Should I Say Something?

This topic contains 3 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  Sunnygal 8 months, 2 weeks ago.

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  • #39455


    I am dating a man who is married to a woman. They have been “broken up” (living separately, have separate bank accounts, date other people) for several years, but they are still good friends and have gotten back together and broken up several times over the years.

    As he tells me more and more about their relationship, I am beginning to wonder if she is a sociopath. Here are some things he has told me about her:
    1. He felt like he had to earn her love.
    2. She would always have to be right during fights and would only admit to being wrong during ‘I told you so’ moments days or weeks later. He attributes some of this to her being a lawyer.
    3. He felt he may have been taken advantage of by her (and has expressed that his biggest fear in our relationship is that I might do the same someday). He felt he was always helping her out but didn’t feel like he could lean on her in return.
    4. He said she was manipulative.
    5. She wanted to (and did, after they made an arrangement) have sex with other people shortly after they were married while they were living in separate cities. She has had several boyfriends and in rapid succession. One of the things he had trouble understanding was how she could date new people so soon after their breakups. On one occasion she purposely got pregnant with a man, broke up, got an abortion, and a month or two later is now seeing (not sure their exact situation) a man “who is in love with her”.
    6. Any time my boyfriend would start to date other women, his wife would go through a breakup and run back to him. He would always choose his wife over the new woman, which prevented him from getting close enough to really know them and have the ability to develop other relationships.
    7. In college, she ruined her best friend’s law school applications by breaking into her computer. She was caught and arrested for it.
    8. He says that these stories make her sound horrible but that she really isn’t this bad.

    I have never met his wife, so all I know about her is from what he tells me. So I’m not sure if she is a sociopath at all. I have asked if he she treats her other boyfriends the same way, but he doesn’t know. He says her friends lean on her and go to her to solve problems and get help, similar to what she does to him (number 3 from above).

    I have brought up the topic of sociopaths before, as my father was raised by a sociopath and has a sociopathic sister. In fact, my suspicions started because his stories reminded me of things that happened to my dad. But he did not make any comments relating to the way his wife treated him.

    I am wondering if I should say something to my boyfriend. I certainly don’t want to accuse her of being a sociopath if she’s not, especially as I have never met her. On one hand, they have less contact now so maybe it would be better for him to never know. On the other hand, I don’t want her to be able to hurt him in the future.

  • #39736

    Donna Andersen

    aname – I have another take on this situation – are you sure the man is telling you the truth? Why aren’t they divorced?

    I’ve heard of many, many cases in which the man accuses his wife or partner of all kinds of terrible behavior – and she isn’t doing it, he is.

    If this woman is so terrible, why is he still married to her? Are you sure that he isn’t cheating on her, and that she has not agreed to date other people? Why do they keep getting back together? Perhaps because there are no divorce plans?

  • #39740


    She may or may not be a sociopath, but it probably will not strengthen your relationship to bring it up with him. You might consider breaking off your relationship with him, and not seeing him again until he is divorced. You have probably grown close to him, and this may be difficult and painful for you. In the big picture it is likely to be best for you and your future.

  • #39904


    I agree with Donna

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