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Reply To: I am leaving – but I feel bad because I am not confronting him before leaving

#40293

Synergy
Participant

Yeah, I get it that you feel like maybe you are doing a bad thing by leaving him. This guy is like a combination of two of my disastrous husbands. Fortunately, neither of them hurt my cat/s. Neither of them went to prostitutes. One was likely unfaithful, but I didn’t figure that out till years and years after I divorced him. One gaslighted me — that’s this part of what you wrote: “.. he did things to make me think I was crazy like move things and deny moving them.” One of my terrible husbands did that…and he disappeared some of my most valuable and irreplaceable possessions. When he bought a vinyl record, and it turned out it was and had been one of my favorite records back in the 1960s when it came out, I was thrilled! Shortly thereafter, he left it in the hot car and it melted. The wrist watch my parents had given me on my 12th birthday disappeared. Interesting, since I was nearly 50 and I’d had it for nearly 40 years, then it suddenly vanished.

Another husband did these things: “Instead, he would act as if everything was fine but would do things like drive erratically — scaring me (and he knew it), ”

And both of them woke me at 3 am or partied late so I could not get to sleep.

As for “he has done it hundreds of times — each time when he was not happy with me.” I have very sensitive hearing. One would tap the lid of the revere ware pot with a metal spoon, making it ring loudly. He did that hundreds of times, with a big grin, and I foolishly thought he’d forgotten I’d asked him to not do it.

Two of the men I married would cry when I broke up with them. Typical behavior to try to draw us back in, knowing that we are kind and compassionate people.

I, too, moved out or moved them out. And let them back. Finally, with each of them, I’d had enough.

I suggest you don’t fall for this stuff. I was amazed when I went to an abused women’s group, and we were told, “They know EXACTLY WHAT THEY ARE DOING.” What? I thought. I don’t believe this — he’s really a great guy and I love him so much! What will he do without me? Will he commit suicide? But, both of these guys were married or engaged within 6 months of me leaving them. Both ended up with good livings/jobs. Me, I now live in a small, low-income apartment and Social Security. In divorce, it’s not at all unusual for the man to flourish economically, and the woman to remain in poverty for the rest of her life.


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