By September 30, 2010 41 Comments Read More →

Attempting to treat evil in the UK

Britain’s most dangerous criminals are sent to Broadmoor Hospital, which has the walls and gates of a high-security prison. There, Dr. Gwen Ashead, a consultant forensic psychotherapist, tries to treat them.

Read Is there a cure for Britain’s most dangerous criminals? on Independent.co.uk.

Link supplied by a Lovefraud reader.

Posted in: Laws and courts

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41 Comments on "Attempting to treat evil in the UK"

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Hi Kim!
I emailed Donna about exchanging emails so we can talk recovery without taking up time here.

I am so proud of you for going to the meeting. It takes courage to call someone and get up and actually go! Remember when you feel like NOT going to a meeting is when you NEED to go!! I always found that I’d get the message I needed esp. when I didn’t want to go.

You are so right about resentments. You can’t afford to have them. Neither can I. When you are ready and with your sponsors guidance you can do another fourth step and the freedom and healing from that will be wonderful. I realized, after talking to my clients, that I needed to do another fourth step after divorce. So for the past five years I have had….count ’em……50 resentments!!! No wonder I was a mess! I didn’t use but how is beyond me. LOL. So, another fourth step is in the works. Now, I am not a 12 step “beater”. I believe we can recovery in many different ways. but, I do like the steps because 1) they work and 2) I live a better life. I like who I am better when I do the steps. I am calmer, happier, kinder and more empathetic. Like we need to be more empathetic. LOL. But you know what I mean.

Also, just work on your own recovery. period. Don’t worry about his or anyone elses. That is their job. Your job is you. When we focus on our own stuff everyone around us gets better. Our perspective changes. Our codependency stuff changes. So let him go. Detach with love. That doesn’t mean you have to love him but you don’t have to hate either. You do, however, have to take good care of yourself and give yourself a break. You have been going through a lot of stress. Love yourself and let others who are safe love you back. It’s hard. I didn’t want to let anyone in after this nightmare. But I am slowly trying.

And, I know I said it yesterday, but surround yourself with women who have what you want. They will help lift you up. Stay away from toxic and sick others right now. It’s so much easier to be pulled down then to try to lift someone else up…so you can help others later when you are stonger.

Don’t mean to dictate! Sorry! Just telling you what has worked for me. You can see if it fits for you or not.

good job! You have made a crucial and very difficult first step. Keep going! And remember, if you do go off path, you can jump right back on. Don’t need to give up.

Thanks, to all of my dear friends here on LF.

I agree, Chinagirl, I missed the peace of mind that came through working the steps, and focussing on getting better. It’s such a paradox, but power flows in when we let go. It is so mind boggeling, but such a wondrous thing.

I apreciate the tolerence of all here, in letting me preach my 12 step stuff. It isn’t for everybody, and it does require taking some responsibility, and not everybody is willing or able to do that.

It’s all really paradxical, I think. Like, yes wer’e empathetic to a fault, and it makes us easy prey…but there again, wer’e responsible for that misplaced empathy…what were we trying to gain, hold on to or control?

Yes, sometimes really farked up, sick people do horrible things.
Did we have any control over what they did? NO. Was there possibly a weakness in us that bought into there BS, and reprehensible behavior? Is there something we should be working on, in ourselves that would explain why WE STAYED so long?

And as Donna wrote in her most recent article…fear is good.
We absolutely need to trust our instincts…unless the fear is based on selfishness and self-will. Dominace and power needs. If I’m afraid of not getting what I want, or losing what I have, then I’m not trusting my higher power, and I will be trying to force my will on the universe…to be at peace I accept Gods will.

And then the idea of resentment….wow. If you ever want to see a group of people who DON’T want to admit responsibilty for something, just tell them they need to let go of their resentments.

Another paradox. People think they are strengthed by their resentments. They think resentment gives them some kind of control over something or someone, but all it does is make you miserable, hateful, and power hungry. It’s pointing out instead of in, and there is no healing out there, only in here.

Now, I know we are vulnerable to disordered people by our empathy, but after we’ve found the weaknesses in ourselves, and built our genuine strength, there is no point in continueing to hate.

