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Dangers of online dating

1. Worldwide, there are 1.8 billion Internet users. It is reasonable to assume that, as in the general population, 1% to 4% of them are sociopaths. That means there between 14 million and 72 million sociopaths online—all trolling for victims.

2. Sociopaths target lonely people. If you’re looking for a relationship online, you are advertising the fact that you’re lonely. You are setting yourself up to be exploited.

3. When filling out an online dating profile, you provide information about yourself and what you are looking for. Sociopaths take the information and pretend to be the person of your dreams. They use the information that you posted to seduce you.

4. Sociopaths typically register on multiple dating sites simultaneously. They keep baiting the hook until someone bites.

5. The Internet is anonymous. It is impossible to know for sure with whom you are corresponding. Some people post gorgeous photos in their profiles, which are actually photos of models stolen from elsewhere on the Internet.

6. Experts believe that 65% to 90% of human communication is nonverbal—facial expressions, gestures, body language, tone of voice. That means in communication via the web or e-mail, 65% to 90% of the meaning is missing. With so much information missing, people interpret a communication to mean what they want it to mean.

7. Because communicating over the Internet is anonymous, it creates a sense of safety. You feel like you can confess your hopes and dreams to a stranger.

8. Sociopaths say what their targets want to hear. Often, the sociopaths are lying. But humans can detect a lie only 53% of the time—the same as flipping a coin.

9. So here’s what happens when you look for romance online:

  • You provide information about yourself by filling out the dating profile.
  • You communicate with someone, but 65% to 90% of the meaning is missing.
  • You pour out your heart and soul, and it feels good.
  • The person responds, and you interpret everything to mean what you want it to mean.
  • You fall in love with your own fantasy.

Print out Lovefraud’s Dangers of Online Dating.



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137 Comments on "Dangers of online dating"

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Dear Donna,

SO TRUE! As numerous visitors of LF can attest to this happening to them! Excellent article!

Found it interesting that the bulletpoints of number 9 are uncannily similar to what happens when you also (unknowingly) date a Sociopath in real life- unless you know the signs!

* You provide info about yourself by letting them in.
*You communicate with them, but 65 to 90 percent of their meaning is misssing
*Once trust is gained, you pour out your heart and soul
*When youre hooked, and the person responds in any manner, youre at risk for interpreting everything to mean what you want it to mean.
*You fall in love with your own fantasy

This is good to printout not only for Online Dating — but for Real Life Dating – and making sure you set boundaries, know the red flags, and stay away from the danger signs (words/actions) that they ultimately ALWAYS REVEAL – less noticeably ONLINE.

EXCELLENT article, Donna – thank you for this post. Too many people are relying upon technology to do their thinking for them, and this includes developing healthy relationships! Thanks, again.

Yeah, I’m thinking that the TESTIMONIALS should be posted somewhere… maybe I will put up a website for that!

one/joy_step_at_a_time

i feel really torn when i see meeting people online written about in this way. there is wisdom and truth in it and it is also incredibly reductive and sensationalized.

People meet online in lots of ways, beyond dating websites, and are at great risk there also. I have also met some really normal ordinary and not scarey ‘dates’ online. now, i swim in a different pool – a vastly smaller one and one that generally isn’t inhabitated by half the species.

I have also made friends with people who i met online a decade ago – on a cat health forum – people i still connect with, who i have met and spent time with, all over the world. normal enough, every one of them.

all that said, you can’t see people, and you have no idea who they are or if they are even close to what they say – my case and jannine’s are examples. but, everyone who met their ppaths in 3D didn’t know what they were dealing with either – and were hurt and decieved also. It is harder to veify some of Matt’s ‘tions’ with people you meet online, but as Janine’s posts verify, it is also not so hard to check people out online with the info they give you. And i think that this is what we need to focus on. How to spot them and protect ourselves.

I have read alot about ppaths infiltrating forums and destroying communities, and individuals. We have those folks show up here, and show their faces. Some of them have been embraced whole heartedly. But I feel them, usually within the first line of the first post. I have a lot of expereince with the feeling that rises in me from my own situation, and i trust it explicitly. I feel no need to respect them, that is reserved for people who are repsectful of this space and of me. I also do not engage them. I will however prattle on about meanigless shite until the cows come home to bore them.

the internet IS a good tool for spaths. No doubt about it. and it gives me the willies being on lf sometimes, ’cause i know they are swimming around, inventing characters and seeing if they can f**k with us for a while. lf is a bit diff than other forums, becuase we all have experience of ppaths, but my ppath presented as a kind caring compassionate world weary gentle soul. it is possible to be duped anytime, anywhere.

love one step

Yes One, the person who isn’t here anymore was gentle, steady, professional, respectful, smart, charming, fun, and insghtful – he was ALL THAT. And a gentle soul.

