who really do want to be productive members of society. Or perhaps they see how others with normal empathic capacities live and relate and function, and they honestly do wish they had that ability. For people like that, yes, the stigma would be harsh. I get that. But those people (and anyone defending them) HAVE TO REALIZE that the intended audience for websites like this is NOT sociopaths. Let sociopaths who want to relate in a healthier manner create their own websites that address the difficulty of such stigma. How is it that we as victims are supposed to tiptoe around the feelings of sociopaths, when we don’t see any “recovering” sociopaths speaking out about the atrocities committed against us? Seems a bit unbalanced, if you ask me, which makes me really question the motives of those demanding political correctness in how we speak about people afflicted with a disorder they did not choose…Just sayin’…

Thank you for bringing the concept of spectrum into the considerations on this page.

I didn’t want to get very involved over here, I understand this is a place of healing for the community, to whom I bear no ill will. That said, I originally encountered the article on a different page, with no context, and in that light it upset me very personally.

I just wish, and would make an earnest request to the author, that she try to move forward in helping others heal in a way that avoids propagating further victimization.

Sociopathy is a birth condition and a neurological reality, NOT calculated decision, or a conspiracy against anyone. Come on, this is century 21…
I don’t want to and won’t defend the actions of the people who hurt anyone here; my point is that victimizing people is wrong. You all already know that. Revenge is no excuse.

The societal ramifications of this level of targeted vitriol reach much wider than her audience. This website represents years of contribution to stigma, which goes on to have real impacts in the lives of people entirely irrelevant to any of you. Even people who suffer mental disorders entirely other than sociopathy suffer for this kind of stigma.

My hope is that the author is truly well-intentioned, willing to consider what I’m saying, and maybe take responsibility for her contribution to the stigmatic hurdles between help and some of the people who need it.

I don’t want you all to stop what you’re doing. I just want you to think about it.

I don’t want any of you to do anything for anyone who is sociopathic or who hurt you, I’m just requesting that you all, as a community – and especially the author – stop firing back, for the sake of your own energy, as well as the sake of others, because the collateral damage is too great, and far a heavier responsibility than good and well-intentioned people should have to bear.

LOL… If you think sociopathy is not calculated decision or conspiracy against anyone you have not met my ex. I have not seen anyone here truly advocating revenge on a sociopath. Quite the opposite in fact.

The funniest part of this whole conversation is how strikingly similar it feels to conversations I have had with my ex. Only difference is she claims to have aspergers and uses that to explain her lack of empathy (which is incredibly unfair to those with aspergers). You are portraying the same victim mentality she did. I understand advocating for those with mental illness. That is not what you are doing. I don’t think having a cluster B diagnosis automatically makes one a sociopath, although it may be fair to say all sociopaths have a cluster B disorder. It is ironic and quite telling that while we are trying to move beyond being victims and even acknowledge our own role in the situations we ended up in, you are just portraying sociopaths as poor helpless victims of brains they didn’t ask for. There are plenty of websites for sociopaths for just this kind of foolishness. Go there.

For the record…sociopaths know right from wrong. If they didn’t, they would be insane. Sociopaths are sane. They just don’t care. Finding it difficult to see a problem with being a jerk doesn’t make you less of one…quite the opposite. ..

The other thing, tcm, is that you are making it sound like it is our responsibility to help provide avenues of recovery for the sociopaths of the world. News flash- many of us have done that, diligently, for years. Part of becoming healthy again is learning to take responsibility for our OWN healing and not get wrapped up in the needs of others who are unwilling to even recognize they have a problem.

BTW…your agenda is showing.

Jenni Marie…
Yes, excellent post .
How are you doing girl?
Glad to see you here.
We are all coming together here and fighting back as a team.
So validating to hear the courage and strength in all of us working together, sharing resources and supporting each other.
We are NOT going away.
SITC

NO CONTACT FOREVER!!!!
SITC

TCm, I wonder if you have a child or a loved one who has a personality disorder, and if you are somehow trying to protect them because I cannot even think as to the reason why you can’t grasp the forum here and are asking to have it changed. what? are you kidding?

It is elementary as to the reason “why” the Lovefraud forum exists, and there is ZERO reason to change the format going forward in order to protect the sociopathic population from the truth, even if “the truth” is not only a foreign concept to sociopaths, it’s an insult to their view of their perfectly divine selves.

Sociopaths don’t care if they hurt people!!!

Get that through your head and take as much time as you need, please.

Really, there is no need to over think it.
Sociopathic people who have abusive traits are DANGEROUS!

Now, some of us are much more enlightened about what the living hell IS happening to us, or JUST HAPPENED TO us, and ALL of us are in different stages of trying to get out of that hell.

It’s that simple.

Perhaps some Lovefraud posters should try to find a different site that caters more to disordered individuals instead of imposing on the sites that don’t.

Especially, if what they are looking for is validation that talking about the cold hard facts regarding sociopathic abuse should lean toward protecting the sociopath. Good luck finding THAT site and let us know how it went!

NC for 114 days,
Peace,
Jenni

TCmessenger,
WE know the reason you are here.
It’s so clear.
Trying to gain insight so that you can go forth with your abuse.
One thing is you have received the message that we are on to your bullshit.
Go right ahead, we can all see right though it.
No hugs to you.
STRONGINTHECITY

Donna, look at these replies.

