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Reply To: Broke "no contact": how to get back on track?

#44927

thirdtimelucky
Participant

Hope4us,
We all mess up and it takes a while to make the final break (took me about 10 months). There is a good book which can be purchased on Kindle called the 5 Step Exit. It helps you to plan your exit, gives tips on how to manage damage control and also emphasises that the bond with the abuser takes a while to break.
From your post it appears that he is engaging your brother and others as his “flying monkeys”
(Please google this term, he is building his support team, he tells them lies which they then spread. Sociopaths are very clever – they mix lies about you with the truth). If you do meet with him, please do so in a public place. Perhaps download an app that allows you to record the conversation, be prepared to be belittled, threatened, put down or alternatively, love bombed with promises to fix things. Be prepared for anything but try and say as little as possible if at all if he tries to accuse you of things and place the blame on you.
Re telling him what you know, please be careful. If he knows what you know, he may become dangerous and engage in smear campaigns (again please google this term, there are articles on it on this website). Perhaps this is why he wants to meet – to find out what it is you know exactly.
In my case, I did not confront my ex with evidence (of false identities, multiple places of birth and of course, that he was married to another person during the entire 4 year relationship and as he proposed and was planning to move in with me). I spoke to my counsellor and she said it would be too dangerous to try and confront him as he obviously was protecting his secret family for 4 years we’ve been together.
Instead I wrote down everything I wanted to tell him in an email which I sent to myself. I am still using this technique when I have things to tell to him.
Everyone’s situation is different but I would urge you to cancel the meeting (Can be as simple as “I had further thoughts and do not believe it is appropriate for us to meet for now”. Or even simple “Something has come up, I’ll be in touch about an alternative time” (which of course you have no intention of doing). Can be sent by text.
Lastly, the cravings for our abusive exes take a while to go away. Even after I knew about all the lies and 1 month post discard now there are times I long for him with this crazy intensity. That’s when I write emails/notes to myself of all the things I want to tell to him.
It takes time to heal, take care and please be safe
With love


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