I loved him as breath. I was hook line and sinker… WAS! The guy had it all and had he NOT lied, mighht still. But he couldn’t not lie. His choice. He knew better and he did it.

Now, I am left to pick up pieces. I am so glad I stuttered on the call where they wanted to know if he could come straight home from jail. The defense attny wasn’t going to tell me he was married, legally, to someone else. Wonder if that is an issue to take in front of the BAR Association???????????

Weird that I feel peaceful about letting go of him but I see RED when I deal with the system because it is so unjust and does so much to facilitate these guys….

SILVER:
how long ago was this call???
If he has an attorney….YOU CAN HAVE ATTORNEY SERVED as his representative.

The attny is out of it, she was his appointed defense for Federal Parole violation- she would not have handled it anyway -this is a civil matter.

She called me before I could talk to him and wanted to know if he could just trot home from jail and I said NO because I didn’t know there was a reason for him to be in jail and there were some marital issues to resolve around THAT!

Then, his parole got revoked. Its been three months since I filed for the anulment and they couldn’t serve him here and now he is out of state and I just wait and wait and wait.

I have to hire an attny to represent him after he is served so that he can be represented at the hearing.

But the clock for the hearing doesn’t happen until he is served.

I suspect he is manuevering every way he can to stay ahead fo being charged with bigamy. The more difficulty I have with ending the illegal marriage, the madder I get and the more incented I become to get a pit bull mad dog attorney and run him down HARD.

Silly as it sounds- if I could just end the nightmare, I’d go away and live my life. But with every delay, every screw up and every thwart of my rights, I become further incented to make him a HEADLINE STORY and a life’s work.

Silver:
I can so relate…..this is how I got to ‘today’…..in the fighting sense…..
They will never just finish a chapter and move on…..and leave us to resolve…..
The more we have to put into what could seemingly be a simple situation….the more we think about the HEADLINES…..
and exposing the ‘bigger’ picture….
I KNOW, I KNOW….
🙂

I didn’t mean his attorney could handle this case, but as his representative……he could take service of papers. Thats it.

I had the ex’s criminal attorn. served with civil docs as his ‘legal’ rep.
He wasn’t happy about it……but I blindsided him and he took it.

I’m not clear on WHY YOU have to hire representation for HIM on this or any matter?…..Is this a state law?
I was under the impression the courts were open for citizens, and attorney’s were NOT required, but a choice in civil matters, even criminal (in criminal they are offered)? this is confusing to me?

Keep your head up….you’ll get your star!

one/joy_step_at_a_time

silver – i am not at all surprised that you are attracted to those qualities.

sending a little soothing balm…

The requirement is that he have representation at the hearing if he can’t be there- there is no money to provide it for civil cases and so if I don’t, I can’t get what I need. Its not a law, its a legal squeeze play.

There is no choice in the matter.

Thanks one. Its hard to trade what I once knew for a hardened bad guy I may well have reason to fear. Duped- that’s an understatement!

I’d love to post a testimonial on the site where we met with our wedding photos.

That would amuse me since his profile is still up there trolling from our together forever address!

Oh….ofcourse! Silly me.

You’ve got to provide the squeeze box!!!
Typical…..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zzsjUI754Yo

You sure have to be careful about who you meet on the internet. My brother and his girlfriend met on e-harmony.com and she is a lovely person, so it can work out. Why would anyone pretend to be someone their not? I never understood what they could get out of jacking people around. Although I’m still in the ‘I can’t believe it stage’.

Just today, my prince charming husband is helping me with my career plans and how supportive he will be, and he doesn’t mind being a stay at home dad. What happened to the “Nothing you do will ever be as important as what I do” when I wanted to find something to do outside the home. I almost believe he means it.

Do all of the spaths you know end up in jail? I always thought this was the definition of a sociopath; murderer, rapist, physical abuser. Never thought it could be a husband, friend or neighbor.

When and if I ever date again, the internet will be my last resort! My friend did a background check on her boyfriend before she would let him move in with her and her kids, smart woman.

Hope,

here is a newsflash for your friend, so did I and its just unfortunate they didn’t pick up on prison time, manslaughter and more. But they got their money for it…..

Tell your friend to check bureau of prisons and pacer and even then, don’t be sure you got it all.

silvermoon,
That’s good to know, my friend has a black belt but as we well know, the kind of crap spaths deal out, you can’t fight with brute strength.

HOPE:
After I had our first chld, He was HELL BENT for me to take an offer I got for work….3 weeks after a C-section.
It meant he could have me working, pumping breast milk while (now i know) he stayed at home and played daddy-o and sold his drugs.
When that contract ended….he didnt want to work.

