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By | April 10, 2011 33 Comments

Australian woman escapes violence – the next wife wasn’t so lucky

Helen Cummings was married to Stuart Wynter, a respected physician, who was also violent. She took her children and fled in 1976. Wynter killed his next wife, their child, and then himself.

Under today’s family law in Australia, it would be harder for Cummings to escape.

Read She once escaped a killer – under today’s laws she would still be trapped on SMH.com.au.


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Dani S

It is one of the most frustrating and most debatable aspect of separating parents. I know all too well living with a violent sociopath and the fear of having a child together.

I did everything I could to protect my child from him, as I believe in my heart of hearts he is dangerous and poses not only a psychological threat to our child but also a very real physical threat to her. In the beginning he not seen her for 6 months, then his lawyers got him access to her, firstly for an hour once a week, then the next week 2 hours and it was to build on from there. The first time she went over, I paced the house and vomited. I felt so sick I could not protect her if anything happened. By a stoke of luck in the second visitation he decided he didn’t want to see her for whatever reason. Due to this the courts determined that he was not considered someone that actually loved and wanted to see his child. The judge was not happy that she finally made provisions for him and then he said nah dont want to anymore. The courts gave me the best available custody for our child and although they cannot totally deny him from seeing her, they have made it very difficult for him. I prey that he never wants to do this and I would prefer to run and hide than to ever let him see her as I have very real fears for her safety.

Why it is debatable is especially when you are up against a smooth spath many women come across as being vindictive. It is sometimes hard to determine who is actually the victim. For some strange reason I never thought of going to the police when he hurt me, I was just to scared too so I had little proof of violence. And after leaving him I had PTSD as I felt like I had just come back from war.

On todays news Aurthur Freeman just had handed down his sentence of life, 33 years non parole for throwing his little girl to her death. The judge said “he was not remorseful nor do I believe he can be rehabilitated”. Darcey’s mother had tried to protect her kids and all she got was a reduction in visitation Aurthur had to the kids. These monsters can kill in minutes, a reduction in visitation would not have saved Darcey. We all know here the only way to truly survive a Sociopath is through ‘no contact’ but how do we ever get the courts to understand that some of us are not vindictive, my 2 older children have a beautiful relationship with their father, but unfortunately there are parents out there that pose a real threat!

I think Helen Cummings has done a great job raising her children under terrible circumstances but I dont know if she would have stayed. Although I am only speaking of myself I couldn’t stay, we would have ended up dead, I think it is human nature to try to survive and in those environments escape is the only option!

Ox Drover

I was gobsmacked to read some of the COMMENTs to this article!

I realize there are “two sides” to these stories, and the dad is not always the bad guy, but the common sense seems to be thrown out by the family courts! It isn’t about dad being bad, or mom being bad it is about someone being a sociopath…an abuser.

Some “socially acceptable” sociopaths are able to pull the wool over others eyes because they do not do violence when there are witnesses around. My own egg donor is that way….she is VERY careful to not have witnesses to her lies and her rages. Everyone outside the family thinks she is a SAINT! Little do they know!

This guy was probably the same way from the way the article reads, plus being a doctor. Sigh! How can we educate the courts? How many children must die? How many women? How many men? How many children must suffer?

Dani S

I read a few too oxy and it only highlights how so many just dont get it!!!!! We know all to well the people the article is about and it really upsets me that most just dont get it! To feel attacked by a system and other people who dont understand when you know the dangers is gut wrenching! Thank god mine was not too careful like your egg donor Oxy and he kept getting unstuck by his lies. He thought he was smarter than the courts and the down dressing was great in the end but in the beginning I was seen as the unstable fruit cake and him the together business man totally getting done over by his wife ! 18 months in and out of court proved to the courts in the end what my ex was like, but so many times I could have given up because I had very little fight left in me and he was preying on that, my weakness always made him stronger. I am not sure what the answer is but for people like us it is such a injustice when we are not listened too and what we stand for is questionable in there eyes.

shakey

I find myself having to take very very deap breaths as I write this. I cannot express how angry and scared this debate leaves me. I was abused by my ex. While pregnant he seriously assaulted me by punching me numerous times and kicking me in the head. I required surgeory to repair his injuries. We seperated. He couldn’t be bothered seeing his child very much and would use his visits as a tool to get at me. He threatenned to leave the country with my son so I couldn’t find him. He threatenned to hurt me and my son and threatenned to burn my house down. He took all of my money and left me with nothing. We ended up in family court in NSW. We had a family report writer who was an absolute idiot. She said that my ex told her that he drank alcohol all the time, and that he assaulted me causing the above mentioned injuries however she could not see any reason why he shouldn’t be able to have my son 1/2 of the time. She said he had never assaulted my son. She said he admitted to his “indiscretions” (talk about a minimising word!!!!!) Even though she said that my son was well adjusted to life, she said that I posed a danger to my son because I had anxiety when around my ex as a result of the assault upon me. She actually was using my reaction to him seriously assaulting me – against me in court. I learnt there was absolutely NO WAY of protecting myself or my son against this man. Even when we attended court my ex assaulted me in the court foyer 1 metre from a security officer. I immediately turned to the officer and said ” did you see that?” He said “I’m not getting involved”. If you can’t be safe in the court house how can they expect you to be safe outside??????? The report writer said that my ex admitted to drinking every day but hey he had said he wouldn’t do that any more so she didn’t think it would be a problem. Are these people insane??????. Honestly I think if I stayed with this violent ex then I would have had far more chance of saving my son, that I do being ordered to leave my son alone with him.
.
My argument is not one of sexes. Male and female is not an issue. If however there is any hint of alcohol/drug abuse and or violence against any person then in the BEST INTERESTS OF THE CHILD unsupervised visits should STOP. There should be NO SHARED PARETAL RESPONSIBILITY. If you choose to be violent YOU CHOOSE TO LOOSE YOUR RIGHTS. In no way shape or form is it in any child’s best interests to be forceably put with a parent who is violent, threatenning, irresponsible or drunk/intox.
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I note a lot of men posted comments about how unfair it is. I honestly believe that these men are from extremist masoginistic groups that are not really concerned with the best interests of the child, but with THEIR PROPERTY and winning a battle. I believe that alot of these extremists view their children as property. If this is not the case, then why oh why can’t I hear any of the men shout out to the world that domestic violence in any shape or form is just not cool. The only way that domestic violence is going to stop is for men to tell other men that it’s just not on. Women trying to tell bully men that they are being bully’s just doesn’t work.
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The courts do not work. They are a disgrace. They have the blood of numerous children on their hands. They do not care. Shared care is their mantra, anything else is just too much trouble for them. It is a disgrace.