Do you see the hate you’ve placed and fostered in the hearts of your audience?

Do you see how you’ve taught them to heal at anyone’s expense?

Do you see how they fail to distinguish between people who have and who have not hurt them or others?

Do you see how that contributes to the difficulty people face in seeking professional help?

Do you see how people going without good and innovative help contributes to further victimization?

I’m blaming no one for the things that were done to them.
I’m asking you to question your own blanket hatred.

The hate Donna has placed in our hearts??

Good lord. If there was anyone who placed hate in us it would be the person or people each of us has been abused by. For many of us, that abuse was horrific.

But even there, there is no hate for many of us. I don’t hate my ex. Even when I have moments of saying I do when I am angry, I really don’t. Nor do I hate any sociopath. Indifference is not the same as hate.

With each post, you move further away from the reality of the abuse that we have endured and push more and more that we should view our abusers as victims and strive to see that their needs are met. This is sick and twisted. As are you.

seekeroflight
yes, that person IS moving further away from reality alright.
nuff said.

Let me say this, Donna has taught us well on how to spot the signs of a disordered thinking human. Thanks Donna!

Peace,
jenni

TCM,
I am amused by your attempts to defend your position. The pity ploy – Us poor sociopaths might not want to seek help, so how dare anyone have a boundary line placed on us, Us poor spaths – can’t really get help because a stigma would be attached to us as having a disorder. You display the classics and are a troll gone mad, trying to sound calm. LOL You are providing humor and reinforcement for what we know, for the lessons we’ve learned.

Next came your goading…. suggesting hatred, NO. I’ve read about caution, safety, paying attention, listening to my gut, no contact, but nothing about hatred.
Healing is for ourself and nobody is exploited by that.
Getting help is a choice. A spath gets help when they want to charm the counselor or they’ve hit rock bottom like an alcoholic, otherwise I can say from my experience, the spath I was married too looked at counseling as a waste of time. There was no drive to be a better person or save a relationship/family.

TCM, you provide amusement but really…… moving forward, no contact with you would be awesome, as you’ve already provided enough for us all to see through.That’s what happens when things are hollow.

As a very experienced mental health professional who spent 20 years w a psychopath who fabricated stories of extreme child abuse to distract me from the truth,I was blown away to discover the extent of the disorder.
6 years out, the impact of the trauma is gone expert for the physical problems related to adrenal fatigue.
As a memeer of this community I think I understand the rage, hurt, and trauma that people have been through. This site is a safe place that helps people work through these things.
I have never found organizations such as NAMI to do much for helping de stigmatize “mental illness.” The emphasis on Illness is a big problem for me.
So while out new poster messenger, as articulate and composed as I presume he is, is lacks Nf context as well as perhaps direct experience w psychopathy.
I think his or her compassion towards psychopaths is seriously misdirected and misplaced. That doesn’t mean he or she is disordered but simply that he or she probably doesn’t get it.
I think the extreme negativity towards those comments and him or her are unfortunate. But I think the basic message is-you don’t seem to understand our experience and or seem to be placing the well being of these people who are such toxic, vicious, manipulate, and above all domineering creatures, as something members of this community should expend the Ben more energy on them, than they have often for years, it’s a real disservice.
You’ve made your points, many of them have some validity IMO,
thanks for that. But I think there’s a real disconnect in your thinking or experience between the reality the members of this community have been through and a misplaced concern for the week being of people who could care less about your concerns unless it helps them stay under the radar.

Really, the pattern follows what I’ve seen with conversations with sociopaths. Every single time. First, willing to see our point of view, while still refusing to take any responsibility. But you think, well, s/he sounds like they kind of get it. Thank God. Some validation. Then when they don’t get what they want from us, or get what they do NOT want in the way of boundaries, the blame and the victim mentality increases. When that still does not get what they want, ie total aquiescence of one’s self, boundaries and all, including seeing him/her as the complete victim, the vitriol from him/her increases. They are 100% victim, and we are either 100% to blame, or at the very least are 100% scum for not being willing to throw ourselves on the railroad tracks to try to save them from their mental anguish. Every. Single. Time. When my stalkery friend from years ago tried to reestablish contact with me the second to last time, he went through all three phases within about 12 hours and like 8 phone calls. His last couple calls that time were to tell me he had taken like a million sleeping pills and was putting himself back inpatient in a psych ward b/c he didn’t think I would have been so cold, and he thought that as a Christian I would want to help him get better. With my ex, she kept laying the guilt trip on me that I was being so “nasty” with her in everything I said (it didn’t matter what I said or in what tone I said it, it was all me being nasty somehow) and she was horrified that I didn’t care enough about my life partner (who, mind you, I had already broken up with) to continue to put aside anything I had to do ever (including work) to be by her side as she was having a mental breakdown. It isn’t enough to just be indifferent with them, to just stay away from them. They expect that we go out of our way to help them, regardless of the cost for us. I think I need to write about my old (now dead) stalkery friend. That could be good times. Too bad I didn’t learn my lesson well enough with him to avoid my ex. Won’t make that mistake again.

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