Husband’s rage costs woman her face

This is such a horrible, heart breaking story on the front end, and such a heart warming story on the back end.

You know, I think about this woman having a “face” That is “not her original face” but she is glad to have A FACE. In a way I feel like I am not the same person, don’t have the same EMOTIONAL FACE that I had 7 years ago…but I am so glad that I have a NEW FACE. It may not be as “pretty” looking as the old one, but it sure is much more useful and I have become content in the skin I am in.

It also proves that we must be aware that these psychopaths can seriously hurt or kill us, we must not let our guard down.

I pray for Connie and her family. She is a heroine to me. She is a strong survivor.

There is a similar story, also out of Ohio. In 2007 then teenager Johanna Orozco was raped at knife point, then shot in the face by her boyfriend. She has undergone dozens of cosmetic operations and still has severe scars.

She was recently on “The View” talking about legislation enabling teens to secure restraining orders against abusive boyfriends.

She is trying to reach out, as you are Donna, to teenagers in abusive relationships. She is the teen educator for the Domestic Violence and Child Advocacy Center in Cleveland, Ohio.

For the whole story you can google her name. She is a brave young woman.

How can this woman be soooo lacking in boundaries that even losing her FACE doesn’t make her despise the spath?

He even blames her for “telling” on him. OMG.

Even I have more boundaries than that. If someone hits me, I feel violated. How does a person get to the point where that is not a line in the sand? Women who are beat up and don’t file against the perpetrator, need to go IMMEDIATELY to inpatient treatment and not be released for as long as it takes to learn that boundary.

This is a very sad and extreme story. My heart goes out to her.
Skylar, the power of a spath is sooo powerful that despite horrible things you dont want to accept them. You lose yourself so deeply in their lies and want to forgive them… Hoping all will go back to normal. I remember the first time my spath beat me up. I was in such a state of shock. I was beaten, kicked out of my own home barefoot while he stole and totaled my car… Leading to severe financial damage on my end as he not only managed to total my car but ran it into 2 houses and 1 parked car. When he was arrested he laughed and even sent me a text from jail saying I deserved it all. I couldn’t believe it happened to me. He was not the “classic abuser”. He swore I was the only woman who he had ever done that to. I searched my soul trying to figure out WHAT I DID wrong. I eventually forgave him… And so it continued! Not the extreme violence but the mind games. I learned NOT to confront him as I never knew what would happen. I lost myself through his lies and my desire to really believe he loved me as he said he did. Confrontations with spaths are dangerous…. This story is the perfect and sad example of what can happen.
I know angels exist as my son is proof of that. Without my son I would surely be dead. If not by his hands but by some act on my part like suicide or accidental overdose! My son saved me and allowed me the courage to leave… Losing yourself in the lies is such a scary and dangerous thing.

Sky,

You stayed with your X for 25 years and said yourself you have no boundaries….so really darling, I don’t think any of us need to be casting stones when we all live in glass houses and have allowed our psychopaths to abuse us continually.

Of course she had a horrible outcome and we escaped with less damage than she did. Unfortunately, it is a fact that 85% of women who are BEATEN by their significant others GO BACK…I “went back” to my son over and over, and gave him multiple chances to abuse me again until at last he tried to have me killed. Fortunately I was able to find out who he sent and why BEFORE I got shot….

Every one of us have “excused” the behavior of our abusers and allowed them to continue to abuse us. Maybe it wasn’t so blatant as a fist or a club, but none-the-less, we “forgave” them the abuse and allowed that to rinse and repeat over and over. In your case for 25 years, in my case 30 years +, so I really dont’ see how she is any more “stooooopid” than we were.

As for her not despising the spath afterward, that is also part of the TRAUMA BOND she has with him, and until SHE sees what is going on and HEALS herself, there won’t be any resolution. Not even everyone who “gets away” from someone actually HEALS.

I hope this woman will find LF or some other source of healing though.

Coping,
I do understand. I was with an emotionally abusive man for 25 years, because my parents never taught me boundaries to emotional abuse.

That’s why I said that these women should be taken into custody and TAUGHT that boundary. It should be considered a mental disorder and addressed for their own protection. Just like any other self-harming behavior, it is obvious and noticable so therefore it can be addressed. This could save so many of their lives.

But instead, it’s ENCOURAGED. Women who forgive and enable are encouraged to continue because it seems like the kind thing to do and it keeps families together. Many people think like you do: it was an isolated incident, he really does love her, blah, blah, blah. LIES. This is a spath who feels entitled to bully someone weaker than himself. It always is, there are no exceptions.

