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Reply To: Damn…I let him in…again

#40244

lovablemd
Participant

Hi Jaybird, thank you for sharing your story with me. A little more back story about the Narc in my life; his wife and I spoke two years ago for two hours. Even after all the things she said that she went through and goes through with him, it was too late for me. I was addicted 100\%. I feel like his wife would be on my side because she nor I ever told him what we talked about, which probably pissed him off to no end.

At this stage (right now) for some reason even though I know there will never be validation from him, I want it. I want it badly. I want to be RIGHT that I may know his next target. I want to catch him in the act so to speak. So my addiction would break. Yeah Right! My therapist said though the only way to break an addiction is abstinence. Ugh! I wanted to also win and beat him, but I know that this will never happen and it will never end. So for me, this is day two of no contact.

I blocked his number for texting only through my phone company. This is a huge step. I wondered why his wife wasn’t hounding me or texting me like she did before, but cell companies don’t keep a log of text messages only phone call logs are kept. Tada! I didn’t know that. I guess I want her to push me away. To help me without him knowing because I can’t obviously do it on my own. I also did push him away badly the first year and I didn’t understand why he wouldn’t leave. Then both my parents died and boy did he use me during that time. I have been in withdrawal before and since he texts me SO much, I get anxiety when he does and doesn’t text. SIGH! I can feel the anxiety setting in and I am writing my feelings down, trying to remind myself all the crap I don’t deserve. I have the perfect Rock song that I play over and over. It makes me feel empowered, but I know this road will be bumpy.

Yes our stories are so so similar, the remake of the same movie with different characters. As if there is a secret club the empaths and codependents don’t know about. Through this relationship though I realized I have childhood trauma that has made me this way. I need to get over this hump to explore it and hoping that I find love for myself first before I can open myself up to a real man. Everything was a lie and continues to be a lie. I live too much in the past now looking at his behavior and saying, aha that was a lie. It baffles me, but it is so interesting too.

Hi Donna, I have had a few people tell me to call the police. He has done it twice so far, but yes I did open the door each time. I open it because it is my little dose of him. This is a new behavior for him so naturally I want to figure out why. A new supply in the evenings? He came around a lot after work, now he works too much. Like jaybird I should be grateful. He only comes around for sex or lately I think he is trying to regain control so it is once a week right before the weekend before he is with his family. I am proud of myself for rejecting him at the door two times last month. Then I didn’t see him for two weeks each time. I have social anxiety, so I don’t get out much and my mind can be consumed with him. I am working on this too, but the last few years have been taxing with the deaths of my parents, him, and my last boss being a sociopath. She hated women. Thank you for your reply. Talking helps!


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