Reply To: Failed at No Contact



I wanted to share a little bit more, and rather than writing an article, I will just put it on this very relevant thread. I am currently on the verge of breaking up a two year relationship with someone I love very much who is not a sociopath. (For those who don’t know me, it’s been 8 years since I left the sociopath who drove me to find this site.) I have abandonment issues, so to find a man who is loyal and committed is a treasure. And yet he is not quite the right person for me. Our goals and values don’t line up. We come from different walks of life. We don’t communicate well and can’t seem to compromise on our basic needs. It’s incredibly painful because I don’t “have” to leave. Many of you who are with sociopaths “have” to get out to save your lives. I don’t have to, but if I stay, I won’t be happy and I will be settling. It has taken me two years of indecision to realize that I’d rather be alone the rest of my life than to settle. I know my worth and what I want from a man. My head says it’s not working. My heart is very attached. Life is short, friends. I am 56. I may find a man who cherishes me and treats me the way I want. And I may never. But one thing is for sure, I will never know if I stay where I am. I want a great relationship or none at all. I hope in any way, this story can help anyone having a hard time walking away. You are not alone. This break-up is one of the more painful things I’ve gone through. It may not be about a sociopath (this time) but pain is pain. Sometimes you just gotta put your big girl panties on and step out into the uncertain unknown with a big hole in your heart and self doubt buzzing in your head. I believe we can all reinvent ourselves if we have the guts to try.

Many years ago I was diagnosed as a borderline personality disorder. Borderlines have an amplified fear of abandonment. I’m glad to report that I am finally bigger than my fear of abandonment. I no longer need to stay in a relationship past its expiration date. I am willing to walk away. Funny, I am not afraid to be alone. I love being alone. I’m afraid of being abandoned, which is very different. And by walking away from this guy, I will be triggering my own abandonment that I spent so much of my life avoiding. It’s pointless to run away from fear because we always get more of what we’re afraid of until we turn and face the fear.

As this man is not disordered, I have not ruled out that perhaps one day we will be on the same page and can try again. But I can’t wait for that.

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