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This topic contains 32 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  hurtingbadly 2 hours, 55 minutes ago.

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  • #49639

    hurtingbadly
    Participant

    I wanted to share my story in the hope that maybe people can guide me and give me advice. I am so broken and confused, so destroyed.

    I will try to summarise the story in the best of my ability.

    In December 2017 I had an interview via Skype for a job I applied in another country. I was interviewed and I wasn’t offered the job but somehow the person who interviewed me and I started chatting via whatsapp. We were talking quite a lot. After a couple of days, I asked if he was married by any chance to what he said yes. I thought to stop there and then but he went onto say that he wasn’t happy in the marriage, that he felt he had married that person in order to not stay alone and that he didn’t want to spend the next 30 years of his life like this. Married 25 years and 3 children. (10 years back he had moved in with another woman and after 2 months he returned home because of the children). He told me he was falling in love with me, that his heart was mine, that he wanted to live with me, be a couple and that he was serious about me. We continued talking.
    Coincidentally, at that same time I was offered another job I had applied for in that same country where he lives and where he is from and I took it. This job was in a city 300 kms away from where he is. He told me things such as – “being without you is not an option”, “I want to replace my current relationship” (with me) and so on. I really believed what he told me. Thing is that after about 2 months he came to visit me one day and told me out of the blue that he was not leaving his family and was staying. Somehow, we continued talking but during the 8 months I was living there he came to see me a total of 5 times for about 12 hours each time. Many times, he wouldn’t reply to my messages on whatsapp, another time I was talking to him and told him that he didn’t seem to have the initiative to call and that I was feeling things had changed. He hung up on me while we were talking and told me he wasn’t wasting his Sunday listening to things like this. He refused to answer my messages for hours on end and never apologised. Then he went onto say that he didn’t do that to people, i.e. hanging up. There were many times I would see him online on messenger and whatsapp but he always denied talking to others. Even at the start I remember twice when he said he was going to sleep at 11 PM and then I would see him online at 1 AM. He would never ask me how my weekends were or what I did despite knowing I was alone in a foreign country and knew no one. One weekend I was sick and he wouldn’t even ask how I was. He said we were not living together and therefore he didn’t have to ask and that he wasn’t my babysitter. If I had a toothache he wouldn’t ask and he would say he is not like that. He always would say he likes me a lot but when I asked what he liked he would say – I will tell you one day or I’d rather tell you what I don’t like because I will finish quicker. Another day I told him I like him and what I liked and when I asked back he said I had described it very well and that he would use exactly my same words.

    I stayed there for 8 months and decided to go back to my country and leave everything in November 2018. He told me he was convinced we would see each other again and I didn’t really understand how since I was going back home in a different country. After one month, in December 2018 while we were talking one day he told me that the person who was working at his company, which was the position he initially interviewed me for, was leaving and if I was interested in the job. I didn’t have a job at the time and I said yes so this time at the beginning of January 2019 I moved to the city he lives in and where he works to work with him. I must say that he didn’t promise a relationship but he never told me there would be nothing between us. In fact, I came back and there was something going on between us including sex. He always would say he was staying with his family and that this would stay that way. For 2 months he was nice to me although he barely saw me – just maybe once every two weeks. In the office he flirted with me when people were not around and he looked happy to have me here. We went twice for dinner and the last time he said we could go somewhere the next time. And I travelled back home for a week to get stuff from there and he told me “please, come back”. I asked why he offered me the job and he said that it was better to have me here than back where I lived in my country.

    He was with me last time on the 11th of March – sex included. The next day I asked if we could have dinner sometime and he started to be really angry saying we couldn’t have dinner every second day!!! – we had had dinner twice in 3 months. He was talking to me in such an angry state to the point he told me to get off the car and that he was leaving with me or without me in it. I was shaking, in shock not knowing what I had done wrong. The times he would visit me he would spend 1 hour at the most, had sex and soon later out of the door. I felt bad, really bad but kept going.

    Out of the blue a few days later after being together and after spending the whole weekend without answering a single message I sent, he tells me he has a crisis at home and that he has to deal with it and follow a certain order but he didn’t want to share details with me. He mentioned something about drugs with his son but my intuition told me there was something else. He told me it was better to distance the situation between us and to be friends. I insisted and he ended up telling me “yes I met someone very recently and it is serious”. I asked “but you were seeing me” and he said “yes, but not at the same level”. Then he goes home at 11 PM on a weekday and tells his wife about this and the next day he travels to meet the new woman. He told me the wife was very shocked and I don’t know what he proposed to her. He is planning to move out now for someone he met days ago when he had always told me he was staying at home and this was not changing.

    He refused talking to me, walked out on me every time I wanted to talk, shouted and even at the beginning when he was very nice to me one day, he told me he would like to have me in the basement and he would give me food and drink.

