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Brian Ellington arrested in New York City

One of Lovefraud’s con artist poster boys, James Brian Ellington, was arrested in New York City on May 15, 2009 at nearly 1 a.m. for trespass, forced entry and assault. According to the New York Post, where the case was cited in yesterday’s police blotter, Ellington “was arrested for assaulting a female friend when she demanded that he leave her Upper East Side apartment.”

Lovefraud was advised of the arrest by a reader that afternoon, who said Ellington “is scheduled to be arraigned tonight, and due to his criminal past, is unlikely to make bail. Furthermore, he has no money for bail and no one left to lend it to him, having even called the woman he assaulted from the courthouse to beg for her help.”

Loveraud forwarded the information to Eve Hawkins, one of Ellington’s many victims who wrote about her experience in our case study. Since Hawkins went public about the case, even creating a website called Brian Ellington: Lost Wallet Con Artist, she’s heard from perhaps a dozen other people who he victimized. Besides the lost wallet scam, Ellington liked to pretend to be a golf pro, betting $500 to $1,000 per hole, and when he lost, skipping out without paying.

Previous warrants for Ellington’s arrest had been issued. Hawkins and some of the guy’s other victims are in touch with New York City police and prosecutors to make sure they have all the information about the guy’s criminal history. The status of the case is available on the New York State Unified Court System website.

The Lovefraud reader who passed on this most recent tip wrote, “Thank you so much for keeping this site up and this information available. i truly believe it just helped save a woman’s life.”

Lovefraud hopes this predator gets locked up for a long time.


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90 Comments on "Brian Ellington arrested in New York City"

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Time for a “Lovefraud’s Most Wanted!”

Check ’em off, and lock ’em up!

YAY!!!

I’ll throw in 50 bucks for the parade in honor of Eve and all the folks who are filing charges against this pond scum.

Ellington has a court appearance scheduled in Manhattan Criminal Court May 20 to answer to the May 15 arrest. Ellington also now has a court appearance scheduled May 22 for the 2006 Aggravated Harrassment charge (he was arrested in 2006, did not show for the Dec. 2006 court appearance and a warrant was issued, then he was arrested in 2008 for larceny, was again supposed to appear for the 2006 charge, again didn’t show up and the warrant for that was just closed as he was arrested for yet another crime). The NY court webcrims only shows the cases when an active appearance is scheduled, then they disappear from the website. 2006 Info: Court Queens Criminal Court ,Case # 2006QN064460, Defendant Ellington, James B Incident
Date:October 8, 2006 Summons/Ticket #: CJTN:58559225P
Arrest Date & Time:November 16, 2006 12:30 Arrest #:Q06662484 Officer Agency:NYPD Command:108
Date/Part Judge CalendarSection Arraignment/
Hearing Type CourtReporter Outcome/ Release Status
05/22/2009 AP1 PENDING No Type
05/18/2009 AP1 Raciti, R PENDING No Type Nason,
Case Continued (adjourned), Returned On Warrant
Bond $1 (Not Posted)
07/24/2008 AP1 Margulis, I PENDING No Type O Connor,
Warrant Ordered – Temporary Order Of Protection Issued
06/04/2008
AP1 Margulis, I PENDING Desk Appearance Ticket Driver,
Case Continued (adjourned), Returned On Warrant – Temporary Order Of Protection Issued
Released on Recognizance
12/11/2006 AR2A Zigman, A PENDING Not Arraigned Cavanagh, Warrant Ordered – Temporary Order Of Protection Issued
Charge Detail Disposition/Sentence
PL 240.30 1A A Misdemeanor, 1 count, Not an arrest charge, Arraignment charge
Description Aggravated Harassment-2nd Deg
PL 240.30 02 A Misdemeanor, 1 count, Not an arrest charge, Arraignment charge
Description Agg Har-2nd:telephone
PL 240.30 1B
**TOP CHARGE** A Misdemeanor, 1 count, Not an arrest charge, Arraignment charge
Description Ag Harass-2:caus Comm To Alarm
PL 240.26 01 Violation, 1 count, Not an arrest charge, Arraignment charge Description Harassment 2nd- Phy Contact
_____________________________________________
May 15 2009 Incident details: Court New York Criminal Court
Case # 2009NY039438 Defendant Ellington, James B
Incident Date:May 15, 2009 Summons/Ticket #:
CJTN:63573926K Arrest Date & Time:May 15, 2009 00:58
Arrest #:M09645117 Officer Agency:NYPD Command:19
Assistant District Attorney assigned is Andrew Cliver tel: 212.335.9954
Charges: Charge Detail Disposition/Sentence
PL 140.15 00 A Misdemeanor, 1 count, Arrest charge, Arraignment charge Description Criminal Trespass 2nd
PL 110-120.00 01 B Misdemeanor, 1 count, Arrest charge, Arraignment charge Description Attempted Aslt W/int Causes Phys Injury
PL 120.00 01 **TOP CHARGE** A Misdemeanor, 1 count, Not an arrest charge, Arraignment charge Description Aslt W/int Causes Phys Injury
Date/Part Judge Calendar/Section Arraignment/
Hearing Type Court/Reporter Outcome/Release Status
05/20/2009
D PENDING No Type
05/15/2009
APAR3A Mandelbaum, R PENDING Domestic Violence Case Bannon, T Case Continued (adjourned) – Temporary Order Of Protection Issued Bond $3,000 Cash $3,000 (Secured Bond)

A complaint was filed in Midtown Manhattan in early 2007 regarding the six counts of check fraud where Ellington wrote six bad checks for $1000 each totalling $6000 he traded to a Little Italy Restaurant and the elderly restaurant manager in exchange for cash. The checks bounced as there was no money on the account. The elderly man lost his job. We filed a complaint for that and although we have the bank account number the police closed the case without contacting the elderly victim and without pressing charges. We are hoping the district attorney may consider revisiting this because there is a paper trail and the amount would be over the $1000 limit and put the charge into the felony category.

