Reply To: I'm on Day 1 of No Contact – struggling..



@soulsurvivor, thank you for taking the time to share your experience. Reading that spoke to me in quite a personal way, because you describe so much of what I was feeling when I met the N.

The stare, the intensity of the look in his eyes, the sex, all of it. It is like reading a description of my experience. And it is hard to let go of, but I keep reminding myself that every look, every tender moment, every i love you was just not real. Not for him. And its starting to hurt a lot less than it did to begin with, so I feel hopeful that I’m no my way to healing.

It’s now been a week of no contact. The last time I spoke to him, he showed up at my house drunk and potentially having done some form of drugs on Wednesday night last week, at 1am banging on the door shouting whether I’m in here with someone. I had blocked his number, and he tried to text me and realised he couldn’t so after his night out decided to come over and bang on my door in the middle of the night…!! I opened the door and stood in the crack I had opened, and just looked at him completely unamused. I was getting on a flight to Canada for my brother’s wedding the next day, and he knew I was going so I think he wanted to make sure I was going to be ‘hooked’ on him while I was away, and wouldn’t get up to anything, or dare move on from him. He showed me the text he sent me before realising he was blocked, and he’d had the gall to text me asking if I wanted to have one last night of cuddling before we ‘break up proper’ to ‘end it right’… honestly. He knew I had wanted to hear that for so long (we hadn’t spent a night together in over 2 months since he started pushing me away and discarding me) and I know he was trying to reel me back in because I had finally decided to stop contacting him and try and move on. I’d called him out on being a liar and me having found out through a mutual colleague that he had in fact definitely lied to me in the days leading up to this so he knew I was no longer willing to put up with his shit, and I felt so sad that even then as he came to my house int he middle of the night, drunk and banging down my door I felt like I wanted to reach out and hug him and kiss him and let him spend the night.. I didn’t, i asked him to leave. And he did. There were a few texts after he left in which I kept asking him to just leave me be now, and he promised to…

And it’s now been a week.

Meanwhile, my wonderful husband ended his sabbatical trip in Europe early to surprise me by arriving in Canada a day after me. He knew I was dreading doing that event by myself with the whole family there, who had attended our own wedding a year before, and I’ve known for a little while that he wants to see if we can make things work, so I was just gobsmacked when he showed up…

my question to you @soulsurvivor is, after the affair with the N, how do you rebuilt your relationship with your husband? I love him, and he’s my best friend, but I’m struggling with the physical aspects of the relationship.. I know he’s being very patient, but I also know he wants to sleep with me and be intimate, and I’m really struggling to have those kinds of feelings because I just clam up and feel so .. I don’t even know. I am still hung up to an extent on the experience of the N, and the way I wanted (and to an extent physically still want) to be with him at times, so it feels quite difficult to be with my husband right now.. I don’t want to lose him or push him away because the experience with the N has made me so aware of what I took for granted and what an incredible man he is, but how do you rebuilt that connection in a more normal way? I know what the N made me feel wasn’t real, and was designed to be impossibly intense so that nothing would ever feel that ‘good’ again but I really want to make this work with my husband, and not recoil when he tries to touch me.. did you go to couples therapy? What did you do?

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