Dani S

Shakey- that is terrible . Hopefully your ex has completely lost interest in seeing your son. I am so grateful mine did. My ex also pulled our child is at risk of being with me because I suffered (thanks to him) PTSD and used my break down, anxiety and stress as something that should see me as a less suitable parent than he was. It was so stressful because he was still trying to make me look like I had all the problems not him, like he did in our marriage. Like if you just do what I say you wouldn’t get yelled at, hurt ect. It is only you that causes me to act the way I do ect ect. But the guy was nuts, he is more than capable of hurting his own children if he thought was a way for him to win! I remember on TV a while ago and I dont know if you had it in NSW but they had sports men, actors ect saying abuse on women is wrong but it only played for a short while… An ad like that should run everyday, if they just replaced one ad a night instead of the hundreds of fast food ads that would be a good thing. Men or Women if violent should not be allowed to be in sole care of their children whom cant protect themselves and I am so sick of DOC, human services and the courts not doing anything to protect these kids… How many have to die, it makes me sick and angry

Ox Drover

Welcome to LF Shakey,

I’m sorry you had to qualify for membership in our “club”—but since you are here, this is a good place for support, understanding and learning.

Dani, I agree that men speaking up against domestic violence is a good thing…

Unfortunately, many times the abuser is the one who APPEARs “sane” while the abused appears crazy! Believe me, I have been THERE! Sometimes doesn’t take too much to send me off my stool back to being crazeeee. LOL

Today is the funeral of my cousin that I’d like to attend, but my egg donor is very likely to be there so not going to be able to go. Just more collateral damage in life.

Dani S

Oxy oh yer sooo know the crazy versus CRAZY. Sorry to hear about your cousin, maybe light a candle and have secret preys to them on their passing over. And I am sure your egg donor fluffs around like she is fine and their is a problem with her daughter that is why the daughter will not attend. grrr they make me so mad!

Ox Drover

Dear Dani, Thanks. I have done that and I’ll go visit with her sister in a few days…they had a tough life growing up. There were 8 kids, and their dad was murdered by a crazy man next door…their grandfather had also been murdered during a robbery. My grandfather was a first cousin to their dad, and he helped their widowed mom keep a roof over their heads. She was only a couple of years older than me, but fought cancer for 12 years and NO ONE thought she would survive 12 days, much less 12 years, so she did fine, even went back to work! I loved her mom very much and was privileged to be one of her caregivers in her last few days. She was sooooo funny and the sweetest person in the world—and come evening she would “sun down” (become disoriented) and CUSS like a sailor! Next morning she was back to her sweet self that didn’t even know those words, much less would use them. LOL She raised 8 good kids, hard working, honest and got them reasonably well educated as well. The cousin whose funeral was today was the first of those kids to pass away.

Hope to heal

Oxy ~ sorry to hear of the loss of your cousin. I’m sure her sister will be happy to see you after the commotion of the funeral and such is over. Sometimes that silence is deafening. Bless you dear!!

(((hugs)))

Dani S

Wow Oxy even when we have seen the evil in some, there are still those inspirational people that walk this earth that overcome many obstacle’s and keep on keeping on like the mother and others that always help others like your grandfather and yourself. Thank god for the good people I say! x

skylar

Oxy,
I’m so sorry for your loss and then having to miss the funeral.
Your patience is amazing. I think you made the right choice. At first I thought, that you should just attend and do the potted plant to your egg donor. But further thought tells me that you were right. She would have created drama. and what a perfect venue for it – right?

Your dignity was maintained and you didn’t give her any drama. You SO gray rocked her. Towanda.

Her sister will understand and be grateful when you visit her.
((hugs))

super chic

Oxy, very sorry to hear about your cousin.
I’m sure your visit to her sister will mean a lot to her.

Not-too-late

I read somewhere that they new amendments to the family law legislation in Australia include the right to escape. Is that true? I read that if contact is ordered, it could be done via Skype. Wouldn’t that be great?

I have really contemplated just taking the kids and going underground but I know he would hunt me down. Also, too many people know us around the traps and someone will tell him. Right now, he is living no more than 50 yards away. My daughter doesn’t even want the front curtains opened. My younger sons say they can run to him anytime because Dad said that they should do that – go to his house anytime they want. There are no court orders and I don’t want to go to court, firstly because I can’t afford it, but also I don’t want them to be ordered to visit him more than I want them to.

I thought that I could educate the head of his lawyer’s firm about abuse. Ex told me he was not longer a client, and we started doing mediation, without lawyers. So since I heard that he was a kind-hearted committed Christian, I decided to give voice to my experience and write a heartfelt letter of what victims go through and how the judicial system often colludes with the abuser, providing him with more weapons to terrorize his family with. I quoted some of Bancroft’s work and also from some DV books/articles. I told him to keep it confidential because our safety was at stake.

Unfortunately, he replied and said he had to disclose the letter to ex because he was still a client. Heck, even if he was, the letter wasn’t about the resolution of a legal matter – it was a private letter to him, the head of the firm. I called him to plead in tears not to do it, but he wrote back saying that I couldn’t communicate with him anymore and that he had an obligation to his client. Where is the obligation to protect a family from the threat of violence??

geminigirl

Im so sorry , Oxy, to hear that your couin died.
As you say, probably for the best that your not attending the Funeral if your egg -donor will be there!
My guess is she will be at her most saintly and people will think ,”what a sweet old lady!”
Pass me the sick bowl!{Puke!}
Your prayers wil reach your cousin whether you attend the funeral or not.!
My condolences.
Love,
Mama GemXX

Dani S

oh god Not- too-late that is terrible~ any wonders the victim looses what little strength they have to fight these people! You are dammed if you do and dammed if you dont!

I dont know about right to escape but in my custody papers it states if he wants to see his daughter he has to write to me to ask permission and if I refuse he has to go through the whole expensive court proceedings again which after the first bout he is going to find that very hard to convinced the courts he deserves to see her. I do know the custody I was given was the best I could be given and they made it really hard for him deliberately. I had so many affidavits from ex-girlfriends, employee’s, past employers, professionals, therapists and all up about 10 of my own highlighting abuse. In the beginning they believed him but I fired back with everything I had and I was happy with the result. One thing I had to also do was move away and not only have no contact with him but also anyone that knew him including his family, I also don’t have any utilities in my name. So he will find it difficult to send a letter to somewhere where he doesn’t know where I am if he wanted to see her. He went through 4 law firms and got sacked as a client from them all and owing them thousands of $$$$$ so it will be hard for him to get someone to represent him anyway. We also spend 2 years with curtains drawn as we didn’t feel safe it is a horrible feeling but luckily for me and the kids not knowing where we were he lost interest in the control and moved on and is no doubt making his current partners life hell! I am not sure why he gave up as he certainly treated us like property when I was with him

Ox Drover

Dear Not-too-late,

Welcome to LF, and I am sorry you had so much trouble with the lawyer….sounds fishy to me. He’s not his lawyer, but now he’s his lawyer?

