Reply To: I'm on Day 1 of No Contact – struggling..



Virgii, your story sounds like my nightmare….I am married with small children and he targeted me at a difficult period in my marriage when I was feeling neglected and alone. The magnetism of his eyes when he looked at me was unmistakable. It was like a tiger ready to hunt his prey. I was thirsty and he quenched my thirst. The attention, the excitement, the sex, the EVERYTHING was like nothing that I ever experienced…even to this day. However, it was an affair…set in a fantasy. Nothing was real. The whole premise of the affair had no groundings or stress imposed by real life. It was an escape…a temporary escape from reality.

I had devised a plan to leave my husband, including renting a flat where I spent most of my days but returned to my children in the evenings. My thoughts were torn between being with whom I thought was “the love of my life” and staying with my husband for the sake of my children. The red flags were there all along, however I chose to ignore them believing that he loved me. The biggest moment of truth came when my husband discovered our affair, and my socio told me to “LIE.” How could my knight be such a coward? Shouldn’t he be willing to fight for me, for OUR LOVE? He continued to encourage me to take steps in leaving my husband, all the while his life remained the exact same. I was slowly ruining what I had worked so hard to build while he continued to “support me” in the shadows.

My worst fear was realized in a movie…Anna Karenina. I had never seen it previously, but somehow, through divine intervention, I saw that movie on a plane ride and realized I was getting played. (If you haven’t seen it, Anna is married with kids, has an affair, leaves her husband for her lover, and her lover leaves her). It spoke to me. When I returned from that trip, he was different, more aloof and I realized it was a love scam. I ask him if there was someone else. “No,” he tells me. Not even 2 weeks later, another woman appears on his social media. Whether it was intuition or divine intervention, I got out. I left him a voicemail about his lies and never heard back from him….

I reached out to him once to wish him a happy birthday (2 months later) and didn’t receive a response. After that I really went NO CONTACT. It was hard for me….I refused to give him that satisfaction. There was my pride. There was my complete loss of innocence and trust in the humanity. How did these people exist and get away with this garbage? How did I become someone’s short term thrill? He got off on messing with a married woman…how many other wives did he covet or seek to covet? There was my disbelief that this happened to me. There was shame in my gullibility. There was relief that it was over and I could pick up the pieces of my marriage and move on.

Except, he came back. A year and a half later….for some more fun. I didn’t give in. He kept randomly reaching out via text. I didn’t take the bait. I forgave myself and him for everything that happened. I needed that poison (and anger) out of my life. But, I didn’t take the bait for several years. Recently, I tried to reconcile with him, and he obviously wanted another taste of our physical connection. I called his personality disorder out, and he didn’t deny it. Via text, he explicitly confessed that he craved the excitement of being with me and “wanted to ____ me” but I’m not that woman anymore. I know this trick. I’ve seen it before. I sleep well at night now. I have self-love, respect and am worth more than some cheap thrills. He almost ruined me once and I will not allow that to EVER happen again at his hands.

So, I blocked him. I have complete power and no intention of going there. They don’t change. They will destroy any woman or relationship. Nothing will make them happy.

Take action to fix yourself and do whatever makes you happy. Find love within yourself and try to understand whether you’re ready and/or willing to give your husband EVERY ounce of you. Go to couple therapy. It takes time to recover from these experiences, but DO NOT give the socio the power that stunts your happiness. Do not reach out to him. Don’t be fooled if he reaches out to you. He only uses people. Don’t let your ego take over and think that you’re somehow special to him, because he’s got 5 other “special someones” on the side. Embrace the quiet after the storm. Let the anger subside, but maintain your strength. Forgive yourself, forgive him, but never forget.
There is healing in finding that peace. The best revenge is living a good and happy life.

  • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 3 days ago by  soulsurvivor.

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