lf2

Reply To: I'm on Day 1 of No Contact – struggling..

#47105

virgii
Participant

Thank you @allison123 and @jan7 for being so reassuring and supportive. Sometimes being heard is so powerful.

It was the desire to end it on better terms that drove me to be so stupid as to pick up the phone. I wasn’t even too fussed anymore about getting closure – he’d shown me exactly who he is, and a colleague that was very close to him had had the kindness to take me aside and tell me I wasn’t crazy for thinking he had lied to me, and shared with me a time he knew he had done it so my mind could focus on something concrete for once. So I knew, I knew who he was. If I’m being honest about my motivations last night, I had acknowledged to myself it would probably end worse than before, and I’d leave him thnking he still had SOME power if I am picking up the phone to him.. but I mistakenly thought that there was some healing in telling him I forgive him. I also in my heart of hearts was curious as to whether he’d pick up, or whether he was already with someone and would therefore be unable/refuse to …. I knew better, and I did it anyway, and just knowing that I didn’t listen to what I already knew makes me feel better, because it feels like i”m not starting from scratch, in a way.

He told me last night he was going to block me, and I sure hope he does. I have blocked him this morning on all my devices, and set up an email filter in case he tries to email me instead. There is in theory no way for him to get in touch with me now, so I will no longer be looking at my phone anxious as to whether he might text me and try and engage me at all, or jsut say something nasty.

I’m back on Day 1, but I woke up feeling differently today. I am determined to remind myself of the horror that he is, and stick with what I know to be true – as you have said – he is evil, he cannot change, he will just want to hurt me more no matter what, and by allowing it I am dancing with the devil. I am determined to not allow him to have any power over my life.

I left my wonderful husband to be with this man. My husband, I know, would love to try and work things out. He is the most wonderful, kind, patient man I’ve ever met and doesn’t have a bad bone in his body. I was enthralled by the charm, the feeling of excitement, the promises of the narcissist. I was lured into a false sense ot happiness and security that made me leave what I thought was a good relationship, that I was happy in, but it was never this intense or this filled with excitement… I gave in to something and I do feel stupid, but I also know it isn’t my fault and I am human. But I know I am unlike a lot of people incredibly lucky to have the comparison of a love from a man that would support me and love me no matter what, and that still wants to, and I am now determined to really commit to healing from this episode in my life that I know will carry trauma for a long time but I hope to heal enough to not want to feel numb and to let my husband back in to my heart eventually because I now understand and value what real love and a real relationship of mutual support feels like- and I had it all along.

I hope the hurt and the abuse I went through with the narcissist will become a blip, an unpleasant incident that I barely remember somewhere down the line. I know he will never be happy, and that does comfort me a bit, because I know I can and will be again one day. But until then I am so so so grateful for you lot allowing me to vent and hurt and get it all out, and for giving me your perspectives …

thank you also @jan7 for those helpful tips and resources, I will be looking into those this afternoon to understand how to best help myself.

I am so proud for finally blocking him on everything and choosing to take his power away. Day 1 starts again today.

  • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 6 days ago by  virgii.
  • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 6 days ago by  virgii.

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