Reply To: Broke up with narcissist and started no contact, having a really tough time



Greetings to all and a huge THANK YOU to everyone involved with this important website. Out of unfortunate necessity, I have now self-studied the topic of sociopaths and narcicists for close to five years. Even though we who go through this “process” may eventually intellectually understand what sociopaths and narcissists are – totally self-centered, conscience-free and emotion-free (in the case of sociopaths), totally lacking in empathy (how can they understand feelings they aren’t capable of having?), compulsive liars and gaslighters, etc, it is still so hard for people like us who have actual feelings and consciences not to want to believe these people do as well, and that they will act accordingly. They have love bombed us, made us feel “special” and loved. But the sad reality is that those are our feelings, not theirs. And these people made us have those feelings as part of a totally calculated strategy designed solely to get them what they wanted – power and control over us (sexually, emotionally, financially). We are nothing more than another game to them in an endless lifetime of games. Many of them will even use words like game, target, and conquest to refer to us. We think of people like this existing only as monsters in movies. But they are out there in everyday life, pretending to be like us. I have had my own struggles with the no contact rule precisely because these people are so good at getting in our heads and giving us that smidgen of a reminder of how good they once made us feel. Some of them will work on us off and on for years before they reveal their true selves or, more likely, we will become aware on our own. Others will see a weakness (like the all too familiar recent romantic breakup) and ruthlessly pounce like a panther wearing a pretend loving kitty mask. I have a couple of movies to recommend that may help pull all of us out of our personal attraction for these people so we can see them for who and what they really are. First is The Apartment from the 1960s. Shirley McLain plays a very compelling one of us. Fred McMurray is spot on as the totally uncaring sociopath who drives her to attempt suicide after she discovers (and he admits) that she was one in a long line of flings he had behind his wife’s back. It’s a great movie with an emplowering ending. The second is “Storm of the Century” a Stephen king movie about a true demonic monster posing as a human. The plot is different and the ending sucks. But the bad guy character is exactly what we are dealing with: no feelings:
; no soul; no conscience. “Give me what I want or I will destroy you”. So what do these analogies have to do with this thread? Hopefully they help us re-think who/what kind of beings really are behind the masks we are letting ourselves be fooled by. With the masks off, do you Really EVER want to have contact with these monsters again? Forget the outer faces they project or the fake people they pretended to be who acted like they cared about you. They didn’t and they won’t. Ever. In movies like these, we want our heroines (or heros) to escape. Why would we not want the same for ourselves? Trust me, the first step to successful no contact implementation is seeing the real monster behind the mask – and accepting that as a permanent fact that you cannot change, explain or EVER accept fault for. Now – recall that image and only that image whenever you are tempted to initiate or return contact. Make yourself sick with that reality whenever you think of him (or her). That makes the no contact part of this process much easier to carry forward. I’m sure I will have more to add. But I wanted to offer those initial thoughts on my first post to this website.

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