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Reply To: Getting past never receiving an apology

#46896

slimone
Participant

allison123,

The closure you seek comes with time and perspective. It is something you gain, and not something you get from anywhere outside of yourself. Kind of the ultimate test of our ability to soothe ourselves, and heal from the inside out.

When I left the N, after I found out he had slept with numerous other women, he simply, 100%, disconnected from me. No apology, explanation, remorse. He started choosing new targets. He invited me to be his friend, as if this were the logical next step in our relationship. He moved on so easily, without a single tear and regret. To him I was now something in his past. I found out from someone who ran into him a few days after our split that he was talking about me as if I were someone from his distant past.

Ouch.

It is up to us to continually put these relationships into perspective. When I was feeling low, frustrated, angry, and sick of feeling bad, I would read anything I could to help my head and heart understand that I was OK, and that HE was the one who was disordered. I would make it more ‘clinical’, and do whatever I could to depersonalize the situation; understanding that what he did was NOT ABOUT ME. It was all about him.

Same with your situation. You are whole (though beat to crap). She is broken and missing some serious pieces. She did what she did because she is sick, broken, and has no possibility of understanding who and what she is. Because of this she will never realize what she has done, and that she hurt you. She knows it intellectually, and it makes her feel powerful. But she CANNOT know it emotionally, and therefore doesn’t have any negative feedback to help her (as a whole human being) change her behavior.

If you think about it what makes us change is our WHOLENESS; our emotional responses/information (joy, guilt, shame, anger, etc…), our intellect, and our body responses (fight or flight). When one of these is missing or impaired we do not make fully informed choices, and we don’t adjust in ways that are an improvement.

She is missing essential elements that would allow personal insight, and a desire to change. Plus, what she does experience is power, and that only serves to reinforce her horrible behavior. She is an addict to her own feedback system, which floods her with adrenaline and other highly amplifying neurotransmitters.


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