Introducing the Lovefraud Professional Resources Guide

A few days ago on the Lovefraud Blog, readers were discussing the problem of therapists who do not truly understand the sociopath. Here are some excerpts from the online conversation:

Matt says:

That’s the problem therapists who just do not get it. I saw mine the other day and told him I had posted on this site. I told him how helpful the bloggers on this site had been. He started the “if you would come in more often, our therepeutic relationship would allow you to yada yada yada.”

I finally stopped him cold and told him bluntly “Have you ever been victimized by a sociopath? Have you ever had your life turned upside down by one? Because if you haven’t you don’t have a clue what it’s about. You can read all the medical texts you want and you will still never get it.”

Healing Heart says:

My therapist – who is a highly experienced and well-esteemed clinician in the area (I had to pull some strings to get an appointment with her), does not get it. It’s clear. She thinks I’m “thinking in black and white” and “pathologizing” him by saying things like he’s “a sociopath” and “he’s evil.” She thinks that with treatment, he might get better. He’s been in treatment for years—and it’s made him a better sociopath. He now can use psycho-babble to explain his behavior, and repeatedly refers to the trauma in his childhood as what “makes” him do what he does. It gives him a great excuse, which he uses, expertly, in his pity plays. He does have trauma. Bad trauma. But most people have some trauma, and most with bad trauma are not Sociopaths. They may be troubled, but there’s a big difference between troubled and sociopathic behavior.

Rune says:

About your experience with your own therapist, I think one BIG factor is that the therapist is trained to look at the person in the room as the person with the problem. They aren’t trained to consider that the person in the room for therapy is there because they are the mutilated result of the behavior of a truly disordered personality who is not only not in the room, but somewhere out there merrily violating new victims.

Healing Heart says:

Hi Rune – yes, I that’s right “they are trained to look at the person in the room as the person with the problem.” Absolutely. That was a challenge for me with both my friends and my therapist while I was still in the relationship. I’d be trying to get support, and people would ask me, “What’s your part in this? How can you communicate better?” and even say things like, “you need to worry less about his behavior and be more concerned with your part of the dynamic.” Normally that’s useful advice. But when someone is in a relationship with a sociopath, it’s the worst advice! We need to see them for what they are, STOP doubting, judging ourselves, and get the hell out.

To read the entire conversation, go to Radar not for the sociopath, but for the wrong people, and scroll down to the comments dated Saturday, 20 December 2008.

Normal rules do not apply

Sociopaths are not normal human beings. Therefore, therapy that is appropriate for other psychological issues is totally inappropriate when someone is entangled with a sociopath.

Likewise, divorce from a sociopath is not like a normal divorce. It’s not two people going their separate ways; it’s war, in which the sociopath wants to annihilate his or her spouse. When children are involved, it’s not a case in which both parents really want what is best for the kids. It’s about the sociopath using the children as clubs to beat the crap out of the other parent for the next 18 years.

The rules of normal human interaction do not apply when dealing with sociopaths. Unfortunately, not all of the professionals we turn to as we try to extricate ourselves from these relationships understand that.

When we’re leaving a sociopath, we need help. But we need the right help. So today, Lovefraud is embarking on an effort to locate the professionals who can provide it.

Introducing the Lovefraud Professional Resources Guide

For the past five months, Lovefraud has been building the structure of a searchable online database. It includes the following categories of professionals:

  • Therapists (psychologists, psychiatrists, social workers, etc.)
  • Lawyers
  • Child advocates (guardians ad litem, child and family investigators)
  • Private investigators
  • Forensic accountants
  • Expert witnesses
  • Social service organizations

This will be a database of experts who get it when it comes to sociopaths. How will this happen? The Resources Guide will be based on your recommendations. Every professional listed in the database must be referred by a client or another expert on sociopaths.

Yes, many of you have had bad experiences with professionals who were clueless when it came to sociopaths. But others of you have found professionals who believed you, understood what you were talking about and gave you good advice. Those are the people that we want in the Lovefraud Professional Resources Guide.

Cries for help

Just about every week, Lovefraud receives e-mail from people who are looking for these resources. Here are some samples:

“I need a good lawyer who can help me divorce a handsome, charming, Harvard-educated sociopath…someone who would understand, someone who would know how to handle him.”

“She has repeatedly come in and out of my life for the past 17 yrs. whenever she has had the impulse, stating that I am the ‘love of her life’ and subsequently left me emotionally shattered each time. I would like to stop this cycle of appeasement on my end, and heal myself. I wonder if you can recommend any Psychiatrists/Psychologists that specialize in the treatment of sociopath/psycopath relationship victims.”

“I am truly grateful for the information and encouragement your work offers folk like myself. I am from New Jersey, and would like you to refer me and my children to strong custody legal representation, who understand the sociopath and can help me through what has become a bitter battle for our children well being. My son is at risk of becoming his father.”

“I have been to three counselors and to a Domestic Violence Shelter only to find that I am not getting the help that I need. Just last week I was pleading with the Shelter that Psychopaths are the highest manipulators and that I could benefit from group counseling. I had been referred but one counselor indicated that they would not speak about P’s. I know that I need to unravel some items so that I can move forward and I have been to counselors that have helped me in the past on different issues; however, this is so specialized that I can’t seem to find the right place to help me.”

These people, and thousands of others like them, need help. Here is your chance to provide it. If you know of a professional who can be a solid advocate for the victim of a sociopath, please tell Lovefraud.

It doesn’t matter where you are. Sociopaths are everywhere, so resources are needed everywhere. Lovefraud has received requests from all over the United States—Colorado, California, Georgia, Pennsylvania, New York, Florida, Michigan, New Jersey, Illinois, Arizona, Missouri, South Carolina and more states.