Excuse me while I puke.

I wouldn’t have benefited from this kind of intervention because my abuse was emotional and I was completely unaware of it. But if we can address the type of abuse that isn’t hidden, then we can begin to tackle this problem. Why send him to anger management? It doesn’t work. Instead send HER to therapy that teaches boundaries. This way we begin to remove the supply from the spaths.

Oxy,
I’m not casting stones. I’m looking at this from an objective and educated perspective. Not casting blame. Looking for a concrete solution based on OBSERVABLE behavior.

Right now there are dv laws that if the cops are called, then someone goes to jail that day. They are released if the charges are dropped but they can go right back to living together. My brother did this to me. He scratched himself and I went to jail, then he dropped the charges. Anyone can do this to anyone else. No other evidence is needed or consequences occur. THIS IS FUCKED UP.

When a DV occurs, we should do like king solomon did: get to the bottom of it by making sure there are appropriate consequences for both parties. Both parties should be taken away for treatment and evaluation. The truth cannot be discerned by spath cops. A trained professional can ascertain who is the abuser quite easily. Any LF blogger could.

I digressed.

What I’m saying is that there has to be much more intervention than what is currently in place to address dv.

Oxy and others, I would really appreciate some feed back. Those of you who know me, know about last spath relationship with drug addict who wouldn’t work and who let me support him. Some of you have heard me talk about my x military husband, who I always claimed to have forgiven, years ago.

Well, almost out of no where, I find myself obsessing about the long ago with my x hub. I don’t know what to make of this. Is this just a return to something that I hadn’t completely dealt with, or is this just a masochistic, too much time on my hands, kind of thing…..Should I try to snap myself out of it, or should I write through it or what?

That marriage was a massive head spinner….so much cog-dis, and WTF going on. I had a couple of years of therapy, and finally came to the point where I realized I would never know what really happened, and it was wasting so much time and energy trying to figure it out….eventually movd on, but all of a sudden I feel like I’m right back in the middle of the confusion, heart-ache rage and frustration. I’ve been doing a lot of writing, but I’m wondering if this is part of my process, or if I’m being self indulgent. What do you guys think?

Skylar- I see your point however therapy will only work if someone is ready for it. In the case of spaths… That trauma bond must be broken or else it serves no purpose. That must come from within.
I don’t think all “classic abusers” are spaths however those who have been with a spath who has witnessed violence knows it’s a really screwed up scenario. If my ex had ONLY beaten me I would have walked away a long time ago. Again, in my case the violence was limited but on the few occasions extreme. Oddly enough what made me see the light was when jr. Was 5 weeks old and I SAW his abuse. It was only around 20 percent physical and 80 percent verbal/ mind fucks. That’s when I said NO MORE BULLSHIT. Jr. Will NEVER be subjected to any of it and I’m done. Still it was very hard and extremely painful.

Hi Kim,
It sounds to me like you are at a point in your life where you are questioning what you always believed to be true.

I can see how that could happen after spending a certain amount of time on LF. This place is better therapy than therapy, IMO. Being here has made me see patterns in behavior, that a person would have to live a life time to experience. Considering that my spath kept me isolated for 25 years and I missed out on experiencing relationship/ts, LF had been where I’ve been catching up. This is where I’ve gained (some) wisdom, because I could vicariously experience all the posters’ traumas and see the patterns. More importantly, I learned that I could TRUST PATTERNS to reveal the truth.

The most cog/dis I’ve ever had was from my parents. Ick.
I don’t want to post the details of what I figured out about them, but the pattern was there: they are spaths of the most surreptitious kind. I HAD to accept and make peace with that before I could move on and trust myself to protect myself.

It’s possible that you are in a similar situation. By not coming to terms with the truth of your ex’s PD, you still feel vulnerable. If I recall correctly, you have said you didn’t think he was spath? only toxic? I also remember that you were taking some responsibility for being part of a gasoline and fire relationshit and that always struck me as very wrong.

I will tell you what I told Panther when she first came to LF. She believed she was partly to blame for being indecisive about her spath. She couldn’t decide if she loved him or was going to leave him. He accused her of playing him like a yoyo and she admitted that it was true. I told her, “NO, you are not playing him like a yoyo. YOU ARE THE YOYO.” Everything Panther did, each reaction was not coming from her. It was him pulling her strings. These people are manipulative. They leave us without wills of our own.

Kim, I submit to you that you were not in a gasoline fire relationshit. You were holding your candle of light and he was alternately throwing gasoline or water at you. You were under attack. It’s what they do. The fact that they give us moments of respite, makes them look human. That’s part of the facade.