You’re in mediation but without lawyers? Maybe that just means YOU don’t have a lawyer. Maybe you need one, especially if he has one.

I also learned the lesson of BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WRITE OR SAY AND WHO YOU WRITE IT TO OR SAY IT TO.

I wrote letters that I sincerely wished later I had not written. They bit me in the butt. Badly.

Again, welcome to LF there’s lots of good information here. There is also a book available here “The Legal Abuse Syndrome” which talks about how to live with and overcome the legal abuse that the psychopaths use to kick us after they have stomped us down. Good luck. God bless.

Not-too-late

Thanks, Ox. I have read a lot of your posts and enjoy your wisdom. I posted a few months ago when I found this site, but took a break when I decided that my ex is probably not a sociopath, but has NPD or BPD. He really is clueless – very intelligent but emotionally stunted.

Mediation is done here without lawyers. It didn’t last long, though. The mediators shut it down. I have had others that refused to do it for us, so I have certificates of exemption. So now there is no other option than to go to court if one of us is unhappy, and that is generally him, but I may have to as well, because he always primes the younger kids to go out at times he has not discussed with me. And he doesn’t pick them up – they have to walk there (he tells them he won’t come to my property, yet he tells me everything is his!). He sends them late at night to get stuff for him because he wants to be seen to be giving me space.

I can’t afford a lawyer anymore – my lawyer gave away my savings to him for the property settlement – she said she had no choice because his business hinged on the order being signed. If he didn’t agree to the settlement terms, and the negotiations broke down, then I couldn’t give him a house title as security for his new business and he would have lost his job, and I would have lost my child support. So basically, it was a classic case of damned if I do, damned if I don’t.

My domestic violence worker has been very avoidant – when I tell her something that really scares me, she just says “I don’t know what to say. I can’t tell you what to do…sorry, but I can’t help you.” Then what the heck am I her client for?? Fortunately, I do have a counselor I can talk to.

I wish that I could have Dani S’s outcome – that would be so ideal.

Ox Drover

Dear Not-too-late,

Sounds like you got the royal screw over by the husband, the lawyers, your mediators, your DV worker…I’m glad you do have counseling though, but that doesn’t fix the problem of going to court. Is it possible to get a different DV worker?

Keep on reading, it doesn’t matter if he is a BPD, a NPD or a sociopath, he is NOT FUNCTIONAL, NOT NICE, and which label you pin on him doesn’t matter. It is like a poison snake…does it matter if they are a cobra or a rattle snake? They are both poison! The bite is the same.

Knowledge is power, so keep on reading. Read about them, but also read about healing yourself. It starts out about them but ends up about US about how to cope with what we cannot change. (((hugs)))

zoey

I made the mistake of believing the charm and the lies and marrying a man with no heart or conscience who was posing as a decent christian man recovering from a marriage breakdown.
When he walked out the day after the wedding because I would not bow to his demands that I sell my home and give him the money “Because GOD told him I had to”.
I knew something was wrong, but he came back 3 days later claiming it was the effect of intoxicating fumes from the epoxy resin he had been coating a huge pit at work with.
Eleven times in 6 months he threw tantrums and walked out slamming the door so hard he cracked the brick wall.
I had deep scars on my forearms where he would hold me tightly and lifting my arms above my head, wrench me about violently, till my pregnancy threatened to miscarry and blood was running down my legs onto the floor.
My terrified children, who knew that the babies life was endangered, were forced by threats from him, to stay in the living room and witness this abuse of their mother, so fear was instilled in them.
His nails gouged deep wounds into my arms that would take weeks to months to heal.
I still have the scars 27 years later..
I could not afford to change the door locks and keep him out when I realised he was unstable and manipulative and not the man he posed as being while courting me.
Then pregnant with our child, I was outside hanging washing on the line when I heard my youngest child of my previous marriage screaming a loud, horrid gurgling terrified noise in the bathroom.
I raced inside as fast as I could and to this day I thank GOD that I had read somewhere about how holding something in front of a victim being attacked, to break the aggressors line of sight to the victim, can distract the attacker momentarily and allow you to rescue the victim.
My child who I saw being held with his head pinned to the wall, eyesockets full of shampoo, was picked up, shaken violently in midair and then thrown violently to the floor with great force.
I was able to grab a towel off the rack and hold it out like a screen between my cowering shaking 3yr old child and my husband(his stepfather) who was kicking the boy violently as he lay white with shock and screaming on the floor.

