By | October 31, 2010 14 Comments

For Halloween: A real monster who liked to dress up

Russell Williams, used to be a pilot and commander in the Canadian military—until he was convicted of two murders, sexual assaults, and breaking into the bedrooms of women and girls to steal their underwear. He took photos of himself modeling the underwear—and stored them on his computer.

Read Colonel led secret life as a sexual predator in

Williams will probably spend the rest of his life in jail. A good article in the Vancouver Sun discusses his sexual predation. Most of the experts don’t think he will ever change.

Read Can a monster be healed? on

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Ox Drover

My computer internet connection is flaky today so couldn’t read this article today, but I’ve read quite a bit about this monster in the past. “Monster” is a proper term for him I think.

This man’s “mask,” at least the public one, was pretty doggone good I think, but I wonder what his Wife has to say about him. I wonder if SHE saw the signs that “something was off” with this man. Was he a control freak? I don’t think any psychopath is good enough to keep a “mask” up 24/7 with everyone 365 days a year. I think they let it “slip” enough from time to time that those around them, their family, their co-workers, those “nearest and dearest” can see SOMETHING is amiss–maybe not finger it as “psychopath” or even killer or rapist, but just “off” in some way.

“PROBABLY Spend the rest of his life in jail.”–why would ANYONE think that anyone like this deserves even ONE day outside a prison cell?

I don’t have much good to say about the laws in Saudi but the “cut the hand off the thief” is, as far as I am concerned, a law with enough “teeth” in it to STOP people even MOST psychopaths before they offend. The law is ENFORCED and the consequences of being caught are not only loss of the hand, but because of the customs of using left hand for bathroom and right hand for eating, it cuts them off from communal meals as well as brands them a thief in public.

I’m not sure why our society and western culture has this thing about “everyone is redeemable” and deserves “a second chance.” It is as obvious to me as the nose on my face that there are people who are NOT redeemable, who do not deserve a life, much less a second chance at a free life on the outside.

People who are a danger to others, regardless of the reason, whether it is Axis II (personality disorders) or mental illness, drug addiction, or whatever the cause, should not be allowed to harm others. If that means a “hospital” environment or a “prison” environment, so be it.

I also think the legal system (judges, cops, and lawyers) should be educated that “personality disorder” is not the same as “can’t help themselves” (crazy) and that they DO know right from wrong and CAN make choices if they WANT to.


