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Denied a restraining order, now dead

Kevin Conover shot his wife outside her divorce attorney’s office in Petaluma, California. Then he shot himself.

Read Slain Petaluma wife was denied restraining order, on SFGate.com.

Story suggested by a Lovefraud reader.


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47 Comments on "Denied a restraining order, now dead"

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Oh, G1S THAT’s my song!!!!! Oh, goodness I love it! What a great song! Yea, never thought about it though but it is sort of like a stalker song!

Kim, I agree with what the others have said. If this woman is “stalking” you (and calling up your daughter “worried to death” about you) then you need to set some boundaries.

Maybe the reason she is living a dysfunctional life style is she has no boundaries and doesn’t know how to behave. Her INSTANT BEST FRIENDING of you sounds pretty much BORDERLINE PD to me.

When anyone wants to become my NEW AND BEST INSTANT BEST FRIEND I run screaming the other direction. It is love bombing at its best and Borderlines are great at it just like psychopaths are, but the difference is that BPDs usually start punishing you pretty quickly if you pull back. My husband rented one of our rental units to a BPD and the woman stalked me for months…I even came out of the doctor’s exam room once and she was standing outside in the hall way waiting for me. She had called my house when I didn’t answer the phone and my husband had told her I had gone to the doctor with my dad, and she found out which doctor and talked her way into the hallway outside the room. Needless to say I set some BIG boundaries on her. She made my skin crawl.

Any time you deal with these ENERGY VAMPIRES you will lose blood so I suggest you set strong boundaries. Kindly but as strong as fort Knox. FIRM BOUNDARIES.

When people tell or show you what they are, BELIEVE THEM.

You already see she has a dysfunctional life style and is big into triangulation and has poor social skills…too bad, but you are responsible for fixing these things why?

Hey Louise, I have a long story for you, and this one is waaaaaay from my past. It is one of my most fun experiences to think back on… you know those times when the right words just come out of your mouth, the right come-back, and you weren’t even thinking of it? Well, this is that kind of story:

When I was 20 years old I worked at a fancy department store part-time while I was in college. There was another young lady who worked in my department, “Tammy,” who was 2 years younger. Back then, I was one of those highly empathetic, earnest, “nice” girls who was so easily taken advantage of by the bad boys… but I still wasn’t broken or jaded. I was open and excited about the world. I think I really came across as spath-bait.

But totally naive to that fact. I was just shining my little light out into the world.

Well, this fancy department store threw some pretty fancy Christmas parties — a country club, 2 live bands and limitless, amazing food and alcohol — all included, free-flowing. Cool party, on a Saturday night. We shut the store early for this party. And we all dressed up.

Tammy didn’t know that I was majoring in fashion design. Usually I’d come to the store in an oxford shirt and a corduroy skirt, no makeup. College student, you know. Early 1980s.

But for the party, I made myself a very beautiful, extremely sexy dress, pale peach silk shantung skirt, very fitted, with a drapey metallic gold top, that dipped very low in the back. I looked hot. Hair, makeup, shoes, nails, etc. to match. I thought nothing of it because I know how to dress appropriately for different occasions. So… let’s just say I was happy, glowing, confident, and NICE.

Tammy came with her boyfriend. We sat at a large, round table with the rest of the people who worked in the department. I was having fun. Then Tammy spoke up, in a loud and taunting voice, “ooooh…. look at 20years…. she thinks she’s sexy…”

(not a nice thing to say, right? well… naive and nice me didn’t realize that it was bait, because…)

Tilting my head slightly to one side with a mildly (and genuinely) confused look on my face, I said, “No, Tammy, I don’t *think* I’m sexy… (then I smiled a very nice, happy smile) I KNOW I am!”

And so, haha! take that, Tammy! But seriously, I didn’t know I was being messed with. Everyone else at the table did. And thank goodness, I was able to say the right thing back at her. She kind of slunk away, and I got a lot of “whoa, good job!” comments. Tammy’s boyfriend even asked me to dance and told me that HE thought I was sexy (no, I didn’t pursue that. Ick.)