The Family Law Court of Western Australia is very strange.
If you tell them about the history of domestic violence and abuse, one child thrown over the top of the pot belly stove onto the concrete floor and kicked with steel capped boots, and that your 5 yr old male child has disclosed, of torture and rape by the stepfather and his 14 year old son, and that (while pregnant with this man’s child), you actually saw him(stepfather) holding your naked, screaming, 5 yr old child’s head against the shower wall, while he filled the childs eye sockets with shampoo to sting his eyes, and then shook the child in the air and tossed the child onto the bathroom floor and kick him repeatedly till you scooped the child out of the way, and the stepfather then raged naked up and down the passageway yelling a tirade of abuse while you calmed a shocked and shivering child wrapped in a towel and cowering in their bedroom:
The Judge calls you VINDICTIVE and a LIAR.
Police Child Abuse officers and the Child Sex Abuse Specialist at the Princess Margaret Children’s Hospital-(Dr Jane Gardner) testified that the child was the one who disclosed the abuse to them and the mother only knew that the child had said he had been innapropriately touched on the penis by his stepfather and physically abused by him.
They (Dr Jane Gardner and the Police Child Abuse Officer) told the Judge that they(professionals) were the ones who obtained a full disclosure (of repeated anal penetration and torture) from the child, and that the abusers were the stepfather and his son from his previous marriage.
They (Professionals ) told the Judge that it was they who informed me of the penetration of my child.
The Judge, despite sworn information from numerous people that the stepfather had on several occassions treated the child victim cruelly and tossed him into deep water and pushed him under the water and held him under the water so he was drowning, and had repeatedly practised the same abuse on his four children of his first marriage when they were young and vulnerable,(confirmed by his eldest daughter of his first marriage in the witness stand) decided that :
“The mother is a vindictive liar proof of it being her false allegations of child sexual abuse”.
“The welfare of the child (of the marriage-14 months old and breast fed) is paramount”.
“It is in the best interests of the child for the father to have sole custody” and that the mother was not to have any access unless she withdrew her false allegations of sexual abuse.
Many attempts by the mother over a 2 year period to establish the right to have regular contact with her infant (fathered by this monster and born 6 months after the marriage breakup) resulted in the Family Court of West Australia calling her a “Vexatious Litigant” and banning her from any contact until the child was 6 1/2 years old and ONLY if she could file and win a Court Appeal to re- Apply for visitation rights to the child.
The mother gave up the fight and moved interstate.
9 years later the Pedophile dumped the child on her (which was actually illegal for him to do as it contravened the Court Order).
He insisted that the child phone him once every week, but only used that contact to try to access the mother and have conversations with her, and showed no interest in communicating with his child.
He did not support the child at all and left the mother to support the child on her Social Security payments.
After 2 years the mother was able to file for sole Custody in the state of Queensland where she now resided with her other 3 children and the child that was dumped on her by the Pedophile.
That child is now an adult and has talked of a disruptive childhood being dragged from one place to another and one school to another, always on the move because of the father dodging debt collectors.
There were numerous live in teenage “babysitters” and numerous De- Facto wives who had constantly disfunctional relationships with the father due to his abuse and domestic violence and drinking.
The child often went without food and adequate clothing.
At 9 years old, when the father dumped him on the mother, the child had only a few pieces of clothing that was mostly for an adult.(too large).
Shorts (2)and one Tshirt, no socks, sneakers too small and tight, one pair of underpants that did not fit.
But there was a huge plastic carry bag full of expensive toys.
The child was given $90 dollars by the father “For pocket money”.
The mother was NEVER given any financial support for the child.
The child required a full medical as he was malnourished, pale from being kept indoors all the time, pot bellied and round shouldered from constantly spending every day-all day-playing NinTendo, had dental and optical needs that had never been met.
He had no social skills, could not play with other children and share toys, could not tell the time, spell, do any maths, tie his shoelaces, dress himself, make a sandwich or do anything to be self sufficient.
He had been “babied” by every woman the father had “employed” or lived with, to mind the child.
I was told by the child that his father yelled at and abused the child’s “babysitters” and made them do everything for the child, and drive him to school every day.
This resulted in him having no sense of direction and he would get lost if he walked out of site of our new residence.
He could NOT even get himself a glass of water without having to ask his father for permission to get a glass of water.
This was confirmed by the last De-Facto wife who contacted the mother.
The De-Facto said that the child had NO rights to do anything unless the father was asked for permission.
She said the child would walk and talk like a little emotionless, monotone speaking, robot, around the home when the father was present.
The father often threw massive temper tantrums and would throw furniture across the room, smash furniture, or rip screen doors off the hinges and smash flyscreen window panels in his rages.
At other times he would over indulge the child, buying sweets and junk food and expensive toys, making indulgent promises that were never kept, but he never provided the child with decent clothing or regular meals or social life.
It took from age 9 to around 17 years of age for the child to overcome their problems of learned bad habits of lying, stealing, manipulating people, shirking responsibility.
He would destroy others property in a sneaky and secretive way when he was angry with them until he learnt from his mother to say openly/honestly what he was angry or upset about.
That ability finally developed when he was 11 years old after much coaching and patience and “tough love” by the mother.
At 16 his mother had to evict him out of her family home to shock him into facing the reality of life and stop dodging school and get motivated to find a job to supply his own pocket money etc.
She told him to give her his house keys and pack a bag, then dropped him at the Youth Counsellors and told him, and them, that the boy was now homeless and she was doing this to help him because she “Loved him enough to risk him hating her”
The boy faced a few hard lessons on life when he had to live in a Council Youth Hostel for homeless youth and mix with children from the streets with drug and crime backgrounds and sadder stories than his.
He later actually hugged and thanked his mother for throwing him out and making him “grow up”.
He is now facing marriage at age 22 to a wonderful young christian lass and they are both very happily lookng forward to a good future.
He has spoken with his older brother(the victim of the abuse) and knows from his own brother, that the abuse did happen, and it was his father and half brother who abused his much loved older brother.
He has banned his father from attending his wedding and has not spoken with his father for quite a few years now as he realises himself, that his father is a liar and a conman who tries to manipulate people.
He has told me that he has never forgotten what he went through living with his father and how wonderfully different life has been since he came to live with me.
He learnt to build sandcastles on the beach with me and his brothers.
He played cricket with us in the parks.
He went fishing with us, and swimming at the beach and in the local pool.
He learnt to play happily with his brothers and make costumes and swords and use his imagination actively instead of living in a dreamworld to escape reality.
He went bushwalking in the rainforest and b.b.q’s in public parks with friends, Sunday school picnics and socialising with others.
He learnt to express his emotions positively and honestly and talk things through in an adult manner with negotiating instead of temper tantrums, sulking, sabotage and retreating into a dreamworld to avoid reality.
He learnt to take responsibility and to care for others.
He has learnt to be a young man that I am proud of.
The cycle has been broken.

kim frederick

Thanks for telling us yur story, Zoey. What a monster. Thank God your son is adjusting well. What the hell was wrong with that judge?

