Three years ago, on November 30, 2006, I received an e-mail from Sam Vaknin, Ph.D.
Perhaps you’ve seen Vaknin’s name on the Internet. He wrote and self-published a book called Malignant Self-Love—Narcissism Revisited. He promotes the book heavily online, so if you Google “narcissism,” his website on narcissistic personality disorder comes up on the first page of search results.
Here’s what Vaknin said in his e-mail:
You haven’t responded to my last two e-mails to you. Have I done anything to offend you?
(puzzled)
Take care.
Sam Vaknin
Now, I didn’t remember seeing any e-mails from Sam Vaknin. So I wrote:
Sam,
What emails? I haven’t received anything.
Donna
His reply:
Dear Donna,
I much appreciate your response, thank you.
My e-mail messages to you are probably relegated by your e-mail program to your spam or trash folders.
I wrote to offer to collaborate with you in any way you deem fit. For instance, I can respond to questions about narcissism, or write a short monthly column about the intersection between narcissism and psychopathy.
Here is a list of links which you, the visitors to your Website, and the readers of your (great!) newsletter may find of interest.
His e-mail included 17 links for articles on his website, articles he’s written on other websites, and articles in which he was quoted. The guy seemed to know what he was talking about, so I invited him to send me an article to explain the difference between narcissists and psychopaths. He immediately sent another link to another one of his pages. I read the information and determined that it was poorly written and explained nothing.
So I looked into his background. Right on his homepage was a link to his disclaimer:
The author is NOT A MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONAL. The author is certified in Psychological Counseling Techniques by Brainbench.
Brainbench was an organization that offers online business training and assessments. And his Ph.D., according to his own website, was in philosophy. Delving further into his website, I read his page about Narcissists and Women. Here’s what Vaknin wrote about himself:
I am atrabilious, infinitely pessimistic, bad-tempered, paranoid and sadistic in an absent-minded and indifferent manner. My daily routine is a rigmarole of threats, complaints, hurts, eruptions, moodiness and rage. I rail against slights true and imagined. I alienate people. I humiliate them because this is my only weapon against the humiliation of their indifference to me.
Sam Vaknin, it turned out, readily admitted that he was a narcissist. I decided not to publish any of his articles.
Sam, the movie
Now, Sam Vaknin is star of a documentary called I, Psychopath. The documentary followed Sam Vaknin and his wife, Lidija, as Vaknin was examined and tested by experts to determine if he is, indeed, a psychopath.
It is a world first. As we all know, psychopaths don’t think anything is wrong with them and so are unlikely to seek evaluation or treatment. The only ones who are examined are in prison. But Vaknin voluntarily submitted to the process, and it was captured on film.
We see Vaknin take a personality test and be interviewed for the PCL-R (SV) diagnostic tool. Then we see other experts examine his brain in an MRI machine.
Along the way, Vaknin offered some chilling insights. “Most psychopaths are more like poison than a knife,” he said. “And they are more like slow-working poison than cyanide.”
He also explained proper bullying technique—verbally attack, then back off. Attack, then back off. Eventually, he explained, the victim is done in by his or her own stress reactions.
The documentary also addresses Vaknin’s academic “credentials,” which are, not surprisingly, highly exaggerated. (For Vaknin’s response to questions about his qualifications, see his rant about “malicious gossip.”)
Attacking the filmmaker
The film was written and directed by Ian Walker of the Magic Real Picture Company in Australia. Walker offered a first-person narrative through much of the film, describing his observations of Vaknin’s behavior. “Making a movie with a psychopath,” Walker stated, “Is a little like poking a snake with a stick.”
Slowly, Vaknin turned his verbal abuse on Walker. According to the I, Psychopath web page, “By the end, Walker almost calls it quits on his own film rather than spend another day with its main subject.”
I can understand that. Looking back at my e-mail correspondence with Vaknin, I suspect that he never sent two initial e-mails that he claimed I failed to answer. The “have I done anything to offend you?” language was probably contrived to put me on the defensive right away. Classic psychopathic strategy.
If you want a good look at the behavior of a psychopath, and at research about the disorder, watch this documentary.
