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Donna Andersen on ‘My Life Is a Lifetime Movie’ – watch the full episode online

The Lifetime Network aired my episode of My Life Is a Lifetime Movie last Wednesday. But if you missed it, don’t worry, because you can watch the entire episode right here.

Each show covers the stories of two women, and in this one, called Husbands Gone Wrong, mine is the second story. The first one, however, is also a story of a sociopath—they actually call the guy a “psychopath,” and I’m pleased to hear the TV show using the word. My story starts at 30:45, although it plays better if you watch the entire show. Here’s a link to the show:

Husbands Gone Wrong on My Life Is a Lifetime Movie

You can see more episodes of My Life is a Lifetime Movie on Wednesdays at 10 p.m. on the Lifetime network. Here’s more info:

My Life is a Lifetime Movie

 


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257 Comments on "Donna Andersen on ‘My Life Is a Lifetime Movie’ – watch the full episode online"

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Hi Donna,

I watched you twice! Once a portion of the show on Wednesday and then the whole show when they replayed it Friday night. You looked great and did a wonderful job. It’s so unbelievable people are duped to this degree and I understand the feeling of “how did I not see” the “red flags”?. I am so glad you got away and I cannot tell you how happy I was you won a settlement for a sham called a marriage. I know you really had to peservere to get through that. The pain you must have felt is unimaginable. I am so sorry you went through this. It’s also disgusting you never received the money awarded to you.

You give me hope having found a true love after such an experience.

Thank you for starting Lovefraud to get the word out of how destructive these people are who are not necessarily a “serial killer” like most think sociopaths and psychopaths are. These creatures do so much damage that is disregarded and minimized when peoples lives are truley destroyed and they have nowhere to turn and no “support” after the fact but we must find a way to pick up the pieces. You are helping so many.

It’s our “tough luck” when it happens and the laws don’t protect us or go after them so they are free to go on to the next person.

Their names should be on a national registry somehow so people can be warned but Lovefraud is a great start to get the word out. They have been successful for years banking on us not airing our dirty laundry and that must stop. My psycho even used the threat “you will be publicly humiliatied” and this was if I followed through with my very legitimate complaint I filed against his minion who “had” a psychology license. I let the psycho know he had already made me immune to public humiliation. He was actually speechless for a moment. They are predators.

Good job Donna! Thank you!

Donna, You did AWESOME!
I finally got to watch it. Kudos!
Thank you so much for EVERYTHING you’ve done.

Argh!
I’m watching more of the lifetime movies.
I remember the Christine Carter news story in 2009 right after my own hell. It was big news in Seattle.

When I looked at his face, I knew. It had that look. He looked gay.

But my exspath didn’t have that look.

Edit: still watching and I sooooo want to kick that guy in the teeth.
maybe God will grant me that.
BTW, spath met Monique Min Lavin and he hated her. Lol!

Donna,

Thank you for sharing your story, your hope and your knowledge. I saw your joy and your devastation. Your perseverance and courage has guided the victims an avenue for healing. I am sorry that you and all of us had to endure a reality of what we think is only “in a movie”.

I would love to expose the psychopath and have some type of justice. I would love to clear my name. I would like this more than to recover $30,000 plus cash he conned me out of. Thinking also, that he had my welfare at heart and was going to invest the money as he was a “Day Trader” and he also did international currency exchange, which I didn’t understand but trusted him. That is where it all was, in the trust he so perfectly manipulated out of me. I was constantly made to prove my love and loyalty to him and bare my soul in desperation to save him from the shallow women he had dealt with prior…Your friend in the LifeTime movie said that she feels the heart does not have a brain, the heart only feels. … I always knew the truth deep down but instead of trusting myself, the spell over me, of proving that I was trustworthy had a far lead. My trust was abused and I know he is doing this to so many others, each one believing they are the special one.
I hope that you can create a team for revenge…of course I am fantasizing….even if he was exposed, it would never change who he is…a disordered individual…

I am so happy that you found real love…and may I add, a far more attractive one as well;)….God Bless you Donna!

Would like to be able to view this. I’m in Canada and the video won’t play for me, either here or on the actual lifetime site. Can you find out if it will be on TV again and when or do they have some other way for those of us who don’t live in the U.S.A. to view?

