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skytteq, it is very good that you have a place (therapy) where you feel comfortable exploring your feelings. I went through something similar with both my narcissistic parents. They never changed, and I had so much anger and hurt toward them. I hit a lot of pillows, threw a lot of rocks at trees, did a lot of screaming, journaling, and talking to the empty chair. Nothing I ever did or said changed them or made them pay more attention to me. But the good news is that once I got the anger and hurt out of my system, I started feeling better anyway. Eventually, I accepted who they were and was able to forgive them.

You may be going through the acute phase of your healing, but it does get easier. Also, be careful when you label yourself as disordered. I was labeled as a borderline personality in my 20’s and that label stuck with me for many years. It felt debilitating, because as I understand it, personality disorders cannot be cured. Then one day a therapist told me that PTSD mimics the symptoms of borderline disorder. I have since come to realize that I was just operating from a trauma response for much of my life. I will never know whether I truly am or was borderline, but by getting through a lot of my feelings of abandonment, I feel like a normal person with feelings nowadays. I have come to accept my tendencies and know my triggers. There is no pot of gold at the end of the healing process because it is a process. But you can come to know yourself very well, love and accept yourself just as you are, and respect yourself enough to release the pent up feelings. Be very kind to yourself and try to find any safe environment where you can let the feelings out.

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