I know it hurts to think of someone you “connected” with as unworthy, but he is. No matter what your own inequities are, they are not those of someone who maliciously destroys with pleasure, but his are.

You also probably don’t want to admit that he was that evil because then you’d have to see how much evil is out there and it’s very frightening. Yep, it is, but you won’t feel safe until you can see it whenever or wherever it presents itself.

Kimmie,

Darling I think when we don’t fully process a relation-shit, it will come back sometimes and “resurface”—it is the “peeling the onion” thing.

If a lion is chasing you and bites you, and you manage to get away from it, but you have a big bite wound, then another lion gets after you, you forget about the wound from the first lion and you run away from the second one. Well, the second one bites you worse and you get away and stop to staunch the bleeding, but the first wound is not your point of interest until you get the bleeding stopped. Maybe by then it is scabbed over, but there is some infection under the scab….that later forms a boil….so starts hurting again.

I think the SERIES OF WOUNDS we have had over our lives have to be addressed at some point. I know I didn’t worry about my egg donor’s emotional abuse until I had “solved” the problems with my son trying to have me killed. I didn’t have time to address those OLD WOUNDS as I was too busy running from the CURRENT dangers.

Skylar, thanks for responding. That marriage was more like being taken hostage, by someone who had once loved bombed me beyond imagination. It was so good I just couldn’t pass it up. I left my home, family and friends to be with him, and almost immediatly he treated me with contempt, but still professed his love.

I lived with him for two years before getting married. The day before our wedding, I over heard him tell his brother he was having second thoughts. I wrote it off as a natural reaction, and nothing more than ‘cold feet.”

I got pregnant on our honeymoon. As soon as I started showing, he couldn’t perform, if you know what I mean. I wrote that off to the pregnancy…my changing body, and his changing role as a father. I figured things would get back to normal, eventually.

He had a very demanding job that kept him away from home until late most nights, (or so he said) and he worked most Saturdays.

I was really loney. We had no extra money, and I was new to the area, I didn’t have friends or family. We fought a lot…until, I just got indifferent. I felt trapped, I couldn’t leave him without enormous repurcussions for the kids, for him, and for myself. I did still love him!!!

So, the unspoken bargain was that when this tour of duty was over, we would make a brand-new start of it!!! I believed that, and hung on to it.

For the last 2 years of our marriage, I quit drinking, entered therapy for adult child of alcoholics issues, and went to university to earn a BA.

I started to get some red flags about his cheating in september of the last year, and by november he had his 17 year old GF in my bed, and at an awards ceremony where he had us in seperate rooms. I even spoke to her. In December I found a note she had written to him, asking if he would still respect her, she’d only been with three married men…(puke)

I have to sign off for today. I will write more tomorrow.

Sky,

You can’t force people to LEARN….it just doesn’t work. If someone had tried to force you to realize that your X was trying to poison you, I can bet the farm you would not have listened. I know I didn’t want to listen even to myself that my son was a psychopath…we learn when we reach a point that we WANT to learn, and not before. Some people NEVER reach that point, unfortunately.

Thanks, Oxy. I have to go, but will post more tomorrow.

Kim,

I understand that “trapped” feeling….like there is no way out that you can take. ((((Hugs))))) be good to yourself.

When the student is ready to learn, the teacher will appear.

Oxy,
If that’s the case then why are we going to the schools with educational materials about spaths?

I don’t believe that people can’t learn this stuff, even while trauma bonded. You can know the truth and still love a spath, but at least you know what you are dealing with.

My problem is that I did not KNOW that the spaths existed. I didn’t know what they were. If I had known, that they existed and what they were like, I would have known my “soulmate” was a spath. All the glaring signs were there, I just didn’t know what they meant because nobody told me.

The poisoning thing is something else that needs to be taught: SPATHS MIGHT POISON YOU. Whether in small doses to keep you ill or in large doses to kill you. It’s very important that people understand that spaths think nothing of poisoning other people.

I met a man who told me that his therapist wife explained to him that most of her patients come in thinking they have a problem, only to find out that they have a spath.

I could see that I had two plus two, but I had no concept of four. So two plus two always remained two plus two. When four was explained to me, then I understood two plus two is four.

Sky,

The point I am trying to make is that ARRESTING women who are abused and trying to FORCE them to “learn” that they are in danger is not going to “teach” them what they do NOT want to learn.