He was always very supportive of ME working.
He’d pick up odd jobs as a cart boy at a golf course or a ski instructor…….but made no money….only the perks of skiing and golfing…..
No insurance, a 80. paycheck…..
How in the hell do you feed a family on 80.00 every two weeks????

I put my foot down and said it was time for him to work….he worked for a year and got fired….and it turned into ‘now, it’s your turn’…..

I suspect your husband is planning/plotting a divorce…..put you back on the career path and he can claim he ‘gave up his career’ so you can benefit. Hence….claim for alimony and support.
Everything you read online about Men and divorce say’s DON”T LEAVE THE HOME….and since he digs his heals in and won’t leave….
i don’t know….his behaviors are fishy….
ALL OF THEM….
BUT….keep going along with them……(ONLY IF YOU BENEFIT) but be cautious of his support….and know IT”S FAKE!!!
His career guidance is troubleing…..

He wants you out of the house working, so he can put on his show…….

HE HASN”T CHANGED, HE WON”T CHANGE, HE”LL NEVER CHANGE…..
He’ll only have tactics!
This is one of em.
Stay aware……

YES…in this age of computers….you’d think the authorities would have ONE system with ALL INFO entered CORRECTLY.

SO much slips through.

Dear Silver,

Just a bit of info here. My egg donor sued the Trojan Horse P in civil court. He was SERVED in prison.

He knew the court date, and did not show up. BUT HE COULD HAVE SHOWN UP. Actually the prison has an attorney on staff that represents the convict’s interests and CAN ACTUALLY GET THEM TRANSPORTED TO A COURT SO THAT THEY ARE ABLE TO BE THERE (ON A JUDGE’S ORDER FOR THEM TO SHOW) TO REPRESENT THEMSELVES, SOOOOOO— they CAN be in court. The state and the Feds do nOT WANT TO GO TO THE TROUBLE and expense, but THEY CAN BE FORCED TO.

Being in prison does not keep them from beingn served. The prison’s criminal’s advocate attorney at the prison CAN RECEIVE SERVICE for them. This I know for a FACT.

Without this, if someone wanted to divorce a prisoner who was doing 30 years, there would be no way it could happen if the guy couldn’t be served. Etc. Even Civil suuits can be prosecuted and done with someone behind bars and YOU don’t have to hire them an attorney so that they are represented.

Just cause this scum bag is in prison doesn’t mean you can’t serve him, or that you can’t get an annulment since you were never legally married. I think someone is shining you on! Prisoners are SERVED PAERS inside prison ALL the time.

My association with the prison systems for 20+ years via my P-son has taught me a thing or two! The HARD WAY! LOL

ErinBrock,
I keep the doubts going, I have no idea why. I think he believes his own lies, that’s why I can’t read any cues that say “I’m a liar”. The one I have figured out is when he wants to get close to me or touch me and says “look me in the eyes, I would never…..”, I can tell it’s gonna be a doosy!

With his career advice, he did have a good job and took a buy out at work. He was a hard worker and hardly ever took time off. In this respect, he doesn’t fit the profile of a spath. We have been together for 19 years, although, when I met him, his house was in foreclosure because his business went sour. Now I doubt so much of what he has told me and sometimes I feel a little paranoid.

Even if this man isn’t a spath, he is a pathalogical liar. He is bad for me, he is bad for our daughter. Thank you soooooooooooooo much for keeping me on the straight and narrow.

aaah it’s so hard to hear the truth….for that is:

I FELL IN LOVE WITH MY OWN REFLECTION

because that’s what he mirrored back to me

does that make me a narcissist?

Dear Hope for joy,

THEY ARE GREAT FAKES, and just because YOU see no motive to jack people around doesn’t mean that they don’t enjoy it.

You like vanilla ice cream and I like chocolate. You can’t see why I would like chocolate and I can’t see why you could STAND vanilla—they can’t see why we value “love” ande “connectedness” either! Or why we get so upset when we catch them lying. They think we are just like they are FAKE!

OXY…I think silvers first problem is FINDINGHIM….
He was recently moved.

Bulletproof, no it doesn’t. The n’s and spaths “mirror” what they, themselves, do not posess. If you are kind, open, and giving, the spath mimics the same words and gestures in an imitation of what THEY think is correct responsive behaviors. They cannot, themselves, feel kindness, openness, or a giving nature and therefore must invent, in THEIR worlds, how a person behaves with those attributes by imitation.

Silver, Just lost a long post to cyber space! Ugh!!!

OK, contact the DA’s office where he was last kept in jail on some kind of parole/probation or criminal warrant…to find out where he went. This should be public information.