Dear Ox.
I was wondering when we would discuss this particular monster. Russell Williams is so mentally twisted that he is the devil incarnate.
It would be very very interesting to know what the wife had felt or seen, and if the flags at some point were visible. Of course we all know deep down that we KNOW that the “MO” of these monsters are somewhat the same. I have kept tabs on this individual just because when I seen him on TV and he was sitting there, arms crossed, just staring….he reminded me of my EX spath while he was sitting in court with me. Cold in the stare, like nothing really bothers him, cold, vampire cold. So as a result, I have kept up in the news about him. What a charmer he was, charmed people who were very intelligent…in charge of our country in one way or another. Cannot help but make myself feel good in saying “Gosh, if a General in our Canadian Forces could not tell he was a monster, how could I ? I am sure the Generals and other politicians are no slouches either. How sad that these monsters have everyone dupped, but once in awhile, these monsters are discovered and then maybe some people will realize how many monsters are out there. Its so unfortunate that people need to die for anyone to wake up.
My ex spath knew exactly what he was doing all along, he knew right from wrong,
Before marrying my ex spath, I never knew what “cold” people were all about, and was totally unaware how families can be destroyed by a spath. My father and mother are two of the most loving people you will ever know. My father is 90 and my mother 88, they are immigrants from Europe and brought my 2 siblings and I to believe that love conquers all, and through thick and thin, families stick together, and kids are the most important responsiblity one will ever have in life, and you owe them a living while they are young. To love your husband and family are the family values I was brought up with. When my spath married me he knew how much I loved my family and he picked up on this. He treated my father and mother with the utmost respect, I marvelled at it. How could I be so lucky ? My father respected him immensly, my ex knew that through my family he could manipulate me. If there was a red flag….he immediatly did something nice for my elderly parents which would diffuse anything..Then my children he used them as leverage. He manipulated me through my loved ones. My father has seen war, some real horrible stores about people he has met in his liftime….he is not a scholar but one of the smartest and kind men I know. He describes my ex in two simple words “black heart”. This means that he cannot “love”. He is cold, without rimorse and compassion. Like I said we can call it many different personality disorders and their medical names….I think “black heart” describes it all. My father has seen a few people in his life as “black heart”, and he describes them as “knowing what they are doing” and still doing it. These people according to him are not curable and are born like this. My father tells me that I am fortunate that I have come of my relationship alive and well, and with my children. God has given me a second chance and I should take it. One cannot put a dollar value on love. My ex spath was almost going to do me in while living with me…..he had a plan and did no succeed. He had a plan in trying to take my kids away from me …making me out to be crazy. He underestimated the love my family has for one another and the love in which my kids grew up in. My father babysat my kids while I worked and my ex worked, my father instilled very solid family values in my kids, and my kids dote on my father, I guess it was meant to be, my fahter is the father my kids will never have. I am very fortuante to have have him still around me…my father was very sick last year almost died, but he kept on saying “Not ready yet, I need to see my daughter (me), finally free of the “black heart”. He made it through, and is back and well, at 90 it is quite a miracle. Again, God has been good to me.
I was married 20 years, and I thought they were good years till the mask dropped, it was hell after that.
So what I am saying is the “black heart” people cannot thrive too long and when they are discovered they are done. Like Russell Williams. Goodness always wins over evil. I firmly believe in that. But never underestimate their potential, always be prepared, but its like waving the cross in front of the vampire, they will cringe when they see love, that is our weapon, do not succumb to total hatred, they will thrive.
Take care all.

Ox Drover

Dear Suvivorlady,

The Bible calls them people with a “reprobate heart” and your father’s description of a “black heart”, i.e. EVIL HEART is so right on. I am glad that you have this wonderful loving support. Even when your father is gone from this earth, his GOOD HEART, his SHINING HEART will live on in you and your children. That is HIS LEGACY.

Your S’s heart will continue to be BLACK and EVIL and he will leave only that for his legacy. I am glad that you have escaped alive to tell the tale! (((Hugs)))) and God continue to bless you.


I describe them as no heart. And I absolutely agree the court system needs to be brought up to date on this type of personality disorder so they start taking these people seriously.

My judge still thinks my psycho is just a bitter exhusband with an anger problem.

Used Brauer

I wonder how many people Russell Williams killed that no one knows about. I don’t think a monster like that ‘just snapped’ this late in his life. Is it because we all have spath experience or “training” (if you will) now or does it seem like these nut cases are crawling out of the woodwork? I have no idea if his wife knew exactly what she had married but you can imagine what her life must have been like. Not many of us knew what a spath was when we married ours.

You know, I really appreciate the fact that I have compadres on this site who can share similar experiences but honestly, I don’t think I’ll ever trust another man enough to marry him. I have healed a lot over the past 3 years but every time I read a story about someone like Russell Williams I have a mini setback.

Ox Drover

Dear Brauer,

Hey, glad to see you back!!!! I can relate to the “not trusting” part, but for me it isn’t that I don’t trust others so much as I don’t know if I trust myself to pick right. Or as Henry says, “trust my PICKER.” I do know I am CAUTIOUS with new people in my life, and I do set HIGHER STANDARDS for behavior from people who are already in my life, and do not tolerate ANY dishonesty or just meanness.

It would not surprise me if Russell Williams had indeed killed some one. I do think though that we are more “attuned” to pick up on reports in the news about psychopathic type people.

Sort of like, for example, that if you buy a certain breed of dog, it seems like after that if you look around you see them EVERYWHERE when you didn’t notice them before you got your dog. I think because we are AWARE we start to notice the signs in the news articles and say to ourselves “boy, that guy/gal sounds like a psychopath” where before maybe we wouldn’t have paid any attention to it except as a story of a bad guy/gal.