The video is not playing for me. I’m in Georgia, USA, and can’t watch it on LIfetime or here on the site either. Is it still available?

It won’t play for me.

Yes, I had problems viewing it yesterday as well. But I’m happy to say that I found the show on Video on Demand and it plays great! Excellent program. I could feel your pain. I’m so sorry Donna! It truly was a horrific story. Glad to see you are happily married now to Terry.

I am in West Canada and cannot get Lifetime…I’ll try video on demand.

Donna, you are such a wonderful spokeswoman and advocate for this issue! Couldn’t have recovered without this website. Thank you for everything you have done! x 1,000.

Donna, thank you SO much for posting the link – I watched the whole eisode and was floored. I was VERY unhappy that you weren’t given enough time to actually talk about “everything” that you experienced, but it was a good segment, to be sure.

Getting the word out about Montgomery is vital – he’s a predator and he needed to be exposed for what he is. I feel that “getting the word out” about ALL predators is vital, and you’ve provided a platform to do this as a result of your horrific experiences.

Thank you so much for all of your hard work, Donna.

Brightest blessings to you

What is the latest news on your ex? I hope he is in prison!!! Your page has literally saved my life now I am just trying to regain my sanity, I lost $12,000.00 !!!

darn i am having trouble getting the link to play, it’s stuck.

Great job. Interesting to see your story on Lifetime, it must have been very satisfying.

I am curious, however, as to why you didn’t mention the word “sociopath”? Did they place restrictions on the content that you could discuss? Honestly, what you really need is your own show on Lifetime called LoveFraud in which you tell people’s stories with a strong emphasis on the sociopathic element. Education is cardinal. And I think Lifetime is a perfect vehicle to get this knowledge injected into the mainstream.

Once again, kudos and thanks for your strength and your diligence.

help…help…I just don’t know what to do…I am utterly exhausted and sick at heart. I have never known such pain. never. ever. oh god help. you guys, most of you, ignore me…but you do not know..you just do not know the horror going on in my world right this very moment. cold. people are so cold. and I have feeling. and i HATE feeling!!!

shhh…I am suppose to be very quiet about what ails me. shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. (sexual abuse but don’t tell and for gods sake please continue to ignore me so that we can pretend this unpleasant interruption never happened).

I don’t post much at all… and I don’t know most peoples story, but I liken what you’ve said to different times in my own life and feelings. I don’t know what to say but I wanted you to know I am here tonight/this morning, and I hear you, you are not alone.

Thank you it’s me…

I cannot sleep.

I cannot stop the wheels.

I’m just having a very tough time.

I know it will pass, it always does…but I worry so much for my granddaughter. It literally has me sick physically.

Speaking up,

I understand the pain, it is TOTAL pain. Stopping the wheels turning in your head, especially at night it seems, sometimes is almost impossible.

You are NOT alone, however. Know that. I wish I could put my arms around you and hold you and let you know that there are people who care and who do understand.

Healing takes time and hard work, and FEELING that pain, not pushing it down.

Keep on reading here….apply those healing words to your own life. We can’t fix the situations always, but we can fix ourselves. We can survive this and prosper.

Keep on reading and posting, posting and reading. God bless. (((hugs))) Joyce

Speaking_Up,

There are a lot of people here and they don’t always post. If you are keeping the secret, it’s a heavy burden to carry. As a grandparent, you may be able to be a support to the child if I am reading between the lines properly. Many children of abuse gain strength from knowing someone believes in them and loves them.

This problem is much greater than many know since there is so much public speak about “tell” someone “as if” someone cares or will help and in fact it can be like dropping a grenade in the lives of the whole family with the child (victim) feeling responsible for the ultimate destruction.

Our society must stop the irresponsibility of false teaching and media shout outs of what we should do when there is really no core resource to provide the help when you do it.

The whole “stop bullying” campaign has some schools doing something but I am finding most are just finding more ways to step aside “as if” it’s not on them. Social networking isn’t “on the school grounds”…..so not our problem. These video beatings that get on youtube are the same thing. So the police are expected to pick up the slack. It’s just a mess.