zoey

SUZY’S Story:
My advice to any woman who faces the possibility of Domestic Violence involving threats and terrorising of yourself or your children, or Child Sex Abuse issues, and they live in Western Australia, is to quietly pack up important documents, create a secret bank account, organise transport and get the hell out of Western Australia before ANYTHING is filed in the West Australian Family Law Court.
You need to go to Queensland as it is safer to be as far away as possible, and in a state where you are less likely to be extradited.
Find accomodation, get a job if you can, get a home established for the kids and schooling etc.
It is hard being so far from family, and you will probably have to arrange communication through a third party for a while so he cannot find you, or use a p.o. box and get someone else to collect your mail and forward it to you.
If you can do this without them (abusive husband knowing you are going to do it-BEFORE any papers are filed in the Family Law Court), you have a chance of freeing yourself from your abusive husband and protecting your children.
If you try to do this once Family Court Procedures begin, they will order the Federal Police to find you and all your bank accounts Social security etc is open for the investigators to trace you.
They will look for you at the border of South Australia as that is where most mothers are caught.
The children will be removed from you.
When I fled I wore a wig of short curly hair a different colour to mine,to hide my long straight hair.
I wore “hippie clothing” very different to my usual dress.
I dressed my cute two youngest children in girly coloured boystyled clothing so (they did not know) they looked like girls.
Pink, powder blue, lilac jeans and shorts and Tshirts.
I travelled by train from the hiding refuge to another town and under an assumed name had my older sons hair bleached and streaked so he looked totally different to his usual dark hair.
We then fled in a friends car with a big chiller box full of food and drink so we only had to stop for petrol on our 4000 kilometer almost non-stop drive to safety.
I did this because the Police advised me to “disappear” when I was being stalked by my husband who was violent and had punched me in the face and tried to throw me out a speeding car while my children screamed in terror.
I did not know it at the time- but he had charges pending for sexual abuse (Incest) with the daughter of his first marriage.
The police were of the opinion that he tried to kill me so he was left with three young children to care for, and could gain sympathy from the court for his predicament.
They think he was trying to avoid going to Jail for the 14 Incest charges.
Apparently he had been spreading rumours around at his workplace and elsewhere and had even told the Police when they interviewed him about assaulting me, that I was “suicidal and prone to mood swings and had often tried to throw myself out of the car when he was driving”.
The Police warned me that they were sure he had spread these rumours earlier than the event because he was cold bloodedly planning to throw me out the car, but they could not prove it.
They had interviewed his young adult daughter and she disclosed years of Incest abuse from early childhood to 23 years of age, even in my home when I was out shopping.
The Police asked me to bring my young boys in for an interview.
The 4 year old said things that led Police to believe he had been abused.
He was too afraid to say much ( we found out later his father had threatened him about ever talking to Policemen).
The Police put me in a “hiding refuge”: in another suburb and I was advised by a Mothers support group to speak to Zoey who told me of what happened to her and how her breastfed infant was taken from her and all Access denied.
I fled the state following Zoey’s advice,(1992) and was able to keep my children safe.

My children were forced to speak to their father on the phone when I filed for Sole Custody after he went to prison for Incest.
This was because he filed for Access rights in the West Australian Family Law Court and then Legal Aid sent a Social Worker to interview my sons at my Ministers home.
I refused to allow this woman to come to our new state housing unit accomodation.
We managed to get housing after months waiting in a privately funded women’s refuge that would not divulge our details to any govt agency.
I did not want the Social Worker to make the children speak to their father on the phone in their new home where they now felt “safe”.
My 4yrs old was forced to sit on a high stool where he physically could not get down unaided, as the Social Worker pressured him into talking/listening to his father.
This child had been sexually penetrated repeatedly by his father and forced to watch porn when he was not quite 2 years old.
As soon as I was pregnant with my second child of our marriage my husband had begun violating our firstborn son.
The Social Worker insisted that speaking with his father would enable my child to overcome his fear of his father!
The poor boy was only 4 years old at the time and he regressed to soiling/wetting his pants every day, after I had spent months helping him to overcome his fear of using any toilet outside the emotional safety of our new “SAFE” home.
He told me that the Social Worker was a “Bitch” something he normally never said, and he apologised to me for swearing and said “Is it wrong to call a grown up bad names if they are really horrible to you and wont listen to you, when you tell them you DONT want to do something?”
It took several months to facilitate documented help from a Psychologist Marylin Newland (who had 15 years clinical experience in helping adult survivors of Child Sex Abuse).
She collated and filed in Court her findings, to show the harm forced contact with the father was doing to my son’s fragile emotional health.
She spent time with us as a family unit in our own home, with extended visits of several hours observing family dynamics.
She had my sons visit her for the weekends, and also had us visit her residence as a family.
She interviewed all three of my sons and they disclosed varying forms of sexual abuse with the worst being the penetration of my firstborn of the marriage who had been violently violated and regularly abused, and even threatened with torture, being locked up by the Police, and death threats with his father’s unlicensed pistol held to his head.
The youngest child had been tampered with and the father was trying to groom him ready for further abuse.
He would cruelly taunt and punish his older child (4yr old)every time he tried to protect his baby brother from the improper touching.
He had touched up my other son and threatened him to not tell me.
The 4yr old regressed to having nightmares every night, fear of having his hand held,fear of being hugged- even by me, fear of any other adult being near him or his baby brother, soiled and wet his pants constantly, all because he was being forced to listen to his father speaking on the phone every week.
The Social Worker had promised me that she would put the phone on Speaker Mode so I would know if anything improper was being said by the father, but she never kept her promise so we did not know if my child was being threatened or “trigger words” were being used to instill fear in him, related to prior threats to his or his family’s, and pets safety.
Finally I managed to get the phone calls stopped and it took 3 years to get my son over the regressive behaviour triggered by being forced to hear his father’s voice.
This caused him a lot of problems when he started at a State School at age 5, as the teachers were totally unskilled in dealing with the issue of an abused child and they did not handle it successfully.
I had to get the Maroochydore Juvenile Mental Health Therapist to visit the school and speak to the ignorant staff members who were lacking in compassion and understanding despite me informing them of how to handle my childs problems.
One stupid woman who was his class teacher kept seizing his hand and forcibly taking him to the toilet block and ordering him to go to the toilet.
This terrified him. (He had been abused in the toilets at shops by his father when out shopping with our family).
She thought wrongly, if he was forced to toilet regularly he would stop soiling.
Then she would not let him leave the room when I taught him to put up his hand every t time he felt if he needed to go.
He had little control due to muscle damage and needed to go immediately he felt the need.
She reckoned he was faking it and refused to let him leave the room.
In the end, due to her ignorant mishandling of my sons trauma, I had to move him to the Caloundra Baptist College where the staff were kind and sympathetic to his problem and he regained control immediately because the staff met him, gently built a re-assuring relationship with him, made him feel safe.
With no further contact with his abusive father, supportive teachers, and my success in filing for and gaining Sole Parenting of my children, my son slowly recovered from his nightmares and other problem behaviour.
My children have now changed their names legally to avoid the stigma of their father’s name and criminal record.
They want nothing to do with him.
I have put a lot of effort into helping my children learn skills to be honest, caring people who have no shame for what was done to them as innocent children.
They realise their father was manipulative and held them in a bond of fear when they were little, and it was not their fault.
They are not to blame for his wrongful behaviour.