If for example, I am a dictator and I want to teach someone something they don’t want to learn, say my religion, or my political philosophy, if I try to FORCE them to believe it, to learn it, maybe I can a few, but most of the time people will not accept “teaching” that is contrary to what they believe.

These women (and men) who are abused and are trauma bonded to these abusers are like the people at Jonestown, they will BELIEVE the LIE to their last breath. Just like the parents who gave Jeffs their daughters BELIEVED he was “god on earth” and the people at Waco believed in their guru, just like the people who hijacked planes and flew them into the twin towers BELIEVED they were doing right. The men we have in prison in “gitmo” for years still believe they are doing right to kill us all. You can’t FORCE someone to learn.

The old “you can lead a horse to water, but you cant’ make him drink.” You can “preach” to someone til you are blue in the face, but you can’t make them LEARN or BELIEVE.

Oxy,
I didn’t mean arresting them. I mean mandated therapy where they can get a chance to be evaluated and then they can get the information they need to make choices.

Right now, all that happens, is that they drop the charges and go back to the abuser because they don’t understand the truth about the dynamics. Who could understand this stuff without being educated? Not me. It is not an intuitive thing to understand why someone would want to abuse you for loving them. It goes against any rational explanation.

Sky,

“Mandated therapy” is not something that is possible in this country with people who have ALL KINDS of problems–from drugs to alcoholics to kids and adults with serious mental health issues.

My neighbor “grandpa” is seriously harming himself by letting that woman take all his money and leave him without food, water, electric, etc. but he is “legally sane” so our laws do not FORCE him to use good sense or to do what is “reasonable’ or “safe”–every time she gets arrested for public drunk, bad checks etc. he goes and begs money from neighbors etc. and takes it and bails her out AGAIN. His daughter, Me, and others, all tell him she is a psychopath and he is CONVINCED he is going to SAVE her.

He also sends money to Haiti to the guy who calls him on the phone and if he sends another $50 he will SURELY get his MILLIONS OF DOLLARS that is there just waiting for him to send another small payment to get the paper work cleared. When we tell him it is a SCAM, he says we are stupid and we just don’t want him to be RICH!

“Mandated” education doesn’t even work well with kids who don’t want to learn, it sure doesn’t with adults.

Everyone ~ this is why I mentioned the Johanna Orozco story. This young woman is going into high schools, showing her terribly disfigured face and asking the girls if they want to go through what she went through.

She tells them warning signs, ie. does he tell you what to wear, where to go and who to be friends with etc.

I think this type of education is what is needed and sometimes a picture is worth 1000 words.

Absolutely, MiLo, that is a lot more effective than trying to take a woman (or a man) who is ALREADY HOOKED and trying to “educate them” about their specific problem. Getting to them BEFORE they get hooked is the secret….and a girl like that is a great lesson. Even then, some people will see the EXCEPTION in their “psychopath”—-we all have to learn for ourselves in the end.

I don’t think education and information is THE solution. Of course it’s part of the solution, but it’s the victim her or himself who has to connect the dots.

Last year I rewatched the Tenant of Wildfell Hall, a BBC series based on Anne Bronte’s book. I had seen it several times before that. I read the book. But as I watched it last year, it gave me a very unsettling feeling. I saw lots of stuff in how the main character was terrorized by her hedonic husband that seemed very familiar to my own relationship. I was starting to wonder whether my partner was comparable to the fictional character of the husband. But then I pushed it away, thinking of how good he could make me feel at times, thinking of the good stuff. That is what you do while you are in an abusive relationship: see the abuse as just something of that moment, or because of being under influence, a mistake, and the good as the fundamental.

I watched the series again two weeks ago, and this time I could not but conclude that Anne Bronte must have had first hand experience with a spath (it’s said she probably grafted the husband after her own brother who led a hedonic lifestyle and an opium addict). I concluded that my ex was exactly like the husband character, and that both are as they are, not because of drugs, not because of addiction (the addictin is a symptom, rahter than the other way around), and that the husband character is a full fledged spath: narcistic, restless, marrying the best of women and crushing her identity and values every way he can, hedonic, late hours, spending, philandering, …

I had read and even looked up lists on symptoms of psychopathy and sociopathy halfway in the relationship, and yet I was unable to identify my ex at the time as the real thing…

Why? Because it’s so incredibly hard to regard a person you talk to daily, sleep with daily, share your life with daily as a heartless, calculating manipulative actor. It’ the “this can’t be real” syndrome. We know such people exist on a theoretical level. We know and experience that most people are emotional and empathic humans, even if disfunctional. And the spath can disguise his or her disfunctionality so well under the cloak of misfortune and normally ranged disfunctionality, that by the time you realize that he or she is disfunctional beyond the “normal” range you are already too emotionally involved, and the “this cannot be happening” response kicks in. That’s when victims plainly ignore the abnormal and explain it away.