Domestic violence is another “tell tell” “as if” someone is actually going to be vigilent and help. Most people don’t know it’s after you leave that you are in the most danger. Who’s going to stop that bullet? I was actually told by a couple of services, the orders of protection give them the direction and some proof if they actually take or attempt to take your life.

Lovefraud and other sources of information give an opportunity to hear how others have managed through and what worked and didn’t as they’ve been through multiple issues with cons and fraud. It’s a teaching tool and a real time support group.

Someone is listening and more than you know. Hang in there.

Speaking up,
I agree with Eralyn, if you can’t protect the child, at least you can offer to be there as a person who will listen and believe.

Eralyn, I don’t understand what you meant by : I was actually told by a couple of services, the orders of protection give them the direction and some proof if they actually take or attempt to take your life.

Can you clarify please? I value your insights into the legal process, I just want to be clear that I understand what you said.

Donna, the segment was as good as it could have been in 12 minutes. It’s a dammed shame that they didn’t include “sociopath” in the content. (harumph)

Speaking_up, I’m not exactly sure about your current situation and it may be that I missed a post about it. Sometimes, the threads fly so quickly that I miss important responses and posts by other readers. But, please…..please……avoid suggesting that you’re ignored because you clearly aren’t.

Desperation and fear feeds desperation and fear, Speaking_up, and if managing your current situation has become an insurmountable challenge, I would strongly urge you to engage in strong, solid counseling therapy for yourself. Without counseling therapy and this site, I would have simply eneded my own life in one way, or another.

Engaging in counseling doesn’t mean that we’re crazy, insane, or disordered. When our roof leaks, we call a contractor to repair it. When we have a cavity in our tooth, we have it filled by a dentist. If we break a bone, we have that bone set by a orthopedic doctor. If we are facing monumental emotional challenges, we seek the services of a trained counseling professional.

Recovering from the traumas of a sociopathic entanglement are no easy task, even by the most resolved and strong survivors. The damages wrought are to the Whole Being. Physically, emotionally, financially, etc…..we are brought down low and most of the anxiety and fear-based reactions are beyond our ability to manage. It’s okay that we aren’t equipped to manage this – it really is.

Speaking_up, there are many, many things over which we have no control. The weather. The stock market. And, other people’s actions. But, we DO have control over what we choose to do and whether or not we’ll recover and grow stronger and wiser. Even if the options all stink, with strong counseling, we can be resolved and courageous in our choices and actions.

Most sincere brightest blessings

Edit add: I personally can’t tell you how to manage your current situation. I can only say that I found some intense help and recovery from my counseling AND this site’s readers. Just knowing that I wasn’t “alone” in my recovery was probably the most valuable encouragement possible.

Skylar,

They were telling me to obtain the orders of protection but weren’t enforcing them. When I would call for help or protection I got the runaround of excuses why he had protection and I didn’t. This is when someone usually on the phone would confide that the “order of protection” is just a piece of paper and it won’t stop the bullet that may kill you but it will give the police a direction to go after the fact. Hope that clarifies what I meant. 🙂

Eralyn,
thanks for clarifying. That’s what I thought you meant. There is something to be said for that piece of paper. If the spath cares about his mask, he might be less likely to murder you unless he can find a patsy to throw under the bus and take the rap.

In that case, you must make sure the patsy knows that he is the target. Keep the focus on the spath.

Skylar,

Psycho biohazard of my daughter, went to court I see on 10/31 for an “order of protection” and/or “injunction against harrassment”. It was a hearing for psycho filing against a man who filed against him. The original approved OOP ended up being against psycho and he fought it and lost showing he was a threat to the man. He turned around and filed against the man claiming the man did it to him and when that hearing came up, (10/31) he lost and so his request got quashed. This has kept psycho busy attempting to destroy someone elses life as I see it. He went to great lengths as a disgruntled crazy customer(words the man used against psycho) to disparage this mans reputation in integrity and honor and business. I was a victim of this same fait but he had much more pull in the court to victimize me in this way.