The number of total reported victims is actually closer to two dozen. A police officer contacted us asking if we knew where Ellington was on approx April 16 2009 as the officer was looking to find and arrest Ellington on outstanding warrants, the officer stated that a female who lives in Queens had filed some sort of complaint and was seeking or considering seeking an order of protection from Ellington. Since the female victim in the May 15 arrest lives in Manhattan we believe that based on this information there may be yet another female victim whose story to goes unreported.

If you have been victimized by Ellington or have any information that could lead to further charges, please contact your local authorities as well as file a report on http://www.ic3.gov which is the designated national area for collecting information on this offender, that is where the FBI said to list information. It is also very helpful to report any news to Lovefraud so that all of the information can be kept together to advocate for maximum penalties and try to keep him off the street as long as we can, every day he is in jail is a day he can’t hurt someone or steal from someone.

James Brian Ellington is a sociopath, a con man (he wishes he graduated to artist), a pathological liar and a toxic human. I will post more information later but I will start by saying this…no matter if you are female or male…he will do the same to you. He could care less about anyone (even himself). He has no conscience, buthe will fool you into believing that he does. Don’t get into my situation. I was almost killed byhim. Im sure his next victim wont be so lucky.

I have had them ring me up after assaulting me too. They were asking for help too. Thank God I am in recovery, there is a time I DID help them after they assaulted me, I was trained well by my parents..

Twisted — yes he is. Even sicker no one seems to be taking into consideration EVERYTHING he’s done.

Let’s hope the judge tomorrow/today will throw EVERYTHING at him and take his history into consideration & keep him locked up for a while.

Exactly…he seems to get away with everything and I cant seem to understand why. Hopefully the ADA, who has his wrap sheet, will ask for the maximum andthe judge will concur.
I think it speaks volumes when his own parents could care less to help him. They know what a sick human being he is. James needs serious help and should be locked up for a long long time.

Last year’s Bronx larceny charges update have just appeared on the New York Court website:
(The phrase “PAROLE REVOKED” is just so pleasing to me 🙂 )

Incident Date:May 31, 2008 Summons/Ticket #: CJTN:63008125M
Arrest Date & Time:June 2, 2008 18:09 Arrest #:B08644604
Officer Agency:NYPD Command:50 Next Appearance Date:May 26, 2009 Court:Bronx Supreme Court – Criminal Term Judge:Fabrizio, R Part:MCP
Date/Part Judge Calendar Section Arraignment/Hearing Type Court Reporter Outcome/Release Status 05/26/2009
MCP Fabrizio, R COMPLAINTS No Type
05/19/2009W Greenberg, E COMPLAINTS No Type Sasso, Adjourned, Returned On Warrant Bond $3,000 Cash $1,000 (Not Posted) 09/22/2008 MCP Villegas, G COMPLAINTS No Type Martinez, Parole Revoked,warrant Ordered
08/05/2008 MCP Foley, E COMPLAINTS No Type Tirado, Warrant Stayed
Case #: 34063C-2008 Defendant:
Ellington, James B Charge Detail Disposition/Sentence
PL 165.40 00 A Misdemeanor, 1 count, Not an arrest charge, Arraignment charge Description: Criminal Possession Stolen Property 5th Indictment Count: 2
PL 155.25 00 **TOP CHARGE** A Misdemeanor, 1 count, Arrest charge, Arraignment charge Description: Petit Larceny Indictment Count: 1

I will be contacting you asap. Not only have I pressed charges against James, but I AM the woman you read about in the NY Post. He is in jail beacuse of me. He needs to be there and stay there. We are engaged to be married! Life is funny, no? Actually life is a big kick in the ass! I would really like to talk to you about this.

Shesaid–I have sent [email protected] an email with my contact info. I would to be a part of the support group.
Sadly I too was taken in by this psyco.

Thanks!

shesaid – thank you so much! it was your original posted info from 2006 that helped identify him this time. if it hadn’t been for that, i’m certain he’d still be victimizing my friend. i’m very glad you’ve in touch with her. and thanks for the note via donna. you’re incredibly brave, and i only hope that you’re doing well.

This is so awesome you guys! I am so glad tha tyou have each other fo rsupport because it validates wha tyou have been through! TOWANDA to you all!!!

shesaid said:

He [Brian Ellington] [is] bi-sexual

Since Ellington habitually lies, even if he had told you that he was bisexual, you could not trust whether he was telling the truth. I imagine that it is possible that Ellington simply finds it easy to find victims to exploit within the gay community, because some gay men who visit gay sex clubs tend to be more promiscuous than some women tend to be. In other words, Ellington might use sex as a way to gain access to men’s homes and hearts, without actually experiencing the attraction that would make him gay or bisexual.