I have realised that earlier in the marriage, when he told me he was “Not happy” and took me to a Marriage Counsellor complaining that he worked hard and needed his meal on the table at 6.00 on the dot, he had a plan.
He was manipulating the situation to enable him to abuse our child undisturbed.
The Marriage Counsellor suggested he took the older child into the shower, (in our bedroom ensuite at the other end of the house,) when he showered after work, so I could prepare the eveing meal in the kitchen without having to deal with two tired hungry children under my feet in the kitchen.
It was carefully planned manipulation by my ex, he knew I had two small children to care for, as well as preparing the evening meal for him.
He demanded freshly cooked 3 course meals.
I was not allowed to prepare meals in advance.
I had a big demand on my time, in the early evening, just when the children were getting tired, .
He always insisted the children ate with us at the evening table, so I could not feed them earlier and plan in advance to be free of the children’s demands while cooking the meal.
When I did manage to get meals on the table according to his strict time table, he often did not come out of the shower for up to half an hour past the 6.00 deadline.
My son who he had taken into the shower, was often redfaced and crying when he came out with his father.
I felt such guilt when I found out later why my child had been so upset.
I now know that I should not bear this burden of guilt as it was NOT my fault I was deceived and manipulated by this monster.

His adult daughter of his first marriage has told me how he manipulated his first wife so he had free time to abuse her without the family around.
He manipulated all his first family so they resented the youngest daughter and thought he “spoilt” her.
She could not confide in her mother because he caused barriers to close relationships with her mother or her siblings by setting up rivalry and resentment within the family.
He played his first family like a game of Checkers so he could do all the moves he wanted and get away with abusing his daughter and ruining her self esteem and her family relationships and her life.
He destroyed his first wifes self esteem so she dared not question anything he was doing or where he was, or what he was doing when he was not in the home.
I believe he may have even abused the 14 year old niece of his first wife who he arranged to live in and assist her when she had a miscarriage.
He would take the lass out for the evening to the Drive In movies once a week as a treat for helping the wife all week in the home with the four children they had.
The girl left their home without any warning or explanation after living with them for some time.
When his youngest daughter was about 9 he was using her as his sex object.
When she was a teen and had left home to live with a boyfriend, he would visit when the boyfriend was at work, and use her.
He told her it was their “secret” and even if she married the man, they could still do this.
Before he attacked me he had been telling the daughter and several other people who knew me, that I was an unfit mother.
One young lass from my church was so convinced by him, that she came to my home several times to observe me and report to her mother who was a Child Welfare Officer, to help my husband take the children off me.
She asked me to make her a Chef’s Jacket which has very dificult 8 panelled curved sleeves.
This gave her an excuse to be in my home for hours at a time.
She saw how well I treated my children and she was shocked at the convincing and slanderous lies he had told her and her fiance.
When she found out he had assaulted me, she came to advise me to NEVER trust him, even if he said he was “sorry”.
She shamefacedly told me how she had been observing me, looking to supply firsthand evidence to help him “rescue” his “neglected and un- loved” children from his “mad” wife.
His first wife who I had come to know quite well, due to my husband driving to her home to collect their youngest son for Access visits every fortnight, had been convinced by the same lies.
I had wondered why her friendly attitude had suddenly become cold and distant.
Even the Minister of my church was convinced and when he came to my home immediately after the assault, on my husbands insistance that he witnessed my husband packing and leaving me, the Minister would not believe me when I told him my husband had punched me in the face and tried to throw me out of a swerving and speeding car.
my face was right there in front of the Minister, with bruising and a swollen split bloody lip, broken teeth, broken glasses, blood spatters on the ceiling of the vehicle where I had been sitting.
My children white and shaking from shock.
His reply to my statement was,
“I dont believe you Suzy”.
“John” wouldn’t hurt a fly”.
“Butter would not melt in his mouth.”
“I don’t believe he would hit you like you say”!

I dont care what others think of me anymore.
I know I did the right thing in fleeing and keeping my children safe.
This man had held his pistol to my head and told me that no matter where ai fled in Australia he would find me because he knew Police at the Police headquarters and had friends who could access the computors and find me whereever I went.
He had done 3 months training with A.S.I.O. in Canberra as part of his job where he was responsible for security at a govt Art Gallery.
He had done years of Security work with Armaguard as a licensed pistol carrying guard. He knew how to attack and immobilise a person rapidly.
He had used a grip called a “gooseneck on my hand and wrist several times to show me how he could immobilise me with pain.
He had used this grip on my older child and caused him severe pain, and laughed at the childs distress, saying he was only “joking”
His threats had real menace behind them, and were always made in a cold and calculated way.
He told me if I ever tried to leave him I was “Dead meat”.
I found out later in Queensland that he had told my 4 year old that he would shoot me and all the pets and my child and his brothers if he ever told of his sexual abuse.

If I ever see that “man?” again, anywhere near me or my children I think he should worry about his safety, as I have Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome from his attack putting me in fear of my life.
Frequently for years I have dreamt that I saw him near my children and I immediately attack him, to defend my children.
I dreamt that I actually bit through his neck to defend my children, then I pounded his whole head to a mush on the roadside outside my home, with a rock, to stop him ever coming near the children.
I was in a rage defending my children and I thought it was real, as it did not seem like a dream.
The Counsellor who helped me cope with the stress of my children’s disclosures that reduced me to a weeping wreck at the shopping centre (when my 4 yr old told me why he soiled his pants at the photographers, and what his father had been doing to him) told me that the shock of the attack caused the PTSS and that it actually changes the way you think and can not be reversed.
I know that I have changed from a woman who would never think of hurting anyone, to a woman who will become a raging tiger if anyone harms, or tries to harm my children, or any child, in my presence.

