By Joanie Bentz, B.S., M.Ed., CCBP, BC
Time to have a little fun!
While engaged the struggle with toxic people, I kept a subconscious diary of behaviors, words, movements and facial expressions for various types of sociopaths that I encountered in my life.
Perhaps you have observed the polar opposite of my top 16 list. Maybe you have some more you would like to add? Please feel free to comment below.
1 . They are binge-watchers of shows/movies about sociopaths, psychopaths and oversexed women.
Some examples: Dexter, Sherlock, The Godfather, Sex and the City, Breaking Bad. You get the idea. These programs glorify their disorder. I believe it validates their behaviors. Perhaps they are picking up on new ideas on how to control the scapegoats and find more effective ways of keeping them under control.
2. They dump unwanted, used items on you, without asking.
No, they have no desire in knowing if you would like to have their collectible Pez dispensers. They do not serve the narcissistic anymore, so you, the target, are the one who must own them now. Anything they don’t want, expect them to call you and tell you they have something for you. Makes them look like the unselfish giver. Oh, and if you refuse, you are considered ungrateful and they may not connect with you again for weeks as a punishment for your inconsideration. Yay!
3. They are addicts.
Narcissism goes hand in hand with addiction. Narcs are addicted to the cycle of attaining supply, whether that be emotional, financial, sexual. Although addictions in general are awful, their addiction to chaos, gossip, and drama is quite common and keeps their target in a state of hypervigilance.
4. They turn every minor or major event into “happy hour.”
Does the ringleader recruit the flying monkeys and encourage a party-hearty mindset, regardless of who may be present?
5. They have to run the show.
Don’t expect to have any say when the narcissist is planning for a special occasion. Your opinion means nothing, because they need to have their hand in every detail. They must appear perfectly organized and focused, so you look like the complete slouch. And you better not have an idea first- they will rush to silence your creativity immediately!
6. They stare at you like a boa preparing to eat its next meal.
The predatory stare comes and goes, but is especially prominent when they are sizing you up for an abuse session. Let the trashing commence!
7. They call everyone who threatens their false self a “whack job.”
These individuals do not like to be challenged in any way. So, if you go against their disordered mindset and challenge their self-appointed expertise, it won’t be long before YOU are the one being pegged as a bit “pixelated.”
8. They overdo the “Oh My God’s.”
So much that you begin to believe they have quite the camaraderie with the Big Guy. Maybe this is a subconscious plea for heavenly help. Not that they would ever ask for Divine intervention, or psychiatric intervention for that matter.
9. They are hyper when you, the target, are around.
You make them feel uncomfortable. They hope you never catch on to their pathology. Watch as they jump and down from their chair and go on tangents about the same old topics.
10. Cleaning is their only hobby.
In addition to scheming, plotting and exploiting, of course. They clean their house so much that perhaps they are attempting to sanitize their soul.
11. They do not want to communicate in person.
When you are on to them, they hide behind texting and email. The pathological shame rises up, because they are completely aware that they have abused you in so many different ways. Nothing will get resolved on the phone or in person. Or through any other means.
12. They disregard someone else’s well-being.
Sure, they may appear as the quintessential nurse or caretaker, but they really don’t care about another person’s health struggles. They want you to shut up and be a good sick person. Except when they are not well. Then you are expected to be sitting on the edge of your chair listening to every detail of their doctor visit.
13. They hate old people.
Senior Citizens remind them of their mortality, so they have a lot of contempt for them. In addition, narcissists are impatient by nature, wanting everything YESTERDAY. The fact that older individuals think, talk, move and drive slower causes their mask to slip immediately!
14. They live in the past.
You are amazed that they are still rockin’ — in their own minds — those Guess jeans! And the hairstyle is still the same. And the conversation about that Rolling Stones concert they attended in 1980. Narcissists never change their outlook or ideas.
15. They will make a meal you can’t eat.
So, you say you are allergic to shellfish? The narcissist will be happy to make you a nice dish of mussels and linguine!
16. They always wear the same color.
Black, black and blacker. I think grey counts, but it may be too light to reflect the malignant darkness they harbor on the inside!
wow! most of these describe my sociopathic daughter. must b perfect, front n center, house spotless, same ponytail, shes now 35, n always in black! wow
id like to add, she always says things, for example, telling me she has an outstanding job offer at the biggest bank in our little town. not realizing i knew people who worked there, i asked her, ‘did so n so offer the job?’
well, no
again i name another
again, well, no
finally truth b told, one of the workers there told her she shuld apply for a job there… in short, the whole world revolves around them, everyone looks at them as though they are perfect
Oh my gosh these are really spot on. Any gift I received was something he no longer wanted. Any meal included meat, I am vegetarian. He binge watched several TV series, even watching them dozens of times, that included characters with very questionable morals. He didn’t avoid old people, but he didn’t like other black people (he is). Constantly ‘reminiscing’ about all of his accomplishments, girlfriends…was SO BORING. Went to the beach and got the flu, and he acted like there was absolutely nothing wrong with me and wanted to do all the beach things. Life of the party, and every get together is a reason to Par-Tay!
He was a slob though, and had nearly no ability to organize or care for himself, other than showering and dressing. He lived like a teenager. He was a hoarder, just kept so much crap.
Always needed to be in charge, yep. Addicted to anything: TV, women, alcohol, attention, drama, etc.