Just so you know, there is no hyphen in the word bisexual.

one in four gay men in Chelsea has HIV

Where did you get this information? Can you provide a source for this claim?

Columbia:
Prosecutors say Christopher Coleman strangled his wife, Sheri, and their sons, Garett, 11, and Gavin, 9, in their home on May 5 and made it appear it happened while he was away. Christopher Coleman maintains he is innocent.
People are murdered by a parent or a spouse more often than we’d like to think. The federal Bureau of Justice Statistics estimates that 568 wives were murdered by their husbands in 2005, the most recent statistics available. An estimated 128 husbands were killed by their wives that year. Parents murdered 242 sons and 192 daughters in 2005.

passingthrough:

Thank you. As a gay man who lives in NYC and is involved in HIV/AIDS outreach and awareness programs I was astonished at such a reckless claim as well as offended.

I was lucky enought to see the writing on the wall when i met him. Within 2 weeks i knew too many things didn’t match up. Fortunetly, i never let him into my home. it is amazing that he has been able to lead such a multiple life. What kind of person can possible be dating all these women at the same time. Let him rot in jail!! HAs anyone spoken to him from the slammer??

Has anyone contracted an STD from James? This is important to answer as we all must be checked. PLEASE, we are all in this together. From what I’ve heard he’s not getting out anytime soon.

Thanks I been following this story about Chris Coleman

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,521119,00.html

As well as the one for Drew Peterson.

http://www.nowpublic.com/world/drew-peterson-latest-news-two-counts-murder-kathleen-savio

and now of course with this story about James..

As for the STD testing. I know I got tested asap after learning how sociopathic people tend to be so promiscuous and I believe will do whatever it takes to get whatever they are seeking at the moment. Also after learning about projections put on us by them and how my ex s/p accused me of cheating many time, so many I lost count. I also known people who have in fact have a STD from some of these same people.

James:
Thanks for the link. I am following these stories too. I need reminding how far they will go.

No problem Tilly,

Yes I agree it’s good to be reminded about just how far they are willing to go to get what they want…

After the mall fiasco when her brother-in-law who tried to drive me over with his truck I went back to my sister house and asked both of us “what did I ever do to have her hate me so much to want to injury kill or maim the father of her children?”

Neither one of us said anything but only look at each other confused and concerned….

*for the full story please read:

http://james-personalitydisorder.blogspot.com/2009/03/personal-journal-part-3.html

James:
What a nightmare! I sympathize with you as I too have been close to death at the hands of Psychopaths. It is so important to remember how far they will go.
My husband and father of my older two viciously beat me for 12 years and eventually tried to strangle me to death. He has killed and never been convicted of them. My youngests son’s father tried to push me over a cliff ( in Sydney, its known as “the gap” )when we were taking our five year old “for a walk” on an access visit . Both these attacks were planned and the psychopath was being totally “charming and gentle” before the attack.
Its a wonder I am not one of these mad people sooting people at random from the rooftops seeing the abuse i have been through. But I stayed sane for my children. Now finally it is for myself.

James:
It was when I realised on love fraud that the psychopath condition can be genetic, that I finally got it. I used to think psychopaths were the result of abuse as a child. Here are some quotes to prove otherwise.
Ted Bundy (who admits he had a great upbringing): ” You feel the breath leaving their body..your looking into their eyes..a person in that situation IS GOD.”
David Berkowitz: (said seriously), “but I didn’t want to hurt them I only wanted to kill them.”
Clifford Olsen: “If I gave a shit about the parents I wouldn’t have killed the kid”.
And lets not forget Edmund Kempler who decapitated his victims and slept with their heads: Question: “What do you think when you see a pretty girl walking down the street?”
Kempler: ” One side of me says, “I’d like to talk to her, date her. The other side of me says, I wonder what her head would look like on a stick ?”. On Good Friday 1973, Kempler battered his sleeping mother to death with a claw hammer. Then he beheaded her and used her decapitated head for oral sex, i.e. before using it as a dartboard. He then cut her vocal chords out and put them in the garbage disposal, but the machine would not break them down and regurgitated them into the sink. In his interview after being arrested he says: “that seemed appropriate, as much as she’d bitched and screamed and yelled at me over the years.” He then invited his mothers best friend over, and killed her too by strangulation.
This guy was never caught, in the end after serial killing he actually gave himself up. I always remember that this is what any psychopath is capable of doing given the circumstances. Why would anyone VOLUNTARILY hand a child over to one?? Beats me.
Can you imagine handing your child to a monster like this?

Tilly,

Whenever it comes to a sociopath personality disorder I learned to expect anything and everything. After learning about personality disorders I started reading about serial killers and those that kills once like Scott Peterson. Serial killers are different then your average Personality disorders but they share many traits. Lack of remorse no conscience and many more. But it’s believed most serial killers are born psychopaths. Personality disorder are in part both environmental and genetic. Just how much each part is? Well, that is something still in debate.

After learning about this I started to see how my children may be at risk in developing a PD. I know for a fact my biological mother was a NPD. I also know there was a mental disorder concerning my ex s/p mothers who suffer something and was on a lot of medications. But we also know that genes don’t always show up in all the children and may even skip a generation. Anyway, I am always on the look out with my children and see if any of these traits the PD have show up in them. So far so good and hope it stays that way. Both sons are in their teens so they personality are still developing.

