Reply To: Consistent Dreams / Nightmares of Ex

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The missing is very difficult to wrap our minds around. I mean, why would we miss someone who is so very cruel and abusive?

There are a few explanations, not the least of which, is how our entire biology gets screwed up when we experience intermittent rewards and punishments from someone. We get elevated levels of hormones and neurotransmitters, that put on on HIGH alert. We get used to this feeling of ‘highness’. We get used to feeling jittery and on edge, always ready for the next battle. We get used to the reward, when the battle doesn’t happen, and we get a tiny bit of ‘love’ or attention, or whatever.

We ALSO get very biologically attached. The hormones ATTACH us to this person, and also effect our emotional responses to them. Negative and insecure attachment is a POWERFUL thing. It makes us CRAVE any scrap of love we can get. It causes our minds turn back to the abuser for relief.

There is the psychological aspect of hurting SO bad that the ONLY thing that seems like it would make that hurt go away is a little bit more of what caused it (think cocaine). But of course this is not helpful, as a little bit more of a personality disordered person will only make your life that much worse, and THEN you have to start over with the whole process of disengaging.

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