REGISTER | LOGIN
By | April 2, 2011 22 Comments

Another missing woman, another indifferent boyfriend

Kelly Rothwell, from St. Petersburg, Florida, told a close friend over lunch that she was going home to break up with her boyfriend. She was never seen again.

Read ‘I’m going to have to face my fears’: Last words of missing police recruit who vanished after breaking up with her boyfriend on DailyMail.co.uk.

Posted in: Laws and courts

22
Comment on this article

Please Login to comment
  Subscribe  
Notify of
Ox Drover

TRIMAMA, this article is for you!

The description of this “indifferent boyfriend” from the various people who knew him sounds so much like a DEFINITION of the behavior of a psychopath it makes my blood run cold.

1. TEMPER: (according to one neighbor who liked Kelly and lliked living next to her) ‘When we got Dave in here, that was a different story.’

He said Perry’s temper would change quickly and he would get angry at small incidents.

He recalled the time he was washing his deck, which was near Perry’s parking space. Water had dripped on Perry’s car.

‘He went ballistic,’ Williamson said, adding that he called police because he felt so threatened. No arrests were made.”

2. INSTANT RELATI0NSHIP: Perry met Kelly when he ” was living in New York but moved to Florida in a matter of weeks”

3. NON COOPERATION WITH POLICE TO FIND THE MISSING WOMAN: “refused to take a DNA test or even talk to authorities beyond having his lawyer give them a loose, three-hour timeline of the night Miss Rothwell disappeared.”

4. FELT HE OWNED VICTIM : “her boyfriend’s possessive behaviour”

“Perry monitored her online activity and texted her incessantly.”

5. ISOLATION FROM SUPPORT ” ‘He kind of made her distant from her family. She always seemed like she couldn’t talk. It’s almost like he put her in a trance.'”

6. HIGH CONTROL/ HIGH RISK LIFESTYLE In addition to the above traits (all quotes are from the article) you will note that he had a previous job that was a) high risk and b) HIGH CONTROL over those underneath his control. It really doesn’t make any difference if the “job” is the convict or the keeper, they are both high risk and high control “positions”

His job history of “going on sick leave” and never returning, and then retiring, is also suspicious I think for a faked “disability” or possibly his previous employer didn’t want him back for one reason or another. Just sort of “suspicious” to me. Just IMHO

But EVERYTHING about this article and this man’s behaviors both before Kelly’s disappearance and afterward says “this man murdered this woman” and “He is a psychopath.”

Maybe Kelly is the first woman he “disappeared” but she should have RUN FROM HIM sooner than she did. I think she had been the beneficiary of his temper and outbursts which came when the LOVE BOMBING STOPPED…and most likely not long after the love bombing stopped.

It seems that Kelly caught on fairly quickly, but she still apparently felt a need to “confront” him….and confronting someone like this is not something you do when you are alone with them.

People who are NOT psychopaths who try to deal with psychopaths in a way that is “normal” sometimes if not most times pay the price for their lack of understanding ab out psychopaths. This time the price was her life, and Kelly apparently paid it because she didn’t know what she was dealing with. I can only pray that the family finds her body and that her killer gets what he deserves…a cell right next door to Charlie Manson, Scot Petersen, Drew Petersen and ten thousand more men like them. RIP Kelly.

Hope to heal

Oh my goodness – this is EXACTLY why we need to educate as many people as possible. If only Kelly had known what (not who) she was dealing with. So incredibly tragic!

I hope that anyone who has not reached the conclusion of NC with the N/P/S in their life, will read this article and:

GET THE HELL AWAY FROM HIM/HER. It can definitely be a matter of life or death!!!

R.I.P. Kelly

LouiseRosen

I’d like to emphasize that it’s so important to know what you’re dealing with. Women like Kelly who innocently believe they can confront a sociopath and announce that the relationship is over are unknowingly putting themselves in harm’s way.

Even if a person can’t leave right away, they should not reveal their intentions. They need to seek advice (a women’s shelter) about how to safely leave.