So sorry about your ex and his many attempts. You are indeed lucky to be alive. I try not to believe they are evil incarnated but sometimes it does get very hard to rationalize what they do to others and then feel nothing more about it no more then Scott did when he kills his wife and unborn child.

James & Tilly,

A lot of people don’t seem to realize that it isn’t JUST the serial killers (and Scott Petersen would have been a serial killer if he had not been arrested when he was—just like my son would have been) that are psychopaths.

I think that ALL psychopaths are capable of murder under the RIGHT circumstances. Some of them are more cagey than others, etc. but I think they are ALL capable of murder if they can get the courage up to come up with a “fool proof plan” (they think). I believe that Scot PLANNED Laci’s murder. I think OJ just “lost it” and killed Nichole. though he might have planned to HURT HER that night. *the gloves and the knife in his possession.

Ted Bundy planned most of his murders apparently. so did Charlie Manson.

But I don’t think these are THE MOST EVIL Ps at all. The ones who maim and disfigure, rape and emotionally harm their victims to me do more “harm” than simply killing them. BTK was horrible, as he tortuerd them before they died, but I wonder if those poor women would ahve been “better off” living with the memory of that or dying. It would be a tough call for me to decide for myself….but they didn’t get a chance to decide for themselves.

Personally, I think some of the Ps who ever actually physically beat or torture their victims are WORSE because they destroy the SOUL of these victims.

BTW, Tilly and James, haven’t told either of you lately how much I value your input! glad you are here! (((hugs)))) Oxy

Tilly: When we finally really see the CRAZINESS, we see it. We “get” how totally screwed up they are. Even crocodiles are more predictable — at least they don’t PRETEND to be something else!

But when people are still stuck in a place of believing, “Well, he’s really not so bad . . .” it’s like they’re sitting in a burning movie theater commenting on the “special effects” and noticing how cozy it is with all the heat.

Tilly,
I think you are one lucky lady…Survival. I’m not sure how you managed? What really touches my heart is the way you described your mother. I can’t even imagine growing up with a mother like this.

I am trying to have some reflection of how I am going to be able to get through this with my son.

I hear so many people here on LF that keep a close eye on their kids worried about the genetic component and watching for the warning signs of a personality disorder in their children. Seeing them and being able to do SOMETHING about them are 2 different things. I am finding this out the hard way.

I see the disturbing signs. I see them EVERYDAY. It’s not as if he is a YOUNG CHILD though, where as a parent you would try to reverse these traits in him. At this point I haven’t found what will work with him. Every single thing I have tried for he last year and a half has failed miserably as far as effectiveness. Most either makes him angry or more creative as far as “winning at all cost”.

He has this uncanny ability to turn situations to his advantage when talking to adults. And kind of USE them against each other. He does this at school all the time.

At his age I am so at a loss of what to do. When he does what he does it is not as if you feel an adolescent is behind it. It feels as if he has alot more power and evil intent behind it than an average 16 year old is capable of.

I feel like when he lies, he feels like he is fueling his power. Even though he isn’t believed, ( by the recipient to his lie) HE BELIEVES in himself, he thinks he is right on, so in a sense he feels more powerful in every situation. It might be ALL IN HIS own head. But isn’t that really what the problem is?

Same with passing blame. It doesn’t seem to matter if no one “buys his story”. He convinces himself he is never at fault for anything. So it is WHAT HE says it is.

I know that you have gone through this with your children. And I know that your youngest son is a sweetheart.
What troubling signs did you see in your older son when he was a teenager?

Rune:

You are cracking me up right now!!

Rosa: What? I thought you were so sane! Me? cracking you up after all you’ve survived? Oh, no! Say it isn’t so!

Tilly: You must have been married to the clone brother of the psychopath I was involved with. So casual, so “non-prosecutable” with his insinuations and his fondness for inviting me to join him in high places for no good reason at all. I’m thinking of several right now that I had forgotten.

You are so lucky to be alive. And you must have survived for a good reason, because you have plenty of material to draw on to help people here decipher what’s really going on in their lives.

Witsend,

YOU DESCRIBED MY P-SON AT AGE 16 TO A TEE! He is the same today as he was then. LIE LIE LIE and evil intentions.

He believes if it is MINE, HE DESERVES IT. He deserves everything I have worked for in my entire life. If he doesn’t get it handed to him on a silver platter, he will take it by force. No problem with that in his eyes.

The only difference in him at age 16 and now, is he is more cunning and manipulative. Twenty+ years in prison have given him a PhD in crime. I know how frustrated you are. How frustrated I WAS. Now, I ACCEPT it. It IS WHAT IT IS. I can’t change that. I wish-ED I could have, but I no longer wish for the IMPOSSIBLE. I realize it is impossible to change someone AGAINST THEIR WILL. AGAINST THEIR DESIRES.

I have seen person after person come here on lovefraud with a DESIRE to fix their X, to get them back, to BELIEVE in them. Sometimes they go back, but it is NEVER BETTER. Sometimes they come back here and do heal, most of the time though, I think they either go back to the same relationship or just find another psychopath to replace the first one. Sad. We can’t fix them, like us they have to FIX THEMSELVES and as you know, it is PAINFUL, HARD WORK.