Either the abuser and victim keep relating in a way that the “play act” can continue for a lifetime, or the abuser’s mask goes off, or the victim finds the ability and strength to recogize who she’s involved with and ends it herself. Most of us though only accepted the truth that had been staring in our face when the mask came off. In the case of this poor woman, it came off and she lost face literally.

Once we accept it though, we still need to live with ourselves and the knowledge we loved and fell for a monster, and more importantly how we feel towards him or her now that we realize what they are. The latter is an active choice. We professed to love that person in the past. If we reject them utterly, then it could be argued that we never truly loved them in the first place, and that might feel like admitting self-deception. By continuing to profess love for such a being, a victim justifies the past choices of sticking with the monster even when it became obvious there was something seriously wrong.

For me, the mask came off end of April. I accepted the fact that the man I had loved had been nothing but a lie. I also made the choice that I could not possibly love the man I realized my spath really was, and accept the consequence that I could never have loved the man he really is. I don’t deny myself the love I did feel though, because I recognize that the projection I did love, never existed and not had been an illusion created by me, but by the abuser himself.

I look at people totally different now. I do not go out thinking they have to prove themselves to be human beings with feelings and empathy. I still think the majority are, but I do recognize the very real possibility that a person I just meet may be feigning being humane, and is in fact but an empty shell.

Information is important, therapy is important… but victims have to make the decision themselves to recognize the truth at some point. And I don’t see how mandatory treatment can help with that.

Darwin’s Mom,

GREAT POST! You explain things completely and clearly. Thank you very much for this post. Your concise and precise descriptions are excellent. BRAVO! TOWANDA!

I remember this story, and I’m so glad to see how well she looks and is doing. It is very heartwarming after what she’s been through. I know if it were me, I would have lost my will to live.

Also, I can’t believe this sick f**k only got 7 years and is getting out! WTF is wrong with our legal system? I fear for her life. This really angers me. He should have been locked up for life. What a huge stroke of irony that here is a man who shot two people point blank in the face, and both lived.

I suspect that her forgiving him – whether it’s genuine or out of denial – is a good coping mechanism for her. I’m sure that not far beneath the surface is the rage and depression, but maybe it’s just her coping skill not to go there. I hope she at least recognizes that he is dangerous and does everything she can to stay away from him. You can still love someone but stay away from them because you know they are bad.

Edit: Darwin’smom, your post above is excellent.

This poor woman lived 30 minutes from me. Her husband is released from prison after 7 years and is now living in the family home. He’s contacting all the local media to “tell his side of the story”. His side is that it was all a big accident. He says her face transplant looks beautiful. He’s also very angry about spending years in prison.

http://www.statejournal.com/story.cfm?func=viewstory&storyid=108331

http://www.wtov9.com/news/29247121/detail.html

http://www.statejournal.com/story.cfm?func=viewstory&storyid=108234

roll eyes… he had his chance to “explain”, during his trial. After 7 years, he talks about “poor me mister misunderstood, it was an accident”, but remorse on the results of the “accident” for the woman he professes to love… zilch.

Puke!

This area is filled with people who have been handling guns since they were children, and they were taught how to properly handle them. I don’t believe for one second it was an accident because a responsible gun owner never points a gun at another human being.

I’m more inclined to believe he behaved like my former partner did. He twice waved a loaded shotgun around (and it always managed to be pointed at my chest) so that I would show fear. I’m guessing this lady wasn’t afraid enough or said something he didn’t like, so he blew off her face.

Thomas Culp has told the media that while he was in prison he only had thoughts of taking care of his wife during her recuperation. I take that to mean he wished he could still control her.

Dawn, I hope and pray to God that this woman doesn’t go back to this man and believe his “pity ploy” because that is all it is. He is trying to “wiggle out” of any responsibility for what he did to her. Thanks for these links.