We’ve also received inquiries from Canada, the United Kingdom, Ireland, Australia and New Zealand. The Lovefraud Professional Resources Guide will list service providers located in all of these countries.

Please make a referral

Right now, however, the database is empty, except for the Lovefraud author Steve Becker, LCSW.

The database needs your input. So here’s what to do. Go to the Lovefraud Professional Resources Guide. On that page, you’ll find a link and button to make a reader referral. Click it, and you’ll see a short online form to fill out. It asks for the professional’s contact information, and why you recommend him or her.

Once we’ve received your referral, we will contact the professional and invite him or her to be part of the directory. There is a low fee associated with participating in the directory—only $24.50 for the first year. This will help defray the expense of operating Lovefraud (advertising revenue doesn’t come close to covering the costs). We’re hoping the Resources Guide will even generate enough money to fund other projects—like mounting an effort to educate people about sociopaths.

Listings for bona fide social service organizations are free. However, the organizations must still be recommended by clients. Even some people running domestic violence shelters, as indicated by the letter above, don’t understand sociopaths. We want the agencies that do.

Many of you have said you want to help other victims of sociopaths. This is your opportunity. If you know of effective professionals, please submit the referral by filling out the form. Make as many referrals as you can. To help even further, please let the professionals know that you’ve recommended them. That way, when our e-mail arrives, the professionals will know what it is about.

More initiatives

Lovefraud has planned more new initiatives for the New Year as well. We’ll soon be launching the Lovefraud Store, featuring books by our authors and other recommended reading. And we’ll have new authors posting on the blog. One of them is Kathleen Hawk, who has offered insightful comments about her own healing journey after involvement with a sociopath under the user name “khatalyst.” You’ll see her first article on Sunday.

Lovefraud has come very far in 2008, thanks to all of you. I hope 2009 will be even better for all of us.

Happy New Year!

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Reading and learning about sociopaths is healing, at least intellectually, and this site is top-notch for this. I couldn’t help obsessing on figuring out what was wrong with me to begin with that allowed this situation to happen, and this helped to learn how not to let it happen again even though my solution was more to stay away from everyone so as not to have to go through all of the analysis. Therapy was helpful, attorneys and the courts were not . . . what irked me the most was how the debris from the terrible experience is easily turned into industry and jobs for others. No one encourages you to become a dolphin; it is more like they all dog pile on you as though you were a carp.


voidjudgment: Welcome and like Indigoblue says “sorry you are a member of our club) (LOL).

Rest assure, no one is exempt from the likes of anti-socials. I believe we are all fair game. For those that think they are exempt are fooling themselves … the anti-socials just haven’t gotten to them yet. With the way people stick their heads and in the sands and don’t want to get involved because they don’t want the likes of “them” to damage their lives, they too are fooling themselves. They affect all our lives whether directly or indirectly … We all pay taxes and most of these blood suckers are collecting paychecks that come out of our pockets. They are in every walk of life, in the grocery stores, in your churches, schools, book stores, libraries … just open your eyes and you will see them.

I know I side stepped many over the years … could just hear the psycho babble coming out of their mouths and I was history. I knew what they were and usually can spot them … but, my EX was very good at pretending to be a nice, normal guy and whammo … well, it just goes to prove, no matter how much you know about them or how we protect ourselves they are like cockroaches slithering through the cracks to get into our lives.




Hey Donna: I love the concept, and I send up the warning flags. State to state, legislation can make this more complicated. As a person with a great case, no money, and . . . may I say it, . . . a great case, . . . I worry about the technicalities. Perhaps there’s a way of waiving any earlier fees against the significant future fees.

This work is so important, I don’t want to see it derailed for the wak e of a few bucks.


I’m mostly a lurker here, and perhaps I’m a bit weird in my thinking, but what would happen if you had a sociopathic lawyer (there’s plenty of ’em), go up against your sociopathic husband to get a divorce? I mean, I know the danger of being involved with yet another sociopath, but they certainly wouldn’t be susceptible to manipulation like we are.

On that note, any interesting stories of sociopath vs. sociopath?

(Yes, I’m aware that curiosity killed the cat. :p )

Ox Drover

My experience for what it is worth is that my mother’s attorney is at the very least an A$$hole Narcissist, if not a P and he was a formidable opponent because of that. He fought like a banshee against me trying to “save” my mother from an exconvict sexual predator who was after her money.

I have thought about your very question….but I have also seen N and P attorneys that did not listen to their clients either so I don’t know the answer to it. Years ago my husband was “sold out” by his own P attorneys. I think it is probably on an individual (crap shoot) basis which is best!

I just realize that the “Justice System” is an oxymoron. LOL


Thats like the shark tank:) Put Rats In a cage they will eat each other ! Someone said they dont care enough to be manipulated by each other?


Thanks for the responses, glad to know I’m not the only one to have thought about it.

It’s the last remnant of “getting over it” for me, I can’t stop trying to think about ways to get him back, he’s not just a schmoozy, emotional abuser–he’s a thief who will steal from anyone, even his own son. I justify it by thinking that he’s got other victims on the hook (his son being one) and I can help them. I feel like he’s unstoppable and that if I could just help one other person avoid it, that would have made it not a waste of time. His son is not a sociopath, but he is trying to teach him how to lie, cheat and steal. I contacted his son’s mother and she didn’t do anything-I don’t know if that’s because she can’t or she won’t. And that’s really none of my business.

I’ve reported him numerous times to Social Security (he’s scamming SSI with a phony condition, so he’s stealing from all of us.) As far as I can tell, no results.

I keep going back and forth between “move on and forget, but learn from it” and “spare someone else the pain/theft/abuse.” His father is a powerful attorney, so I have to be really careful, but I can’t quite get past the vengeance thing, I was not raised to be a doormat.

Okay, end of rant. Thanks!

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