lf2

Reply To: Trying to move forward

#43377

kathleenkelly
Participant

I found a website that helped me understand the sexual perversion I was dealing with. Counselors didn’t seem to “get it”- and the clergy was out of the question because of the shame that I felt being married to a deceptive pervert. I thought somehow- his sexual perversion was my fault.

The website SOS (Sisterhood of Support)- helped me understand what I was dealing with. When I first joined the site last December 31st (after I threw the narc out for lewd texting the neighbors). The neighbors were thinking about pressing charges against him- so this helped me get him out of the house. I was shaking, vomiting, scared out of my wits when I first signed up with SOS.

The administrators of the site and the women on the site helped me understand that I did not cause the narc’s sexual perversion. They did not shame me, blame me or make me feel worse than already felt as the 12 step group (COSA) did.

I went through a steep learning curve with so called “sexual addiction.” I learned about therapist abuse, and victim blaming in the prevalent treatment model for sexually betrayed spouses of so called “sex addicts” (Patrick Carnes).

I found the work of Dr. Omar Minwalla through the SOS site- for the first time in decades- I felt validated and vindicated. Although my ability to read was damaged by the trauma I was able to read Dr. Minwalla’s work. His work described what happened to me perfectly.

The proprietor of the SOS site provided resources for women like me. Those resources included materials about personality disorders. I read the resources. That’s when I realized it was true…..I married a narc. There was no more denying it. The wall came tumbling down. I was a mess….but I managed to pry myself free and hire a divorce attorney. At first, I filed for legal separation. I told her my horrible story. She believed me and helped me legally get financial support from the narc until I could figure out what to do.

At first, I strung the narc along by telling him that I needed time to think. I didn’t want him to know that I was planning to make a complete break because I was afraid of him. He was in a state of false remorse. The attorney advised me to get him to sign the separation/divorce papers while he was still in a state of remorse. She warned me that men like him- spring back to to their old selves in no time flat. And …I should “strike while the iron is hot.” I took her advice.

When he figured out that I was really going to go through with the divorce, that’s when he started to get self rigteous and even vicious. I proceeded to sell the house, get all the money I could scrape together and flee. I knew that if I stayed in the same state as him- he’d be back on my doorstep proclaiming himself ” a changed man” again. Not to mention I did not want him to flaunt his new paramours in my direction.

He aged badly, the drugs and alcohol took a toll on his health and he has erectile dysfunction (from the porn). Even so….he makes six figures….so I knew he would find someone to replace me. And he did.

From what I understand he found a “head janitor” woman from Indianapolis. He may have hooked up with her long before I threw him out. I will never know. His need to feel superior resonates in his choice of a new love. I am almost certain that he told his new janitor lady- the ole “My wife was a crazy bitch” line. I really don’t care. The janitor woman does have a 20 year old daughter. She has no clue that the narc has tastes in very young women. In a way, I feel sorry for the janitor woman.


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