I know one thing about “trust” I would not marry anyone and mingle finances or give anyone else control over my finances.

If I had a daughter or son about to be married I would encourage her/him to keep a separate fund of money in order to “get away” if they needed to. No one should be irrevocably financially tied to another person. Is that lack of trust? I guess so but also it is caution, and I think a reasonable caution for me at least.

Twice Betrayed

“If I had a daughter or son about to be married I would encourage her/him to keep a separate fund of money in order to “get away” if they needed to.”

Ox: I totally agree! Family units, values etc have broken down in our society so heavily, this is a good precautionary move.

Ox Drover

Well, first off, I don’t encourage ANYone to spend the last dime they have unless it is for food or basic tin roof to keep off the rain shelter, and to SAVE. I guess that is my Scots-Irish raising and my grandparents’ “depression era mentality”—back when I was so poor I wondered where my rent would come from each week and had a kid on each hip and was going to college full time with a heavy science load, and cleaning houses between classes and working the 11-7 shift at a stop and rob (I could study on duty) and bartered out the night time child minding with another single friend, I kept a journal and literally wrote down EVERY PENNY I spent or took in. At the end of four years of college, I had saved about $10,000 CASH (I took out student loans I really didn’t need, but the ingterest was so low I could put them into a savings account and MAKE A FEW BUCKS INTEREST ON THEM, and they were for emergency spending, and then when I graduated, I paid them off immediately, therefore there was almost NO interest to pay out, and I still had an emergency fund left. The money I had borrowed from egg donor for the kids’ private school tuition, I PAID BACK IN FULL, with 10% intrerest (the maxium interest allowed by our state on loans at that time) and still had an emergency fund.

I raised a garden in my back yard in my rented house, preserved the food, and we lived actually quite well considering we never took any food stamps or other help, only child support which wasn’t much, and he went back to court (without me even being aware of it) and got it cut in half when I graduated. I kept my grades up so got scholarships for most of tuition, and a pell grant to pay the rest, and bartered with other single parents for mechanics work on my car, and baby sitting so there was no cost there and made do.

At the time of my divorce I was a single mother withh a professional working husband, he got all our assets out of the state in which we lived—I thought WE were moving out of state, turned out ONLY HE WAS MOVING and I found out about the divorce when I went there to sign the papers for our new house and the REAL ESTATE AGENT LOOKED AT ME FUNNY AND SAID “Honey, don’t you know he is divorcing you?”

I was left with at that moment: 2 kids, 1 cat, a 10 year old pick up truck, 2 changes of clothes for each of the 3 of us, 10 bucks in my pocket and NOTHING ELSE. This was back in the 80s where a man could do anything and a woman had little control over finances she did not EARN directly herself, even then half of it was HIS.

II managed to get $250 cash advance from three banks in a large city near where HE was (I wasn’t sure where he was living but I knew where he worked but was a gated, secured facility and he wouldn’t take my calls) on a credit card I had (back in those days there weren’t instant communication between backs and credit card cos so I had $750 to my name and NO HOME, NO POSSESSIONS, ETC. I had to go back to Arkansas and crawl in a friend’s window at 2 a.m. and tell her what was going on. She took care of my kids til I could get an attorney, and I had to file a CIVIL suit against him for my clothes, my kids’ dog, etc.

My “half” of our assets was valued at $400 for $40,000 worth…but I did get back my and the kid’s clothes, A DOG (not ours but the same breed, but I didn’t tell the kids and they didn’t realize it wasn’t the same pup and I didn’t enlighten them). Oh, and I also got PTSD. I didn’t realize that was what I had, but I can look back now and see what it was. That was in early May and I rerolled in our local college that August, found a place to rent for me and the boys near the college, bartered for enough furnishings to keep our butts off the floor, started a house cleaning service, applied for grants, loans etc. and went back to college to complete my degree in nursing.

