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LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: He told me I would get addicted to him

Editor’s note: Lovefraud received several emails from a reader who posts as “bluedolphin.” Her emails have been combined into the story below. My comments follow the story.

Well, I am feeling really bad about a situation I have had with a guy since 6 months ago.

I met him over the Internet and he is from another country (both of us in Europe though). We talked about travelling and I told him how I would like to visit the area he lives and he quickly told me to jump in a plane and visit him there, which I thought was weird at such an early stage. Anyway, we started talking on Skype and this was in February.

He told me he had a long distance relationship (gf) with someone in another continent and that they had met twice only. He said they fight all the time and break up every day and that he hates make-up and that he fought with gf every day over her wearing make-up.

All this sounded strange to me. He told me he was a sex addict and online game addict, that he is hostile, impatient, insatiable.

When he told me those things at the very start I thought he might have been joking or not being serious. I really thought the gf wasn’t serious either and some people I talked to even hinted that she might not even exist and that he just made it up so that maybe I wouldn’t be expecting a serious thing out of the “relationship.”

He told me he had met her in October, that they fought all the time, that they break up every day. Then he told me how he had flown to my country to meet a woman for a day only weeks after supposedly having been with the gf. Then he told me the gf was visiting him in March and the minute she left there he was talking to me again and making plans to come over to meet met (and he did meet me only weeks after having been with the gf).

I really thought that either she didn’t exist or obviously he was going to break up at any time. Even when we chatted on Skype I asked him what he was doing and he said “looking for the one.” If he had a gf already, how could he be looking for the one???

As for the other things I didn’t take him seriously, how could I? Someone you just met doesn’t tell you they are hostile, impatient, insatiable, etc. It took me 1 and 1/2 months to actually talk to him on cam (because I didn’t want to and he kept insisting that I did) so I thought maybe since I didn’t want to talk properly to him, and in fact I could have been someone completely different, that he was joking around or not taking things seriously.

Thing is, when he came over to meet me he was so nice and I never thought of those things ever again.

Flew to visit me

When he came over to see me is when things changed for me, as he was very nice with me. We walked along the park, he held my hand, he hugged me and he told me it was a great day with me there. I thought he had been maybe more nasty with me before because maybe he felt he really didn’t even know who he was talking to over the net.

When he returned to his country he sent me messages saying that it was a very nice weekend, that it had been great to meet me, that he was really happy to see I was the way I was and that it was great not to have to be fighting like he apparently does with his gf all the time.

In fact, he told me he hadn’t been that happy in quite a long time and that is considering he came over to me in April and he had been with his gf in March. He said he wanted to meet me again and only the next day we arranged that I would fly to see him in 6 weeks. He told me he was taking me sailing.

Thing is he only wants to spend 36 hours maximum with me because he says he has other things to do and to call his gf because otherwise she gets suspicious if he is missing for too long. This was unacceptable but as it was only the second time we met I thought not to give it much thought as I thought he perhaps wanted to know me slowly and not to spend too much time at the start.

Hanging up on me

He seemed happy that he was going to see me again but weeks before I flew over he started to hang up on me on Skype whenever I said something he didn’t want to talk about. I asked him what he thought of me and he always answered that he doesn’t like me fishing for compliments. He started to give me time limits to talk on Skype, sometimes he would count down and then he would hang up on me. He would tell me I needed to structure my talk and talk about interesting things.

One day he told me he gave me 4 minutes to talk and at minute 3.30 he hung up. Then he said that I didn’t know how to use the time he gave me and that if I wasted 4 minutes like that he wouldn’t give me more next time. It became all really nasty, basically.

I had already bought my air ticket and anyway I was about to cancel it but I flew over. It was only for 36 hours that we met and the day I was leaving I asked him if we would see each other again. He said he didn’t know and then took me to the airport.

I was there saying good bye and he was just there for 5 minutes and I wanted him to stay a bit longer till I left. He got really angry, he looked at my face in such a cold way and told me I was being very clingy and that it was over forever, that we would never talk again. I was so shocked so traumatized. Then he walked away and didn’t even look back.

All my fault

When I arrived he asked if I had arrived safely and we talked on Skype but he still said it was over. He told me that I spoilt things while I was there, that it was my fault.