    Now I wonder, he always told me he would stay where he is with his family, now he meets someone a few days ago and he leaves when on top of that there are family problems with one of the sons. The other woman married with children too. I don’t know what this has been really and I am leaving this job and country. I can’t work with him anymore and this was a mistake to accept this job. He told me he would hate not to have me in this office because he likes to work with me and have me around.

  • #49646

    Donna Andersen
    Keymaster

    Hurting badly – I am so sorry for your experience. The guy is at the very least, a player, and at the worst, disordered.

    I am glad you are leaving. he will never change and you will never have a fulfilling relationship with him. Go back home and never talk to him again.

  • #49656

    hurtingbadly
    Participant

    But what about the comment ” I would keep you in the cellar and give you food and drink”? Also, he told me he gave me the job because it was better to have me here than in my country and he said he would hate not having me in the office when I said I am leaving because he likes to work with me and having me around. The pattern here serms to be ” have you”….

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 4 days ago by  hurtingbadly.
  • #49664

    hurtingbadly
    Participant

    Dear Donna, I had to write to you. I had to.

    From my post you may know I am alone in the country I am in, no friends and no family.

    I gave this person the resignation letter at the end of March ( although witout signature) that I was leaving at the end of April. He confirmed it in writing, that I would leave end of April. My soul a d intuition told me to leave. I could not continue working there.

    I did tell him I dont want to see him ever again either as a partner, frien as he proposed ( only when it suited him as he already had someone new) or as a colleague. I told him all I think of him and how he played with me and used me.

    Today I go to work and I receive an email from him copying HR and my colleague saying I had to hand in the key today and that my services are no longer needed there although I would get paid for the month of April. I responded by email asking the reason why copying HR. He came to my desk angry and shouted in front of everyone to give the key and leave. I said I wanted a reason. He said he doesn’t have to give me a reason. This with the whole office listening. He switched off my computer and I said I had to close my email. He removed keyboard and mouse aggressively and told me that was the company’ s property. I told him whatever he hadvto tell me to do it in private. He didn’t. He continued talking to me like this in front of everyone. By the way, I continued to do my job as usual even if I informed I was leaving at the end of the month. I asked for a reason to ask me to leave like this. Next thing was ” I will call the police if you dont go now”. The bitch of my colleague, clearly alineated with him said ” yes, I call them. I got my things and he came to the door holding it for me ( I felt escorted like a criminal and I even felt asvhe would push me if I didn’t leave quickly. I couldnt do anything. This is a US company by the way although I am in Germany and Germans working there. He is German.

    Donna, please help me with your insight. I am destroyed.

  • #49680

    slimone
    Participant

    hurtingbadly,

    What is going on is he is having a VERY good time hurting you, his wife, and who-knows-who-else. This is how someone with a bad personality disorder gets a thrill. They manipulate people into making foolish decisions, accepting abuse, and ruining their lives. This gives them a lot of energy, and makes them feel powerful.

    It is how their brains work. They are constantly looking for the upper hand, the position of power, the ‘win’. And what is winning to them horrifies the rest of us. But not them, because they have NO SHAME. They cannot feel sorry for what they’ve done, though they can PRETEND to be very sorry, and get you to come back. When they do this they REALLY hurt you. The more you go back, the worse the abuse gets.

    Even though you acted like the adult, and gave your notice, this was not a ‘win’ for him. You looked too good. So, he had to have you fired and removed. The drama gives him the chills. He loves it.

    They lie about everything, mixing it with little truths, so as to confuse everyone around them.

    Get away, stay away. READ about malignant narcissism. Learn to spot the RED FLAGS.

    Slim

  • #49684

    hurtingbadly
    Participant

    Looking back

    1. I asked what he thought of me at the start. He said ” you are vulnerable”.

    2.When he said he was not leaving his family after making me believe he was falling in love with me, etc I first sent him to hell but then we continued talking. He told me how happy he was that we were talking again, that he liked me a lot and that not leaving his family had nothing to do with me. He appeared to be so happy not having lost me. Then one day he tells me ” you take this because it is better than nothing”.

    3. He told me one day how he could keep me in the basement and give me food and drink.

    4. When I asked why he offered me the job since I was in another country and he could have eadily looked for someone local plus I don’t speak this country’ s language, which somehow it is a requirement for the job he said ” it is better to have you here than in your country” ( so I thought he likes me and wants to have me close, however he used to meet me once every 2 weeks for max. 2 hours) . then when I asked when we would meet he would say ” till next time in 3 weeks” because I had complained we didnt see each other much. When I was going to resign he said ” I would hate not having you in this office because I like working with you and ha ing you around”. Yet, when he met the new woman and told me we could be only friends he also said there was nothing wrong with just saying hello and good bye at work.

    I lost my job by resigning. Did I do the right thing????

    Is he in love with new woman when after meeting her only a couple of times he told his wife of 25 years that he is moving out??? Only in November he had told me that if he wasn’t committed he would grab a hold of me and dont let go because I am a keeper. When I told him that he was seeing the new woman at the same time at me he said ” but not at the same level”. I felt a knife cutting me in two.