If he went to FEDERAL custody, then unless he is in WITNESS SECURITY you should be able to find out WHERE HE IS.

If he is in FEDERAL prison for either a 1) new crime 2) a parole violation or 3) probation revocation, he should be locatable.

If he is in FEDERAL prison for 1, 2, or 3 but is in WITNESS SECURITY he will be housed in a special unit for such witnesses and your TRAIL WILL END at that spot. YOU will not get them to admit they even know who “John Doe” is. He will do whatever time he has to do for 1, 2 or 3, and then be released with a new name to an undisclosed location. He will probably not be given any or much help or supervision. The Feds do not call “parole” parole any more but “supervised release”—they did “away with” parole by RENAMING IT! LOL

And BTW if he has previously been in Wit-sec “John Doe” may not be his birth name.

Many times in my state I know fo rsure, if you are filing a CIVIL case against some one (like a divorce) and you have no earthly idea where they are, you are allowed to “notify by PUBLICATION” and you have to put a NOTICE IN THE CLASSIFIEDS to this person and run it like 30 days or once a week for 30 days or whatever and that constitutes NOTIFICATION then you go to court and get your annulment or divorce and they don’t ahve to be there cause you did the best you could to “notify” them. LEGALLY. Check with your state to see what “notification by publication” constitutes and do that.

Around here the paper is full of them for divorces, title quieting on land, and all kinds of things. Even for changing car titles.

Donna, if people can only detect a lie 53% of the time in PERSON, when you have or may have some physical indication of deception, what’s the chance you can detect a lie online? BELOW ZERO!?

Dear One-step,

There are people here at LF who are psychopaths, and present themselves as victims…I do not doubt that! I do believe that the level of ps masking as victims is less than the general population here, but don’t doubt there are 1 or 2 since there are hundreds if not thousands of people registered here.

We’ve had in the past several who came here as “victims” and they did a great job of presenting themselves as “poor me” but eventually they OUTED THEMSELVES, one case I can think of in particular that went on for a long time, and I was “close online friends” with her before she started outing herself. Had another one or two come here that I spotted right away, but the one woman (Rosa knows her) pulled the wool over my eyes for a WHILE.

One of the ways on line (here) that I spot “them” is that they come here newbie and are “in need” and they STAY “in need” without ever offering back to others comfort. Generally, here people come here and within a week or so, no matter how needy they were at fist, they are offering BACK comfort to others.

However, I know of at least one woman that posted here for quite some time who was a con-person trolling here on LF for a new victim, and posing as a victim herself. She was GOOD too. BUT funny thing is the advice and comfort that she gave to others here was GREAT! and I know it helped a lot of folks!

I’ll give you an example. Let’s say my Little Jack Russell Terrier is attacked and injured by a pit bull dog. He didn’t have a chance, so he is a victim, a TRUE victim. BUT, let’s say TWO PITS get into a fight about which one is dominant and one of them whips the crap out of the other, is the loser a VICTIM? I don’t think so. I think he is simply an abuser who bit off more than he could chew.

Unfortunately too many times people who present themselves as VICTIMS are simply a pit bull dog that got the losing end of the fight with another aggressive dog!

The real victims are the people who get jumped on by what they see as a friend, who turns out to be a gigantic pit bull who wags his tail til he gets close enough to you to grab you by the neck! (no offense to any dog meant)

Ox, Right now I am stuck because I know where he is. I’ve paid people to go serve him here and where they moved him, but I can not understand why it isn’t getting done …..

If that is the case, he may be OUT before I can do what you suggest and sitting around waiting for that to happen jumps my stomach up into my throat if what else I have been told is true.

All of his stuff is here. The wife doesn’t want it and I don’t want it but nobody can say what to do with it. I’m so fed up with the unresposiveness of the whole thing I could just scream!

Fine with the FED for me to hold the bag on this guy??? They turned him loose out of control. Let them get off their butts! I pay for it!

Let me add that one picture is worth 1000 words. If your gut tells you the person is too young looking has too good of a body, your gut is probably right.

I did not meet my x-sociopath Jamie online; however, I did stumble upon an online profile of his right after the relationship ended. In his profile photograph, Jamie looked so young I did not initially recognize him

Photo retouching is often easy to spot under magnification, as was the case with Jamie’s photo.

Originally, I laughed at this. Only later, as I learned about sociopaths, did I realize how consistent such an action is with sociopathy.

The irony in all this is that when Jamie met me, he thought that me, then 38, was actually younger than he, then 34. He thought I was in my late 20s and I even remember him saying to me “I wish I could still pass for my 20s…”

Oxy:
I agree…..and this is what makes spotting them in any situation tough….by the time we see it….and we are close…we doubt. We don’t want to believe bad in people.
Especially people who have ‘attempted’ to ‘help’ us.

