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Reply To: Introducing Myself/On BPD and The Definition of Love

#42366

Stargazer
Participant

Junebug, I was about to practice my guitar and get ready for work, but I found your post so interesting. I wanted to take the time to respond before I get busy with my work week.

No, I will never really know if I was/am disordered. However, I stopped splitting hairs about it many years ago. If you met me, you would never know I ever had this diagnosis. I’m happy, relatable, and pretty stable these days. I look closely at my thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, and I’ve learned to be very honest with myself but not self-critical. Looking at the darkest parts of my personality helped me to accept them and even transform them. It’s an ongoing process – I think this is true for anyone who is on a path of healing/recovery/spiritual growth. I use those words interchangeably, because in my world, you cannot have one without the others. I’m also creative, deeply emotional, and highly compassionate. One of the reasons I come here is to give back what was given to me so many years ago here. I truly enjoy being a part of others’ journeys to wellness. If recall some of my struggles in the early days of recovery. I was pretty much a mess. I was a textbook borderline. I never mentioned the diagnosis with many people, but I still felt stigmatized by it. It ate away at me that all the textbooks said it would take years and years to heal. I wanted to feel better instantly. Turns out it did take years and years, but along the way I found out that I’m a pretty cool person – not in spite of it, but because of it.

I understand what you mean about online anonymity. It wasn’t around in my day when I was going through so much depression. A site like this would have helped tremendously. While I can’t say I’m still mistrustful, I am usually reserved around people in person until I get to know them well. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. But I’m friendly and outgoing, but very careful about whom I spend my time with.

I actually agree with you that there is always hope for any condition. I was very interested in psychology and studied it up to the graduate level. In my studies, I ran across a book called Bioenergetics by Alexander Lowen. I still have the book. It’s an interesting study of the various disorders (including sociopathy) from an energetic perspective – where they are blocked physically and what exercises would release the blocks. That book gave me a different perspective on the healing process. Though I do believe sociopathy is “potentially” treatable, I have never met nor heard of a sociopath who had the slightest desire to change or who ever changed. So there’s that. I do think some of them mellow out later in life. Also, sociopathic types can fall on a spectrum, with some having a tiny ability to introspect and therefore change.

I save the most personal comments for last. I think the things your father did are very heinous. The story about the chickens made my guts churn. I’m so sorry you had to live with this. My stepfather was pretty sociopathic, too, so I can somewhat relate to your stories of your father. Fortunately, he didn’t come into my life till I was 7 or 8, so I wasn’t as traumatized by him as I could have been. Given your experiences, it would make a lot of sense that you learned to lie to protect yourself and probably found other coping mechanisms. I do think some sociopaths can mellow out in their later years. My stepfather definitely did.

If you are interested in reading about BPD, a good book is The Buddha and the Borderline. I loved her story, though mine was a little different. I discovered meditation earlier in my life rather than later, and it probably saved me from a life of self-destruction.

I appreciate reading about you and your story, Junebug. Thank you so much for sharing.


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