I felt badly for the man that tangled with psycho as I know what a waste of life and life resources it is to be put in this
position. I am hoping psycho is a bit more deflated from this latest failed effort of the harming game. I thank God the man took it all the way so both OOPs went before a judge and there’s documentation of his behavior. This particular psycho is very brazen in his abuse of law. He’s the type that would harm himself and say you did it.

Eralyn ~

“He’s the type that would harm himself and say you did it.” My dear, dear psycho daughter got into some sort of a brawl at a drunken party. Went to the police with all the bruises on her face, black eye and all and told them I attacked her and kidnapped her son. I am 5 ft tall, weigh almost 100 lbs and was 55 years old at the time. I have never even had a parking ticket in my life. They believed HER. After all, SHE had the bruises.

Unreal how similar they all are – there must be a handbook that none of us know about.

Milo,

Did you get out of it? Or did you get prosecuted? They are seriously dangerous. Ruining our credit, our reputation, our honor and integrity is all beneficial to them. If it’s proven they are lying, they should be held accountable. Taking our freedom is fine too. So many don’t understand how badly no contact is important when you know they’re targeting you. It’s so bizarre. He has been diagnosed with BPD and anti-social traits. Has your daughter ever received a diagnosis? Are you still in contact with her?

If there’s not a handbook, we should write one. There are many movies that I have seen again which have completely different meaning to me. Many Lifetime movies! lol

Donna,

You did a great job on that segment!! I wish they would have given your story more time, but I guess they figured the ghoulish body part story was more interesting. I’m so glad I got to see you tell your story. I feel like I know you now. Thanks so much for what you do!

About your ex spath; for a so called bright guy he had a very foolish lack of common sense. Did he know what a safety deposit box was?! Or, didn’t it cross his mind to take the key with him when he left the house?! It surprised me that he trusted you enough to leave that box up in the closet (not very well hidden) and his key in his desk drawer. In my experience my psycho ex was extremely untrusting because he knew how profoundly untrustworthy he himself was, so he trusted no one, even if they gave him no reason to distrust him. He always thought I was having affairs, lying about things, hiding things. He covered his ass so well that after 13 years of marriage he had a well laid out plan for screwing me over in the divorce. He never trusted me.

Anyway, thanks again for doing that show. I’m glad I watched and got to know you more than I would have from just reading here.

Speaking__Up,

I’m sorry about what you and your granddaughter are going through. I’m glad you found this site and hope you find some help here.

Eralyn ~

She has been diagnosed BPD and BiPolar. I think the BiPolar is part of her act. She studies all kinds of things, acts out whatever symptoms she needs at a particular time and gets the diagnosis she is looking for and the meds to go along with it. The BPD diagnosis came from someone she could not totally con, although I think they stopped short, it should be full fledged sociopath.

No, I didn’t get charged, she refused to press charges IF I would turn her son over to her immediately. Her son had spent the night before in the ER, with me. She knew he had to be rushed there with a 105 degree fever, but she could not be bothered to come because she was at a party. The next day, 12 hours later, without even calling to check on him, she showed up, bruised. When I refused to turn a very sick child over to her, that’s when she went to the police. They didn’t even bother to do a sobriety test on her, just believed her, demanded I turn my grandson over immediately or face arrest. They said I was lucky she was so forgiving or I’d have been in jail.

She has visitation rights, you know how that goes, but she has been a little busy for the past 6 months, in and out of jail, 2 prostitution charges, drug charges, probation. So, like you, she has left us alone for awhile. She will be back, she always comes back. She was gone for 5 years, then came back, did all her evil deeds and poof. I understand she rolled over on a big time drug dealer, so maybe she will be the one that needs to hide – I can only hope.

Lovinglem,

Regarding the lock box and the key – it’s not stupidity. It’s arrogance. It’s thinking that they’re so clever that they can hide things in plain sight and nobody would be the wiser.

I think they do things like that deliberately because they get off on the secret thrill of knowing it’s there, so easy to access, and the trusting people in the area are too stupid to realize it.

In their minds, we’re the stupid people, not them.

Bingo. I think Donna is right. He wanted her to find it. For him to be running his schemes, he was not that dumb to leave it out if he didn’t want it to be found. They don’t want to be the bad guy (as someone said earlier) so he wanted Donna to be the one to leave.