Most of us who have been around this venue for awhile realize that the time of ‘leaving’ or ‘breaking up’ is the most dangerous time.

Ox Drover

I guess one of the hardest things for me relating to LoveFraud is when people come here recently out of a very violent relationship and describe this VERY GUY (or so it seems) to us and how afraid of him they are, and we tell them NO CONTACT….please…..NO CONTACT and after a while they come back and tell us how pitiful he is and then they are able to go NC for another few days or weeks, and seem to be recovering even. Seem to be learning about why NC is so important to save their lives, and then they DISAPPEAR FROM HERE>

Sometimes they will come back a few days or weeks later, confessing that they did indeed get sucked back into the web of the spider…he did tell him he loved them and promised not to do it again, but he broke that promise, or they tell us how they are just going to “be friends” for now and how IMPORTANT IT IS for them to be friends so they are sure we will understand how it is really important and how the broken nose is almost healed any way and if she continues to press charges he will lose his job and she will feel guilty…….and then she disappears again.

Once in a great while a poster will come back 6 months or a year later, but most of the ones whose story I”invented” above, we never hear from these women again. Invariably the ones who do come back have gone back to the man, whether it is 2 weeks or two months or 12 months between when they “disappear” and when they come back.

Of course that is not proof that every poster here in that situation does go back to her abuser….but so many do. It is so discouraging when this happens. I want to scream and BOINK them on the head and say “Sister, he is going to continue to hurt you! My son KILLED HIS GIRLFRIEND! Put a bullet in her head—actually two—-without any remorse—do you think he is going to cry over you when your abuser kills you?

Me thinking like this doesn’t help these women, and I can’t save them, I can only pray for them that they will see the light and escape from these monsters before it is too late.

No matter how much I think I am “right” that they should leave and how Much I think they are “wrong” for staying, each of us is responsible for our own fates.

The Apostles in the letters to the early Christians talked about how much WORSE it was for someone who had gained a “knowledge of sin” and then went back into doing it. The “sin” can be anything that is harmful to us, from booze to a relationship….and it harms us when we do it even though we DON’T realize how it is or can harm us, but one day we find out that doing this thing is HARMFUL TO US….drinking too much or drugging, or whatever the “sin” is, and we KNOW what it is doing to our minds and our bodies so we stop doing it. Then later, we miss the “sin” and we go back into doing it again…….like an addict going back to using or a drunk to drinking, or a person back to an abuser. NOW WE ARE WORSE OFF BECAUSE WE KNOW IT IS BAD AND WE ARE STILL DOING IT….choosing to do it.

I SMOKED, and me going and getting a cigarette KNOWING AS A HEALTH CARE PROFESSIONAL THAT IT WAS BAAAAAAD FOR ME….YET I DID IT. People who loved me tried to get me to quit for years and year, and I ignored them until one day I DECIDED I couldn’t let it harm me any more. No way to UN do the damage done but at least no more damage. I know I can’t motivate these women (mostly women) to get out of the dangerous situation, and they DO know the situation is dangerous….they ARE educated if not motivated on the dangers they are engaging in.

I can’t help them, but I must not let their failure to help themselves once they KNOW make me lose heart and focus, the focus that in the end ONLY WE CAN SAVE OURSELVES.

Cases like this though, where the woman DOES NOT KNOW what she is dealing with…has NO CLUE that psychopaths exist except in the movies, really get to me, because had she known she could have protected herself and be alive today. HAD SHE KNOWN…..how do we reach her “sisters” to educate them to the dangers so that at least they have an INFORMED CHOICE. They may still make the fatal choice, but at least it would be a FULLY INFORMED ONE.

candy

Ox – Eighty-five percent of women who leave an abusive relationship return (According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence)

This may explain why these people disappear from the site. They will come back when they’re ready….hopefully.

So long as they know LF exists there is hope.

Thank you for your post.