OH MY! This story is HORRIBLE! Although I wanted to read each and every word, I couldn’t, I skimmed over most of it, but did get the message. Here is why:

In one month I will be confronting my ex-spath in the court of law on another 3 charges against him. I have been given a victims statement form to fill out (months ago) and if he is found guilty, the courts may read it out loud. This statement can/will affect the judges decision to extend the no-contact order that is in place if they feel it is required. I have heavily depended on this no-contact as a little piece of mind as I believe if it is lifted, I will once again have him stalking or showing his face or texts.
My dilemna is, as much as I want to write the words I have buried deep in me, I know he will never see it my way and perhaps he will actually get a kick out of the pain and suffering he causes me and my children. I want to courts to know how he has affected us but I can’t see it making any difference to him. Don’t get me wrong, writing it isn’t making me think he will finally change…HECK NO…but I need the courts to understand his devastation but MY FEAR is…if he is found guilty and they read it, will it provoke him to come after me? Will it infuriate him to the point that I too will have to rebuild my face or worse? He IS dangerous…he is mean, sneaky, vendictive and very vengeful. Like a night crawler that sneaks up on you in the dark, when your sleeping so that you cannot defend yourself. It’s been quiet for me and my family (FINALLY)…do I want to poke the sleeping lion? How can I put together a statement that does both: shows the courts I AM SCARED but not piss him off!
He has (for the most part) conformed to the no-contact order, but I don’t kidd myself…it’s just a peice of paper…and paper can be burnt, stepped on, ripped and blown up…
Two nights in a row he has been in my dreams…lastnight I dreamt I gave him keys for my house and then regretted it and frantically ran around trying to call a locksmith to come change the locks. The other night I dreamt that I called his number and he answered and said “game on my dear,it’s game on”…it was HIS voice, that haunting, daunting voice. I know why he is popping into my head, this pending court appearance…
SO scared!

And further to that…even standing up in court and telling my side scares me. There was SO much that happened but now I have put so much behind me. He’ll be sitting there with that STARE…THAT STARE…THAT STARE!!! no eye contact with him will help but I will feel that STARE…
I don’t have a choice in the matter, I have to go. But Holy Moly…it is SO scarey!

Dear Whirlwind,

A couple of questions. Will your victim’s statement get him some JAIL TIME or just the no contact order? If he has at least partly honored the no contact order, he obviously doesn’t completely disrespect it.

I would use HONEST, but non-inflammatory words, and hopefully the judge will “get it.”

I had a situation a few years ago where a man pointed a gun at me as a “joke” but I did NOT THINK IT WAS FUNNY, and I prosecuted him for “terroristic threatening” and the judge didn’t give him any jail time because he thought I wasn’t “scared enough.” The man had some former assault charges and drug charges previously.

So I think you are going to have to show that you have 1) been abused in the past 2) that he has stalked you after the abuse and that 3) you continue to FEAR him. He will probably be mad at you NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY, but hopefully he will respect the possibility of going to jail if he bothers you again.

My psychopathic son will never give up or cease to be a danger to me. My only hope is to keep him in prison by protesting his release on parole….and my egg donor is hiring lawyers to try to GET HIM OUT….and I have no control over her hiring those lawyers or giving him money as she is convinced By him that he has “repented” and I am being a “meanie” to want to keep him in prison. LOL

Though I know he hates me more each time I go to the parole board, I know that if I did nothing he would not love me any more or be less of a danger.

So I think Whatever you do he is STILL going to want revenge, but at least if you have a protective order, the cops WILL MORE LIKELY take action in case he keeps up the stalking. You also may have to consider moving to another area, or taking other evasive action. I know it is difficult to do all that, but I actually fled my home, and I believe to this day it SAVED MY LIFE. I am back home now, but I know if my son gets out I will have to MOVE AGAIN…and leave no trail of where I am. But I also realized that STUFF, including my home and my farm, is just that, STUFF, it isn’t worth dying for.

I read a story written by a Jewish woman whose father realized the Nazis were going to harm the Jews, and was taking his family and escaping. He warned his neighbors and they said “Oh, but what would we do with the furniture, the house?” They STAYED and they DIED, but he left with the clothes on his back and his children and they SURVIVED. So I am not worried about the furniture, or anything else. If I must, I will leave with what I am wearing.

Whirlwind,

I also stood up in court when my Daughter in law and her BF, the psychopath who my P-son sent to kill us were at a hearing for setting their bail after they had tried to kill my son C, her husband. I asked the DA if I could speak to the judge and I got to speak to the judge in court. Later, my son D. asked me if I had seen the judge’s face. I told my son,, “I couldn’t see past the end of my eye lashes, I was so nervous and emotional.”

What ever I said must have been effective though, my son said the judge looked at me, then at the two defendants, then back and me, and then back to them, and the bail was set at $150,000 —“normally” it would have been about $2,500. Needless to say, they did not make bail.