I wish I could hold you ini my arms and comfort you, because I know you have a long, hard, frustrating road ahead of you. All I can do is to pray for you and pray for your son, but fixing him is up to HIM. Love Oxy

Witsend: I feel for you. You know, you see, and you don’t have a solution right now. Have you asked/prayed/meditated for a solution?

I know I’m stepping out on a limb here, but I see your intelligence, and I know the solutions you’ve looked for — and as I understand, nothing has shown up. Have you tried asking, within yourself, in prayer, or however you might do it, for a solution that is outside of what you might imagine? You’ve tried everything you know — now, how about a solution from beyond what you know.

I remember Ox-Drover telling the story of her P-son being in jail, and she went to pick him up, and he insulted her. I wondered when I heard that story what would have happened if she had just left, and left him in the hands of the state.

I don’t know where you are now with your situation. My heart goes out to you. I have been through several variations on this story, and I don’t have any easy answers. But I do know that sometimes we get a real solution from a place that we don’t expect.

Open your mind and your heart to have a solution come in, something that you couldn’t have done on your own. (If you could have, you would have already, right?)

And stay strong and in your compassionate being, open to “miracles.” I’m pretty sure a solution won’t look like anything you’ve imagined, so keep an open mind.

And I will also be holding the intention that you have a solution that is in integrity, and that will allow you to move forward in your life.

Ox-Drover: I don’t mean any criticism of you. We can only do the best we know how. In that moment when, maybe, the universe was giving you an excuse to step out early, you thought you had to pick him up and take him home — again — so he could keep doing what he was doing, and you could keep on hoping. That is a natural response from a loving mother. But Witsend has the benefit right now of more information than you had in your moment at that fork in the road. Perhaps something will happen here in the next several days that will change things for the better with her. We can hope.

Dear Rune,

I agree with what you said, I did NOT have that information back “then” and I do now. There is never any way I can know if I had walked out that day he asked me when I went to bail him out “what the F$%K took you so long?” I did leave that night and NOT take him home. I told the officer there had been a “mistake, MY son wouldn’t talk to me like that!” I have wondered what my life would have been like if I had kept on walking and never taken him back. No way to know, of course.

It IS what it is and it WAS what it was. My only point in all of this is that WE CANNOT FIX THEM—“them” being ANYONE who doesn’t want our help or think they need our help.

No matter how smart we are, how hard we try, we can’t MAKE ANYONE TAKE OUR HELP. It IS not in our control. Your suggestion to pray about it is about the BEST solution I can come up with as well.

When we have a situation and it is OUT of our control, we must turn it over to (our idea of) God. There are just some things that WE can’t fix. So long I BEAT MYSELF UP windering if there was anything else I could have done to fix him. Not that I thought his actions were my fault cause I didn’t potty train him right, but I kept wondering what I MISSED that I could have done. I knew I did my best, but still I was NOT successful in fixing him.

Witsend has done everything possible for her to do and still her son is not responsive. I’m hoping that she will continue to do her best (I know she will!) but not feel that she has failed if he is not fixed by her efforts, and that she doesn’t spend, as I did, 20+ miserable years continuing to try to “fix’ him after the fact.

Personally, I think Witsend is smarter than I was and I don’t think she will tear her heart out for 20+ years if she can’t fix him.

Misery though, is in direct proportion to the DIFFERENCE between EXPECTATION and REALITY. Right now her “reality” and her “hope” and expectation of fixing him are 180 degrees off from each other. THAT is PURE 100 PROOF MISERY, and I’ve been there, my heart goes out to her more than anyone can ever know, and I know yours does too, Rune. (((hugs))))

hello everyone, i’ve been off the site for quite awhile and need some advice. Ive been going out to a local jazz/bar on the weekends just to get out and met lots of men, some drunks , some prob nice and here iis the thing and i’m going to be very honest and blunt. I’ve had all kinds of people telling me “you could have any guy you want” and please don’t think im arrogant as i havve low self esteem but to look at me from the outside and thats what people do to be honest. They see this attractive girl, nice car, good job(but been off for ages due to this obsession) but none of it sinks in. I should be grateful for all that i have and see it the way they do but i can’t. Im afraid no man is ever going to be able to compare and the worst part is the s was a complete and total asshole except for a few sporatic kind moments so i feel as if i m totally damaged by all this crap. I’ve also been told that when the time is right and the riight guy comes along but im wondering if it’s just my ego and that i can’t accept that the s would rather have a biker chick at the present moment than myself and i have loads of good qualities, i know i do. is it that i can’t accept that he has just discarded me for no good reason really and just picked up with a new target. Then i even start to wonder if i imagined all this stuff up when i know i’ve been to trauma programs, doctors, shrinks all have confirmed that he’s a sociopath/narcissist. I keep dwellingon the fact that he is treating this new woman better than i, as he has let her spend the night at his house when he very rarely did with myself. Why would i think he would treat her better when he’s treated both exwives and an ex gf like dirt. I feel as though i’m addicted to him even though i know how toxic he is for me. Is this normal reaction. love kindheart

Kindheart:

Your feelings are TOTALLY normal!!!

