Reply To: I can never forgive some people



Hi again, Madelaine, Two interesting concepts about forgiveness. And I really like your analyses. Very good, insightful and intelligent. One thing I read in the Religion section of a newspaper years ago (the onl time in my life I read the Religion page) a minister wrote “You can forgive someone and not have them IN YOUR LIFE.” That was a revelation to me, because as you said about me, I had always found forgiveness to end up being giving the abuser an excuse to go on with his abuse. I spent years of being weighed down, losing my identity and enthusiasm, etc etc and keep forgiving, over and over.

You wrote: “Aim for a state of genuinely ‘not caring’ about the sociopaths, and remove ‘forgiveness’ from your vocabulary.” That’s essentially what a psychiatrist said to me, when I was in a state of feeling destroyed state after an only 6 week affair. I felt suicidal. It took me 6 months to get over it. But the psychiatrist said, “Synergy, there is love and there is hate. The two are closely allied (or maybe he said aligned?). What you need is INDIFFERENCE, Synergy. INDIFFERENCE.”

I came up with a way to do that. I had to see this guy every day due to circumstances beyond my control. So I decided to “examine” him “with a microscope, like an amoeba one glass slide.” The idea was to figure out what it was/is about guys like him the attracted me in the first place. (Frankly, I don’t think my analysis did me any good or affected my choices for the future, but it honestly did give me indifference to that particular bug.

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