Ox Drover

Dear Candy, Yea I know, and most of the time when there is a serious beating or murder it is at the time the woman is leaving or shortly after…

I know all these statistics and I know that essentially it means that out of every 100 women/men who come here out of an abusive relationship 85 of them will go back….and back….and back.

Not everyone who reads here posts though, and when someone does post, it makes me want to get up hope that they will NOT go back. Most of us that post here are far enough along that there is little or no worry that we will go back, so those early-on posters who are in danger (and also more likely to go back) sort of become quickly apparent and I WANT to help them, educate them…..knowing I can’t save them—but I guess emotionally wanting to none the less. Oh, well….that part of it is MY problem in dealing with MY emotions about these women. (or men)

Hope to heal

Dear Oxy ~ Your compassion is awesome!!

You, dear lady, give incredibly solid advice. You also tell insightful, and hear-wrenching stories. I truly admire you. You have been through so much in your life. Yet, your kind and giving spirit shines through.

You are truly a blessing to all of us who read here. I hope that you can feel fulfilled in the knowledge that you ARE helping people.

I can feel the frustration in your post above. It’s hard to lose touch with someone that you’ve “known” and grown to care for. I guess all that we can do is continue to pray for their well-being. After all, we know that it is out of our control.

candy

One thing that always riles me is that when someone is abused THEY have to leave. The authorities don’t GET IT.

Why oh why aren’t the abusers sent to the other side of the planet?

Abused people can be forced to leave their home, kids, family, financial security etc etc WHY would they leave?! What’s the point? They lose EVERYTHING – or that’s how they perceive it.

It’s like a beating now and then is a small price to pay.

Well hey NO!! That price is TOO high.

There IS help. It can be done and the 15% or so that do it (like the people on LF) are the PROOF.

So, to those people who are in an abusive relationship, get professional help, plan your escape (do not tell spath anything about your plans) and GET OUT.

There is a life after spath, it may not be easy……..but it’s worth it.

candy

Ox – I posted over you ( I was on the phone to my son who has to go and have an operation – he has raging toothache – poor sod).

It’s frustrating when we can’t ‘save’ people. However, I believe that this site and your guidance HAVE saved many people (including me) Thank you.

So don’t be so hard on yourself:)

jeannie812

Her situation could have happened to any of us. She wasn’t ready to break free. How many of us went through that transistion? We are lucky enough that we were not with a cold blooded killer.

Or is the only reason we are alive is that we didn’t push the wrong button???

Ox Drover

Thanks Candy and Hope2heal, Thank you for your kind words!

I don’t beat myself up because I can’t save the world….LOL though there was a time when I was a teenager I thought I should be able to. LOL ROTFLMAO

It is frustrating though to know someone is in danger and you have YELLED OUT!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!! and they just turn and go back! But each of us must save our self, no one can do it for us. That’s the mantra that I have had to BOINK through my thick skull is that I can and must save myself and allow others to do the same thing.

A therapist I know said to me once “the only legitimate rescue is to drag an unconscious man out of a burning house.” Otherwise we /they are responsible for saving themselves. I try to keep that in mind and not beat myself up for not finding “just the right words” to say to someone to make them see the need to RUN!!!!

Psychopaths are monsters of abuse but we all have to see that for ourselves. (((hugs)))

besameanne

Hi all –
I just wanted to say that, altho I don’t post, I am one who didn’t go back. It’s probably been almost 2 years since I posted on Lovefraud but, I still read every single article and I always will. All of you gave and continue to give me the strength to go on with my life and the comfort of knowing there are good people who care. Even tho I am long over the P, I don’t think we ever get over the experience and, as much as I would like to wipe it completely out, the knowing keeps me on my toes. What bothers me and seems to get clearer as time goes on is this – and it’s a little hard to explain – I’ve lost the desire and/or ability to see any guy as interesting or attractive or having any potential other than casual friendship. I don’t think I’ll ever be moved again and that is sad and I wish it wasn’t so. But, I know I can still love because I love you all! And I thank you all for all you’ve done for me!

kim frederick

Oxy, Your above post about the women who return to their abusers, over and over again prompted me to respond.