So you stand up there and if you must then READ your statement. Print it out in BIG TYPE so you can see it through your tears/fears. Look at the judge and not at the psychopath. And imagine that the court room is FILLED WITH YOUR LOVEFRAUD FAMILY.

I recently ran into my X DIL at an auction I go to and that she and her current BF show up at once in a while. I have seen her there before. This time, though, I WON THE STARE DOWN and She and her BF left after about 5 or 10 minutes.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!!

Ox Drover:
Not sure if my statement would have a jail time impact or not, no one will tell me that. They tell me that the judge uses it to determine the severity of the offence and need for orders. And yes, he is respecting the no-contact order (now), although he has told me on many times not to bother getting a restraining order as it is nothing but a piece of paper. For quite some time after the order was in place, I know he was around my house, nothing I could pin on him, but I know as things were moved or shifted, things he knew would bother me if moved and little things like how a large rock was in the middle of my driveway and I was the last one in the house at night and knew there was nothing there. Call it paranoia, but I do know how he works.

Your right, he will be mad no matter what. I do know that, but it doesn’t lessen the fear. Guess I will have to just say n do what I think is appropriate all the while watching the words carefully. I like your hint in using honest words, not inflamatory words. I will

WOW – someone pointed a gun at you in FUN?!?! What an oxymoron! See…I need the judge to know that I AM scared and I like the no-contact order as I rely on that for some piece of mind.

As far as moving – I WOULD LOVE TO…I have actually spoken to my kids about this and they both were really upset with me. Their father lives here and they don’t want to have to pick between living with me or him…so I have chosen to stay put and lay low (if you will) for 6 more years until my son graduates. Then I am OUT of this town.

You are very strong to keep going with keeping your son in jail. and how DARE the egg donor fight to get him out…some people infuriate me! It is a horrible feeling to have that hanging over your head…waiting for the day he gets out of jail. But your right, STUFF can be replaced, YOU cannot.

Well, I’ve known this date for a while now, but it is getting closer and I will have to deal with it. I will try to be careful I guess in what i say and I will more and likely write that statement keeping in mind being as honest and not over dramatic as I can. Perhaps I will be able to request that it not be read out loud, but I think I was told that if he is quilty, it is read out…I guess time will tell.

Thanks for your words!

WOW!!! I just saw your last post – T H A N K Y O U !!! i WILL REMEMBER ALL SAID….thanks for making my eyes weepy at work LOL…I will just tell people I was sneezing lol.
Thanks! thanks SO very much!!!

Welll, at least she GOT IT finally! I hope she can STICK TO the NC.

My egg donor even stayed No contact from her to him for almost a year, but then she sent money because she felt sorry for him, and kept on reading his letters until she finally gave in and Patrick, my P son got to her and she is now in FULL SUPPORT of him as well as working toward him getting out of prison. Actually, I think it gives her a REASON TO LIVE to live long enough to get him out of prison.

I just hope this woman keeps up NO contact and doesn’t allow him to worm his way back into her mind and heart. Hopefully her children will support her in that effort….but even that doesn’t always work. My egg donor is the perfect example of that.

It’s so hard to believe that someone you love and only try to help would be capable of hurting you. When I left my husband of 33 years (I was 18 when I married him) he tried to get me to come stay at the hotel he worked at for the 4th of July. He moved me from the room I was to occupy to the top floor right beside the back stairwell. When I insisted on being moved back to the second floor, he again put me right by the stairwell. He also said we weren’t going to go watch fireworks in the crowd but behind a quarry. I believe he was going to have someone hurt me because of the life insurance. I cancelled my reservation and changed my beneficiary and made sure he knew it. I had tried to help this man (an addict) all my life because he had me feeling so sorry for him. He was adopted by a man who sexually abused him (if that was even true) and he was never faithful or good to me. I have been divorced from him for 3 years and he still will call me at work trying to convince me that people are going to kill him because he owes for drugs and attempting to get me to meet him at odd places and give him money. The stay away order the judge put on him 3 years ago after he violated the protection order means nothing to the police and I am going to have to file another restraining order. These people are capable of hurting us more than just emotionally.

Dear Cathyannjones,

Welcome to Love Fraud and sorry that you need to be here, but when you have had dealings with a psychopath, the comfort of knowing you are NOT ALONE and that there ARE people who believe you and care, and understand is priceless.

It does indeed sound like he had plans to hurt you and leave your body somewhere….do whatever you have to do legally to protect yourself and never believe a word out of this man’s mouth again. SAFETY is #1.

Again, welcome to Love Fraud and God bless.

