Reply To: The [Sociopathy] Attraction Cocktail

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hi Zoe7,
As Sunnygal says, there are many ways to surround yourself with intimate relationships (intimate does not need to be romantic).
Since my break up with SP back in February, I am in a healing mode and not looking to start dating any time soon.

I am still experiencing cognitive dissonance – e.g. I know this guy is bad, lied about everything but my mind seems to recall mostly the good times we had in the first 18 months – 2 years of our relationship (it was 4 yrs in total and the last 2 years were not good. There was a lot of gas lighting and boundary violation, yet my mind still focuses on good times only). So until these symptoms are gone, I do not believe I am ready to date.

Having said that, I’ve been surrounding myself with nurturing supportive relationships:
– trusted friends;
– my son;
– making new friendships with people who did not know SP when he was in my life.
I am engaging in self care: taking up old hobbies again; learning a new sport I’ve always wanted to learn. This also will be a good way to meet people as opposed to online. I’ve wrote a bucket list for travel (I put all my travel plans on hold whilst with SP, waiting for him) and ticked some of it off. Trying to lead a healthy lifestyle. I also need to rebuild professionally so dating right now is not a priority.

What I recommend is to listen to Donna’s course on dating after SP – it helped me greatly and made it clear that I am not yet ready.

There is also a book that should be a must – “how to spot a dangerous man before you get involved”. It goes through various types of exploiters and love fraud. I’ve read the book and wish I could have read it 10 years ago. I would have avoided toxic relationships or spotted them sooner.

I think until I feel that my life is complete without a man and I no longer reminisce about good times with SPs, dating will lead me to another disaster. And that’s something I cannot afford. For my son’s as well as my sake.

An online dating tip: it pays off being vague in your profile as it would be harder to mirror. Also listen twice as much as you tell someone. If things do not add up – ask direct questions (SPs do not like those, if a man gets angry when questions or puts it back onto you, run).

Re Alpha Males: the real ones are not likely to be on a singles scene. If they are – they do not need to tell how great they are or dominate. They are very comfortable with themselves. They do not “kiss and tell” about exes, do not blame prior business partners and certainly do not try and sponge off a woman. All I am saying, when we are told stories, it pays off to verify them early and do some digging. Also no if no information turns up (e.g. no LinkedIn, Facebook, etc) – it is a major red flag. I’d also try and meet some of his friends/family early, to see if any red flags come up. If a man over 40 still blames his parents/has a poor relationship – it is a warning sign. One should have taken time out for counseling and building bridges (Apart from cases of severe abuse which are not that common).

Good luck and may there be someone special and safe out there for you!

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