It’s a lesson……for sure….
Here and in the outside world.
I remember ‘who’ your referring to…..and YES….that person gave great care and advice to others……but there was always a little something ‘off’.

Awareness is key….everywhere we are!

Well, EB as far as people bieing “a little off” YOU AND I QUALIFY!!!!!!! as WAAAAAAY off! ROTFLMAO

Silver, there should be an inmate advocate attorney if he is in a PRISON (jails may not have this) either FED or STATE. I have SERVED an inmate IN PRISON and with the judge ordering it they are COMPELLED TO TRANSPORT HIM TO THE HEARING (though they may resist if they are able to get away with it) BUT if you are really unable to serve him in jail (which may be the case) then try “serving” him notification in the newspaper. I know that is legal in most states, check yours out!

Let me add another comment. Cultural differences can lead to confusion, both online and in person.

Let’s stick with online (and emails, text) and a culture I became familiar with — British.

Even British sociopaths are polite. They also tend to naturally communicate in a way more endearing than Americans. For example, “sweetie” is much more often used outside of a romantic context. So is using x or xx (“Jane xx”) a closure when it may not mean anything romantic.

“Please ONLY “non-religious (including so called holy books)” free thinking males email me if you’re interested, so here i go……”

That quote of mine above at a online dating site has kept my somehow new level there as the “Sexiest User” pretty safe from Predators. They love BELIEVERS, for that’s how they begin the manipulation by how superstitious/vulnerable we are to some Male Dominating Higher Being!

I agree with what is stated in that article. That said, I still won’t completely dismiss on-line dating sites. My secretary and my cousin both met their husbands online. I met the great guy I’m seeing online.

The biggest problem with going online is stated in the last sentence “You fall in love with your own fantasy.” A nice picture, a carefully constructed profile, it is easy to do so. If you’re going to go online, you have to go at it using some smarts. First off, is my “3 subway stop rule.” If they don’t live within 3 subway stops of me, I don’t bother. Physical proximity is key. If a relationship is going to develop and work, you have to spend increasing amounts of time together. And you can only do that if you live fairly close together. If you have to start travelling to see each other, the odds are it isn’t going to work, because it requires too much effort too early in the relationship. People want what is in front of them.

Second, stop chatting online, etc. You are allowed one email to him. Then he emails you back. Then either you or he proposes you talk on the phone. You are allowed one phone call in which you agree to meet for coffee or a drink. That’s it. If you don’t meet them in person you are missing too many nonverbal cues. There are people out there who are really good at email, and really good on the phone. But, unless they are seated across from you, you are never going to be able to start vetting them. And even then, it takes awhile to figure out if the person oposite you is the real deal – a fact we all learned the hard way.

Face it. Sociopaths are walking among us. They are online. They are everywhere. The point of the matter is you have to lead with your brain and not with your heart — at least in the early stages of any dating relationship. We’ve all learned that the hard way. Oherwise, we wouldn’t be on this site? Right?

“We’ve had in the past several who came here as “victims” and they did a great job of presenting themselves as “poor me” but eventually they OUTED THEMSELVES,”

Go here and read “overwhelmed1” post, start a the last 30 days or less, she’s n her late 30s, has a 3 year old child with a mentally ill 20 year old, she’s had many sexual relationships withing her 14 yo teenage boy’s mentally ill friends, her myspace profile shows her with numerous “boys” having stoner parties along with the child’s very boy like father who she has manipulated into being the abuser! When confronted about her actions and the blaming, she immediately went into ‘VICTIM” mood and then many enablers came to her rescue there, even The Moderator. She’s there now. 1 member has since contacted another one so to contact The Police in America about the fact that she is committing rape of young males and has now had a child with one of her boy’s friends if not more!

“For Husbands/Wives, Girl/Boyfriends”
“http://www.schizophrenia.com/index.php

Yes, they are among us. And we do have to be careful. These guides are pretty good and the red flag list is good and watching for good manners and social context is important.

There really isn’t any easy way to be sure except to proceed intelligently and with caution.

Just a thought, is it more, or less likely to find them on the free dating sites as opposed to the ones that cost money??

Hmm.

Mine? Such a blast to be with in person that if there were clues, they were lost in the laughter, dancing and great conversations, in all the things we did.

There isn’t a panacea except adding it all up.

I’d have never known about all the dating that was ongoing after we married if he’d not left it wide open for me to see when they took him away.

I think meeting the other person’s friends and family may be really critical – context- although you never really know the dynamics of those relationships until you really know the other people.

yes, meeting their friends is crucial but at my age, so to speak, i can smell them coming now just by what they’ve NOT written in the profiles!