    Really, why he gave me that job? Why didn’t he want me to resign? Why he didnt leave family for me and he did now? 10 years ago while married he moved in with a woman for 2 months and then returned home. He did telk me that time he went back because of the children but that now he was staying because he feels respect and loyalty for his wife after so long together.

    I cannot be more confused seriously.

    I lost my job, I lost him, I am alone in this country no one to talk, traumatised about he treated on Monday at work. I cant. I feel I cant make it. I am broken.

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 6 days ago by  hurtingbadly.
  • #49689

    hurtingbadly
    Participant

    That time at the very start….I will never forget….taliking on cam when things were still so nice….we were finishing the conversation….and I was just going to ad something else when suddenly I saw a horrific face and eyes…so angry…saying in such a horrible tone ” how many times do I have to tell you I have to go before you hang up”?”. I couldn’t sleep that night. Something inside me told me this wasnt normal. I was shocked, speechless…now I wonder….did his mask slip???

    That other time when I calmly said that he didn’t seem to take initiative to call. He hung up on me shouting, saying he wasnt wasting his Sunday like this. I couldnt understand what I had done wrong. I pleaded, wrote endless messages, called him in vain. After ignoring me all day the next day he said he never hangs on people. Never apogised. The ” you are vulnerable”. The ” you take this because it is better than nothing” and the ” I would keep you in the basement and give you food and drink”. The recent comments about ” it is better to have you here than in your country” and ” I like to have you around” and ” I would hate not to have you in this office”. Which picture does this give me? That plus having sex with me and shortly after finishing leaving ro then say ” i almost felt awkward leaving so quickly”. He would say he likes spending time with me but never spent more than 2 hours every 2 weeks. Jokingly saying to me ” till next time in 3 weeks” because I had said we met so little.

  • #49690

    slimone
    Participant

    hurtingbadly,

    He did EVERYTHING he did because he has a mental illness called malignant narcissism, sociopathy. There really is no other reason than this. Because of this he has a compulsion to abuse other people. The more abuse they will take, the more he can fool and confuse other people, the more POWERFUL he feels.

    The ‘new woman’ will get the EXACT SAME TREATMENT. He isn’t any more in love with her than he is with his wife, or you. She is just the latest victim of his abuse. Believe me, this is 100% guarantee’d.

    The contradictions in what he tells you are ONLY meant to manipulate you and confuse you. BUT…there is nothing confusing here. The AWFUL things he said are enough for us (maybe not you, yet) to KNOW he is mentally unwell. The horrible things he said and did are WHO HE IS, they are a total reflection of him and ONLY HIM.

    They are not about you. He has an internal need to do the bad things, regardless of any ‘nice’ things he might also say.

    And you know, hurting, that NORMAL people do not say things that are so crazy, and then turn around and say nice things and have sex. It doesn’t work that way in the REAL WORLD.

    He does not live in the real world. He lives in his mind, where he has delusions about what he is doing, how other people are feeling, and what it all means. And his beliefs, his thinking- they are not connected to the reality you and I are living in.

    The thing that also confuses lots of us when this happens is that even though they are truly NUTS, they can hold down a job, have a home, make lots of money, and be quite ‘accomplished’. This is based on their level of intelligence. The dumb sociopaths don’t do so well, the smart ones can be quite impressive.

    This doesn’t mean they are not completely horrible and sick people. It just means they are smart.

    Resigning was the right thing to do. Now get away from him, and NEVER speak to him, answer any of his texts, or have anything to do with him. And start reading about malignant narcissism, how to see it in other people, and how to avoid getting tricked by them.

    I am so sorry you are going through this. However, just get away, stay away, educated yourself, and you will heal from this terrible betrayal.

    Slim

  • #49691

    hurtingbadly
    Participant

    I simply cant believe that someone can tell you that if he wasnt committed he would hold onto you and dont let go, that yoy are a keeper to then tell you in your face while comparing you to the new one that you are at at a different level meaning I was nothing. How that Friday when I was going home he said ” don’t worry, don’t work yourself up, don’t overthink because I havent made a decision yet about not seeing you, I havent said no to you yet”. I was hopeful….then I found out that that very same day he was meeting the other one and a few days later he said ” when it became clear that things were mutual with her I stopped seeing you”….meaning clearly that he waited till he was sure things with her would go ahead to tell me. Otherwise, he would have kept me there. Still he told me ” we can go for dinner and similar as friends”. It is when I said ” so you were seeing us both” ( we had only been intimate a few days before so he used me till the end) that he said ” but at different levels”.

  • #49692

    hurtingbadly
    Participant

    How do I know he is a malignant narcissist?

  • #49693

    slimone
    Participant

    hurtingbadly,

    I know he is a malignant narcissist because everything you have told us indicates that he is. You NEED to read about these types of people and make the comparisons between his behavior and what you read. He is giving you ALL the behaviors of someone with a personality disorder.