He said I made him run away, that how I could be so clingy at the airport, he said that I made him pay 3 Euros for parking at the airport when he wanted to go quickly. He constantly told me to change myself, he said how I can undermine his authority, whenever I asked when we can talk he says that he doesn’t know, not now, not today.

He blocked me several times on whatsapp and Skype. He many times told me I am ignorant, a bad listener or that I have bad memory. When I ask questions that don’t suit him he tells me to change topic. He even said I had to make an appointment to talk to him.

Then anyway, we got back talking and so many times when he is not available to talk he tells me that he wasn’t answering because he was having sex with such and such. Even a weekend after me visiting him he told me how he brought another woman to his house and he was doing with her the same things he did with me. Recently, I texted him one day and he said he was driving and that he was f*cking a girl in another country.

Third and last visit

And now, I visited him a third time in his country (and last time for me) because 36 hours is all he offers me and now he even says that it can’t be 2 nights but only one (and this is considering I fly from one country to another spending at least 400/500 Euros for 36 hours).

I touched him with a packet of paper tissues on his head and he got really angry, he told me I have no empathy and that I am crazy, that that was really bad and that he is so sensitive to noise.

I couldn’t believe the way he was reacting plus I told him I didn’t know that about him so it is not like I did it on purpose. He said that the fact I didn’t do it on purpose was irrelevant and that anyone would get annoyed by something like that.

I was trying to rationalise with him till he said that then in order for me to understand he would have to beat me. Hours later we went to the mountains and he was holding my hand and hugging me and looking at me as if there were feelings somehow.

Whenever I ask if we will talk he says that maybe, no guarantee or that we will but that he could be wrong. He is always the one who makes the call. Whenever I call him he doesn’t answer. Today I said to him to call me sometime and he said, “only when I want to!” I asked why I can never call him and he said that I can but then when I asked why he never answers when I call he says, “because I didn’t want to.” And then he said, “appreciate it, that I call you.”

Rough with me

While I was there with him this last time there was a time when he grabbed me in a rough way, I told him he was hurting me and to stop but he didn’t. He had sex with me at that time and I didn’t feel well about it. I was thinking for myself that it felt a bit like being forced somehow.

Coincidentally, the next morning he brought up (out of the blue) the topic of raping. My brother in law had called him months before to tell him that the way he was treating wasn’t right and this guy told me that morning (after grabbing me roughly the night before) that my brother in law had accused him of raping women. I was shocked because I know my brother in law never said this to him and what a coincidence! He brings that up after the previous night I sort of felt that way.

Ok, then, one of these days he told me to watch the scene of Maleficient movie where Angelina Jolie’s wings are cut off. He said: “mind, I didn’t cut your wings off.” I hadn’t watched the movie and didn’t have a clue what this was about and then I read on Google that the movie actually is about abuse and that particular scene is a metaphor for rape. I have no clue what he is trying to tell me but he clearly said he didn’t cut off my wings.

Out of the question

A few days ago he was playing mind games about me having asked if we were meeting again. He used a sentence I didn’t understand and the called me illiterate and stupid for not understanding.

Then, he finally said in such a cruel way that meeting me was out of the question because I push him out of his comfort zone and I interfere with his social network. I said that I will never fly to someone who while I am leaving is telling me that he is glad I am leaving (as he said) and he said “excellent.”

And then I added that I will never fly to someone who threatens me with beating me and talks to me about raping. He responded: “or bondage, huh? and gagging? and fisting? and threesome?”

I said, “you may not meet me because I interfere with your whores but I don’t meet beaters.”

Straight away he blocked me on whatsapp and Skype and that is how it is now. He has blocked me in the past too and then he unblocked me, I suppose because I was after him. I have no clue what will happen anymore.

Addicted to him

Another thing I wanted to mention, as it might be relevant (just things keep coming to my head non stop ”¦ there have been so many ”¦)

At the start he told me that I would get addicted to him. A few weeks down the line he told me that I was actually addicted to him, that I could not stop talking to him and basically that I was addicted but I didn’t know it yet (thing is we both talked). He also told me that I would like him when we would meet and that I would want to meet him again. He was telling me all these things as if he really knew well what was coming ”¦ I don’t know what he meant ”¦ why he knew all this, why he told me even if he knew it ”¦

The girlfriend

And the gf thing keeps haunting me. I keep forever asking myself how he can be so considerate with her that he wants to be there at the times they speak because if he is not she will suspect he is up to something so basically, he doesn’t want her to know.

