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Reply To: His new victim has just contacted me via Facebook

#43393

AnnettePK
Participant

Cloud,

That is probably a decision worth considering. You might list the pros and cons of contacting her and of not contacting her. Factors to consider are whether she has enough information already to make her decision whether to continue interacting with him. Also relevant is that since she reached out to you it sounds like she may want to know the info you uncovered. Is there a way you can email her and, without going into details, just briefly suggest she may want to take a look at the FB profile you found? It may be best if you don’t make any specific allegations, and let her draw her own conclusions. Although the FB profile probably is what you think it is, it can’t be proven. However unlikely, someone else could have made one using his names or it could be a weird coincidence.

If she is still interacting with your ex sociopath, you might consider opening an email account to use to contact her, so no one will have your ‘real’ email address.

It may increase your physical and emotional safety to prevent him from seeing or knowing anything about you. Consider making sure that his FB profile with the prostitute connections and any other FB profile out there cannot see your FB page if you still have one. Consider making your entire profile only visible to a short list of close friends. FB friends who are peripheral acquaintances whom he is also acquainted with might be used by him to view your FB page. Every situation is different, so you might consider what risk factors exist given what you know about him, and what steps you could take to stay anonymous and safe from him.

Seeing anything about him – what he’s doing etc., – is usually stressful, hurtful, and emotionally harmful to recovering victims, and hinders healing. You may want to limit your contact with his activities on line to the minimum it takes to have a general idea of what he’s up to if you think it will help you protect yourself from him. If you are safely on another continent, then you may not need to keep track of him at all to be safe. Any kind of contact from him is a threat to your recovery.

‘Relationships’ with spaths often have a lot of interaction on line instead of face to face in person time spent together. My ex psychopath managed to keep much of our interactions by telephone, skype, and email, even when we were ‘married’ and living in the same house. I found it helped me in recovery to spend more time in activities interacting with others in person and that center on a goal or activity, instead of just relating for the purpose of relating, like a ‘meet other singles’ group might be. Hiking groups, dancing groups, taking classes, volunteering, music jams, religious pursuits, etc. Interacting with others via computer can be very helpful (like this Lovefraud site!); but the potential for people to misrepresent themselves is high on the internet in general. Much of on line interactions are getting to be negative, snarky, and harmful. Much of it has become a surreal world with many disordered evil people doing all the talking.

Back to your question, I think it’s worth considering seriously, but there doesn’t seem to be any easy right or wrong decision. There’s a lot of factors to consider – what’s best for her, what’s best for you, possible repercussions if you do let her know, possible consequences if you don’t let her know. Your intuition as to what to do is worth considering, too.


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