    You will also need to stop not believing that someone can be mentally ill, but not seem crazy. You need to believe that part of this mental illness means that they lie all the time, trick other people, abuse other people, and don’t really understand that they are sick. They really don’t know that something is wrong with them. Actually, just the opposite. They think they are MUCH smarter, stronger, and capable than the rest of us.

    Everything you have written here about him shows clearly that he is TOYING with you for his own benefit and enjoyment. HE is deciding everything about you. HE is defining all the rules. This is classic narcissistic behavior. You don’t really have a say in anything. It is all his game, played by his rules, to benefit him only.

    It is VERY difficult to accept that there are people in the world that are like this. BUT THERE ARE. Upwards of 10-20% of the human population is afflicted with some degree of a personality disorder. Any person living today will have a run-in with one of these types at some point in their lives.

    They can be CEO’s of successful companies, dance instructors, psychologist, priest, mothers and fathers, or yoga teachers. They may look different on the outside, and do different jobs, etc. But, more deeply, they will all have the same basic behaviors and motivations.

    They will lure someone in, make them feel important, become indispensable, then start tearing them down, and then throw them away. Often they will then begin to ruin that person’s reputation. They will also try to draw the person back in, so they can inflict more harm to them. Sometimes they are talking horribly about you WHILE they are trying to lure you back. EVERY time you go back the cruelty, lies, and manipulations will get WORSE.

    I am not trying to talk you into ‘believing’ he is sick. I can see by everything you have written that he is. Listen to yourself. Accept what he has done and is putting you through.

  • #49694

    hurtingbadly
    Participant

    I was with him the last time on the 11th of March. I asked him if it was just sex and he said ” no, because then it would have been just on one ocassion but you have sex with someone you like repeteadly” meaning he did like me. Many times he said he likes me a lo. He said he liked spending time with me, yet he met me only a couple of times for max. 2 hours living in the same city. He said he would hate not having me in that office when I resigned….then why throw me out like a criminal as he did? Same as saying he wouldnt let me go if he wasnt committed to then say I was at a different level…..nothing makes sense…everything is contradictory….last year I had talked to him on the phone and he said I was a replacement to his current relationship, that being without me was not an option. 2 days later he visits me and says he is not leaving his family, that we can be friends…..

  • #49695

    hurtingbadly
    Participant

    Yes, that is exactly how I always felt – that I had no say. Everything was when he said, the way he said. We would meet when he could ( now I wonder if it was when he wanted), as often as he wanted, for the length of time he wanted. I had no say. And like the last time when I asked if we could sometime go for dinner he shouted and said he couldn’t go for dinner with me every second day ( we had had dinner twice in 3 months). I told him we barely saw each other and then he would say ” till next time in 3 weeks’ time” because I had just said we saw each other once every 3 weeks.

  • #49702

    Sunnygal
    Participant

    As slim says, get away, stay away, educate yourself about this betrayal and you will heal.

  • #49703

    hurtingbadly
    Participant

    I keep wondering if he cared about me by offering me the job.

    Then I can’t come to terms as to why he did that in the office to me. No one has given me a reason. I asked HR and they give me silence. They insisted so much on talking to me to see what happened. They called me a week ago. Then they said they would contact me the latest last Friday, then nothing. I cant anymore…the romantic side, the work side, the way I couldnt ans didnt look at his face the day he threw me out of the office. I could only see him through the side of my eyes as I looked down, shaking, not knowing what was going on. Could see his arms holding the door for me to go. The person who offered me that job, who brought me here, who seemed happy to have me here, the person I was intimate with only in March, I will never see him again and my last memory is not seeing his face, shouting, aggressive, telling me he woyls call the police…I am broken, my heart and my soul.

    The day before he did that at the office I had been sending him a few messages. He said he was not reading them and that he was deleting them. I told him I only wanted written communication at work. Then he said that I could give him the key at work and go to hell. I wrote the following: “And I am sorry to inform you that I am not taking your advice. I already visited hell with a sociopath. Now I am going in a different direction. Hellbis just for those who abuse, use, manipulate and hurt others while seeking self gratification.

    Sorry but my ticket is to somewhere else. I made a mistake, got on the wrong train but wise enough to get off now and rectify. You dont have me and I am abandoning you, not the other way arond it. I do not want you as anything, lover, colleague or friend. I dont grant you the honour to be part of my life in any shape or form. You don’t deserve me. Toxic people have to be removed fully. You were simply a mistake in my journey, nothing else.”

    The next day he threw me out.

    • This reply was modified 6 days, 8 hours ago by  hurtingbadly.
  • #49704

    emilie18
    Participant

    hurtingbadly — I understand your pain and bitterness but please know this — you did the right thing. You question why he fired you and threw you out of the office – but the truth is – he was no longer winning. He no longer could exert his power over you. YOU were fighting back and people like him absolutely cannot have anyone do that, ever. So he retaliated in the most obvious, common way – he took what little power he had – as your supervisor – and wielded that like a hammer. He made sure to do it very publicly and loudly so everyone could see he was in charge. And he probably lied, lied lied to HR about you (and everyone else) – thus their refusal to call you back. Now, in his mind at least, he is the winner.