I, Psychopath on Top Documentary Films.
Thanks to a Lovefraud reader for sending the link for online viewing.
This film is very important. Survivors please know that it will likely trigger you.
I am troubled by the number of people who want to discount the importance of what we can learn from studying Vaknin based on his flimsy credentials. Ironically this argument against him was first given to me by my ex-sociopath. He discounted the possibility that narcissists even exist based on Vaknin’s lack of accredited degrees. It just doesn’t matter if he even has a degree or not.
What is even more interesting about this film is the glimpse we get into the life of Vaknin’s wife. I highly recommend reading “Women Who Love Psychopaths” by Sandra Brown in conjunction with this film.
For all the self-aggrandizing this man does, none-the-less, I know people whose first introduction to Narcissism has been by finding and reading on his site(s) or reading his book.
While I have the idea that Sam, probably unique among most Ns/Ps, has recognized somehow what is different about him than “normal people” and has uniquely decided to capitalize on it for making a living.
I think he enjoys his manipulations and seems to have more insight into the disorders than the average disordered person, but it doesn’t mean he has any more connection or empathy than the next N or P—he’s just found a new way, an unfilled niche if you will, to fill and make a buck from it…as well as present himself as this “guru” and in spite of all this aggrandizement of himself, he actually has done some educating of people and made them aware of some things about NPD and PPD. So, bottom line, I think “it is an ill-wind that blows no one good.”
I have read his books, etc. He does offer insights.. you don’t need to be degreed to have awareness and insights… there are many that are degreed that are very ill..
I met a famous .. actually infamous psychiatrist that told me that most in the mental health profession get into it to heal themselves.. and there are more suicides in this profession than others because they find out that they can’t. This man visited my house when I was a teenager.. he was one of the fathers of the prefrontal lobotomy. He literally messed with peoples brains and he was way off center himself.. so a degress don’t mean all that.. Vakin offers insight.. I look at him as his own lab rat.
I have to admit that his writing helped me. In particular, his piece about how true love can feel to a narcissist like you are trying to control them and brings out their rage. That made everything really click for me. So I thanked him, and said whatever his intentions, he did help me. He wrote back, but I never answered. Some of his writing is STRANGE and he has served prison time, and I don’t read anything of his now.
Also, I have a sister that is a psychologist and she is off the charts bizarre in her behavior.. now, she appears, great.. but behind that great for those that know.. she is a mess.. she is the most messed up in our family and she as this facade that she hides behind and dictates from..and her kids, her oldest one especially is a mess.. so just because someone has a degree in this field.. doesn’t mean everything..
Style, Vaknin,’s “degrees” are from an internet “by a degree” program I believe. He has NO real credentials for what he proposes to be, he sets himself up as an educated expert, and he is NOT at all. He is out to make a buck and get NOTICED which is what a narcissistic person does and what they enjoy. He likes to be noticed! Making money out of it is only a side benefit.
I can’t wait to watch that movie, but my air card won’t do it so will have to find another way to watch it. I have seen a clip or two off it, but i want to watch the whole thing.
That idiot, Dr Phil, is what — a botanist? Now we’ve got Sam Vankin with his IUDs (internet university degrees, not the birth control device). Is it any wonder people are at times skeptical about the psychiatric profession?
I saw part of this awhile ago but never the whole thing until just now.
I think the scariest part of this video comes at the end where the doctor does a test and has people walk down a hallway – and just from looking at them walking people who are high in psychopathic tendencies can pick out which one
makes a good victim. For someone who has been on the receiving end that is very very freaky to know.
It seriously makes me afraid of my own ability to assess what is safe for me and I want to crawl into a hole and hide and only let a few people in.
It has made responding to anyone that pays me attention really
hard to deal with.
Is this safe? Is this gonna hurt me? Is he playing
with my head? What does this person want with me?
The part of the video where the cat is playing with the mouse – made me want to throw up.
I posted a photo of myself on an internet site yesterday and I have had 200 responses.. and out of that, maybe one that I might have an interest in…in just talking to on the phone..