It was a rough time financially, but I managed to accomplish it. I also got my kids and myself into counseling for sliding scale payments…made friends and kept almost a straight A grade point average.

But that was the thing right there that made me know that no matter how “secure” you think you are you have to some way some how, keep something back for emergency and if you work hard enough at it anyone under any circumstances can do it.

My kids and I lived in a camper shell on the back of my truck that summer in State parks until I could get the ducks in a row for going back to school, find a place I could afford and all that.

My kids didn’t know stores sold clothing until I got out of school, they thought you bought them in some one else’s front yard! But they had everything they needed and most kids in the neighborhood envied them because with in a year they had lots of things other kids wanted and didn’t have—a pony, a pet crow, and plenty of places to roam and romp in the woods and be a boy. The o ne thing I told them we couldn’t “afford” was a broken TV that we didn’t fix even though it sat in my front room for those years…because I wanted them to read and play not sit like zombies in front of the idiot box. None of my kids to this day watch much TV and neither do I. I’ve watched more in the last year or so than in the last 15. 20/20, DAteline, and 48 hour mystery about psychopaths! Even Oprah once in a while.

Since those days I have always watched what I spent and for what, and my son D is the same way I am. No debt thank goodness or I couldn’t make it on my retirement income, but by living frugally and watching the PENNIES I keep track of the dollars. It’s good sense I think. There are really lots of ways to cut out spending if you look at it as a YEARLY EXPENSE.

Even a soda pop per day can cost you $365 per year, or a pack of smokes a day at $5 per pack is $1825, or lunch out each day vs taking your own can be another $1000 a year easily, so if you cut out the PENNIES you can save, it amounts up to a reasonable “raise” in your “income” by saving the outgo.

About the ONLY thing we “splurge” on is internet access and 2 cell phones and those will be the last two things I let go if I have to cut down on expenses more.

I figured up the other day though just for kicks that though our income is technically below the official poverty line for a 2-person household, it would take about $75,000 per year in salary to equal the QUALITY of life that we enjoy because of my squeeky tight spending!

Twice Betrayed

Ox: I could never tip my hat to you enough!

Dependent personalities? Us? After all, we’ve been thru?! I will NOT listen to anyone tell me I am a dependent personality! My older daughter has slammed that label on me for years…..and I still refuse it. And I will NOT listen to any counselor that starts with that foot……

Ox Drover

WHO is telling you that YOU are a “dependent” personality disorder?

Sounds to me that your daughter is more “dependent” foisting her daughter off on someone else (you or your son) while she takes off.

Back when egg donor was “offering” to give me money “if you need it” I didn’t need it, but IF I HAD I would NEVER have taken a dime from her because it wasn’t a “gift” but a DOWN PAYMENT ON CONTROL and I knew it. Pithed her off too, and she did get it, she said “You wouldn’t take it if you did need it would you?” and I said “No, mam, I wouldn’t.”

Back when I DID need help she never offered me a freaking dime, when she KNEW I NEEDED IT after my divorce. When I did ask for a loan from her for the kids private school tuition, I paid her back WITH INTEREST. She said “Oh, you don’t have to pay it back” and I said “NO, I DO have to pay it back, and by the way, I calculated the interest at !0%, here’s a check.”

She has never been beaten out of a dime by me but yet she told her attorney and everyone who would listen that I was trying to take all her money from her. LOL She even accused me of that to my face, then later admitted she had “only said that to hurt you” because she KNEW I knew the truth….but what she didn’t realize was the FACT THAT SHE WOULD TRY TO HURT ME, let me know that her intentions were not good. What mother that loved her child would DELIBERATELY SAY SOMETHING TO HURT HER CHILD, EVEN AN ADULT CHILD? That was when she became the “egg donor!” NOT my mother. Mothers do not try to hurt their children, mothers nurture their children and are friends to their adult children. Egg donors just contribute the DNA without the nurturing.

