Reply To: I have a borderline personality and continue to fall for sociopaths!! Why!



Hi to both of you. I was diagnosed as BPD when I was 26 following many dramatic chaotic relationships where I did many of the same things. I am now 56 and have overcome much of those tendencies. I wanted to share some insights with you from the other side of BPD. First, PTSD can mimic the symptoms of BPD, so it’s important not to get too caught up in the label. I’m still not sure which is more descriptive of me. Don’t let the label define who you are or what you are capable of. Second, there is definitely a way out of this condition if that is, in fact, a true diagnosis. It requires accessing and releasing the rage and pain of abandonment. Sometimes you have to do it over and over until you get to a point of peace, but it gets easier as you go through it. I worked out some of it in some of my early relationships with men who were strong enough to handle it. Some of it I did in therapy and some just on my own, once I realized what I needed to do to get better. They key is to release the feelings in a safe and constructive way. It’s not always easy. There are DBT groups for people diagnosed as BPD to teach them coping skills. DBT is a westernized form of eastern meditation, and I’ve heard it works. I never went to any of these groups, but I did discover meditation in my 20’s and it probably saved my life. I recently read a book called “The Buddha and the Borderline.” It’s a good read, and I highly recommend it – you may find yourself relating to the author who is also BPD. The classic book about BPD is called, “I Hate You – Don’t Leave Me.” I have never read this book. The key is awareness of who you are and what you need. This is true for everyone anyway. Your condition may be a little more challenging than others’ run of the mill neuroses, but it can offer you great gifts. The average person never experiences much pressure to become consciously aware until something happens that forces them to confront pain. The BPD has no choice but to confront all their pain because it is like a pressure, and in doing so, they access great reserves of creativity and compassion. Meditation can help with this if you are willing to take a break from your addictions – cigarettes, alcohol, relationships, etc. and face the pain of abandonment you are experiencing head on in a safe setting, such as in a retreat or with a skilled and knowledgeable therapist. You can also heal within a good relationship. If you find yourself in a relationship with one of these “good” guys, try as much as you can to warn him before you go off on him that it is your nature to push people away and ask him to gently push back. If you can find a way to make it “safe” for him, you can get some of your rage out. However, understanding partners are hard to come by. If you keep getting attracted to sociopaths, know that in spite of how you feel, you are better off alone. There is life after BPD, and BPD have many many gifts to offer as healers and artists when they get a handle on the condition. It’s okay to be alone and on your own – you don’t need a partner in your life to be happy.

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