Reply To: I'm on Day 1 of No Contact – struggling..



Ahh the support on here is incredible..

I am currently beating myself up because I broke no contact tonight.. I did really well all day, barely worried about it and then at 10pm tonight the niggling monster in the back of my mind told me .. just ..just call him. Your last conversation was so horrible and nasty… you cold just call him to make peace and go out on a less angry note. … so I did. And it was awful. He was mean, he was nasty, he realised he’d regained control somewhat, and was just awful to me. He’s currently texting me implying he’s met ‘his one’… “I hope you find your one too.x” to which I’ve of course replied asking if he’s trying to tell me he’s found his ‘one’.. and he’s said “Yes. All over her.” followed by three hearts. I know he’s trying to portray it as sarcastic, but it’s actually probably true.. and although it shouldn’t, that does stil devastate me, and I know he knows that.

I now feel gutted that I lost what felt even the smallest bit like the upper hand when I rang him to end it yesterday… and I know I should be kind to myself, because I knew this would be hard and I might break a few times – but jesus a day? I wish I hadn’t done it. He’s shouted at me down the phone all sorts of horrific nastiness… telling me everyone at work (he used to work there) hates me, thinks i”m a loser.. thinks i am not trustworthy.. i don’t think I believe him, but it niggles away at you, those things.. I know he just desperately wants to know and is getting so so so angry I won’t tell him which of his ‘friends’ at work told me about his lies… but I will never tell him. He’s accused me of making it up, lest I tell him… I am proud I didn’t break, but I am so gutted I gave in and spoke to him and engaged in it all night long, texting me horrid things and me responding maturely and civilly hoping against hope for a civil response… that I knew wouldnt come.

Thank you all for your incredibly supportive messages, it gives me so much hope to know other people have done this and come out of the other end happier and I know I have a long road ahead of me, but I hope I make it there…

@kristinan32 – I imagine you’re feeling many of the same emotions I am feeling now. I hope I can support you the way your message is supportive! None of my friends have ever been in a similar situation, so they don’t really understand and often just say ‘well he’s a prick, yu’re better off I don’t know why you give him any of your energy” and neither do I, at an intellectual level, but I have now read enough about narcissists to understand that this isn’t about whether I’m in control of my intellectual understanding of the situation… its emotional. And incredibly difficult to handle. So if you’d ever like to chat, I am here – and congratulations to you for going no contact. I really hope tomorrow I can re-set to Day 1 and keep going strong.

@allison123 – it *honestly* fills me with such unbelievable hope that you are on month 1 of no contact. After the above, I just feel determined to get to 1 month without contact from tomorrow. I want to go to sleep forgiving myself for having called him and engaged with him again, knowing full well the outcome would be bad. It is so hard. I gave him a chance to say such horrible things to me again and to feel like the big powerful man he liked to feel when he hung up on me, or didn’t answer/rejected my calls as he did tonight after the first call when he hung up and I tried ringing back. I am so disappointed inmyself for playing his dumb games… any coping strategy tips you can give me on how to resist the urge? I am desperate to not feel this way again..

@jan7 – thank you – although I let myself down today 🙁 I still try and remember that it was a big step to tell him I wanted it to be over (I had never been the one to break up, it was *always* him) so I feel proud for having reached that milestone at least, even if I fell off the NC wagon today, I know I am still determined to go on, and I have no desire to have him back.

I just feel so desperately sad and upset all the time.Any coping tips for maintaining NC and feeling better that anyone has… please shoot them my way. Survival stories… warnings for how I will be feeling… please hit me with it. I want to be prepared.

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