Three years ago, on November 30, 2006, I received an e-mail from Sam Vaknin, Ph.D.
Perhaps you’ve seen Vaknin’s name on the Internet. He wrote and self-published a book called Malignant Self-Love—Narcissism Revisited. He promotes the book heavily online, so if you Google “narcissism,” his website on narcissistic personality disorder comes up on the first page of search results.
Here’s what Vaknin said in his e-mail:
You haven’t responded to my last two e-mails to you. Have I done anything to offend you?
(puzzled)
Take care.
Sam Vaknin
Now, I didn’t remember seeing any e-mails from Sam Vaknin. So I wrote:
Sam,
What emails? I haven’t received anything.
Donna
His reply:
Dear Donna,
I much appreciate your response, thank you.
My e-mail messages to you are probably relegated by your e-mail program to your spam or trash folders.
I wrote to offer to collaborate with you in any way you deem fit. For instance, I can respond to questions about narcissism, or write a short monthly column about the intersection between narcissism and psychopathy.
Here is a list of links which you, the visitors to your Website, and the readers of your (great!) newsletter may find of interest.
His e-mail included 17 links for articles on his website, articles he’s written on other websites, and articles in which he was quoted. The guy seemed to know what he was talking about, so I invited him to send me an article to explain the difference between narcissists and psychopaths. He immediately sent another link to another one of his pages. I read the information and determined that it was poorly written and explained nothing.
So I looked into his background. Right on his homepage was a link to his disclaimer:
The author is NOT A MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONAL. The author is certified in Psychological Counseling Techniques by Brainbench.
Brainbench was an organization that offers online business training and assessments. And his Ph.D., according to his own website, was in philosophy. Delving further into his website, I read his page about Narcissists and Women. Here’s what Vaknin wrote about himself:
I am atrabilious, infinitely pessimistic, bad-tempered, paranoid and sadistic in an absent-minded and indifferent manner. My daily routine is a rigmarole of threats, complaints, hurts, eruptions, moodiness and rage. I rail against slights true and imagined. I alienate people. I humiliate them because this is my only weapon against the humiliation of their indifference to me.
Sam Vaknin, it turned out, readily admitted that he was a narcissist. I decided not to publish any of his articles.
Sam, the movie
Now, Sam Vaknin is star of a documentary called I, Psychopath. The documentary followed Sam Vaknin and his wife, Lidija, as Vaknin was examined and tested by experts to determine if he is, indeed, a psychopath.
It is a world first. As we all know, psychopaths don’t think anything is wrong with them and so are unlikely to seek evaluation or treatment. The only ones who are examined are in prison. But Vaknin voluntarily submitted to the process, and it was captured on film.
We see Vaknin take a personality test and be interviewed for the PCL-R (SV) diagnostic tool. Then we see other experts examine his brain in an MRI machine.
Along the way, Vaknin offered some chilling insights. “Most psychopaths are more like poison than a knife,” he said. “And they are more like slow-working poison than cyanide.”
He also explained proper bullying technique—verbally attack, then back off. Attack, then back off. Eventually, he explained, the victim is done in by his or her own stress reactions.
The documentary also addresses Vaknin’s academic “credentials,” which are, not surprisingly, highly exaggerated. (For Vaknin’s response to questions about his qualifications, see his rant about “malicious gossip.”)
Attacking the filmmaker
The film was written and directed by Ian Walker of the Magic Real Picture Company in Australia. Walker offered a first-person narrative through much of the film, describing his observations of Vaknin’s behavior. “Making a movie with a psychopath,” Walker stated, “Is a little like poking a snake with a stick.”
Slowly, Vaknin turned his verbal abuse on Walker. According to the I, Psychopath web page, “By the end, Walker almost calls it quits on his own film rather than spend another day with its main subject.”
I can understand that. Looking back at my e-mail correspondence with Vaknin, I suspect that he never sent two initial e-mails that he claimed I failed to answer. The “have I done anything to offend you?” language was probably contrived to put me on the defensive right away. Classic psychopathic strategy.
If you want a good look at the behavior of a psychopath, and at research about the disorder, watch this documentary.
I, Psychopath on Top Documentary Films.
Thanks to a Lovefraud reader for sending the link for online viewing.
