Reply To: How to heal from a sociopath relationship when there's a kid involved? Help

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Thank you so much for taking time to answer my post and to draw out my next moves in this confusing and desperate time of my life. It’s like my emotions are wild elephants running around like crazy inside my own glasshouse of reason. It was to the point, understandable and helpful.

I believe he has mirrored my deepest needs – and some of those are not necessarily very healthy. My need for love, and freedom – and the need to be protected by one person, and one person only – one that I put absolutely all my trust in.

My “quest” into the matter of personality disorders has forced me to take a deep and honest look at myself, as well as the situation – I do not ever want to become prey for another sociopath – and I believe my issues in early childhood and an unhealthy relationship with my sarcastic and overbearing mother (who have changed very much for the better since I was a little girl – bless her!) – have a huge part in why I have chosen to put all my love, trust and compassion in one very good “salesman” of a partner. It wasn’t love makes blind, more like the need for love and protection made me blind.

I do not want to make this heritable, and I believe I will become a better mother by acknowledging my short comings (and by trying to be better/understand/fix them).

It is a foreign land, the way a sociopath/psychopath’s brain and thought pattern works. It makes sense to me that he makes up the rules, while I play by the common sets of rules handed down by society. He has a criminal history and has also – time and time again – mocked and broken the common morale of law and order. He does not play by anyone’s rules but his own, in any aspect of life. BUT he has a terribly good knowledge of the “common rules” – and he uses them to his favor, when he needs to get out of a tight spot or get leverage in a situation. Both legally and emotionally.

I will try to study his moves, but I am so very tired of being a detective and talk to people who have been exposed to him. He has left so many “disaster areas” behind. I believe he has me by the collar because of our son. He knows he could have me chew off my own leg for my kid. He has put a fear in me that I cannot put my finger on or explain. My stomach feels sick when I feel the urge to put down my foot and neutralize the contact. I do not know just what kind of consequences I fear, but I sure know there will be some. And the way my state of mind and lack of power and energy is right now, I just can’t understand how I could fight back – whatever comes my way. I’m very scared, and I don’t know why.

I will take your advice, and I will try to learn more about what his motivations are for playing his game (feeling of power and superiority?), and I will hang up the phone whenever he triggers my buttons and make my heart pound and frustration build – and catch it in the act. Maybe that way I can truly figure out where he has me collared.

I am at a loss when it comes to teaching my son about how his father is really like. I have made it a strict rule to only talk positively about him to my son. He is so much an innocent in this situation, and I sincerely hope that my son will be able to understand in time – by himself… How can I prepare him for the manipulation, the broken promises and emotional hurt he inevitably will be exposed to? And – god forbid – how to I stop my son from potentially fall into his father’s trap all together and become him? Oh, that’s a heartbreaking and horrible scenario and cannot happen!

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