Reply To: I am leaving – but I feel bad because I am not confronting him before leaving



Thank you, cyndyinaz. I am thrilled by what your validation of what I wrote — so glad I shared when and what I did. Glad it was helpful, and rings true for you.

Some of what I write below assumes you have a way to make a living, and have some money to spend. The women’s crisis hot line, group/s and shelter would have some resources for you if you are low income.

I am particularly concerned for your dog. Can you think of a way to put your dog him/her in a shelter or day care for a while? Is there a doggie daycare in your area? If there is, and if, for instance, you work outside the home, that would possibly be a way to tell the man that your dog needs more company while you are gone. Then the dog will only be home while you are there — and don’t ever leave the dog alone with the guy.

I also strongly suggest you contact a women’s crisis center! They will likely have a safe place for you to hide, maybe even a place for your dog.

You are really, really, really smart to NOT tell him ANYTHING about your plans to leave! Abused people are advised to have a very detailed plan and a timeline, step by setp, and to carry it out when the abuser is gone from the home. Does he have periods of time when he’s gone? Does he work outside the home? If he does, that would be a good time to split. And just leave the creep high and dry.

Another thing to keep in mine (this never happened to me, thank heavens.) A lot of abusers work on ways to “get you” once you DO leave. They get very dangerous. Hopefully someone here at the Forum can advise you what to do to protect yourself after you leave. And remember — if you do tell him, he could block you in some way that you can’t manager to get away.

Leave the big things like the couches for the Big Move. And why leave YOUR couch for him?????

But would he notice if you gradually removed some smaller things? Your jewelry (leave the box so he doesn’t miss that! Maybe leave a few pieces of costumer jewelry in the box, meanwhile), a few articles of clothing, underwear, a few pairs of shoes, etc etc. Can you personally afford to rent an apartment without him knowing — you could begin to move things there. Then you can get the movers to swoop in and get all the couches, etc.

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