Reply To: Has he finally gone away for good???

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Hi Thirdtimelucky, you’re welcome hon. Glad your friends not only have your back, but are speaking the truth to you about this guy. This is a comfort to have close friends, that are looking out for you. I believe it is vitally important to listen to close, trusted, friends like this always. They are not emotionally connected to the sociopath, so they can give you there gut instinct reaction to him. Like a dog backing that someone is nearing the home without the home owner being aware of this fact until the door bell rings.

It’s normal to start to “question” things about the sociopath. Example: “Maybe it’s me that was the problem in the relationship”, “maybe if I didn’t say “that” during our fight, we would still be together or maybe we wont have fought” etc etc.

This is what sociopaths love…they have messed with our minds that some times, you dont even know, which way is up & which way is down, because of their brain washing & mind control. We (the victims) start questioning everything…this is what good people do. The evaluate their behavior & make approbate changes. Meanwhile the sociopath are manipulating us, our minds, running a con game on us without us even realizing it. Sociopaths want you to make changes to please them to give them what they want i.e. sex, money, place to live etc.

With time you will get your gut instinct back & you will, then see, that he is pure evil. He is married & was playing mind games with you & your son on the side. THIS IS PURE EVIL!! YES, he was playing mind games with your SON!! And you, too!!

You just dont do that to people. He is emotionally, mentally & verbally abusing his wife saying that he “loves her”, all along having you in his life on the side (and you didnt know he was married!!)….& was emotionally, mentally & emotionally abusing you & your son with his con game.

Thank goodness you are education yourself & in counseling with a very knowledgeable counselor. This is a true blessing!!

Remember the sociopath love bombs their targets the second they meet us. They plant seeds of “he is a good guy” from the beginning in our minds. (this happened with you AND your son!!). Then they drop their mask & we are complex by their horrible behavior, we are taught to believe everyone has “good” inside them, that they can “change” and then we revert our thinking to the love bombing state & give them a pass on their bad behavior.

This is what you have to break your mind free of…the lovebombing stage was just a con game for him to suck you into his game. A game you did not know you were playing. It was all fake…not real what so ever. Not easy to re-train the brain but you will get there. Keep reading & then analyzing what you read with your relationship, asking questions hear & with your counselor.

You are making amazing steps to your freedom your mind. You should be so proud of yourself!! It’s not easy to pick up the pieces after a sociopath enters our lives. But you are making huge strives!! Keep moving forward & keep the door shut on him.

Once again, I highly recommend that you google “Oprah Gavin Debecker you tube) and what their videos on listening to your gut. Our gut is an alarm. It warns us of danger. Your gut alarm was warning you in the beginning with this guy no doubt. But he keep twisting your mind away from your gut. Like all sociopaths do. Now you must reinstate listening to your gut again. Most victims (including myself) lost their gut alarm during the time with the sociopath. Gavin Debecker’s book The gift of fear is (I believe) is a must read for everyone. It should be taught in school.

It’s possible, because you were not educated that your gut alarm has not been working correctly since the first narcissist that you let into your life. It’s possible, that that first narcissist in your life broke your spirit and instead of seeing that he was lying about the things he said about you…you took his words to heart & your self esteem lowered & this is what the next narcissist saw & knew he could manipulate you, then this sociopath saw this too. Good people see that we need to make changes…the sociopath will manipulate us with words to control us but also to break down our self esteem = to have full control over us from leaving them. Being lonely is also a huge thing that a sociopath can spot a mile away. Like a shark detecting a drop of blood in the water.

You state:

“As to how I am going emotionally: I am feeling numb and my sleep is disturbed (fingers crossed will get better once I move in 2 weeks).”

Sadly this is normal when ending a relationship with a sociopath. The constant stress you were under (even if you did not realize you were stressed) from the sociopath messes with our adrenal glands. The adrenal glands regulate our blood pressure, blood sugar, cortisol & adrenaline levels (fight, flight or freeze mode) and over 50 hormones. When we are under constant stress i.e. toxic relationship, work schedule, raising kids etc our adrenal glands can get burnt out. This will cause symptoms like racing mind, sleep issues, anxiety, depression, etc etc.

Right now you are still under a tremendous amount of stress….your cortisol levels are most likely high due to breaking up with him, moving, raising a young son etc. This will cause issues with your sleep pattern. This is why it’s important to focus on your health this time…look at sites like Adrenal fatigue. org and Dr Lam. com for adrenal fatigue symptoms & read up on this.