Dear Cat – I have been doing very well. Like you this place really helped me understand personality traits that are predatory and exploitive. In the process of figuring out about them I learned so much about why I am the way I am. The encounter with the worm snake brought about a huge awareness for me. I looked at my life and the people in it and cleaned house. We will all have bad days, sad things to deal with, that is life. But I can continue with some peace of mind now that wasn’t there before the worm..The past few days I have been kinda out of line on the blog, but i had a blast. I hope I didnt offend anyone. I have been here for almost two years, I am kinda like the house pest, just ignore me when I get silly. I just try to add some humor from time to time.
I was telling a friend today that I am so glad I am at a place in my life and age where I dont have that nagging need to find some one to complete me. Maybe I have become jaded or resigned to living a single life. I have alot of good family and friends, a home, three pooches.. I ama lucky man…
OXY,
Too I did not get triggered by it, it just reminded me a lot of my ex. I thought it brought out a lot of god points and gave us something to look at. I also did not get the walk, but apparently we have it or they could not spot us so easily, remember they are into body language.
I too, am into body language, but appartently not to the extent they are. I think they figure out our feelings by it.
My ex used to say that he liked everything natural, my hair color, everything. I used to get my nails done, it made me feel good about myself, quit because of him. Let my hair grow out and even though I did not feel comfortable, did it because of him. He didn’t like musicals, I love a few of them, quit watching them. We watched basically what he wanted to watch on tv. When I said something about how he controls the remote, he got defensive.
good points is what I meant in the earlier blog
[I personanlly was suprised that his total score was ONLY 18, I figured it would be much higher, 20+ maybe 25+]
They didn’t use PCL-R, which has a maximum score of 40 in testing him. They used PCL-SV, which has a maximum score of 24. So 18/24 is actually high enough to get the psychopath label, it is roughly quivalent to 30/40 in PCL-R.
slimone,
‘the sick illusion that can drag at our hearts’
thank you for this…now i have a phrase for that experience. 🙁
best,
one step
hi stayingsane,
‘possibly addicted to his lack of empathy ‘ hmmm, this strikes some sort of chord in me – lackof empathy in my family, me trying to prove i am worhty…run like a rat on a wheel.
even though my spath was set up as the most empathetic of creatures (esp amongst the other sockpuupets my spath was pretending to be)
but ‘he’ wasn’t really empathetic at all. there was somtehing there, but not real empathy. seemed more disturbed by the problems and vagaries of music and hollywood stars, than the real folks.
best,
one step
one step at a time
Addicted to the possibility of getting something sometime but it never happens but you still hope and have your little dish held up looking for a crumb…..but you end up walking away with nothing devastated yet again.
You are not alone. I think I know what you mean, it’s terrible….yes I think you are right it’s set up by the lack of empathy in your family, you get used to looking for something that does not exist, if you got it by he way would you know what to do with it?
my parents would cry about things that would happen in Hollywood and the news but when I cried they ignored me. I just was ashamed of feeling sad. Still am. So there. there is the weakness the P can hook onto.
I was searching for someone who loved me unconditionally and that’s what he acted out and because I do not know what real love is….and what it feels like I believed this P’s version of it….I do not believe someone who got the real version of unconditional love would tolerate a P for 5 minutes. But I know more about it now , and that’s good.
stayingsane,
I would know what to do with it. I have gotten and given it to friends and animal my whole life.
ashamed of feeling sad -hmmm, will think on that one.
I am ashamed of the mess my life is in. deeply. and not having the resources to get out of it. My anxiety is through the roof. I see the desire to act out against myself coming up.
my downstairs neighbour, whose pot/cig smoking and compulsive spraying of febrreze is sending my chemical load over the edge, confronted me early this am about a lettter written to him about the smoke. it was unsigned – and he is systematically picking on the women in the building and accusing them of writing the letter.
he is a douchebag (my neighbor’s name for him….sigh she’s said it so many times now, it’s seeped into my mind). all slimey and smarmy – said he ‘got my letter’. told him i didn’t send the fucking letter. said he COOULD tell by my repsponse that I did. I said no, I am just sick of your douchebag behaviour. He kept at and I kept lobbing it back. fuckwad. I wish I would have said MORE. Wasn’t calm enough to use any of my newly understood spath gaslighting – but he sure did.
I have never been so angry and scared in life. (not of him – he is an idiot bully – I was putting gardening stuff away and had BRICKS in my hand. Um dude?) I am scared of my lack of resources, scared about my health and financial situation and how difficult i find difficult situations.
arggh, not helpign to write here – am aware that my anger levels are very high and i feel very isolated. just know that i am so much more than this. and i need to both sort it and forgive myself this horrible situation that i don’t seem able to fix.
i am in survival mode. there is flight. and there is fight.