So, this long story I’m thinking of tonight, basically it’s about my remembering how “nice” and happy I was, back then. And I’m still “nice.” A different sort of happy…. but I no longer want to be naive about spaths (I’m not) and I no longer want to have any self doubt, that there is anything wrong with nice old me. I want to be myself, and not allow anyone to mess with me. Ever again.

And I think there are some clues in the way I responded to Tammy, that told her I was not the easy mark she had thought I was. I still wonder how those words came out of me — but I think it was because I really did know I looked good, so my confidence didn’t falter. I was just confused by her statement. And she misjudged me because she wasn’t used to seeing me all dressed up.

So… having self doubt really doesn’t work in our favor. I think we should be confident in ourselves, in who we are, and if we are nice people, then so be it. I don’t think we have to change. And anyone who tries to tell us that we are not to their liking, well that’s just a sneaky tactic to try to control us. Don’t fall for it.

“Being blamed” for being a nice person is a judgment call by the speaker.

It is not a character defect. Yes, 20, all those things you listed are good things.

If somebody wants to “blame” me for being that way, I’m going thank them.

In fact, a family member once noted that I have the same gentleness as my father so to me, that’s always been “something that runs in the family.”

Ayup, that’s what I am.

20years:

Great story! Thanks for sharing this.

What I got from it is that she was jealous of you and especially because she had her boyfriend with her…she didn’t want him to think you were too hot…and he DID! Hahaha, I love it!

Your description of yourself reminds me so much of myself when I was that same age…just being who I was, shining my light and not realizing how other people were viewing me. I am so different now. I guess life beats us down and we become different people.

It is ALL about confidence for sure. People who try to undermine our niceness are jealous of that niceness because they know they can never be us!

Right on, 20years! The best answer you could have given!

I once had a similar convo with a pupil in his last grade who was always being annoying, but I could never catch him at it… especially because he’d stir up others to make trouble… Anyway, after months I was finally able to catch him in his disrespectful behaviour and confronted him about it at the end of the lesson. I asked him point-blank what issue he had with me. He told me that he felt as if I tried to be liked by the pupils by “trying to act cool”. Like you, I put my head to the side and smiled. Then I said, “I know that at your age it is important what peers think of you and how you come across. But you see, because of this you also cannot fathom yet that some people just ARE COOL.” The look on his face at that response was one for a picture. He never caused trouble anymore in my classroom after that though. That was my 2nd year as a teacher, and I was 29-30 at the time.

Regarding triangulating: Last night, I talked to a Belgian acuaintance of mine who’s been one of my spath’s exes a couple of years before me. Somewhere along the convo she suddenly mentioned how he had approached her several weeks ago, asking her to ask me to get rid of it, but she also said she hadn’t wanted to do that… thinking “He’s a grown man, he can ask himself.”

A part of his email becomes clear now. It looks like he told everyone he could what I had done and asked them to ask me to delete it. He even seems to think they’ve all asked me. But, except for his sister and his gf, nobody asked me to delete it, let alone initiated a convo with them. Of course he twisted it into a version where the “girls” were asking him about it first, while he pointed it out to him.

Better even for me… They never asked me anything, instead it spread like wildfire and even expat Nicas all over the world responded with “he got what he deserved” for the way he treated me.

It turns out that his attempt at triangulating and wanting to tell them that I’m not as “nice a woman as everyone claimed” just backfired on him.

Darwinsmom, TOO COOL!!! Hahaha. You are right. Also, the “at your age” part can be pretty effective. My son (I’m watching him closely because of the genes) sometimes tries to put me down because I’m old, and I just smile slyly, look him in the eye and say, “yes I am…” (so far, this approach works)

When I think of teachers, I like to think of the examples in Harry Potter (as they are portrayed in the movies, especially). There are lots of great interactions between the teachers and the students where you can see one-up-manship (and COOL-NESS) in action.

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