Great Article Donna,
I have also friends that have met people online and are very happy. I would just not risk it myself, even with the tools I have gained through experience I am just terrified that I could get fooled again.
Evolved! I am glad to hear that a previous LF blogger had been outed and hopefully there will be ramifications for her actions.
A very silly site for S’s to come too, but I guess they think that they are so cleaver and like mine love sympathy. And thanks Oxy for bringing this up that they are even amongst us here. I thought we were safe here but I guess we are not safe anywhere 🙂

I wonder if anyone can help me with something technical please? I don’t know anything about this stuff.

Is it possible for somebody to send spam email to my address with ‘personalised’ titles/subjects?

I get ‘withheld number’ phone calls and spam with words in them that mean something to us every time I leave him and I know he always follows his exes around. Since I really accepted that he is a Narc/Spath and mentioned lovefraud on a site he may well have followed me to, they have stopped.

So yes, really my question is could it be possible that he sends spam email and is able to make up his own subject heading? I hope that makes sense.

Verity…..
ONESTEP is a computer chicky……
sounds fishy to me….
I’m not well versed in this….
EXCEPT….
I do know keystroke loggers…where someone remotely can see everythng you type. If a Keystroke logger was installed on your computer…covertly….they are next to impossible to ‘see;.

I would definately recommend changing ALL passwords cell phone/landline/VM/computer….on windows and your browser.

The phone calls are a ‘given’……
easily could be spath……fix….DON”T ANSWER ANY WITHHELD……
In the US if the person calling you wants to unblock their number they dial *82.
My gf has a blocked number….and if she really wants to talk to me….she knows to *82 her number and i’ll answer.

I think its’ possible……but I’m no expert.
If you see One step around posting…ask her….

Yeah, the more I think about everything the more I wouldn’t put ANYTHING past him. I never answer a withheld call. I leave the answerphone on and if it’s a friend speaking I pick it up.

I will ask One Step. Wish I was on at the same time as you lot.Thanks EB.

I wondered about a keylogger as I know that my usual security would quite likely miss that. Was just thinking, if there is a keylogger it must be keeping him mighty busy with all the time I spend online. Hope he enjoys it and doesn’t miss his deadlines, lol! 🙂

Just saw your other post. Nighty night and good luck tomorrow!I don’t know why it’s a big day but good luck anyway 🙂

I am no longer with the s but I did meet him on the internet. He was of course perfect for me. After almost five years together did things start to unravel. The signs were much sooner but I ignored them. When the lies, theft, cheating/double life became very apparent is when it finally ended.

one/joy_step_at_a_time

verity – hi, i’ll see if i can help with a few things. i’ve learned most of my pc security and information capture knowledge since the spath. not even moderately expert, but do have a couple of tricks up my sleeve.

first, please do change all of your passwords and choose a setting on your web browser to not save your passwords. did this after the spath, i also changed all of my ‘plastic’s’ passwords, and actually changed my debit card completely.

until you know if you have a keylogger, cut and paste all sensitive info in, like passwords, cc and debit card numbers and email addresses.

what service provider are the emails from – yahoo, gmail, etc.?
if it isn’t gmail, you can check the ‘headers’ against the header in his email address and see if they are coming form the same IP ‘address’. i don’t know your level of computer knowledge in general, but opening the headers is a simple procedure once you know how to do it – reading them can be a bit more complex, and is some cases, where they are using a proxy server, impossible.

there is a whole marketing trend of gathering info from the websites we use, and feeding it back to us in spam. makes it a whole lot more likely we open the spam. so, this may be an issue (if you have typed in that info somewhere public (like a blog or facebook,etc.) that the email is regurgitating in the subject line.) you might be getting real spam or fake spam. (i got a couple of text messages form my not dead (didn’t know that at the time) spath’s phone tha tfreaked me the eff out)). he could be just randomly making crap up and sending it to you.

there are two types of keyloggers – hardware and software. a hardware keylogger will be located on the end of your keyboard USB cable where it attaches to the CPU. looks like a little ‘extension’. Easy to remove, just unhook it.

software can be harder to eliminate. what security software do you have? is is updated daily?

i recently got a horrid trojan (and i run LOTS of security) that i finally had to have the whole system blasted and reinstalled to ge trid of the last nasty piece of it – the keylogger.

so, giv eme a bit more info, and we’ll see if we can sort it out.

best,
one step

verity- that happened to me as well. I don’t know what programs he used or how he did it but he could read everything I sent on my computer and cell phone conversations as well.

It was very frustrating and creepy. I would have to go back to the cell phone provider every few months to have my phone put back on factory settings (this is while we were living together) Of course some of my friends thought it was my imagination but there is no way he could known what he did w/o listening to phone conversations and this was while he was on the road and I was at home.