    I hope you can find a good counselor to help you through the pain and confusion. Please know that time and distance is going to help — The further you are away from him and his toxic fumes, the better you will feel – and the more clearly you can think. I agree with what others are saying here — get out, get away, move out of his reach, and don’t give him any more power over you – not in thoughts, in regrets, in bitterness, in words. This is your time to heal. Keep posting here — we ARE listening…

  • #49705

    hurtingbadly
    Participant

    He didnt want me to go. He gave me time to think about it, told me not to rush the decision, told me I was throwing everything down the toilet,, told me he would hate not having me in the office because he likes to work with me and having me around. When he said this I was touched and convinced me but then I told him I dont belong here. He first offered me a serious relationship,used to say ” I want the whole package”…you would have to read all the things he wrote…then I was an affair, just exactly what he always told me he didnt want. Now he meets someone and he offers me to be friends ” going for dinner and similar as friends” he said…all rhe while admitting having seen both of us at the same time but adding ” but at a different level” to then say ” once it was clear things with her are mutual I stopped seeing you” clearly indicating that he didnt release me till the other one was secure. I had been with him on the 11th ofMarch and on the 15th he was meeting the other one. I didnt know at the time and when he told me good bye that day he had the guts to say ” don’t worry, don’t overthink, I haven’t made a decision yet and havent told you no, giving me hope…..so when I realized all what had been going on I said ” enough”….he went from serious relationship to affair to friends….less and less and less….I couldn’t anymore…then he tells me he goes to wife at 11 PM on a weekday and tells her about this new one and moving out and that she was shocked. Next day he gets rhe train to meet the new one ( married and kids)….and when I saw all this I thought ” hell what is this?”. Same time telling me he would hate not having me in the office…and same time saying there was nothing wrong with saying only hello and good bye at work. I even remember one day when I was in the office telling him about the sweet I was eating telling him that it was my favourite…then he said ” hmmm…I thought I am your favourite”, he would look at me in a sweet way, the looks….and then ” hello and good bye” but we could still meet as friends…and I was losing my job…and he nearly convinced me to stay because I did believe he would hate me to go….and then I fought back….and my head spins….and then this in front of everyone at work…my last memory of him…

    What have I been dealing with?

    Why did he offer me the job? I had already gone back home in November after 8 months in this country (these 8 months I was 300 kms away from him) hoping to put an end to everything. I thought if we were in different countries it would be easier to forgey. Although we kept talking in my head I knew I wouldn’t see him again so I was accepting that. Before I left in November hehad told me that he was certain we would meet again. I didnt understand how. 3 weeks later he offered me the job and I took it. When I came here he sais ” You see, I knew we would meet again”. I asked him why he gave me the job and although he said he was looking for someone and I was looking for a job, which makes sense, he also said ” it is better tohave you here than in your country”. I thought he liked me since he wanted me close by. Please, what is the explanation to this? To this story?.

    • This reply was modified 6 days, 8 hours ago by  hurtingbadly.
    • This reply was modified 6 days, 8 hours ago by  hurtingbadly.
    • This reply was modified 6 days, 8 hours ago by  hurtingbadly.
    • This reply was modified 6 days, 7 hours ago by  hurtingbadly.
    • This reply was modified 6 days, 7 hours ago by  hurtingbadly.
  • #49712

    hurtingbadly
    Participant

    One day I go to bed convinced about what he is and has done and the next morning I doubt again the whole thing…I doubt myself and my opinions and perceptions….maybe I am paranoid and he was good after all??? Maybe he cared by offering me the job and then not wanting me to leave??? Maybe I exploded, said I am leaving and I shouldn’t???? I dont trust myself in my interpretation of the whole thing and I need to be sure

  • #49713

    hurtingbadly
    Participant

    Is this somehow weird?? When we were first going to meet in person he said ” maybe you are a sociopath and try to kill me”…..he used the word ” sociopath”??????

    Just wondering and strange because he could have said ” maybe you are crazy” or ” steal my money” or whatever but ” sociopath”???? Steange to pick up just that word. I would think ” psycopath” is maybe more common….but then what? Saying that would mean he knows he is one?

    His exact message “Well you could turn out to be a sociopath trying to kill me while I peacefully sleep dreaming of something innocent”.

    • This reply was modified 5 days, 9 hours ago by  hurtingbadly.
    • This reply was modified 5 days, 9 hours ago by  hurtingbadly.
  • #49716

    Sunnygal
    Participant

    As emilie said, move away from him. Time and distance will help. This is your time to heal.