Donna,
Ironic you say that about the box.
My former Spath husband use to tell me…..right from the start…..I will NEVER break up with you, I will never leave you. I will make you hate me enough so that you leave me.
I always thought those were weird words. And at 13-14 years old, it cemented in me a challenge….you could never do anything bad enough to make me leave!
Until……he hurt our kids!!!!

Good job Donna on the LT show. You are making headways and I believe people ARE listening!!!

Milo,

I am so glad you live in reality. It will really help your grandchild to have a grounded person who loves them.

Spaths even exploit mental illness like you say!!! My psycho abuses the bible and all the good it is meant for they can and will exploit it.

How is your grandchild handling it? Do you believe anything could change your daughter? I don’t. I just don’t believe people grow a conscience.

Children need to learn flexibility but I was taught to excuse EVERYTHING and look where that got me. I no longer have tollerence for that.

I hope for both of us Milo, that we are in a time of peace and if our spaths have made a bed which makes them live in hiding, GOOD!

Donna,

Are there different versions of your story airing? I thought I saw a more detailed version which showed you with spath for a bit and then finding the box but last night I saw a rerun that seemed like a shorter clip.

Donna,

Makes sense. I figured you must have said something. Strange that they edited it out. But any step in the right direction is a good step.

Donna,

I guess I get it about him wanting you to find the box so you’d leave him, but it got him into so much trouble. It would have been wiser for him to just be a first class jerk so you’d leave him without ever knowing what he’d done. I guess he thought you were too stupid to go after him and he’d get away with it.

Okay…oh my. I am surprised (I sneaked in and left a post and am surprised…I am always surprised, when it appears someone cares. Okay, not your issue…MINE. I get it.

Ox and Truth and so many others know my horror. But this horror I am experiencing, will not end. Imagine being in a cage, with no control, and someone comes along and pokes you with a stick – over and over again. You can’t stop the abuse. You are dealing with it. And then. (drum roll) the same abusive type people; or people who hate you for talking about sex out loud (SOL) attack your last loved one on this earth.

Oh yea. They are not supporting said child, they are telling the world, and anyone who will listen, that as long as she gets good grades and wins the horse competions…she is a good girl and does not need counselling.

DID YOU SEE MY MEMO? Did I not make it clear when I found the C.D.s of my granddaugher she was horrifically and gut wrenchently sexually molested over and over and over and over again!!!

WHAT PART OF THAT DOES NOT SCREAM GET THAT GIRL HELP – NOW!

But no.
No, and pls don’t say the words sexual abuse because just upsets everyone. Kaitlyn is doing fine, in spite of your horrible choice in men and complete lack of judgment, – not to mention YOUR OWN FUCKING MOTHER HATED YOUR GUTS AND NOW WE ALL KNOW WHY!

You know?

I am sorry I am just beside myself with grief!!! Pls forgive my outbursts. Yes, I do have PTSD…and sometimes I say things inappropriately…I don’t mean to. I want to belong. I am just feeling so not worthy of anything at all.

I actually feel quite insane. yes i do.

Speaking Up:

I am so sorry that you are going through this, it is very scarey to go through these fears and emotions.
I suffer PTSD bad, panic disorder, victim’s rage and a number of things it seems.
I found these two ‘exercises’ to help me the most with the anxiety/panic recently.
The first one really helped the immediate panic and outbursts.
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2008/02/27/q-can-writing-improve-your-health/
The next one is bringing me back to sanity and reenforcing strength against the panic and outbursts. It’s helping me to get/be focused so I have begun to function more productively for me and my children. I think that I am actually dealing with the pain and confusion, the triggers, the fear…rather than stuffing it away or running away from it.
http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2012/10/30/leaving-the-sociopath-gathering-strength-and-losing-fear/

I’m sorry that I don’t know what to say that will help you with the things going on with your granddaughter, I am afraid of the details and what all is going on there. Please know that you and your granddaughter are in my prayers.

Speaking_up, I am so sorry you’re in this space, right now. I identify with the PSTD and anxiety, I really do.

Perhaps, it’s time to seek counseling therapy? You’re NOT insane, Speaking_up. You’ve been traumatized and you are facing a situation over which you have no control. We are NOT EQUIPPED to manage this, alone. We’re not equipped. We do not have the tools in our emotional boxes to fix this, alone. We don’t.