One of the books I’m reading says, that all people are to some extent sick, and just suffering from the pains of growing up…
That isn’t to make us vulnerable to their ploys, but to allow us to forgive and not harbor negative unwanted chaos in our lives.

I know a lot of folks here will object to that way of thinking, and like I said, it’s not for everybody.

I do believe anger is a valid emotion, and we need to acknowledge it and respect it…work through it, even rage with it, but eventually we need to get over it.

Love to all of you. You’ve been my life-lline for the past year. Thanks again for letting me share, and by doing so, helping me get these ideas into my own brain.

I will try to refrain from talking too much of this stuff in the future.

Kim you said some really good things above. Anger is just an emotion. Nothing more, nothing less. It is what we do with that anger that is important. Do we cause ourselves more consequences by hitting someone, blowing up, raging at our boss? or do we practice some self control and self care and give ourselves a few minutes to feel the feeling and then make a responsible choice in how we respond to it? That is what matters.

Under anger is usually another emotion. Many of us I am going to assume when growing up, have not been allowed to have anger. I know I wasn’t anyway. So by the time I got into recovery I didn’t know what to do with that emotion. It scared me. I was uncomfortable with it and had suppressed it for so long and denied it. I would have said I was not an angry person but when I first allowed myself to feel it it came raging out! Now I just allow it, feel it, and then try to respond and not just react.

I like what you said, too, Kim about taking responsibility. I have really grown up the past 6 years being in this nightmare with xspath. I learned about honesty and accountability in my recovery and have learned even more about accountability in THIS recovery from xspath. He was never accountable for any of his behaviors. And he probably never will be. He had to blame…his first wife when he was with me, now me as he is with his 3rd wife. My 2 friends that stayed with me for several years after the divorce (now all those friends from that town have left) all told me that he was not accountable and would never be. They had encouraged me to get out, to leave him. They saw it, too, which helped validate my feelings.

I have been reading about this a lot today here on LF…the crazy making of the spath. How we get manipulated into feeling and thinking that what we KNOW to be true is in our heads. That is the part that makes me nuts! And that is why having the support here is so incredible. Had I not connected with xspaths first wife after divorce I would have inevitably believed that this was all my doing, all my fault and that there was something bad about me. even though I can look at two other long term relationships I have had in the past and my first marriage with my Son’s (nice) father and see there was no chaos in those relationships, that it was relatively easy to have a relationship with them, we worked ‘together” not against each other and there was little powerplay in those relationships I would still believe it was all ME that made a mess of the marriage with spath. they are so good at projecting. He is still good at it and not having to hear him the past 6 months has been a godsend. I have been able to clear my mind of the chaos and venom and having NC has been what has made me able to pick myself up and start to take care of myself in preparation of backspathing him and getting my D back.

We have to continue to help each other realize that these spath’s love to confuse, to play head games and to make us doubt ourselves. My xspath was great at smoke and mirrors. Better than David Copperfield.!!

Chinagirl, agreed. It’s interesting. I was reading, a week or so ago, a book called, “Nasty People: How TO Deal With Them, and Avoid becoming One of Them. I was also reading a book entitled, “Stop Being manipulated”.

One of the points made by the nasty people book, that especially stood out for me was this: The author says we are never to let the manipulator, (or as he calls him, the invalidator) introvert us. What he means by this is that we should not allow the manipulator to turn our attention onto ourselves, and whatever he is proclaiming about our charactor. We need to be able to see clearly that it is he who is manipulating, and keep our focus on what he does.

I agree with that, truley. But again, it’s a paradox. People who don’t have the same weaknesses that we do, don’t have to read a book. They know, naturally how to respond in a he
althy way.

I personally think we need to see ouside, but look inside, both, at the same time.

Not to assign blame, but to live in the healthiest way we can.
It is probably best to first see outside, and learn some self-defense. But after a while you realize that even your ability to be manipulated is a manipulation you are doing to try to hold onto something that isn’t working, or an image of yourself as a nice person, or counter control, and it’s all so self defeating.

Yes, these abominations exist in our world. But I don’t have to be disturbed by them any more. I can admit that I can’t do a damn thing to make them right, and wash my hands of them, and then work on me.

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