  • #49717

    emilie18
    Participant

    hurtingbadly – You ask “why did he do this?” “What did he mean” – those are reasonable questions from a reasonable mind. The only problem is — there is NO reasonable answer. If you were dealing with a normal human being you might be able to figure out his motives — he fell in love with someone else; he lost interest in a relationship; he got cold feet — but you are NOT dealing with “normal”. You are dealing with a creature who has no “normal” in him – he is absolutely incapable of acting like a rational, compassionate, empathetic person. His motives will never be fathomable to you – or to anyone who has not studied abnormal psychology. Asking these questions seems reasonable to you – to anyone – but they will never give you a satisfactory answer. The only thing you need to know is — it happened. You were his victim. He is a predator. He will do it again. You need to protect yourself.

    I hope you are reading everything on this site – all the information is dead-on right and you will begin to see – it was NEVER about you. It was ALWAYS about him. HIS power, HIS control. HIS warped sense of fun. HIS pleasure… you are not to blame. You were merely a toy. Asking “why” is useless because you will never get any satisfaction.

    So – please – get away. Get back to normal. Stop giving him power over your thoughts and emotions. One day at a time — it WILL happen – one day you will wake up to realize it’s been hours since you gave him any thought, then weeks, then months.

  • #49720

    hurtingbadly
    Participant

    How do I know I was not dealing with normal?
    And what do I make out of his comment about maybe me being a sociopath and kill him why he was peacefully sleeping dreaming of something innocent?????

    • This reply was modified 4 days, 8 hours ago by  hurtingbadly.
  • #49722

    Sunnygal
    Participant

    hurtingbadly You might look at the Post archives by category and look at Explaining sociopaths. This is at the bottom of the site. They explain what sociopaths are like.

  • #49723

    hurtingbadly
    Participant

    I read too much. People’s opinions help me much more.

  • #49726

    Sunnygal
    Participant

    Learning about how psychopaths behave helps you know if you’re dealing with a not normal psychopath. Some share their experience.

  • #49728

    slimone
    Participant

    Hurtingbadly, You wrote: Is this somehow weird?? When we were first going to meet in person he said ” maybe you are a sociopath and try to kill me”…..he used the word ” sociopath”??????…His exact message “Well you could turn out to be a sociopath trying to kill me while I peacefully sleep dreaming of something innocent”.

    This is called A Tell. He is showing his cards, only in a 180 degree reversal. He is projecting HIS DISEASE onto you. He is also telling you that HE HAS THOUGHTS OF SERIOUS VIOLENCE. This is part of the psychology of a sociopath. They SHOW you and TELL you who they are, but always INDIRECTLY. Always in a way that makes you doubt what you are seeing and hearing. Always in a reversal.

    This is part of the defense mechanism called Projection. Projection is a psychological defense mechanism in which individuals attribute characteristics they find unacceptable in themselves to another person. … In some cases projection can result in false accusations. For example, someone with adulterous feelings might accuse their partner of infidelity.

    In your case he is aware of his own violent tendencies and fantasies and is projecting them onto you. Another sociopath I know did this to me too. He actually went to the police and told them I was a sociopathic prostitute, trolling the internet for innocent men, and taking their money. The police came to my house. It was really awful.

    He stalked me for around 5 years. He is STILL on the internet trolling for innocent women.

    • #49729

      hurtingbadly
      Participant

      Slimone – after that sociopath comment I told him that I didnt like it, that somehow I felt uncomfortable. For some reason something inside made me feel unease so I told him how I didnt like the comment. He said: ” I tried not making you feel unsafe with my sociopath comment. I thought it is too abstract to be seen any other way as a joke”.

      Also, it is very strange what he added ” while I am peacefully sleeping dreaming of something innocent”…why so much description to just say I could be a sociopath????

      After meeting in person the first time he went onto say this:

      “I really don’t want to hurt you or cause distress, both physically or in other ways”. I told him I was somehow scared (not scared of any physical damage to me but more as in feeling he may be wasnt that interested or somehow I felt something not so quite right. He added:”Please. this is important to me. Why am I scaring you? I could not stand the idea of hurting you physically when we had sex, and it is the same mentally.”

      Hell, I thought he really cared about me….did he?….didnt he??

      Then when he said ( this was while we were talking and hadn’t met yet) the comment about having me in the basement and he would give me food and drink.

      Replying ” you are vulnerable” when I asked him what he thought of me. Saying ” you take this because it is better than nothing” when we continued talking after saying he was not leaving his family.

      I really don’t know what to think…..