“I keep dwelling on the fact that he is treating this new woman better than I, as he has let her spend the night at his house when he very rarely did with myself.”

(They LOVE to twist the knife like that. He wants it to LOOK like he is treating the new woman better. But, I think you know deep down that she will get the same treatment as anyone else.)

I think “S” men want to “appear” in public as though they treat women well, so they can be attracting new victims at all times.

Sociopath men and their “girlfriends” is all a big show. Behind the scenes, they are abusive, lazy, selfish, and boring.

Kindheart:

At least in the end, they become abusive, lazy, selfish & boring.

I was stupid enough to be “intoxicated” with mine for about 8 or 9 years.

So, I am no expert on cutting ties with an “S” boyfriend.

Dear Kindheart,

Welcome back! Keep reading! Keep learning. Knowledge is power! ((hugs))))

Kindheart: by your own statement, you don’t know what a good man is like. And as long as you REPEATEDLY take your mind back to that worthless excuse for a so-called human that you used to “be available for,” you will NEVER know what a good man looks like, or be ready to be someone that that person would want to be with.

I don’t know what your social options are in your town, but you don’t need to be wondering whether men find you attractive. You need to think about what a good, kind, caring, compassionate, reliable, trustworthy, responsible man looks like — in his heart, not necessarily in his face — and wrap yourself around what it would feel like to be in a worthwhile relationship.

You’ve wasted, what, ONE QUARTER OF YOUR LIFE with a worthless, no-good, and you’re still obsessing over him? And wasting your time, and everyone else’s while YOU refuse to turn your attention somewhere positive.

If you go down to the local jazz club hoping to attract attention — that’s easy, and probably a pointless thing for you to do — BECAUSE YOU’RE NOT EMOTIONALLY READY! You may be gorgeous, and have a job, nice car, and all that. But emotionally you are still yearning for a worthless excuse for a human. How could any decent man get past that?

I know I’m blasting you, but I know you wouldn’t be asking if you didn’t REALLY WANT TO GET PAST THIS. OF COURSE! YOU DESERVE A GOOD LIFE! And it’s those moment-by-moment choices to continue to fill your head with the past that are preventing you from being ready to step into a beautiful future!

So, here’s an exercise . . . start envisioning a good man. You may never have met him, but he exists. Think about what he would do, what he would be like, how it would feel for you to know that he CHOSE TO BE WITH YOU, and HE WANTS TO BE WITH YOU, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s thinking about treating you badly.

You deserve a good life, It’s up to you to START CHOOSING IT!

Rune & Oxy,

This sounds terrible but I will be completely honest here…I think I am angry with God….How DARE me, I know, its an awful thing to say. But I am trying to be honest when I say that….

Way back when this first happened even the simple things such as making an appointment with a therapist, where met with closed doors, the system is difficult when you don’t have good insurance or money.

His school also was another battle to contend with.
The first few times I saw his counscelor at school she was very, oh I don’t know condensending. “well you know you should have taken all of his privledges away”.
AS IF I HADN’T DONE THAT ALREADY. And she went on to give me a lecture, of how I should be treating this “matter” at home.
I tried to explain to her that when I had grounded him from “everything” he went from flunking 2 classes to ALL of them. He just shut down completely at school. His attidute was pretty much “I’ll show you”.

It was difficult because I couldn’t just walk in to the school and say….Hey, I have a problem here, I’m raising a kid with some kind of major personality disorder.
Regular “parenting solutions” don’t work here….

I think early on, although I KNEW there wasn’t an easy solution to this disorder that had presented itself in my son to me….I STILL THINK I had high hopes that he was young enough that if I could FIND him some HELP, it was POSSIBLE that he had a chance….

Since I have exausted the system of what is available (or NOT) and even went to the courts, I am just pretty much “beat” down at this point.

I don’t blame God for this problem….Its not that. But I am angry that every single door was slammed shut. And if I was on the wrong path all along that I wasn’t “shown” the right path.
WHAT am I supposed to be doing?

Every DAY of my life I feel as I am “CONTRIBUTING” to this DISORDER because I don’t know how to deal with it.

As his mother the one thing I don’t want to be doing is contributing to the problem.

Kindheart: Please try to change your thoughts, this is what I have been working on. If you THINK you have been totally damaged by all this … then that is how you are going to FEEL (your ego is lying to you because it wants to identify with him) change that to “I am OK, I release the need to obsess over him, I am pretty, I am healing”. Google “positive affirmations” and write down the ones that speak to your heart, then when you start thinking about him… change it to your postive thoughts and say them over and over, outloud to yourself in the mirror is helpful too. I’m not trying to tell you what to do, obviously, but doing this has helped me, it can be a struggle to pull myself away from negative thoughts, but I am not going to let that little voice in my head rule my thoughts or my life, I’m talking back to it now.

rune and shabby , thanks and i know i need a blast im so sick of trying to get this guy to see me for what i am. I am sic k of this desperate behaviour and you are right i have to try and focus on what a good man is like and it’s so foreign now that im going to have to really work at it. I will try as im tired of lowering myself just to ge t him to see , he doesn’t care he’s moved on to the next target and i keep getting stuck thinking what does she have bullcrap and why is he treating her better , my stupid ego or so they tell me in AA. Wish my ego would just go away . Thanks for the support and Rune i will read your post over and over to drill it into my stubborn dam head. love kindheart

Dear Kindheart,
I remember that you had said before that you are in recovery and I believe that you mentioned AA. If you were/are in a 12 step program then I am sure you are familiar with the saying, “if you keep doing what your doing you will keep getting the same results.”