Evolved Vegan,

Every user on that site is the “Sexiest User.” It is a marketing ploy used by the site operator to hook people. It’s easier to stay hooked on a site when it makes you feel good about yourself.

I’ve met about 15 men online. I haven’t met “the one” but I’ve learned a lot in the process.

I think that online probably has a higher concentration of sociopaths just because it is easy. I don’t think that just because someone is on more than one site that they are more likely to be a sociopath. Maybe they are just more serious about finding someone or more lonely.

I think that there are quite a few married men online who lie about their status. I think there is a pretty high percentage of men just looking for sex. But there are also a lot of genuine guys out there. I’ve met some of them.

one_step, thanks so much for that. I am now going to sound very, very stupid, but that’s par for the course these days of ptsd (I think; waiting to see the proper person for confirmation) and coming out of the trance I was in.

Right, I panicked every time I was sent one of these and deleted it straight away. The only one I remember clearly was sent from “UNUSUAL name we would both recognise” at a proper, bona fide online company and the heading had some unusual words in that I had been using on another forum where he could possibly find me. I know, I know, pretty vague. But UNUSUAL words, you know? I opened the email and it wasn’t from the proper bona fide company (I looked them up and they have a website)that it said it was, but one of the usual drug/viagra sites.

Sorry, this sounds daft. I had no idea whether someone could do anything like that and so thought I’d ask if it was possible. Pilgrimage, you had the same thing so it seems it is. Whether that’s because of keylogging or something else … my brain starts to hurt. I know nothing at all about computers. They are all deleted though, sorry. If any more come I will come back and report.

I don’t have a physical keylogger and I have AVG. Not a great security package I don’t think but they do a daily check. Thing is, NOTHING ever gets picked up so that’s why I think AVG must miss a lot. I used to have Norton and that picked up things here and there so was presumably a better one, but I have no money now and have to have what ex-h (a good man and not a spath) gets for me.

Strange thing. No withheld calls for some time (week or two? Used to be every other day) and then one today after my post. Both the spam and the calls stopped dead when I said on the other forum that he might be a spath.

I am aware that this has made me paranoid as all get out. When I went into the dissociative trance/ptsd state when he took me back to my childhood I did lose the plot big time. I’m not all the way back but I am starting to feel happy, genuinely content, for the first time in 2 years. Not just flashes of okay but ‘back to normal’. So I have to watch this. I worry that part of me won’t let him go and has to imagine he is still doing stuff. Honestly, I don’t know if my whole story of him being a spath (he is a narc though and a sex addict) is me making him big, bad, daddy-man or whether it’s true. For now, I don’t care because he has GONE.

I think I’m not going to worry too much about him sending spam emails. I don’t care if he is reading every word on this site, and it’s possible that he followed me here from somewhere else, but I will change as much as I can in case things get worse. If AVG doesn’t pick up a keylogger I can’t do anything about that. If a normal nonspath was reading what I was saying and didn’t like it, he’d phone me and speak wouldn’t he? So, it’s either my paranoia or he is a raving spath.

Thanks for your help one_step. You’re a good sort, as we say in England. 🙂 I’ve just read this again and it does read as terrible paranoia, I will admit that. He messed with my head big time — well, we all know about that.

I think there are a lot of married men on the sites.
And that they rate on the spath scale.

I remember giving one advice. It was a very direct conversation about what a jerk he was and how little he had to offer a single woman.

Jeesh.

I did meet one friend and it has been a good friendship.
Surprisingly.

If that;s the net from the internet, its good enough.

Here are some of the red flags I’ve learned to look for online:

1. Someone who claims to be very smart and/or to have a lot of education but can’t put together a grammatical sentence or use spell check. (I liek to lurn new things.)

2. Profile is a rant about the ex or about the opposite sex in general. (I’m tired of game players and liars. Women are all gold-diggers. B*****s need not apply.)

3. Brings up sex explicitly in the profile or the first email. (If a man brings up sex prematurely and starts asking explicit questions, he often will say that if you are going to have a meaningful relationship, you should be able to talk about ANYTHING. Ask him about his net worth or bank balance and see if he still thinks you should be able to talk about ANYTHING.) 😉

4. Profile has almost no information. Neither does the first email. (A one line profile or email that ends with “If you want to know about me, just ask.”)

5. Doesn’t list occupation or is vague. (Tell you later. Professional. Government. Self-employed.)

6. Lists age as one thing, then says another in the profile. For example, puts 40 as his age, but then says in the profile that he is really 50, but put 40 so that you would be able to find him because everyone tells him he looks younger and he is in great shape. It would never occur to him that maybe a woman could be 50 and be in great shape. Would he want to be lied to?