      • This reply was modified 13 hours, 59 minutes ago by  hurtingbadly.
      • This reply was modified 13 hours, 55 minutes ago by  hurtingbadly.
  • #49732

    emilie18
    Participant

    hurtingbadly — slimone is dead-on right – what he said to you early on is a projection of his true inclinations. Probably he was testing the waters to see if you would react – he TOLD you exactly how he was going to treat you in those conversations. He wanted you vulnerable, “locked up”, willing to accept his terms. Go back and read his words you wrote — it is all there. When you fought back, you were no longer “fun” – you destroyed his fantasies. Good for you! It probably saved your life. He TOLD you he would kill you in your sleep — he just worded it as if YOU were the culprit. As for saying he wouldn’t hurt you – just another lie. That was his agenda all along. These types are NOT human in any sense that we understand. They can pretend – wear a mask – blend in for a while – but not forever. Be glad you are out – and alive. I know it is hard, but do NOT give him anymore power over you by dwelling on the “what if” and “why”. Trust me – he is NOT thinking of you at all. However, if he is true to form, and he gets bored or disillusioned by his latest conquest, he may try to convince you to give it another try. Don’t. The second time around will be even more dangerous.

    • #49734

      hurtingbadly
      Participant

      Slimone & Emilie18 – but he wrote it as if I was the culprit you say….that I would kill him while sleeping…..but seriously….I cant believe it could go that far….when he was talking about not being able to stand hurting me either physically or emotionally he also said that he had noticed it was difficult for me (when we were intimate the first time) but that he saw I had opened up and that this meant a lot to him.

      His messages after we were together:

      “Please. this is important to me. Why am I scaring you? I could not stand the idea of hurting you physically when we had sex, and it is the same mentally.”

      “When you say you don’t know then you do say you are not trusting or believing my words with the same sentence. It would be nice if you would give me some credit, because it does not feel good to be mistrust”

      “I don’t think I gave you any reason for it, and if I did please tell me what I did wrong. If you believe me why don’t you hear what I’m saying?”

      “After having had sex with you and taking in your body language I’m very much aware how much you opened up to me, and it really means a lot to me. So I’m quite aware how far you have come”. “I know that because I paid attention to you. “So yes, I did see your trust and I’m grateful for it”.

      “but I want you to know even if you really let go and open up I would not hurt you on purpose.”

      “I really don’t want to hurt you or cause distress, both physically or in other ways. I’m a pretty good observer. Or however you would like to call it. You protected your body with your hands, probably unintentionally”

      Can I see anything from this conversation? I am too deep into it to see. When I read those words only the feeling I felt at that moment comes to my mind and back then I swear I thought he cared for me so much.

      Also, how could this person possibly come back if he blocked me on whatsapp and threw me out of that office the way he did???

  • #49733

    slimone
    Participant

    hurtingbadly,

    I am concerned that you continue to keep asking “Hell, I thought he really cared about me….did he?….didnt he??”. The answer is NO. NO. NO. NO.

    You also said: I read too much. People’s opinions help me much more.

    These ARE NOT OUR OPINIONS. These are facts about what we know about personality disorders, how to spot them, and how to get away and heal from the TRAUMA you have experienced. We are not telling you what we believe. We are telling you what we KNOW.

    He does not, nor did he ever, care about you. He is MENTALLY ILL. If you read the list below you will be able to put everything you have told us next to most every description listed.

    His mental illness has the following symptoms:

    Glibness and Superficial Charm

    Manipulative and Conning
    They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used. They may dominate and humiliate their victims.

    Grandiose Sense of Self
    Feels entitled to certain things as “their right.”

    Pathological Lying
    Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and even able to pass lie detector tests.

    Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt
    A deep seated rage, which is split off and repressed, is at their core. Does not see others around them as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way.

    Shallow Emotions
    When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises.

    Incapacity for Love

    Need for Stimulation
    Living on the edge. Verbal outbursts and physical punishments are normal. Promiscuity and gambling are common.

    Callousness/Lack of Empathy
    Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others’ feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them.

    Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature
    Rage and abuse, alternating with small expressions of love and approval produce an addictive cycle for abuser and abused, as well as creating hopelessness in the victim. Believe they are all-powerful, all-knowing, entitled to every wish, no sense of personal boundaries, no concern for their impact on others.

    Early Behavior Problems/Juvenile Delinquency
    Usually has a history of behavioral and academic difficulties, yet “gets by” by conning others. Problems in making and keeping friends; aberrant behaviors such as cruelty to people or animals, stealing, etc.

    Irresponsibility/Unreliability
    Not concerned about wrecking others’ lives and dreams. Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause. Does not accept blame themselves, but blames others, even for acts they obviously committed.

    Promiscuous Sexual Behavior/Infidelity
    Promiscuity, child sexual abuse, rape and sexual acting out of all sorts.

    Lack of Realistic Life Plan/Parasitic Lifestyle
    Tends to move around a lot or makes all encompassing promises for the future, poor work ethic but exploits others effectively.

    Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility
    Changes their image as needed to avoid prosecution. Changes life story readily.

    • #49735

      hurtingbadly
      Participant

      Slimone – I wrote this above:

      Slimone & Emilie18 – but he wrote it as if I was the culprit you say….that I would kill him while sleeping…..but seriously….I cant believe it could go that far….when he was talking about not being able to stand hurting me either physically or emotionally he also said that he had noticed it was difficult for me (when we were intimate the first time) but that he saw I had opened up and that this meant a lot to him.