zoey

The Judge was Dan Connor and he died two years later after taking two boys of 2 and 4 years off their mother Jan Azar and the Court findings were identical word for word to mine. only the names of the parties were different?????
A Child Psychologist Julia Solomon was helping Jan Azar with her case.
julia solomon would fight for the rights of any child, either to restore them to their parents when Welfare was at fault, or to remove them from parents if the parents were damaging the child.
Jan met me in the foyer of the Court just before I had to give up.
She asked me for change to make a phone call and she noticed that my son(abuse victim) behaved similarly to her sons (abuse victims).
She worried about wether she should tell me what she thought(that he may be an abuse victim).
After making her phone call we chatted and I told her about my case and what was happening to me and how corrupt the Court was.
My ex had been shown in Court to have had 3 different drivers licences all suspended for drunk driving when he was driving MY vehicle with MY children in it, before I was even pregnant with his child.
Under West Australian Law, you only get one motor drivers licence.
If you lose it for drunk driving, there is no third party insurance for any one injured by a vehicle you are driving. passengers or bystanders or other vehicle occupants.
We proved he had numerous outstanding debts that he had not paid for many years and was a tax dodger with several aliases.
Yet, the Judge believed every word HE said and would not believe me even though 27 people gave evidence that I was truthful and not vindictive and was never known to slander anyone or lie about anyone.
I had an impeccable reputation and could not be faulted as a mother.
They used the sex abuse allegations made by my child to the authorities and repeated by the authorities to me, as an excuse to take my breastfed baby of 14 months from my arms that day and deny me contact.
A Vet would not do that to a lactating cow with a calf!
A Defacto (still legally married to her husband) with 4 children of her own, who had a short live in relationship with my still legally “husband” and only had sworn evidence from two of my “husbands” adult children of his first marriage, to say that she was a “Strict disciplinarian of her children” and “made a good Macaroni Cheese” (baked dish), was pronounced by the Judge in his summing up as a “suitable person to parent ” my child.
My Barrister was shocked and told me it was the Sex Abuse allegations that were the only reason they were able to twist the LAW and deprive my baby of his mother, Grandparents, and four brothers.
We were all denied Access through the father having Custody and refusing any contact for any of the family.
Judge Connor found that “Although the mother says she will abide by any access orders I dont believe her”. I had obeyed all Court Ordered Access for months leading up to the Custody Case despite my fears for my child.
I had arranged Supervised Access with responsible people to facilitate the Access in a suitable facility of a small public hall that I rented ,and complied with all the dates and times despite my husband and his defacto and her four children loudly and publicly abusing me verbally and upsetting my child so he was screaming and crying.
When I was appealing the Judges decision i got a Judge called Ferrier who was drunk as a skunk and could not even remember my child’s name and kept calling my child “Ben.”
That meant he was confusing another case with my case and his decisions and understanding were blurred with some other irrelevent case and were predjudicial to my Appeal.
Plus he was impaired by being under the influence, which was well known in his workplace.
He was ordered several times to do Drug and Alcohol counselling for his drink problem.
Even the cleaning ladies spoke to me about his “liquid lunches”
He was drunk again at my High court Appeal and snoozed through most of it to the disgust of the eastern states Senior Judge who ordered the West Australian Court to re-open the case and let me apply for Access to my infant son on the ground sthat it weas Draconian to deny such a small child contact with its mother for so many months.
He repeated that 5 times as he was shocked they banned me from Access just because my son screamed and cried to the point of vomiting every time I had to hand him to his father.
He had never cried or screamed when his father gave him to me.
Judge Strauss told the W.A. Judges (2) of them sitting on the bench with him(Ferrier comatose drunk) that they should order the Access handover to be done by a third party and not the father and then the child would not be traumatised.
He said it was obvious it was the father’s presence at the mothers handover that obviously was terrifying the child and if the father organised a neutral third party to collect and deliver the child the problem would be solved.
They were not going to let me file for Access till around November that year but Strauss got angry with them and said NO put her case on the short list. This meant it came up within 3 months.
What did the West Australian judges do once they got me back in their hands?
They called me a vexatious litigant so i could no longer go to Court.
In one of my earlier Court sessionss the psychiatrist-Ross Manners- for the husband, claimed that me breastfeeding a 14 month old child was proof of a personality disorder and breast feeding caused Dental Caries, “My wife told me so, she is a Nutritionist at Princess Margaret Hospital”(HEARSAY EVIDENCE!)
Ross Manners was a golfing buddy of the Judge Dan Connors.
Ross Manners also claimed to have “Investigated the dredentials of Zyron Krupenia the South African origin, Psychologist who did a Minnesota Multiphasic personality test on me.
Nobody can fake a Minnesota Multiphasic test.
I had filed the test results as a legal document and Zyron volunteered to come to Court as an Expert Witness to give evidence as I had anticipated that given the corruption I had observed in the Court, they might try the tactic of discrediting my mental stability next.
It is not at all protocol for an Expert Witness for one party to play Detective/Investigator of the Expert Witnesses of the other party????yet Ross Manners claime dhe had “Investigated ZZyron Krupenia and “Found that he was NOT REGISTERED WITH THE PSYCHOLOGISTS BOARD OF W.A”
Zyron Krupenia had been legally REGISTERED for 18 MONTHS with the Psychologists Registration Board of Western Australia.
Psychologsit Julia Solomon had sent me to Krupenia.
She worked for, and also against, the State Child Welfare in Court cases regarding children at risk, and knew who was QUALIFIED and capable of giving competent sworn evidence in a Court of Law.
Ross Manners lied under oath.

Dan Connors left his wife with a few days old child in her arms and abandoned his family of several children and did not file a Document of Discovery in his own Divorce proceedings and “Sold all his assetts” leaving his wife and children with nothing but the home they lived in.
Mary Connor had to go to work and support herself and her children.
Her children had to work to pay their own way through university.
I know because I met her personally and talked with her at a Family Law Reform Enquiry.
I also met Judge Connors Defacto/Mistress, a schoolteacher and “Orange Person” who told me that she was having a cladestine meeting with Judge Dan Connor in his home when she saw Mary his wife coming home in a taxi and she said that Mary and myself, and Jan Azar, (one of Judge Connors other victims in the Court) were all very similar in build, hairstyle and the fact we were strong intelligent women who had courage to speak up.
She said Dan hated women like that.

A FAMILY LAW COURT JUDGE MUST LEAD AN EXEMPLORY LIFE.
That is the law.
Judge Connor did not fulfill his obligations as a presiding Judge of the West Australian Family Law Court.

Jan Azar to this day has not seen her two sons.
Their father was living with his brother who had several convictions for sexually abusing teenage boys and this was kept from the mother’s knowledge and the Court proceedings.
Her husband had forged her signature and illegally sold her home.
The children made numerous disclosures of abuse and there was physical evidence.
The father was supposed to have Stricly Supervised Access in the Family Law Court Creche with a staff member present at all times.
He was not allowed to toilet the two boys.
I was in that Creche with my Mother on one occassion before I knew Jan Azar, and I saw Mr Azar take the youngest child into a toilet cubicle.
The teenage Creche Attendant was reading a magazine and took no notice despite him being in the toilet for over half an hour.
I know how long he was in there because my Mother wanted to go to the toilet and could not due to him occupying it with the youn gest child.
My Mother remarked about the time length and said “What on earth is he doing to take so long in there?”
The child came out with his father and was crying.
The father gave the child several chocolate biscuits.
He got his son to give one to my infant son who was the same age as his child.
I took a photo of my son and his son together, eating the biscuits.
When I met Jan Azar and began visiting her to comfort her over the loss of her two sons some time after the initial meeting, I noticed the photo of her two sons in her mothers home where she now lived.
I recognised the child I had photographed in the Creche.
Jan was shocked that the family court had been so lax in protecting her children when they had a DUTY OF CARE.
I took the photo on that day and never forgot the things that happened that day as my sense were always heightened due to the stress of doing my own Court Cases when I could not get Legal Aid.
I had to be very alert and read all my own affidavits etc I had prepared and memorise everything I needed to say.
I was very focussed on these days and vividly remember Mr Azar taking the smallest child to the toilet and remaining there for a long time.
Thank God i no longer have to have anything to do with that place, but it is so disheartening when i keep meeting more young mothers with similar things happening to them still in that Court.
Children are not being protected, and women are being beaten up by the Court being used as an ABUSE SYSTEM by vindictive spouses.
It works the other way sometimes and innocent men get beat up by their wives using the system against them.
I often wonder how many lawyers and Judges are Sociopaths?
They are very much into Power and Control.

bluejay

zoey,

The judge sounds like an absolute SOB. You were right to realize that HE was a problem, the last person who should have made decisions affecting families. Thankfully, he isn’t around anymore. What some women and children have had to go through is upsetting. I admire you because YOU stood your ground, doing the best you could to protect your children. What’s unfortunate is that due to a worthless judge, the legal system let you and your family down – all of you paying a terrible price.

