Reply To: So unhappy and confused– is it me?



You are welcome. Yes they sound very much alike. Even though I didn’t pay money to live with him I certainly paid in other ways. He used that as a weapon constantly.
Unfortunately, I didn’t really have the courage to leave. I was fighting to stay. The truth is he was just due for another discard. The longest we made it without a break up was 2 years. That was when I moved in with him for the first time in 2013 after being together for 3 years with a couple of break ups in between. He decided to “let me live with him” that first time because I had basically given him an ultimatum. After 3 years of dating I told him it either moves forward or I move away. After 2 years of living with him he started to freak out and told me he felt like he was in jail. He repeated that line this last time among other things. The first round of living with him he cheated on me with prostitutes for the entire first year. I found out by accident when he left his email open on a computer we sometimes shared. When I brought it up he got angry at me and turned it around to be my fault of course. I still stayed. I still can’t believe I stayed for another year, then another discard, then went back, now discarded again. I feel like an idiot.
He is triggered by warm weather and summer for some reason. Each break up before this took place in spring as well. Since he has money, is a good looking older man (64 but looks late 40’s) and is in fantastic shape he can attract much younger women. I’m 45 but whenever we split he enjoys the company of 20-30 somethings. He goes through them like water because of course they are all dumb and boring. He tells me how he can spend all the time in the world with me and never get bored. I’m a bit disturbed about that line now that I’ve skimmed this forum and some of the articles. Seems like a common line.
He has to have a constant supply of compliments about the house, the cars, his appearance, and his long winded stories so he can “make everyone laugh”. Since I’ve heard them all 1000 times he doesn’t get it from me. I got sick of the bragging about the material stuff. He would get annoyed at me if someone came to the house while he was gone and didn’t go crazy over it – even repair men. It’s very ironic that he does this because he is super paranoid about anyone being a gold digger and wanting to take advantage yet he leads with the money. I secretly wished he would lose everything to see if it would change him somehow. It would just be the same on a different scale I think.
So, his claim to fame is having big blow out Vegas style parties at the house with 150 people under the age of 35 running around in bikinis and heels. He insisted on having a couple of them while I lived there of course ignoring me much of the time. I’m a designer and designed that house from top to bottom when he bought it but he absolutely hated giving me credit for it. He loved giving tours and showing it off. You’d think he would be proud of me since I won awards for the design. Most people had no idea what I even did for a living or who I was.
This last run was 17 months. The break up before that I moved back to my home state for 11 months. Now I’m back at home for good (I hope). I considered our relationship to be going well but was blindsided on St Patrick’s day after he spent the day at bars with his younger guy friends. When he came home he told me how he had more fun with them than me. That’s how it started. The following weekend we were at a bar and ran into a girl he had slept with during a previous break up. I had gotten used to this but after the St Patrick’s day declaration I was on edge. So after he came back over to me after being a little too touchy feely with this girl I asked what the deal was. He yelled at me in the bar. “If you can’t handle that you aren’t going to handle the parties this summer bitch. We need to talk. Let’s go”. When I came back the last time we agreed that we would have parties but they would be smaller and selective out of respect for me but that went out the window. So he said we were going to decide in 45 days what the fate of the relationship would be. We talked and tried and yelled etc. He said my confidence was too low and he had damaged me too much and there was no hope so I had to go.
Given the fact that I had bounced my business back and forth twice things were slow. I was just back to a state where I was getting business living with him and had no nest egg. I told him I’d be out on the street and it was partially his doing that my business sucked. He offered me a lump sum to move me out and start over yet again but not without calling me a gold digger when I said I needed more than he offered.
The only contact I’ve had is email and text and only because I had ordered furniture for him for one of his condos that is not in yet and I’m dealing with that as part of the money deal to move. Any contact is business only. No fighting. No whining from either side. He may be shocked that I’m not calling or begging to come back like I have in the past. It is killing me. I’m angry at myself for missing him and only wanting to hear his voice. I get very close to breaking down and telling him I miss him. His birthday is next week and I’m not sure how to handle it. Ignore it? Send a text? I know logically I shouldn’t bother, but there’s still the piece of me that holds out hope.
The only strength I have found is to not call him crying. I am living with my sister for now and it helps having her around otherwise I might break down and call him. I don’t know why I put up with the laundry list of major deal breakers all these years either. I was afraid to stand up to him because he threatened the relationship anytime I tried to put up a boundary.
I’m right there with you. I really hope you can find your way out. Fortunately there were no children involved with us and I can only imagine how tough that is. I’m looking forward to the day when I feel like who I was before I met him. It can’t come soon enough. I wish you strength.

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