I am sure that you are aware that you shouldn’t be hanging around in bars, nighclubs etc. That is risky behavior for a recovering alcoholic. And even though you might not have had the urge to drink, I am sure that you realize it is a cunning & baffling disease and that urge could/can return at any time.

What you are going through with your X s/p is an extension of your addiction. Going to bars is a slippery slope your risking right now. “Meeting” people at bars right now with how your feeling bad about yourself isn’t in your best interest.

EVEN if you are going there just because you are lonely and don’t want to be sitting home on a weekend. It is a bad place for a nice girl like you to be because your “vulnerability” shows even if you don’t think it does.

THIS IS HOW we get caught up into BAD RELATIONSHIPS to begin with. We give out “signals” even though we don’t know it. The “vultures” read our signals loud and clear.

I urge you to find some girlfriends that are not into bars or hang with some of the people that are in real “recovery” in the program.
Take care of yourself and realize that you are not yet where you want to be to invite another toxic relationship.

Rosa, reading your posts and you are right on as my s is very boring and lazy and selfish and this makes it all the more frustrating as i know deep down what he is really like so i don’t know why my mind is telling me he is treating her better when i know it is prob only temporary. He has just replaced me and is repeating all the same things with her. Why are they so fuc### in their behaviour, it’s like they just keep repeating with another person like an object. He cherishes all his material objects, never using them and keeping them immaculate, yet he replaces people like kleenex,, so sickening and so very hard to accept. I wish my head would just purge this man but it’s so like the alcohol, wanting to get back at the dog that bit you. Im so far from knowing a normal relationship at this point , it ‘s to the point where i don’t know if i will ever be able to be in one again. Im going to stay on here and keep posting as i think it’s alot like aa as i’ve gotten away from the meetings and they keep my head clearer just like posting and reading on here does. I thought it was actually keeping the obsession or feeding it by being on here but i’m finding it’s the opposite, it’s keeping me grounded in reality. I have to swallow my pride and ego and accept that he doesnn’t want or care for me and it’s a hard pill to swallow when i have given and contorted myself into being or trying to be the perfect person. love kh

Kindheart: I’m glad you’ve taken my message well. Yes, read it over and over. In your last post you STILL had to talk about how you are wanting to get this old low=life’s attention. DROP IT!!!!

Go back, read my message again. And the next time you post, DON’T TALK ABOUT X!!!! Every time you write anything about the past you continue to cement it in your head. Start working on writing about WHAT YOU WANT IN YOUR LIFE!

Witsend is also giving you good advice. If you don’t want to catch a scum-sucker, then why fish in the pond where they are known to be the primary species?

kindheart48:

I can relate to wanting to go out and feel good about yourself. And I can really relate to wanting to be in a relationship with someone nice. Do have to say, though, that you aren’t going to find what you’re looking for in a bar.

I had a series of disastrous relationships with people I met in bars, that culminated in S. Afterwards I forced myself to think about how I kept meeting these losers in bars. In my case I realized that after a few drinks I stopped thinking with my picker and started thinking wih my pecker. Or, to put it slightly differently, my ability to read people failed me and I was simply looking to get laid.

Anyhow, I began to see that there is some truth to the old saying “you’ve gotta go to the place where you’ll find people you want to meet.” I asked some friends who are happily married, both gay and straight, how it happened for them. To a man they said that they were ready to throw in the towel , just before they met their spouse. And it was only when they did something like go to church, start volunteering, going to a cocktail party at a museum — something where there were like-minded people — that it happened for them.

I haven’t worked out the kinks on this yet. However, this morning I did go to church and met a few really nice guys afterwards at the coffee hour. It’s a start.

Witsend: As the mother, you want to feel that you are responsible for EVERYTHING. You’re not. You can’t fix this. If you could, you would have.

I understand about being angry at God. I could stand on the hilltop next to you and raise my fist to the sky and demand to know, “WHY?!!!”

We don’t know. Sometimes as I look back on my life at the impossible situations I was dealt to live through, I now see a little bit of goodness that came from the experience — something I never could have anticipated.

Right now, turn the magnifying glass of blame away from yourself. Continue to ask for solutions from “the Great Unknown.”

And be very, very careful to do good things for yourself, to honor yourself for your courage, your compassion, and your stamina in this unthinkable situation.

Matt

I am finding the same thing out as well…it has taken me awhile but I have slowly venturing out and doing normal things and trying new things to associate with like minded people..I, too met my S at a bar…it was innocent as it was a “kareoke” bar but still nonetheless..it was his looks and my inhibitions that attracted me…he tried to tell me it was only the 2nd time he had been at the bar….(which of course it was only my 2nd time there_ comes to find out it was his stomping ground..he was in fact a regular there…shortly before I kivked him out he started back again at the “stomping ground”…and who says they never change!! LMAO

Dear Witsend,

I also prayed for a “solution” to the problem and didn’t get the “solution” I WANTED….I feel strongly that God gives us what we NEED, not necessarily what we WANT.