I was caught up, for 7 years in an on again off again extremely toxic relationship. The utter humiliation and dispair wasn’t enough to end it. I felt crazy as a loon. I knew I wanted out, but seemed powerless in actually getting out.
We were split up for over a year one time, and the entire time I had to “fight” to stay free of him. He stalked me, called me, left msgs with my freinds, sent Valintine’s day cards, Birthday cards…etc. etc. etc. I finally caved out of utter exhaustion.

When I was, finally able to end it, I treated it like an addiction…and it still took three months to get him out!! The cycle had to run it’s course. The bottom had to drop out. I had to face eviction. Then, like every other time, he just moved on; found another place to stay, and waited. Waited for ME to clean up the mess, and put it back together!

In the meantime, while it was running it’s course, I would pray, and recite AA’s, “how it works” like a mantra. I worked the twelve steps…at that time, the first three were the ones I focussed on…I saw clearly what was coming…I had been through it so many times before. Somehow, though, I knew this time was different…I knew it was over.

My resolve grew bigger than my fear, and I never looked back.

I lost, literally, everything…except my life.

There are so many variables at work, in the lives of these victims who return, over and over again. It seems to us to be insanity, when so much is at stake…to the victim, going back feels “safer” than the alternative. That IS askewed perspective, but it is often the victims TRUTH.

I didn’t know anything about “traumatic bonding” when I was trying to leave…I only knew about addiction. (I am convinced they are one and the same!!)

I didn’t learn about trauma bonds, til I was here for a year and a half…had already been away from spath for over three years.

Rescuing an unconscious person from a burning building may be the only legitimate rescue, and perhaps we cannot drag these victims out of their abusive relationships, but we CAN attempt to slap them out of their stuper…render them conscious, so they CAN save themselves.

Every body needs to know about trauma bonds! Every body needs to be aware of where they come from, what causes them and how to break them.

If I didn’t know about addiction, I might still be doing that miserable dance.

Part of the reason I was able to make my escape was because I resigned myself to losing my house (I had been fighting against it for a really long time.) MY HOUSE WAS SUPPLY to spath…I had quit having sex with him 2 years earlier…sex was supply to spath, but it was also an oxytocin fix for me, and Oxytocin keeps you hooked into trauma bonds.

At any rate, I had lost all value to spath. I had nothing else to give him, so, this time he didn’t try to suck me back..And for that I am very grateful.

It would be pretty hard for an alcoholic to get sober, if the drink kept calling, following, sending cards, knocking on my door.

NC, NC, NC. Admit that this is NOT love, but something else.
Trust in something bigger than yourself and ask for help. Keep the faith, and work on yourself.

That’s all I’ve got, for now.

Ox Drover

Dear Kim,

QUOTE KIM: It would be pretty hard for an alcoholic to get sober, if the drink kept calling, following, sending cards, knocking on my door. (VERY GOOD ONE, KIM!!!)

I understand and AGREE with every word you have said….none the less it is still difficult for ME to realize I cannot save these women with words alone….and some (few) of them WILL eventually get out of the relationship. Back when Hope4 was dilly-dallying around with her abusive husband before she finally kicked him out, I REALIZED THIS FEELING ABOUT MYSELF….I had to step back from HER problems (and excuses) and I told her so here on the board at the time. IT WAS BECOMING MY PROBLEM.

That is the point that I am trying to make….while we CAN encourage and educate til the cows come home….that trauma bond, that oxytocin bonding willl draw them back into the addiction of the relationship that may actually end up with them dying (as it looks like this young woman in the news story did).

The girl my P son murdered was 17, she was sort of “wild” and had dropped out of school, gotten a job, living away from home and doing all the “fun things” she thought were important to her at that time of her life….petty crime with grandpa’s credit card, but she had NO IDEA WHAT SHE WAS DEALING WITH—if someone had warned her about psychopaths she still might not have thought HE was one, or that he would actually even have the THOUGHT TO KILL HER.