Take care of your health. Google “Mia Lunden sleep issues you tube” to watch her video and also videos on those two sites. (Check with your doctor before doing anything & I have zero affiliation with those sites except a friend guided me to an Endocrinologist doctor who tested me for cortisol levels, vitamin/mineral deficiency & hormonal imbalance (all my test came back in poor health). Google also “Dr Fuhrman you tube eat for life” (I went to him & his methods got me back to better health).

“What concerns me is that I was not able to sit down and have a good cry about it.”

I remember when I was still married, just found proof my (then) husband was having a two year affair, and was just told by the vet the next day that my beloved cat had cancer. I sat in the vet’s office waiting for my turn to pay just thinking “I cant take any more”. I look back now, I was just so emotionally spent that I could not even cry or get angry or have any emotion. I was just a step ford wife robot, just in motion but not feeling my feelings because my then husband was controlling my mind. That moment in the vet’s office looking back is a pivotal moment once I left at how he was controlling my mind.

Right now you are still in survival mode = moving, looking for ways to be safe from this evil man etc etc. With time your emotions will percolate up. Because you have been in counseling maybe not to the degree that most victims feel (because you have been processing feelings with your counselor). Right now dont worry about not showing your emotions. I would suggest that you get a journal & just take time each day to write out your thoughts out about this guy if things pop into your mind about him. i.e. “I think he is a jerk (or an a$$), I feel sad today, I feel angry to day because of, I have been crying” etc. This will open your mind to focusing on your feelings.

For me, I was just a walking zombie when I left. I sat on a counselors couch the first session and said “I dont know if the marriage failed because of me, him or both, I’s so confused”. She gave me the book Women who love psychopaths by Sandra Brown…and I literally sobbed the whole time reading it. You know the ugly cry (haha). It was bad. Never have I cried so hard in my life. If was more the type to suck it up & carry on. I realize now that we have to stop and take a moment to think about how we feel. And we need to let out those emotions i.e. anger (not at anyone), cry, sob, etc.

I believe when we stuff our feelings down our brain can not process the info & can not apply them to the “gut alarm” system that we each have when it’s vitally important. Our brains know how to deal with everything around us in this crazy world, it knows where to store the info in our brain… i.e. this is a feel good moment category, daily routine category, danger category etc. If we dont feel the moments (really feel them) then our brain will but say a dangerous experience in the wrong filing cabinet and we might not a proper gut warning to avoid danger i.e. date another narcissist or sociopath etc.

You state:

“My last crying session was on New Years Day he left my son and I at a hotel where we spent NYE (which I paid for!), saying he had an urgent work call and had to leave”

I’m so sorry this moment happened. Makes me sad. An exciting time for you & your son and this a$$ just left you on NYE. I’m glad you cried that night. That is a normal response to his behavior. This is one of the bread crumbs that lead you to counseling & to Lovefraud. Your brain filed that moment in the right filing cabinet!!

You state:

“When he returned his key to my place and left With his clothes, I had no tears. Just relief he was gone”.

The day I drove off with my car packed, I felt a huge relief of my shoulders (literally) it was a very surreal moment & powerful moment…it was another light bulb moment for me. Connecting the dots that leaving was a good thing for my body, mind & spirit. I never went back to him…severed him divorce papers a few weeks later. When I served him divorce papers I had a few moments. like you now. of “maybe we can work this out”. But thank goodness, I keep education myself, and those thoughts went out my head quickly. They will for you too. Everything takes time to process and you will get to the point that you will one day just hate the guy and soon you will not even think about him on a daily bases. Hard to believe…but it happens…just one day you sit back and say “wow I haven’t thought about him for months or years”.

You state:

“I keep thinking about his poor wife, from surveillance photos she looks like a nice lady, obviously loves him to bits and works hard 5 days a week, probably paying most of their bill! I hope her life improves and he never cheats on her again. She does not deserve him treating her like he does.”

You are a kind soul. You have empathy & compassion for others…especially right now for his wife. This is a great place to be in. SO many women that are not educated might be directing their anger towards the wife. So glad you see the truth. You are correct…”she does not deserve him treating her the way he does”. And neither do you or your son!!

Thank you for sharing your emotions & I think it’s important to open up…it’s part of the healing process.

Wishing you the best. Keep posting questions if you have them.

Take care.

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