This was fun! It’s been so long ago that it is just sort of fun to remember just how awful he was (is).
Slimone, wow, so he was certainly not orderly and not a compulsive cleaner. However, if you are someone who is neither of those, you will be called “lazy” if you don’t clean like they do, or called “obsessive” if you like things neat. A no win situation on every level! 🤨
12. They may appear as the quintessential caretaker but disregard someone else’s well-being.
Yes, Sunnygal. This is so very sad indeed. God help the person who puts their welfare into the hands of a sociopath.
As soon as the caregiver is found to be a sociopath, another caregiver is found.
Yes Indeed Sunnygal.
My X (supposedly a friend) would come unglued when his elderly mom’s cardiology appt interfered with his workout schedule. He told me he knew it wasn’t right to feel that way, bc it’s his mom, but he was still “royally pissed” about it.
I have noticed that they are also obsessed with the latest sex scandal (Cosby, Weinstein, latest politician to be exposed) etc. Binge read all the articles about it and watch all the latest interviews on it. Very strange.
Hi notlongnow, I believe the reason for the obsession with celebrity and political scandal is:
1) They have no true interests so instead must be involved in the misfortune of others. They get emotionally involved because it feeds their need for supply.
2) Capitalizing on the misfortune of others immerses them in someone’s else life, and it distracts them from having to self-examine and admit their own disordered and empty self. They will go to great extremes sometimes to avoid facing the void inside of their soul.
Hi. Yes could be.
I thought it was to gather tips and strategies to be honest. I’ve experienced the sociopath suggesting things, or saying things that were right out of the dirty laundry and modus operandi of the latest person that had been exposed on the news in a scandal. Once he came right out and said, “there’s this big story right now of a general that was exposed having an affair and he used to….and we could….”. Another time he said something, and I recognised it as being from the details of a horrible sex crime that had been discovered recently.
Whatever his motivations overall, I know he was also deflinitely getting new ideas from these horrible cases and sex scandals.
Hi Notlongnow, I think it’s different for all sociopaths, but I believe most definitely there is an agenda as to why they are riveted by these cases. They do love Dirty Laundry.
This is an interesting perspective. X and I are somewhat neighbors on the same lake. It is very deep, and even with today’s tech some missing (drowned) persons are not found. Such a case happened this summer. He donated $ to the searches, let specialists stay in his home (a 2nd home), and he trolled by the search area repeatedly while ROVs and divers were down (despite requests to avoid). He also asked me very direct questions about the state of a body recovered in cold deep water. He was very focused on knowing the specifics of appearance. He absolutely thrived on it.
FWIW, I believe X is a high-functioning, successful psychopath (by my own academic armchair diagnosis). At first I thought it was NPD (leaning to introverted) but 16 months of careful study revealed something darker on the spectrum.
Sounds like you live in a scenic place.
We do! My husband and I wanted to bring a little bit of the retirement lifestyle forward into his working years. Unfortunately the remote location draws people who want to escape for different reasons.
i also seem to still b noticing that the several in my family all are very smart from a very young age. in gifted and talented in school
spurl, yes, many highly intelligent individuals! Most never live up to their potential in my experience. They start a new hobby, education or interest, and leave it in the dust when just getting started. Usually their social-emotional handicaps are responsible for their lack of follow through.
I suspect it’s boredom. They need variety to stave off boredom. From one project to the next…. from one job to the next,,, from one sex partner to the next…
Redwald, I agree as well. Why is it that the sociopath says you are “obsessed” –when you have a passion? Most of our passions define us. You may love history, and keep up on the latest. You may be a fitness enthusiast, and love the freedom that long-distance running gives you. It could be anything you enjoy, but instead, they twist it around and say YOU are the one with the problem. In the meantime, they begin to pursue their bachelor’s and quit after 2 courses. Or they try a new activity, but can’t seem to stick with it.
also seem to not need alot of sleep…??
I very much agree. I know one who cannot function without a daily 2 hour nap in the middle of the afternoon. All the wheeling, dealing and deceiving must get exhausting.
Haha! Yes, what is up with that? 😄😄😄 There must be a part of their brain that must have one eye open at all times, lest you gain the upper hand!
And…they always keep a youthful appearance
i believe its because they cause us stress, but they enjoy it. so lack of stress on them causes fewer signes of ageing
Spurl, some sociopaths look always disheveled. Some are impeccable with their appearance. It all depends on what type of sociopath they are, and where on the narcissistic spectrum their disorder seems to fall. Somatic narcs have to look perfect. Some other types of narcs may not care at all and have other obsessions instead.
This is the article that sealed the deal for me. Holy cow. I thought he was just a drug addict at first. But I can’t deny he had most of these. Eerie.
He brought me used furniture every day that didn’t fit in my tiny apartment. Before that it was ugly clothes I didn’t want. From God knows where.
The stare !!! I told someone “I don’t think anyone’s ever looked at me like that before.” i hope no one does ever again.
When I made a good point he responded “Oh my god!” And I’m a super picky etaer and would request really simple food, and he’d throw the entire kitchen in it and make it disgusting.
I hate him. He’s out of my life, but he took EVERYTHING from me. And I had nothing to start with, I’m a widow on welfare, 49 yrs old.
My God.
bettylou – I hope that understanding what you will dealing with will be a good first step in your recovery. We have lots of info here at Lovefraud that may help you