But a woman who has lived with or been beaten by, SEEN the rages and doesn’t know what a psychopath is or that she is REALLY in danger….I cannot save her if she will not save herself. THAT is what is frustrating to me. I WANT TO KNOCK HER UNCONSCIOUS AND DRAG HER FROM THE BURNING HOUSE! Unfortunately, too many times people will RUN BACK INTO the burning building of those relationships—thinking that theyy can use a “handy dandy home fire extinguisher” to put out the BLAZING PSYCHOPATH when what is needed is to GET OUT and call 911.

The person I CAN adjust is ME. I can’t “save” every person who comes here to LF by telling them RUN BABY RUN! But on the other hand, I can THANK GOD for those that DO RUN and I can pray for those that don’t run NOW that they will eventually run, and not take on a load of guilt for those that just sort of “drift away” from here and I never know what happens to them.

I remember back when I worked in head and spinal cord rehab. We would have these patients in the hospital for months and months and some of the situations were terrible and couldn’t be “fixed.” Most of our patients (young adults mostly) didn’t die, but many went to nursing homes or back to homes where the parents really wished the kid would have died instead of having become such a burden to them. Sometimes I went into the bathroom at work and cried and cried….but I made a vow then that in order to keep working, I had to NOT SPEND ALL MY TIME IN THE BATHROOM CRYING, but also that if I NEVER went into the bathroom and had a good cry about one of these patients that I “couldn’t fix” that I would quit being a nurse.

I think it is the same thing here. I get “attached” to the posters here….I care about the posters here….but I can’t “rescue” them or “fix” them either against their will. I can only comfort, console, educate, encourage and hope that is enough to make it easier for them to rescue themselves and that they will truly see the need to rescue themselves from the grips of the psychopath.

I guess what I am saying is that I can’t spend ALL my time in the bathroom crying, but I don’t ever want to be the kind of person who NEVER goes into the bathroom and cries over the pain of someone else. This is MY issue, not the board’s or someone else’s. I am having to find a happy medium of caring and accepting WHAT I CAN’T CHANGE…and finding wisdom to know the difference. (((hugs)))

kim frederick

Oxy, Yes. I agree. I think that when we have an emotional investment in others (we care) we can find ourselves in trouble. It happens here when someone is considering doing something that is unwise, or not good for them. They might ask advice, but then not take it. They may resist and not listen…they may protest with, “but, but but.” We become frustrated because we can’t make them get it. When this happens, we lose focus on our own recovery. It also helps us distance from our own trauma and pain. If we focus on fixing someone else, we don’t have to focus on fixing ourselves.

Good time to insert serenity prayer, here.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And the wisdom to know the difference.

candy

Stop The Violence
(this is web site article is aimed at women but many
of the points apply to male vicitims too)

Statistics show that a woman is ’battered’ every 15 seconds in the United States by someone who promised to love and cherish her. That’s two million women, each year, who are battered or abused by their partners.

Even more frightening is that every day, four women lose their lives to violence perpetrated by a husband or boyfriend, an estimated 1/3 of the women who are abused.

One in four women who commit suicide are the victims of Domestic Violence.
One in four women will fall victim to Domestic Violence in their lifetime.

What is battering? control and fear in a relationship through violence and other forms of abuse, and a series of behaviours including intimidation, threats, psychological abuse, isolation, and to coerce and control another person.

Beyond immediate injury, Domestic Violence often leads to long term health problems: chronic pain, difficult pregnancies, PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), physical disability, drug and alcohol abuse and depression.

Abuse is about power and control. More often than not, the abuse escalates in a relationship. There are many facets of this abuse, ranging from psychological abuse, to emotional abuse, to economic abuse, to sexual abuse, to physical abuse, to legal abuse, to death.

The big question is always: Then why do they stay?
There are women who have left only to return. The average victim returns to the relationship 5-7 times before finally leaving for good.