It is really good to be believed and not treated like I’m nuts. I had taken him off my bank account and left him, so I guess he had no more use for me. I can’t believe someone you were with for over 30 years could try to have harm come to you because you’ve had enough but the story of the woman who had her face shot off shows just how much these people hate to lose.

cathy,
believe it. I was with my spath for 25 years and he was getting ready to off me because I told him I was out of money. That is the cherry on top of all the other hell he was doing to me under the radar. I was clueless about all of it.

The woman whose face was shot, didn’t even do anything. The husband thought she was too flirtatious with the customers. The better you treat a spath the more entitled they feel to treat you like shit.

Cathy, it is about control, if they can’t control you they are willing to destroy you to get “even” with you for not allowing them control.

Read here and learn, because knowledge IS power, and we have to educate ourselves about them and about ourselves! Glad you are here…healing is a long journey but it does get easier as you go along, and having friends who DO believe you is helpful…but ultimately we have to BELIEVE OURSELVES! VALIDATE OURSELVES! We are NOT crazy! Just seeing the truth finally! God bless.

Ox

in going no contact with my spath, are you saying i should expect it to get worse before it gets better? that he’ll get more desperate?

i don’t think so. he’s avoidant. i think he’s just going to keep emailing, but that will be it. he’s too chicken shit, and apathetic to do anything else.

no?

How lucky we are to live in an age where medical care like this is possible. The facial reconstruction looks very good. Commendable cosmetic work by the physicians involved.

Superkid,
Congrats on your NC. The yom kippur “atonement” crap is beyond the pale. WTF? He is really pushing the envelope here, requesting forgiveness for things he isn’t sorry for. But I’m not surprised since I’ve seen it done before…

Yes, sometimes the spaths will push the issue when they fail to get a response from you. Be prepared. It will take a bit of time for him to disengage. He may come to your work. Be prepared for what you will say and do if he does. Eventually the contact attempts will get further and further apart.

SK,

Can you BLOCK his e mails? I’m not sure whether he will get worse before it gets better or not, but I do NOT trust “them” any further than I can throw “them.”

I’ve been essentially NC with my egg donor for over 2 years now, off and on for four years, and son C is totally NC with her and she is still trying to find ways to GET INFORMATION about us. I don’t have to “co-parent” with her but I do have to stay in “contact” due to the family trust in which I am a co-trustee…I try to keep most of it by e mail rather than phone, but can’t entirely do that, but she won’t give up even now.

As much as I get to the “nirvana of indifference” even SMALL Contacts SET ME BACK….I know they do….and I work hard to FIGHT that feeling. It seems about the time I get to where I am THERE, then something will happen to break the NC just a HAIR and that is enough to set me back….years ago Aloha and I blogged about how we would drive along in our cars and SCREAM at the Ps like they were in the car with us, telling them everything we wanted to say in real life, but NOT contacting them. I have come somewhat past that point now, but if I don’t watch myself I can get some phrase she/he said stuck inside my head and I WANT so badly to reply….but of course I don’t. But it is hard sometimes, REALLY hard.

So for what it is worth, I would a) block the e mails if you can, b) do NOT READ THEM if you can’t block them. Change your e mail address if you have to. Whatever it takes to keep total NC if it is legally possible.

Good luck! It gets easier at least! (((hugs)))

If I block an email on AOL what will it say to the sender?

Ox Drover

You are right about that. It does set me back. I can’t believe the pain I feel when I see something, hear something, remember something about my spath or his ex-and-new wife. VOMIT.

There are 6 billion people on earth. I’d rather spend my time with some of the good ones.

Superkid

By the way, I use gmail, and I do use it extensively for work. I do not want to give up my gmail account. Yahoo blocks emails but Gmail does not.

I would love to figure out if there is an app for that – to block emails through gmail.

SK – you can create a filter that will dump his email right into your trash folder.

http://mail.google.com/support/bin/answer.py?answer=8151

I also wonder if you can route all email from your gmail through a yahoo or hotmail account that WOULD block his email, and still have it coming and going from your gmail account. (I know you can do it the other way around – using gmail as the routing account.)

I had to give up my work phone line and i didn’t want to. just trying to explain why to my employees sent me in a spin, and i didn’t have the money to get a new line at the time. so i blocked all the spaths known numbers on my handset, including ‘unknown’ caller numbers. I still have the same number and 2 years out i still pause and consider before answering a blocked number ( – it’s never been the spath).

I think the questions are always: are there work a-rounds; and at what point does trying to hold on to our old infrastructure and way of life start costing us more than we are gaining by doing so?