7. Lies about ANYTHING in the profile, even if he admits it. Do you want to start off a relationship with someone who lies right from the start?

8. Says he is looking for a sidekick, a first mate, etc. This is someone who is not looking for a partner. You can usually tell by the rest of the profile. It is all about his interests and needs. He is looking for an assistant, a secretary. He is looking for someone to wait on him, cater to him, take care of him, worship him. Don’t expect him to show any interest in your life, your family, your friends, your hobbies.

9. “Looking for someone who will love me unconditionally.” “Looking for someone who understands me no matter what.” He expects to treat his partner badly and get away with it. Guys who put this in are at best needy and at worst exploitive. There is nothing in his profile about loving you or caring about you. Just a laundry list of wants, needs, demands.

10. “Looking for my princess.”

11. Long list of physical qualities.

12. “Do you think you can keep up with me?” Arrogant. Needs to constantly prove he is better than you or his eqo will suffer.

13. Wants your phone number, but won’t give his out.

14. Immediately asks for your private email. I’m not sure what the scam is here, but I’ve had this happen with a handful of guys who I am quite sure are foreign born. I don’t know if they are living in the US or not, but the grammar is very odd. When I answer (without giving my private email), I ask them where they grew up and I never hear from them again.

15. Unwilling to give his full name. Maybe this is a double standard, but I don’t think many men get stalked by women and I am not sure what they are afraid of. I don’t give my full name unless I am very comfortable with a man and I am sure I know who he is. I am pretty sure that men who don’t give out their name after a reasonable amount of correspondence are either married, have a criminal record, or something else they are afraid to have you find out about them. Yes, I google them! This is especially odd when they ask very personal questions, but still refuse to give their names. When do they plan on tell you who they are?

16. Men who act weird about money. I had one guy ask me out to a fast food place. When I arrived (on time) he had already bought his food and was eating it and said I should go ahead and get mine and join him. This was so that he wouldn’t have to pay for me. I suspect he was looking for a woman to support him. He claimed to be retired, but I suspect that he was actually just unemployed. I don’t think he could afford to buy a fast food dinner for me. I don’t expect a man to always pay, but I do expect that he either pays when he asks me out or makes it clear that it’s Dutch. (I also expect that a man in my age group can afford dinner out. If he can’t even afford to treat for fast food or coffee, then he has financially mismanaged his life and is not a good match. I have paid when I have asked or when it was more reasonable for me to pay.)

My ex spath used the internet as a trolling tool – presented himself as a “good Christian” man. His victims were typically well-meaning, professional, good-hearted women who believed in the facade that was presented to them. To my knowledge, he went through (at least) 9 women in 11 years, and that doesn’t count the random encounters that were strictly for sexual gratification. Only God knows the real number.

Certainly, there are benefits to technology and there are testimonials of “good matches” out there. But, let’s just consider this fact: how many of the horror stories are made public? What’s the percentage? How many site members are actually married when they claim to be single and looking? What’s the percentage? There are no statistics for this, and the site “questionaires” are easy enough for a savvy spath to work around to present the most positive profile possible.

Having said that, I chose my spath ex via Real Life interaction, so if people can be fooled in Real Life, the percentages of online successes must (in my humble opinion) be very, very slight.

nottakingitanymore says:

“Every user on that site is the “Sexiest User.””

But you forgot to mention i stated it this way below my post here

“((site has kept my somehow)) new level there as the “Sexiest User”

and after getting over a hundred hits, i’ve only gone out with one guy who is athletic, like myself after we emailed each other for about 2 weeks, then spoke on the phone, met for Sushi, but unfortunately he was hiding he was religious until after dinner, something im not, and nitpicked about how much i ate at an “all you can eat” Sushi Bar, when i was actually breaking a Fast? Something i couldn’t have done, just light veggies. I felt also a “Bi” vibe actually he sent a foto of himself in a black THONG , i questioned that picture, he promised not to do that again.

Being a Vegan pretty much weeds out Spaths, as well, for they love to eat dead animals but Hitler was at least smart enough to be a vegetarian so he could remain healthy while he did his mass murdering, for vegetarians dont really care about animals, just their health, unlike Vegans do, for we dont want anything to to with the exploitation of any Animals or their by-products. Spaths reveal their true selves out of frustration around Vegans within about 2 weeks if not 2 emails or days,, Love it!

So thanks for the heads up but im away above waters on what such sites are up to, for i already know i’m Sexy, worked hard to become this way at 50, dont need anyone to tell me this, just there looking for a like minded Friend, not actually a BF, yet. I was actually making a point when i mentioned that. thank you again!

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