Ox Drover

I AM SPEECHLESS…..Dear God in heaven I hope these men have a hot spot in hell….my prayers for the children and the mothers of these abused children.

skylar

Zoey,
thank you for telling your story here, even though it is seriously depressing…
I wish more people would be made aware of the injustices AS THEY OCCUR, not years later. That said, why can’t your son file a suit against the courts or the state or SOMEONE? He can testify to the injustice TO HIM.

There have been a couple of incidents here in Washington State in which the abuse has been so atrocious and CPS was so negligent, and the damage was so irreversible that lawsuits were filed against the state on behalf of the brain-damaged child.

If we can’t get justice for the mothers and fathers who are abused by the spath and further abused by the courts, then we should at least get justice for the children. They should file their own lawsuits as soon as they turn 18.

bluejay

skylar,

I like your suggestion, the grown child filing a lawsuit for himself, attempting to get some form of justice, recognition of the wrong that was done to him.

Dani S

Dear Not-too-late- I am not sure if you qualify for Legal Aid but there are some very good Lawyers that work for Legal Aid! I am not sure how old your children are but if they are old enough they can offer their own affidavits if they do not want to see their father and are fearful of him. I dont want to alarm you but if you have no custody orders in place their father can just come and take them as without orders he is just as Legally within his rights to be with them as you are. I have seen my ex when I was with him take his daughter from a previous relationship because there were no orders in place. His daughters mother than had to wait to get a court date before she could legally take her daughter back. It may not hurt just to talk to Legal Aid to find out your rights, Even if you dont use them right now. I wish you luck!

lesson learned

I could not read through all of this because of the triggers it is.

It is all completely disgusting and unfathomable.

God Bless the children. Made me just want to go hug my babies.

No child deserves this garbage………..

I cannot undertand this extreme lack of love, care and protection. I could not understand it for myself and I cannot understand it here.

I’m sickened.

LL

Not-too-late

Dani, I don’t qualify for legal aid because I have too many assets in my name, because he refused to have them transferred (except for one, which he needed for to get his business loan). Even though they are in my name, the court order says that he gets all the rent (to pay property expenses) until 2 are sold, then the loan repaid and I will get one free of debt. Until then I cannot sell any or get the rent. So I depend on his child support, which he lowered as soon as the order was lodged. I have managed to access womens legal service, but they say they cannot help me long term because I have assets. The lawyer on duty was also quite clueless.

I am just going to have to play it by ear. He keeps asking for the kids willy nilly. Today I got an urgent email asking for them for a long weekend coming up – he is going on a picnic with his church bible study group. I asked my supportive pastor about talking to leaders about encouraging him to bring his kids, but she said they couldn’t be seen telling members what to do or he could accuse me for spreading lies about him, or getting people against him, etc. He also gave me one hour’s notice to take a son out this morning. I said no, and just as well, because he went to a place where I nearly ended up going, where my friends were going to be. Trouble is, if I keep saying No, he will be more inclined to take me to court because of his frustrations.

He has the kids now, but the last two Wednesdays that he has had the kids, one kid has ended up coming back at night for something or other that he wants, and the poor kid ends up being too scared to walk back in the dark. I told him not to come back for things or to give me anything, but his dad insists.

Sorry for going on. I just wish I could fast forward 2 years and have your ending, Dani. Oh, and my older son was the victim of an aggravated assault, yet his lawyer asked that he sees him. After I said no, he should be allowed to express his own opinion, she then said that she would take me to court for the younger ones because they have nothing to do with that police record, and anyway, I couldn’t prove domestic violence. Boy, talk about the legal profession colluding the abuser!

Dani S

Not-too-late I understand your frustrations and trust me my journey to now was hellish but yes it ended well for me to date only due to 2 factors, 1 my parents helping me financially to fight my ex through the courts and 2 him giving up the fight.

To say it plainly I would have been stuffed if it were not for my parents and I would have a whole different story. The ex knew he was not just fighting me but my whole family and he couldn’t cope being outed as the Sociopath that he is. For now just keep reassuring your kids they have a voice. I am not sure their ages but maybe get them to diaries so they can express their personal feelings. When my first husband (not the spath) and I separated we both did this with the kids. Sometimes they wrote things in them that neither one of us like to hear and sometimes they were just drawings and sometimes beautiful positive things. But it enabled us to find out where the kids were at and to help them when they were struggling with some emotions. I suggest that you do this on your own with the kids but as you said like myself I had no proof of violence and this could also be a way to document if things happen. It will also keep the communication open with your kids with you and you can discuss how they are feeling because the worse thing that happens with fear is you shut down and if a parent is sociopathic they need to have the ability to process there feelings and feel they can express themselves. Anyway it is just an idea. In the beginning I couldn’t fight my ex in court because he transferred all our assets in to friends names, I had nothing not even a car until my parents stood in to make it right. At the moment you feel like everyone is against you, because very few people truly understand what you are actually dealing with. I hope in time it all works out in your favor. One thing I did learn say as little as you can and dont write anything to anyone unless it is absolutely necessary because these things can have a knack of turning around and biting you on the butt. Sociopaths always show there true colors and a saying I love “dont argue with idiots, they bring you down to their level and beat you at experience”. Stay strong and hope things improve for you very soon!

bluejay

Not-too-late,

Just take it day-by-day, getting free of the spath. I know it is hard, having an ex who would love for me to carry all the financial obligations. I have good days and bad days – spaths have a way of creating mental torture for all of us. Anyway, I hope that your situation improves, knowing that you’d like to get on with your life.

Ox Drover

Send it in an e mail to Donna and ask her to forward your email to me.

Ox Drover

Superkid, delete the above e mail, there are trolls that scoop them up off of boards.

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