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Reply To: Introducing Myself/On BPD and The Definition of Love

#42362

Stargazer
Participant

Junebug, thanks for clarifying the difference between schizoid personality and schizotypal disorder. I had not heard this second one, even though I studied psychology for many years. Your explanation was very clear, and I appreciate your sharing the details. I do believe it’s difficult to know what is an actual disorder, what is PTSD. Your symptoms can also be the result of growing up with disordered parents and the protective defense mechanisms you developed. For instance, I, too, learned to lie to protect myself from an abusive stepfather. But I really don’t know, just as I don’t really know if I was/am a true borderline.

In retrospect, I think the label did me a great disservice. If it could have been couched in a more positive or hopeful way, it would have been more helpful. As trust is an issue for borderlines, a therapist wouldn’t have necessarily helped me. Perhaps I was not true BPD. I don’t recall if I ever had the intention to exploit anyone as a goal, but I’m sure I was manipulative and controlling in my relationships. When I started becoming aware of these tendencies, the revelation was quite painful. And it was difficult to let go of the control and face the underlying causes – my deep insecurities.

I really like what you said: “If one wasn’t trying to put everything in the worst light possible, that would be called “creative thinker who is willing to think outside the box (and sometimes overthinks things)” And it’s mind-boggling to me that anyone would resist their own thoughts or ideas.” There is a woman (can’t think of her name) who spoke on CO public radio a few months ago about a new way of thinking about mental illness – that each condition – borderline, OCD, etc. – gives the person unique gifts. I will try to find the article and post it as time permits. She feels we can get too focused on the pathology and it tends to stigmatize us, which is not helpful. I totally agree with her. Those of us who are non-exploitive can obsess over the labels and how we are disordered. I don’t think that is very helpful or necessary except insomuch as it can increase our awareness of ourselves. We really need an overhaul in the mental health system. In many cases, the symptoms of trauma survivors are a sane response to an insane situation. And we need only retrain our minds that we are no longer in that insane situation.

I am warmed by your kind comments. I hope you will find acceptance, camaraderie, and helpful information here to further you on your own path. 🙂


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