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Reply To: Trying to move forward

#43375

kathleenkelly
Participant

I didn’t know about trauma bonding and Stockholm Syndrome. I had no idea that someone like me (a homemaker)- could have PTSD. I thought that was for combat vets and disaster survivors. I did reach out to counselors, clergy and therapists during those horrible years but none of them picked up on it. I think part of the reason is that I was unable to articulate what was happening in my marriage. I believed that I was the problem and everything was all my fault. Needless to say I was misdiagnosed and heavily medicated with powerful psychotropic medications. The narc liked it when I was drugged up like a zombie. It gave him ammunition to say: See everyone- she’s a kook.

Turning to my pastor was even worse. My pastor counseled me to become a better wife. Cook better, clean better, make more money, be more sexually provocative etc. I never told the pastor about the porn, voyeuring, theft, domestic violence. I knew that would set me up to be beaten over the head with “non forgiveness.” When I tried to talk about what happened to me- The narc would attack me with the Bible: You aren’t a Christian, you didn’t forgive me!

The narc tried desperately to convince me of two things, 1. I was crazy 2. I was stupid. For years, I felt exactly that. I lived in a state of cognitive dissonance for as long as I could remember.

I think it’s amazing that since I fled from the narc- the depression and axiety started to clear up. I don’t feel stupid or crazy anymore. I am going through “uncoupling” ups and downs, but I feel better than I ever have in decades.


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