Reply To: Introducing Myself/On BPD and The Definition of Love

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“it did take years and years, but along the way I found out that I’m a pretty cool person – not in spite of it, but because of it.”

That’s an amazing thing to discover. It must have made all the work toward that worth it. And my gosh, you’re so wonderfully quotable! 🙂

Also, I’m curious…do you actually experience emotions that most people don’t or are they just much greater in intensity? I’m sorry if that’s an unanswerable question, since you obviously can’t REALLY know what anyone feels but you. But if you do know the answer, I’m interested in hearing it.

And I’m sorry if it’s rude or too personal to ask. It’s just that, having had my own emotions called weaker than other people’s, I kind of wondered what it’s like at the other end of the spectrum.

“Though I do believe sociopathy is “potentially” treatable, I have never met nor heard of a sociopath who had the slightest desire to change or who ever changed.”

You’ve never heard of James Fallon? The neuroscientist who realized he was psychopathic himself while looking at the brains of serial killers?

And online, there is Zhawq. Diagnosed twice if I recall, and his youth was riddled with the classic sociopathic crime/lying/manipulating/conning women etc., the lowlights of which were murders and rapes…before he basically decided that lifestyle wasn’t for him. Like all psychopaths, he can’t feel remorse, so his decision to change was based on a combination of pure boredom and a feeling that there was more to life. But over the years he’s kept his blog he’s kind of developed his own moral code, though it’s somewhat different than mainstream society’s.

Of course, given online anonymity, that’s all dependent on whether one will take Zhawq’s word for it.

…I know this because at a point during my extremely informal research on the condition, I wanted to hear about psychopathy from a psychopath themselves. I know most normal people don’t CARE why people hurt them are the way they are, and actually think that me caring is some kind of obstacle to healing. I think that if they are entitled to spew hatred and vitriol about the person who hurt them, I too am entitled to do as I please. (But do I try to force THEM to be like ME? NO. Even though they’ll never give me the same courtesy.) Additionally, I think their attitude is rather narrow-minded. The alternative is thinking of people and things in black/white terms, and that’s not really my style.

And knowledge does actually help me recover from things. I would’ve never been able to forgive the girls who bullied me in middle school if I didn’t find out the ringleader was beaten by her parents at home. Once I knew that, I couldn’t hate her anymore. And knowing she was probably only repeating what her parents said to HER really helped me not believe what she said was true.

My father changes too, or at least mellows. Nowadays he’s also much more focused on his main goal in life. Alright, the majority of people would probably still disapprove if they knew him like I do…but the majority of people have never approved of me, and I’ve never approved of them.

“I think the things your father did are very heinous. The story about the chickens made my guts churn. I’m so sorry you had to live with this.”

It’s okay. He’s better than that now-if it happened now he wouldn’t do that. Now he’s decided to talk to my brother (who he is currently most displeased with) BEFORE he does anything drastic. Though he’s stated he’s not optimistic that someone “like my brother” and “at that age” will listen to talking. (I really seriously suspect that my father is one of the ones who knows what he is.)

And even before the real mellowing, my dad also used his…ahem, persuasive skills to convince me not to commit suicide while he was in prison.

He’s a paradox like that.

“Also, sociopathic types can fall on a spectrum, with some having a tiny ability to introspect and therefore change.”

My dad’s weird like that. He’ll change a behavior without ever admitting that it was his fault he needed to do so-in fact often insisting that the problem was somebody else’s fault, and he only needs to change to compensate for their incompetence.

Or he’ll simply never mention the incident and act like it never happened, yet never repeat it. Such is the case with the beheading of my chickens. It will be a cold, cold day in hell before he apologizes to me about that…but not doing anything like it again is enough for me. (Well, he would apologize if I threatened to never speak to him again, but that would just be a case of him saying whatever he had to to avoid me leaving. Which does mean he cares in his way, but…that wouldn’t be the kind of apology I would want.)

I’m glad your stepfather mellowed too. Do you talk to him now? My dad and I are actually close despite the past. I don’t have to pretend to be anything I’m not with him. He doesn’t mind my oddities at all. And I can tell him stuff and never worry about HIM passing moral judgment…I don’t even think he CAN do that (though I’ve seen him fake it with people whom not doing it would bother/be noticed as strange). 🙂

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