      His messages after we were together:

      “Please. this is important to me. Why am I scaring you? I could not stand the idea of hurting you physically when we had sex, and it is the same mentally.”

      “When you say you don’t know then you do say you are not trusting or believing my words with the same sentence. It would be nice if you would give me some credit, because it does not feel good to be mistrust”

      “I don’t think I gave you any reason for it, and if I did please tell me what I did wrong. If you believe me why don’t you hear what I’m saying?”

      “After having had sex with you and taking in your body language I’m very much aware how much you opened up to me, and it really means a lot to me. So I’m quite aware how far you have come”. “I know that because I paid attention to you. “So yes, I did see your trust and I’m grateful for it”.

      “but I want you to know even if you really let go and open up I would not hurt you on purpose.”

      “I really don’t want to hurt you or cause distress, both physically or in other ways. I’m a pretty good observer. Or however you would like to call it. You protected your body with your hands, probably unintentionally”

      Can I see anything from this conversation? I am too deep into it to see. When I read those words only the feeling I felt at that moment comes to my mind and back then I swear I thought he cared for me so much.

      Also, how could this person possibly come back if he blocked me on whatsapp and threw me out of that office the way he did???

      I didnt mean opinions as in only opinions. I meant your knowledge and understanding especially looking at it from the outside. I do trust what you are telling me much more than what I trust myself right now. That is why I am sharing what happened – for wiser people and people who look at it objectively guide me.

      I was also wondering if humilliating in public as he did in the office is typical of these people.

      I also suppose that when you mention that he didnt care about me you mean he didnt about me and about anyone…or can he care about others? And he didn’t care just about ME?

      • This reply was modified 5 hours, 40 minutes ago by  hurtingbadly.
  • #49737

    slimone
    Participant

    hurtingbadly,

    First off, yes dear, I TOTALLY meant he cannot love anyone. Does not care for anyone. It is HIS issue. His not caring for you has nothing to do with you. It has to do with the way his brain functions. He lacks higher emotional function, and therefore cannot feel love (bonding, loyalty, empathy). So please, don’t worry it has anything to do with what you said, did, look like, etc. He will never be able to love anyone.

    And, what you can take from the conversation you posted is this: HE IS TELLING YOU THAT HE WANTS TO SCARE YOU, THAT HE CAN TELL HOW VULNERABLE AND OPEN YOU ARE WITH HIM, AND WANTS TO HURT YOU AS MUCH AS HE CAN.

    He is grateful for your trust because it means you will allow him to get close enough to you to really cause you pain and confusion.

    He is also trying to get you to tell him what scared you, likely so he can do more of it, or change it a bit, so you become even more confused and scared. They are always trying to get information from us, so they can ‘tailor’ their behavior to create maximum pain for us.

    This is the 180 degree thing I was talking about. He is telling you the OPPOSITE OF THE TRUTH. He is lying. They lie all the time. Every time they open their mouths they are lying, even if some of what they are saying is based on ‘some’ truth, the end result will be a lie.

    They lie even when telling the truth would benefit them. They LOVE TO FOOL people.

    Many of these predators will figure out a way to get in touch after they have dumped you, especially if they get bored, or are inbetween targets. What we know about this is if you re-engage with them they will know that you have a very high tolerance for abuse, and they will increase the horrible treatment. You become an even more valuable ‘play thing’ for them.

    This is why it is SO important to cut all communication and NEVER respond or re-engage.

    • #49738

      hurtingbadly
      Participant

      He says “I am a good observer” and I know at some other point he told me he pays attention. It does feel he was examining me, analysing, checking…..really….I cannot believe this.

      Recently, once I moved here again I started to notice how the word “have” was present in all his comments….” It is better to have you here than in your country”, “I would hate not having you in the office because I like to work with you and have you aroundd”, ” I would have you in the basement”….

      Then contradictions – he said he likes to spend time with me, yet he would see me 2 hours max. every 2 weeks. He said he would hate not having me in the office, yet he said there was nothing wrong with only saying hello and good bye at work….I was so convinced and believed him so much that he wanted me here that I was about to cancel my resignation. Something somehow told me he didn’t mean what he was saying, something told me he does not care less if I am there or not.

      He wanted to have the upper hand. In October after a phone call we had I blocked him on whatsaap. Then he blocked me too. But I did first. Straight away he sent me an email saying “are you angry that I blocked you first before you could block me”?. I was speechless. I had blocked gim first but I just couldn’t believe that all he could care about is who did first or second. I was simply hurt. Who blocked who was so irrelevant to me and he tried to confuse me making me believe it was him who blocked me. But there and then I comprehended he only cared about winning. I suppose throwing me out of the office despite me having resigned already was more of the same. Only thing he did it in public humilliating me in front of everyone.

      • This reply was modified 2 hours, 54 minutes ago by  hurtingbadly.

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