Reply To: I'm new here and could do with some support/advice or clarification please.



Thank you to Donna and everyone for their replies and help. I am so very grateful to have found this site as I genuinely thought I was going mad.

Unfortunately my Lupus has had a big flare and I have been sick otherwise I would have replied sooner. I also posted about gaslighting and found the answers very helpful.

OK, Not an Idiot (or Heidi) I have reflected upon what you said and I believe that I wanted and needed that amount of love from him because I became seriously unwell. Our relationship for the first 12 months was the typical whirlwind but I was beginning to think about ending it as I was noticing red flags like ideals of gradure, sense of entitlement, lack of responsibility, lies that he played down and whenever I questioned something there was a big over reaction and it was all my fault.

Anyway, when I became seriously ill very quickly I became totally dependent on him. I had no other family around and it was difficult with my friends as they worked shifts and as much as they helped they had their own lives and I was really, really ill. This went on for 18 months and he initially played the hero then the resentment kicked in. In that time I was off sick from work so I lost a lot of self-esteem by not doing the job I loved, I lost self-respect. I couldn’t walk so lost my independence, the meds changed my appearance so my self worth declined. Basically in a matter of a weeks I lost everything that meant I was a strong independent woman. I had my family 2 hours away and him, he moved in. I felt that if I had his love I would get through anything because in all honesty I hated myself, the disease, the situation I was in, my appearance, the weight I’d gained and the meds I was on. Worst of all I could do NOTHING to stop the disease attacking my body. I needed his love because I no longer loved myself.

I guess everyone is a target for a sociopath but when you become totally dependent on them due to a physical problem it must be their dream come true. Looking back now I see how he shunned me when I was having a really bad day, yet I might be ‘rewarded’ with some acknowledgement if I had a better day and my disease wasn’t such a inconvenience.

I start new treatment on Monday, I pray that it works because I really feel that it will be when I gain my health back and independence back that I will truely be able to start my recovery from this sociopath.

Thank you all for your words.

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