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Reply To: Why I hate narcissists

#42095

Stargazer
Participant

angel, so did I (fail to see the president’s charm). But many do. It’s a phenomenon that’s also hard for me to understand.

I am just now feeling some remorse and pain for the casual way I have treated several men’s feelings from the past. It has surfaced since the eclipse – I’m not sure if there is some sort of “eclipse” energy. But I’m soon to be 57, so I’ve gone a lot of years thinking my politics with the opposite sex were just fine. So much of what I assumed was an okay way to relate to men turned out to be subtle game playing and defensiveness, some of it reacting to THEIR games and defensiveness. I couldn’t have done any better at the time – that is just where I was at in my awareness. I didn’t even know I was playing any games.

Whenever we are communicating from a defensive place, there will always be some sort of game. It’s not intentional. For me, when I started seeing it, the reality was very painful to me – partly just because I started acutely feeling what the other must have felt. And partly for the missed opportunities of two people who were scared and pushing each other away. I have vowed recently to be more honest and authentic with others, even if it makes me very vulnerable. This is scary, but I feel life is richer and more authentic this way. Plus there is less karma to deal with.

I recall when there was a guy I liked but didn’t understand his motives, instead of just asking (the obvious response), I just put up defenses. I would be coy or try to make him jealous to get his attention. With others, it was clear that they were interested romantically. I just wanted a friendship, but some of them were in love. I allowed the friendship to go on because it filled my needs, even though it kept them hanging for the promise of something more down the road. In retrospect, I wish I’d had the compassion to be upfront and make a clean break to allow them to move on. I’ve also been on the other side of this. It’s painful either way. I truly do not want to cause harm to anyone.


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