Well, once he actually told me he doesn’t want her to know because he doesn’t want to hurt her. Then he said that if she does the same in her country it is fine as long as he doesn’t know. I asked him if he would be jealous and that if so it means he loves her. He said, well, it is just sentimental, pure greed, wanting to possess ”¦

On the other hand, he cheats on her non stop. Right, I somehow understand that 2 people that are away from each other and say one of them meets someone in their own place and they have an affair for a little while (still I am not the type of person who would accept that) but just with one other person but this, what he does is sick.

He likes to have sex with strangers, he is impulsive, impatient ”¦ How can he be with his gf in December and fly to a stranger in January? How can he be with his gf in March and fly to me (stranger again) in April? He cheats on her constantly.

One day I asked him if he loves her and he said: “Well ”¦ that is what I tell her and what  I tell myself.” Then he said he just wants to have sex with her more often. At the same time he said he was looking for “the one” as if he was still looking, someone who doesn’t need make up and jewelry to feel beautiful. He is forever talking about how he doesn’t hates make up and earrings on women and that he was breaking up with gf every day because he didn’t want her to arrive with make up when they met.

At one time he said he was thinking of getting married in October and I couldn’t believe it but I think “he was just thinking.” Then another time he said, “well, either she comes here, I go there to her or we break up.” Recently, he said that when two people are frustrated at some point they end up breaking up and apparently the whole thing is because she wants to get married and he doesn’t but I wonder how much more there is in there ”¦ He forever keeps saying that in a relationship there has to be mutual respect, trust and motivation.

Meeting people online

He was registered on two sites to meet people that I know. Recently he deleted his profile on one of them because the gf asked him to but he keeps the other one as gf doesn’t know about it.

He constantly told me they break up all the time, they fight, that there is disrespect, that they have different expectations, that she wants to get married and he doesn’t, that she is too stupid to get a visa and job in his country, that when they are on holidays they fight ”¦ and I kept asking so why are you with her? He said she can be nice.

Nothing makes sense to me.

But at least he travelled to her country twice and she went to his and they spent 1/2 weeks not like he does with me, offering me 36 hours and saying that he cannot even do the 36 and that it needs to be 24 hours next time.

Before this gf apparently he had another one in his town and according to him she broke up because she wanted to get married and he didn’t although he had also told me before that she loved her make up more than him. Then he said that just after that he flew to this new girl to meet her and made her his new gf (the one he is with now).

Question haunts me

One question that keeps haunting me is whether he or these people do this to everyone. I always think how can he behave like this with me and have a gf? Sure if he did this to her she would break up.

Ok, he cheats on her non stop but she doesn’t know that of course, however with me he always kept telling me how he didn’t call because he was having sex with another woman or how he had driven to the country next door for 2 hours to have sex with another or how he had one day 2 blind dates and on and on ”¦ so why does he hurt me like that? When he hides this from gf?

I need opinions

I need the opinions of people who have gone through this. I thought my story could be published on Lovefraud.

I need other people to help me and give me opinions.

I know and I have forever been asking myself why I put up with this behaviour, that is the constant question I ask myself and have been asking myself for the last 6 months and I don’t find an answer.

If anyone told me this was happening to them I would be telling them to run, but I don’t seem to be able to stop this. I feel I am hooked, addicted.

Donna Andersen responds

Hurtingbadly I am so sorry for what you have endured. Thank you for being willing to share so much of your story. Much of what you related may be helpful to other Lovefraud readers.

First let me reassure you: The man is a sociopath, and there is nothing you could have done to make him treat you any better. Nothing you or anyone can ever do will change his behavior.

He’s blocked you good. Use this as an opportunity to establish No Contact. Do not have contact with him ever again. Do not initiate contact. Do not respond to his contact. Make up your mind that you are ending it, regardless of what he does.

Sociopathic seduction

So why did you tolerate his bad behavior? Yours is a classic case of sociopathic seduction.

This man targeted you. He knew exactly what he was doing at all times, and his objective was to manipulate and exploit you possibly for no other reason than to entertain himself.