And when I look through all these men… it makes me sick to my stomach.. as from what they wrote and who they are, they never even read what I wrote.. I stated NO SMOKING, I AM PHYSICALLY FIT EXPECT THE SAME, and no children in the home.. and this one man with three young kids has sent me 8 emails.. then think of the sociopaths.. it is a disgusting state of humanity..
Not to sound like a narcissist or that I have delusions of grandeur.. but my sister with the degree is a joke..
I have more of a handle on how to live than she does.. and have a more successul, morally life..
she almost lost her license for having an affair with her married client while she was counseling them for marriage…
So what VAkin does is like a social service,.. I say learn from him…
there is no one that has all the answers and a degree doesn’t do it.. I have dated and married men with degress from Harvard, Yale, Stanford and so what?
Dear Breck girl,
It is a scary thing to realize finally that the WORLD is full of PREDATORS, and the ones “out to get us” are disguised as HUMAN.
Sort of like that series “V” huh? Or 100 other old movies where you can’t tell the REAL humans from the demons or aliens out to get you.
Fortunately, we are born with “-dar” detectors and what we have to do is to train and hone those skills of discernment.
In reading the Bible where Jesus was tempted by Satan, I often wondered why Jesus would desire those things and actually be TEMPTED, but I see too that Jesus was as we would have been SCARED of what he faced, knowing what was coming, and ANYthing that might have prevented that oncoming torture would have been tempting.
I remember when I was about to go into labor for the SECOND time, believe me I DID NOT LOOK FORWARD to it. I would have done about anything to have been able to just “go to sleep” and have that baby come out without pain to me.
I imagine Jesus felt the same way. I think what the Ps do is to hold out a CARROT to us (theya re good at figuring out what our personal carrot is) and the “stick” is already there….such as (stick) FEAR OF on’t want to spend the rest of my life alone without a person to be my partner and love me. CARROT, I will take care of you and love you and you no longer have to be afraid of being alone and unloved.
Man o man, that is a POWERFUL CARROT, to overcome a POWERFUL FEAR. The P offers to keep us safe and to love us. Who wouldn’t go for that CARROT rather than face a life time alone.
So we JUMP at that carrot before we see it is PLASTIC, and then we are hung because they keep that carrot JUST OUT OF REACH and make us dance and lunge but NEVER QUITE get our hads on it. OMG, IT IS SOOO CLOSE WE CAN ALMOST FEEL IT, but what we put up with trying to get to it, but we just know if we jump a little harder next time it will be in our reach.
The studies done with training dogs to salivate when hearing a bell by ringing a bell then feeding them, the dogs would salivate no matter how many times you rang the bell but did not feed them. They were CONDITIONEd to it. They could’;t help it. that is the exact way I train animals is INTERMITTENT REWARD, and they do not get the reward every time they perform the trick, because if you gave them a reward every time after you stopped they might do the trick once or twice more but they would then say, “well this isn’t working any more” and quit the trick. But if the rewards have been intermittetnt, so intermittent in fact that the reward eventually quits all together, they still continue the behavior because they are CONDITIONED THAT EVENTUALLY THEY WILL GET REWARDED….that’s how a SLOT MACHINE WORKS, you get a few coins every once in a while so you keep on feeding it coins because you are conditioned and expect that NEXT TIME FOR SURE you will get the big reward.
Humans can be condit8ioned with intermittent rewards just like other mammals.
Remember when you were potty training your kid, it was a big deal and s/he got a reward for doing it like a big kid, do you still do that? of course not, you were eventually able to quit rewarding your child for “doing it in the pot” and the behavior continued.
The Ps reward us with “love” ONCE IN A WHILE, but the rest of the time they can beat the crap out of us and we are still wawiting for that reward we just KNOW WILL EVENTUALLY COME IF WE TRY HARD ENOUGH.
I’m here to tell you folks, intermittent “love” and “respect” is NOT ENOUGH FOR ME. i WANT CONSISTENT BEHAVIOR FROM THOSE IN MY LIFE, so I am not going to “dish out” TRUST like it is candy to everyone I meet, TRUST is going to be earned or not gotten at all.