There are a number of ways to find a counselor that “gets it,” and a number of pro-active steps that you can take, right now, to get a handle on this, even if it’s temporary.

First, accept what you have control over, and what you don’t. You do not have control over anything else under the blazing sun and raining clouds except YOURSELF. That’s it. You cannot force others to believe you if they choose not to. You cannot force anyone to protect anyone else. You cannot do anything other than alter your own self. Period.

Next, breathe. Recognize this fact: fear fuels fear. It becomes an endless cycle that is more self-sustaining than any other human reaction. Fear is a very powerful reaction and it is always very hungry for more fuel. Knowing that fear associated with PSTD is a REACTION is powerful, in itself.

Next, stop predicting. You do not have a crystal ball. Nobody does. Some outcomes are “likely,” while others are simply “possible.” Attempts at predicting are attempts at controlling outcomes and it’s simply not possible for us to control any outcome, regardless of how “likely” it might be to us.

Finally, get into “the now.” When this dark, dark panic begins to drape itself around your head and shoulders, throw it off by speaking OUT LOUD that your hands are touching the counter and that the counter feels smooth and cool. Look at your hands touching the counter (or, wherever they are), and say it out loud. Then, move your hands across the counter and tell your self what your fingers are feeling. Is there texture? Is it like glass? Feel the direction of any air movement and identify the direction, out loud, “There is a chilly breeze seeping in through the window, and it’s touching the right side of my face.” Smell the air and define the aromas that you’re experiencing OUT LOUD, “I can smell the garbage can that’s getting full. The smell is sour and unpleasant.” NOTE: the observations don’t have to be “positive” or “negative.” They are simply observations without emotional context. Then, look to your right and say what you are seeing with your eyes, out loud. “I am looking at the blue wall with the painting of the tall ship. The painting has cool colors and the frame is metallic.” KEEP DOING THIS until you are finally refocused on “right now.”

These are my suggestions for you, right now. In the long term, I would strongly, strongly urge you to seek counseling to help you manage this. You’re not broken, Speaking_up, so drop the stigma and do this to heal yourself and recover, at last. You don’t have any control over anyone else’s actions, choices, or decisions. But, you can choose whether to put an end to this, or not.

Brightest and most supportive blessings

Speaking up,

When truty says “First, accept what you have control over, and what you don’t. You do not have control over anything else under the blazing sun and raining clouds except YOURSELF. That’s it. You cannot force others to believe you if they choose not to. You cannot force anyone to protect anyone else. You cannot do anything other than alter your own self. Period.”

She is 100% SPOT ON.

This is something that we ALL had to accept. We do NOT control what we can’t control.

I agree 100% with you that the child should have counseling. She needs it to help her cope, however, that is NOT IN YOUR CONTROL.

We get caught up in the FOG: FEAR, OBLIGATION AND GUILT, and I imagine that you must feel some guilt for having brought this man into her life in the first place, but you did NOT KNOW what would result. YOU ARE NOT AT FAULT. The Fear and obligation that you must also feel…fear that she will not be able to cope without therapy and the obligation you feel because you love her…alll are natural feelings. However, they are ones we MUST NOT, CAN NOT allow to rule over us. We must come out of the FOG and take control over what we CAN control, ourselves.

I sat in an RV in hiding because NO ONE except my adopted son and 2-3 friends believed me or cared that my son was trying to kill me. I wept for months on end, I WAS crazy as bat guano.

It took me months of hard work and therapy for myself to finally come out of the FOG enough to start the road to healing.

There are lots and lots of articles here oon LF that you can apply to yourself, and lots of support here as well. There are people here who do understand and more importantly CARE. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Finding LF was a turning point for me. I realized Ii was NOT alone. I was not the only smart, capable woman in the world who had been scammed or who had had horrible consequenses due to some of my own choices.

I too was sexually abused by my own P sperm donor…and I needed counseling then when I was 19 and he raped me. I did not get it. My egg donor didn’t believe me and I didn’t tell anyone else for decades. But I survived and your granddaughter can too. So don’t give up and think she is a lost cause without therapy NOW…if she is making good grades she is COPING to some extent, so she may be stronger than you give her credit for.

