Reply To: Broke up with narcissist and started no contact, having a really tough time

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Hi jaybird,
This is going to be a long one so I appreciate those who read !! This is an update on me and my advice to you.

To be honest leaving was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, it’s been 4 months now and I still struggle with my emotions and thoughts about the situation. I knew if I didn’t leave he was never going to basically they will stick around and mistreat you as much as you let them. You HAVE TO let go for your own sanity and health reasons, they aren’t hurting the way we are because they can’t feel like we do. I have a good support system and I just tell myself that he’s the one who lost someone who truly loved him narcissists/sociopaths cannot love they will go on re-creating the same situation with their next victim.

I know this truth first hand he kept reaching out to me since I left him. This has been going on since November he will be quiet for a while I will hear nothing then he will pop up out of no where. Last time was the end of January he messaged me on Facebook telling me how much he misses me. Funny thing is he’s still with the same girl his friends “baby mother” and I’ve known her since high school. The friend of his ended up finding out and he had no clue either. But since I know this girl is a cheater just like him I know it won’t last. But what I can say is I know first hand that he did not change with her and he isn’t happy, he sent me messages telling me he wasn’t happy and trying to drag me back in. So I screen shotted the messages and sent them to her, (which was a nice deed considering she knew he was with me when he was cheating on me with her) but you know what dawned upon me ? He’s still the SAME. He still messages girls constantly and I know for a fact that he is cheating on her. From those messages I know these things – 1. He isn’t happy 2. He didn’t change for her 3. His victim game is just continuing 4. He just wanted a reaction from me.

Now as for no contact I did not contact him for 3 months until he messaged me in January. I ended it and it ended badly between him and I. I can’t lie I was curious about him and how he was but I knew he was just playing the games he always plays by contacting me, the only reason he kept going on was because I was COMPLETELY ignoring him. They CANNOT handle being ignored it is the biggest blow to their ego and whatever little self esteem they have. When I did answer I knew I was strong enough not to let him and his games get to me. I didn’t say I missed him back and I said don’t you have a girlfriend ? He didn’t answer that question. That right there tells me everything I needed to know. Not only did I learn what he did behind my back but what he continues to do to every other woman.. it is flat out sad. No contact is meant for you so YOU can heal it has nothing to do with him. They will go on for as long as you let them. Ignoring your narcissist jaybird will show him that you are strong and sticking to your guns and that his games no longer work on you. You need to walk away, for yourself. I know it hurts to hear but please don’t waste anymore of your precious time on someone who just treats life and everyone in it like a game.

He managed to get his first “baby mother” (hate that term) pregnant while being with me and cheated on me with many people. He was never going to change. So for your situation you need to accept the same and know that you deserve SO much better. I read a lot of articles on narcissists and any information I can find which helped me to understand what I went through ! I also try to stay off of social media as much as I can and I focus on work and anything to keep me busy. I did have to go on anxiety meds after the breakup because I became severely depressed but those have helped me so much. I have learned my worth and value and I will never let someone do that to me again. It is not your fault so PLEASE remember that. You are good enough they are the ones who are not, that’s why all the shady unimaginable things they do is so hurtful they want to attain power and control and that’s how they do it. Normal people like you and I question this and we try harder instead of leaving them like we should. Please let me know how you are doing I would love to help you with any advice I can give. They are the broken ones and they just want to make everyone else feel the same way they do. But we are stronger than that, they can only bring us down for as long as we let them. That is the key to all of this, I knew in my heart one day I would have to leave him. So I finally just did it and I had to ignore him there was no other way to do it.

Don’t give up on yourself. You may slip up and have a few issues throughout this but you will come out stronger. Read, drink tea, take care of yourself. Wear makeup, get your hair done, buy new clothes, go out with friends. All of this made me feel brand new I felt like the old me!! Do things for YOU we forget to because we’re used to breaking our backs for them. You are number one anyone else besides your children always comes second ! I have learned so much from this experience that in some weird way I know that everything happens for a reason and this is why it did, I had to learn my self worth through an awful situation but I am still working on this every single day. You need to tell yourself you are worthy of real love, that you do not have to accept or associate with anyone who harms you like that and that you can and will find someone better. I am still single but I want to be, I need time to recover and heal being lied to for years on end takes a toll on anybody, to regain trust in people is going to be hard but you can do it ! I hope my experience is helpful to you, this was a long post but feel free to ask me anything I will always be here to help ! Wishing you the very best ! Cindyds

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