Since I have come to a new way to pray…I don’t pray for a specific “thing” like “Dear God let my son get parole” (though at the time I had worked very hard to help him get it) I prayed instead “God, I don’t know this young man’s heart, YOU DO. I don’t know if parole is what he needs or not. If it is the BEST thing for him to get out, then let it be, but if it is the BEST thing for him to stay in prison, then let that happen. I will TRUST that whatever happens is BEST for everyone.”

The Bible tells us that “ALL tjhings work together fo rGOOD to those that love the Lord.”

When I “lost” the battle t okeep the Trojan Horse psychopath out of my mother’s house in May of 07, (the judge put him out for a short time, but then my egg donor let him come back) I felt that I had LOST the “war” but actually I had lost a BATTLE but God won the WAR. If the TH=P had not come back, his affair with my DIL would not have come to teh conclusion it did with her stealing $24K from my egg donor, and them trying to kill my son C—if that had not happened, I know for sure my son C would NEVER HAVE LEFT HER. He would still be with that psychpathic witch! Then maybe she WOULD have succeeded in killing him.

Looking back over my life I can see lots of things I “lost” that I had or wanted and in the end it turned out to be a BLESSING for me. I have finally quit trying to fix the unfixable, and to run the universe qaccording to Oxy’s will, and given the responsibility back to GOD. He has a much better idea how it should run than I do. I just have to TRUST Him that “all things will work out for good to those that love the Lord.”

Sometimes there are things we just can’t control, and we would like to, but I make myself TRUST God to run the universe and to know the BIG PICTURE. I loved my son with all my heart and I know you love yours, and as a mother, we want/ed the best for them, but people have FREE WILL. Even God doesn’t interfeer in people’s free will in my estimation and opinion.

I can imagine how you felt when the “counselor” started telling you how to “handle” your son. I had a therapist (court ordered after his first arrest for a gun at school, and a motorcycle theft) treat me the same way. He had the therapist conned that he was a poor abused child! LOL Just the look on the face of the therapist and the way he talked down to me made me want to “bitch slap” him.

I have one other suggestion you might try. Since he is totally UNCOOPERATIVE WITH YOU, be uncooperative with him.

Stop cooking for him, stop washing his clothing. Don’t give him any money. (I think he has a job so maybe he has a source of money from that) But even that can be taken away if you go to his boss to tell them that you do NOT give him permission to work–I think you have that right to do that too since he is only 16.

Don’t get him up to go to school, if he gets up and goes, fine if he lays in bed all day, let him. Do not do ANYTHING for him. I would even advise you to eat out and not grocery shop, so that there is nothing in the house to eat, except maybe something bland like oatmeal, and the kind he has to COOK not just “heat up”

If he complains, say “You are not cooperating with me, I will not cooperate with you.” Don’t say anything else to him. Just keep your cool. The thing is if you keep nagging him to go to school, etc. he has an “excuse” to be mad at you all the time and there is chaos and anger in the house and you are angry, he is angry. See how that works, it can’t be worse than what you have now I wouldn’t think.

I think you have tried everything else and he has apparently NO motivation to change his behavior, HE IS IN CONTROL. so, take back your control, don’t do things for him. (also keep your keys locked up etc.) If he has a car or a ride of anykind, sell it or give it away so he is on foot.

Rune,
Thanks, I needed that last part of your post….

I so desperately wish there was a “live” support group (not just an online one) in my area, not just for people with troubled teens but with people who actually KNOW and recognize personality disorders. BECAUSE they are dealing with THEM to.

I am soooo tired of trying to explain this to people who are clueless. You know the “well intending folks” who just have all kinds of opinions of how to be a better parent to defiant teenagers.

I remember going to a support group for suicide survivors over a decade ago…..And being with people that were dealing with the EXACT same things I was dealing with were key to my recovery. All the therapy I had gone through and the MANY books written by doctors that I read on surviving a suicide didn’t TOUCH base with much of anything I was thinking. I remember reading the first book that I came upon that made any sense. It was written by a doctor BUT that doctor had lost her son to suicide. And WOW did she get it. As the books I read before hers didn’t. She wasn’t ONLY speaking on an intellectual level. She was able to combine the intellectual level with the emotional level. And in doing so she spoke volumes, to other survivors.

And I believe that to be key in surviving any of these really hard jouneys that we face in life. Combining our intellect with our emotional side. And creating a balance of the two.

Witsend: Have you read the book, “Yes, Your Teen Is Crazy”? I’m not going to say that it answers the issues with your son, but I will say that the author is far, far ahead of the dumb-bell idiot who asked if you’d taken away privileges!

The book might help arm you to be more effective in talking with the inevitable “mental health professionals” who will question everything you’ve already tried.

According to the author, about 20 to 25% of teens are not at all responsive to traditional schooling or traditional parenting techniques. Only parent who has had to handle such a teen has any idea at all about the differences!

That book helped me to survive my own daughter’s teen years — and helped her to survive as well, because I was better at handling the ways she was acting out. Again, I don’t completely share your experience, but your boy sounds like he already fits on the more extreme end of that 20 to 25%. Maybe you can get some survival tips there.

As to a real-world therapy circle for us, I see so little understanding of personality disorders in general within the mental health community. I agree we need this additional support, but I think we have a process of educating the professionals to go through first.

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