I also realized when she canceled my power of attorney that I am NO LONGER RESPONSIBLE for taking care of her. In fact, I dont’ have the legal authority to take care of her, so no authority=no responsibility. No responsibility=no guilty about not taking care of her if and when the time comes, she can hire someone, or her POA can hire someone if he doesn’t want to do it. She has enough money to hire a paid care giver but she’s had all the FREE care she will get from me, and I’m not interested in a PAID job either. Either of my sons C or D would have also been her unpaid caregivers too, until she lied to them and devalued and discarded them in exchange for my P son. So, she’s sort of SOL about people caring about her now and she can use all the money that “we were trying to take from her” to hire caregivers.

Twice Betrayed

Oh, when I first started trying to figure out what was going on regarding my PX and seeking counseling, I had several counselors and people start off with the ‘dependent personality’ routine, even before I sat down good. I walked, because I knew it was not so and whatever was wrong was not going to be continually blamed on me. That’s what led me on the journey of knowledge and understanding to where I am now. Women Who Love Psychopaths REALLY opened the door for me!

Not my younger daughter that says that, it’s my older one. The one that would not give me a pound of hamburger meat, unless I EARNED it. She doesn’t have any children. Cruel to my younger daughter. Talking about a drama queen! When she goes to a family gathering or anything of the sort, she immediately starts scheming how she can create drama. She sets scenes up and plays them out. I figured this out only this last year. I keep my contact with her very limited for this very reason.

Twice Betrayed

Ox: I understand what you are saying on your mom. No, mothers don’t hurt their children! Something very unnatural about that! *shudder! And they do finally get themselves down to nobody but paid people. That’s basically where my first PX is headed. His heart is blown out now, from all the years of partying. His lone brother is the only one basically left that cares and he has had a stroke. Wonder who will care for this old boy when he goes…..? Then the old tight wad that never paid any child support to me, will be forced to open that rusty wallet and pay to stay alive and get his butt wiped! ;p


Dear Ox,
My hats off to you, you are quite a resiliant women, such challenges and yet you kept on going. I actually do not think I could have done what you have done under such circumstances. I do however truly believe that we must always keep cash in reserve, its so important.
When I look back at my situation, before I married the spath, quite financially secure and a job which paid decent. Had just purchased my own own house, and then met the spath, was just about to move in, but he moved in instead because he did not have a place to stay, I did not move in with him because my parents did not approve. We all felt sorry for him, he was such a nice guy, very unfortunate in life, just divorced, bankrupt, what a sob story, and we fell for it. Well, instead of moving out, he married me, he was so in love with me… we moved in to my home, which i co-owned with two other investors. He lived the good life, my furniture, my household stuff, which my mother gave to me because I was moving out….the marriage was such a sudden thing. Anyway, I always kept my finances seperate, never did we have anythign together, he tried a few times, but I felt very insecure, my spidey sense was telling me not to combine anything. All the bills were under my name (maiden name, seeing that it was meant for me to move in before I met him) and I never changed anything. Everything was seperate, like that until he left. So it was not that hard, fortunatly I did not have to change anything over, even my credit cards were my own. He did not have any took him over 5 years to establish credit after his bankruptcy. I guess thats why he hung around, to get reestablished. So now that he is gone, financially I can take care of myself, always did, but thank goodness that I kept everything seperate, I had cash for my kids to feed them. I need to haul his butt in court for child support ( but he professed to love them, would do anythign for those kids ! ) but no support. Go figure. So now we are currently battling the house in court, he wants half, however its a bit complicated seeing that he cannot get his hands on it. Not likely that the other investors will let him walk away with a part that is not even his. Maybe half of my part which is very minimal after all is said and done. He is so upset that his anger has been manifested in various ways, scary actually. Anyway, the point of this is to let ladies know that hey must always keep things a bit seperate, just in case he bangs his head on the sidewalk and does not know who you are or better yet….you marry a spath. Take care of yourselves, never underestimate life and the turn of events. Love is great but you cannot buy groceries with love in your heart. Hugs to all.

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