Reply To: Victim of a Female Sociopath

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My experience with a female sociopath was very similar to yours. Please remember that you are not alone in what you experienced.
There is something that I think it is important for you to know as you begin your healing process, this could be an additional shock if you are not prepared for it. I’ll share my experiences in this regard, and you can determine how this could impact you.

After my female sociopath (“M.”) discarded me, my best friend of 30+ years and his wife (I had known her for 24+ years) did not believe my story…they said that this was a normal breakup and I should not be saying bad things about M. They had met her several times, over lunch at restaurants, during the 7+ months that I “dated” M. My friends said: we met her, she’s nice, you (me) are either lying about her or you’re crazy (note that “crazy” is not a clinical term, shows how little they know about mental health). My best friend then(verbally) tore me to pieces, telling me that after a few months I should be over it. Needless to say, they are now former friends. Part of the reason this happened is that M. had been in contact with them and she was able to convince them that I was crazy and probably told them that I would be saying a lot of bad things about her but they should not believe me because I was crazy, etc. Ms. was so charming that she could charm the bark off a tree, and my friends believed her totally. They had known me for 30+ and 24+ years, they had seen her at most six or seven times in 2017, they did not know her before 2017. But they believed her over me.

Be prepared for this. The emotional distress over being discarded and then learning that the “relationship” was never real is so intense that some “friends” may abandon you because they are not willing to offer the emotional support that you need. It is times like these when you will see who your true friends are. This can happen in family: I came very close to cutting off an uncle who was uncaring in this regard.

I also found that evangelical (Protestant) Christians were the most likely not to believe me and to be uncaring and harsh to me. Even though the things that I am almost certain that M. did, such as cheating with as many as 100 different partners (well, actually worse than cheating, because I am almost certain now that M. worked at nights as a prostitute–of course I did not know this at the time) while she and I were “dating” are viewed as very sinful by evangelical Christians, the evangelical Christians told me that I was the person in the wrong for saying bad things about M. So you may also find that if you have friends and family members of any particular religion, you will find out which of them truly believe and live the tenets of their faith. Turning “friends” and family members against the victim is something that sociopaths love to do, it is part of the collateral damage.

Don’t let anyone tell you what your recovery timetable should be.

If anyone tries to tell you (as happened to me) that this just a normal breakup and that you are wrong in your beliefs about what happened, tell them (as I did): hey, I could be wrong but it works both ways, what she did and does could be even more terrible than what I believe. Not having consciences, sociopaths can and do do the unthinkable.

M. “dated: me for 7+ months in 2017 (this is what I believe) to help hide from her friends and family that she was transitioning to doing a lot more of the “work” I mentioned earlier. Friends, family members, coworkers, acquaintances, etc. would never dream that a woman who has finally found “the one” she has been waiting for all her life would be a prostitute.

Of course I would recommend Donna’s book Love Fraud when you are at a point in your recovery when it would be good for you to read it. This book was very helpful to me.

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