Reply To: Spiritual sociopath. Am I wronging him? Am I the problem? How do I move on?



Hi needreallove,

I’m so sorry I’ve taken a long time to reply to your heartfelt and lovely response to my post. Thank you for that. After I splurged all those feelings on this forum I felt a bit sick and panicky about things and needed to withdraw from talking about it. I’m not sure why that happened. Anyway, I read your two posts from that time and feel very sad to think of you going through the pain of your experience. I wonder how you’re doing now, hoping that you’re in a better place.

Even with my own less traumatic experience I’ve found it quite difficult to let go of nagging feelings and a residual desire for connection with this individual, despite my better judgment. I just wanted to say to you that things have improved for me and I believe they can for you too. ‘No contact’ is a very unnatural and difficult thing for me, but I persevered and now see that it gave me necessary space to see things more clearly, connect with other people in my life I can trust, build up a more self-sufficient supply of confidence and reflect forgivingly on my own contribution towards what happened. The guy even got in touch with me again – ‘hoovering’ me, I believe. Honestly, I gave in a little. I missed him – maybe I just missed the attention and there’s always this bit of me that doesn’t want to believe that people can be so predatory. But I confided in my sister who also knows him. She set me straight. She even told him to back off. I’d started getting involved in a silly game of responding to his messages thinking to myself that I was just manipulating him back. In reality, I craved the connection and I see that now. One can’t win that game, no matter how strong one feels. I’m grateful I confessed this to my sister, because she called me out on my BS and helped me return to a healthier reality. I now feel in a very good place and though I still think about him a lot I can honestly say I don’t care to see him again and my ‘relationship’ with him, such as it is, is more about me working out how I got into that position in the first place and making peace with the fact that there are people in this world who are dysfunctional and incapable of change. I can forgive him, actually, in the sense of simply letting go of blaming him and with that any hope that he can change. This honestly feels quite good and liberating.

From what you’ve said, I understand you are in quite an isolated situation and that must be very difficult for you at the moment. I guess forums like these can be a supportive community so I hope you’re getting some solace from knowing that there are others like you who are struggling with the fallout of a toxic relationship. I really hope you can connect with people in your life that you can trust to allow you to be a mess, vent your anger and fears and gradually, as you will, move through all this into brighter days where you put yourself first in a healthy way. Please try to focus all of the energy in your pain into one goal: Your safety and happiness. And don’t doubt your worthiness to be loved. Insist on being loved – especially by you.

I really hope you lipsticked up, primped your hair and got out into the world, even if you felt sick in your stomach. ‘Fake it ’til you make it’. And trust that you will make it. I’ve done that faking and I can tell you it does work.

Wishing you happiness and love and hoping you’re feeling better and stronger. This will pass.

P xo

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