The ones who do stay often do so because of a number of factors happening at once. They have been “conditioned” to feel helpless and hopeless- they have come to believe through various avenues such as battering or intimidation, to name a few, that they somehow deserved being abused and that they have to keep silent about what is happening to them.

Some stay because they still love their partner on some level. And they stay also because they fear retaliation and death….and with good reason.

More injuries and deaths occur while leaving and the following two months after leaving. One study says that one half of the homicides of female spouses and partners were committed by men after separation from their batterers.

With the absence of hope, the victim has nothing and this is where, in understanding abuse, common sense breaks down. Most people who have never been abused can’t understand why the victim doesn’t see what is happening to her and doesn’t leave. Lack of knowledge on this point is massive and this has to change.

Most people’s concept of “normal” is vastly different from the Domestic Violence victim’s concept of “normal”. Never, ever, force your concept of “normal” upon a victim or you will push her farther into her ordeal and you become part of the problem and not part of the solution.

Abuse is not, I repeat, not their fault and to think otherwise or tell a victim otherwise is a collossal injustice in trying to help or become part of the solution.

Every battered woman stands alone, isolated and without a support system in place.

Everyone wants to know: Why do men do it?.

Abusive men are masters at projecting a public face so far from what they exhibit to their loved ones. Their public face is characterized by charm, tenderness and warmth but behind this public mask hides an extreme danger to his loved ones. We have a difficult time understanding men who beat and sometimes kill their wives or girlfriends–or their children–because they violate our sense of normal decency.
Okay, so let’s talk about solutions now.

The solution is that we learn about Domestic Violence, recognize it when it happens, and help the victim find a safe way out with a Safety Plan. Reading sites such as this and getting angry is a start but it isn’t enough.

This site is simply a guideline to saving lives. Education is key. Education leads to knowledge and knowledge is power and it saves lives.

In the time it took you to read just the text on this page, 38 women were battered.

candy

Here’s a site that may offer further help/guidance

http://www.womensaid.org.uk

candy

ManKind is the UK’s leading charity for supporting male victims of abuse.

http://www.mankind.org.uk/

kim frederick

Thanks, Candy.

skylar

This problem of helping people see sociopathy is huge. The problem is worse because once you are embroiled in it, you can no longer see the forest for the trees. And if you’ve never encountered it, it’s difficult to imagine the entire reality of how it affects someone who has.

My own experience at 17 is a perfect example. I knew the spath lied constantly. I could see some of his disorder and went to research it. I found a book that explained it: “The people of the lie”. Then I rejected the information.

A large part of the reason I rejected it, was fear. When Dr. Scott used the word “evil”, I immediately rejected the information. Using the word “sociopath” would also have made me reject the information because it conjures up the evil of serial murder. In fact, a few months later, I was watching the news with spath and they described spath’s truck to a T, as having been seen picking up prostitutes in the area that the green river murder operated. A cold chill ran through me, but I forced myself to stop thinking such thoughts. Then he sold the truck within days. Again, I forced myself to deny the possibility.

Victims like myself, who are most vulnerable because we were raised by N’s and P’s, are the least likely to want to accept this information. That’s because it demands that we look at our entire lives as being 180 degrees the opposite of what we had thought it was. It’s a difficult pill to swallow.

superkid10

Skylar, what do you mean we look at our entire lives being 180 degrees the opposite of what we thought it was?

skylar

Superkid,
when I finally saw what my spath was, I saw that my entire life was a lie.
First, the spath never loved me and I had devoted my life to him as though he did love me.
Second, my parents were not the wonderful saints that I had felt them to be. Nor were they my best friends. They were manipulitive and selfish.
Third my brother and my sister, both being spaths, actually despised me while I had spent most of my life doing their homework, pulling them out of problems etc…

All that love I was giving to all those selfish people was making me the butt of a joke. It didn’t gain me love or affection, just ridicule. That’s what I mean by 180 degrees.

Send this to a friend