Reply To: I got dumped and went NC and now I want him back?????



Hi needreallove – please don’t be hard on yourself for any of this.

As horrid as it is to think it, this man does not care for you. It’s possible he doesn’t care for anyone. Maybe you will never know for sure. Whether he is a sociopath or not the more important thing to focus on is you and how you can build yourself up again and find meaning and joy in your life and remember that you are worthy of love.

Don’t beat yourself up for breaking NC. Sometimes that happens. Wow, I’ve done that so many times too and it’s horrendous. You’re just in pain and struggling to make sense of it, like any feeling human being. You crave the connection back – that’s so natural to want. Even a connection you know is toxic to you. I’ve been there a few times too and am sort of there again at the moment. I feel for you.

Things I’ve learned that help me: always speak to yourself like a loving big sister – no abusive inner critical voices, don’t beat yourself up for tripping up – just reassure yourself that you can only do your best in the moment and maybe the next time you can do things better, remember you are not alone in having this happen to you, connect with trusted friends – as many people you trust as you can find who will listen to you and support you, try to push yourself to do things you know are good for you (meeting friends, taking some exercise, hobbies or interests etc) – stuff that makes you happy, and when your head really starts spinning – try to stand still and breathe deeply and give yourself space to realise that this pain cannot destroy you.

This WILL pass. Being in a relationship you describe as marked by ‘adoration/abuse’ is immensely traumatic. Please remember that you’ve experienced 6 years of emotional trauma. You’ve also lost your partner of 25 years which must have been devastating for you and must still give you pain. I can relate to that story too.

Can you find some affordable therapy or counseling to help you through these dark days? It has helped me in my life. If not that then someone in your life you trust who will listen might help take some of the burden off you. You are not alone and you are not crazy or bad.

As much as you might feel like curling up and dying right now, can you try and put on some nice clothes and makeup, do your hair and go out into the world again today? Even if you’re just going to the store. You can take back your life. It’s a long journey and it’s going to hurt and sometimes you’ll feel like it’s all falling apart but try to push on – and let your loved ones and friends know how you’re doing so they can be there for you.

Just little steps and small things that can get you through the day for now. One day you’ll be smiling and realize that you’re happy again and that man will be just a fuzzy memory.

I know he’s in your head right now and you can’t let him go. I promise you he’ll be gone someday. Allow the thoughts about him to rattle around in your head for now and let your feelings process. That will have to happen anyway because it’s part of the grieving process. Like Donna says, distraction really helps. I know this from personal experience. That’s where meeting friends and doing nice things for yourself can help you through this natural part of the pain of separation.

I know this is a forum about sociopaths but if you’re interested in understanding why you’re so hung up on a lover who has rejected you, please check out some TED talks by Helen Fisher about the brain in love. They really helped me to understand why I couldn’t let go of unsuccessful relationships for a long time.

And if your ex-partner is a sociopath – well … despite all those memories of the sweetest times you’ve had with him remember that his brain does not work like yours or mine. Don’t look for any more answers. Accept that he was never who you thought he was. It’s so awful and I’m so sorry for you, but maybe that acceptance essential for you to move on and live a beautiful life after this.

Living well is the best revenge. You will get through this.

Be kind to yourself.

Wishing you love and strength.


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