Counseling for her right now is OUT OF YOUR CONTROL, so beating yourself up over that is COUNTER PRODUCTIVE to your healing and she is going to NEED YOU IN THE FUTURE. Need you healthy, so right now, I suggest that you WORK HARD on what you can control and get yourself back into a healthy state. You CAN DO IT! (((hugs)))) and my prayers for your healing. God bless.

Speaking_Up,

I can’t imagine the weight you carry knowing what you know and having seen the horrible act! Especially if you have had similar experience in your own life! It isn’t your fault. Anymore than you could have made it stop, you couldn’t make it start. You now must center yourself and believe what your granddaughter is doing right now may be helping her for now. I didn’t really work on my past until I was an adult. Being around animals especially horses for me is very therapeutic. Structure and routine can be very helpful too. Winning can add to her self worth and self confidence and those ‘feel good’ feelings that can help her have a winning future. It may be just the foundation to needs to take off with recovery in her adult life.

OxD is giving you the straight scoop. You can only control yourself and your worries are not going to change that.

Be kind to yourself and get off your own case as you would never have intentionally put your granddaughter in that situation. She can become exceptional.

There’s a girl on Safe Kids International who is fairly famous and she did a youtube message to her father as an adult. The heading says something to the affect of abuse victims grow up and can tell and this girl proceeds to rip her dad for following her youtube account after molesting her since age 4 and how her life is great but she tells him off and shows him all her pink guns! She is very brave and I enjoy seeing her “happy” you tube stuff but puts it all out there to her father. It’s very empowering. She’s got a wonderful fiance and life!

Hang in there!!!

Speaking_up, I think that you’re struggling with guilt which is overriding anything that you could be doing to recover from your experiences.

When I attacked the exspath in a violent meltdown, I felt SO guilty for my actions – I felt as if I had committed the worst crime imaginable, and I was unable to function for a long, long time because of this crippling feeling.

Guilt is a very sneaky feeling. We don’t say, “guilt,” because uttering that word would become a personal definition. “I am guilty of ____” Well, it’s simply not true. Being “guilty” of something means that one had an intention of doing something that they knew was wrong before they did it. FEELING “guilty” is an ingrained, pre-programmed, and brainwashed state of mind that was formed for us, early on.

For whatever reason (and, I don’t know what it is), entertaining guilt for the actions of another person’s choices somehow absolves THEM of THEIR wrongdoings. If I take up THEIR crosses, then they are absolved of their sins and will fit into my flawed system of beliefs that “everyone is good” and “everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt” and reinforces that FLAWED shame-core that I am somehow responsible for the well-being of everyone on the planet.

This is why I strongly suggest counseling therapy, Speaking_up. This guilt that you’re carrying for the actions of another person has become a false comfort that envelopes us with what is familiar. We accept the guilt because we know how it will make us feel. It’s like wrapping up in a really warm woolen blanket – it keeps us warm but it itches us like crazy, and we hate it, but we “need” it because we don’t have another blanket to keep us warm. We have become “comfortable” in how that guilt will make us feel.

I don’t have the tools, knowledge, or training to help anyone relieve themselves of guilt – only a trained professional counseling therapist has access to those tools. We weren’t born equipped to manage something as voracious and all-consuming as shame-core and guilt on our own.

I completely identify with this guilt, Speaking_up. The most important step that you could ever take to help your granddaughter is for you to sort your own issues out so that, when the day comes (IF it comes), you will be recovered enough and far enough on your personal Healing Path to take your grandaughter’s elbow and walk beside her as she steps onto her own Healing Path. Until you’re well into recovery, it would be like the blind leading the blind on a very rutted and bumpy road.

My most sincere supportive blessings to you

Donna,
You were great. This was so well done and professional. I would love to see more of this kind of thing getting to get the information out but no one ever thinks it could happen to them. They do not even believe it happened to us most of the time. Mine was so subtle and hidden but pervasive and perpetual since we have children. He will be the death of me. I must tolerate him or give up my grandchildren. No way out. I am so glad you got out.

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