The basic problem is that you did not know that sociopaths exist, so you did not know how to interpret his behavior. That’s why you did not take him seriously when he told you that he was “a sex addict and online game addict, that he is hostile, impatient, insatiable.” Who says something like that? You assumed that he was joking. However, those may have been the only true words to come out of his mouth.

Everything else he said to you everything, including whatever he said about the girlfriend may have been a lie.

Causing addiction

The fact that he predicted that you would become addicted to him is very telling. He intentionally engaged in behaviors that would make you addicted to him, such as:

  1. Flying to see you, and being nice to you during the first visit. This creates pleasure for you, with is the first step of a psychopathic bond.
  2. Telling you about the girlfriend (which may or may not be true). This has the effect of making you competitive with this woman.
  3. Setting limitations on how much time he would spend with you. Keeping you at a distance, and playing hard to get, makes you want him more. That’s the way our brains are wired.
  4. After being nice to you, treating you badly. This creates fear and anxiety in you, because you want the relationship to go back to how nice it was in the beginning. Fear and anxiety has the effect of making the psychopathic bond stronger. So each cycle of him being nice him being mean getting back together made you more addicted to him.

Emotional manipulation

This man engaged in emotional and psychological manipulation: Criticizing you, setting time limits, keeping you guessing about whether or not he will talk to you, blaming you, getting angry over nothing.

I mean, him getting angry about 3 euros for parking? Or being touched on the head by tissues? That was all meant to establish control over you.

And his statements about not liking make-up and jewelry? I can see two reasons for that. First, he wants to exert control, make you change to suit him. (In fact, if you didn’t wear make-up, he might demand that you do). Secondly, he may be cheap, and doesn’t want to spend money buying a woman make-up or jewelry.

The worst part was when he became rough with you, and then talked about beating you, and then about rape. This man was testing you, trying to see how much you would tolerate.

It could have gotten really bad. I am so glad that you have ended it. Please, have no more contact with this man.

More information

Here are some articles that may help you understand what happened:

Why you weren’t thinking clearly when you fell for the sociopath

Love, sex, your brain and sociopaths

Getting over that amazing ”˜chemistry’

Oxytocin, trust and why we fall for psychopaths

 


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909 Comments on "LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: He told me I would get addicted to him"

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Dear Donna,

Thanks so much for publishing my story here. My initial username was indeed hurtingbadly but for some reason I cannot log in so I created another username “bluedolphin” instead.

I also want to thank you for your opinions and for your wisdom.

I kept asking myself if he is a sociopath/psychopath, a narcissist or what. All I know is that I am badly hurt. Ok, I knew this was coming to an end, it had to as there was no way I could keep tolerating this abuse, which was escalating badly, but also I knew there wouldn’t be a next time to meet so what for? I was convincing myself that I had to finish the contact but in the middle of all it last week we happened to send these whatsapps and that is when he told me that it was out of question meeting me again. He was so cold and so cruel. When I said I wouldn’t meet him either all he said was “excellent”. I could feel the sadism in there (I had only been with him 2 weeks ago). When I told him I don’t meet beaters and people who talk about rape all he could come up with is: “or bondage, and fisting and gagging and threesome” and I was getting hurt by the second till I finally said I won’t meet again because I don’t meet beaters. That is when he blocked me. I didn’t expect this sudden and unexpected blocking at all. At least other times he had warned me he was going to block me, but this time he didn’t.

I am not quite sure what you mean about maybe him having lied about the gf. Do you refer to the fact that he has one or the things he has said about her? I do know he has a gf and I saw her number displayed on his home phone because she called while he was in the bathroom. I know because the country code was showing on the screen (she is from another country) so I do know she exists.

I keep wondering why he treats her much better than he did to me. At least, he doesn’t tell her in her face how many women he sleeps with like he does with me and he always makes sure he is there in case she calls so that she doesn’t suspect so obviously, he doesn’t want to lose her. Then again, he has always talked so badly about that “relationship” saying they break up every day, they fight, he said she is simple minded, that they have different expectations, that she wants to get married and he doesn’t, that she is too stupid to get a job and visa, that she wears make up and he hates that and on and on.

I do have the feeling too all he did with me was just an entertainment. How many times did he tell me he just does things for fun? talks to people for fun and has sex for fun.

He once asked me if I know the cat and mouse game. He even told me one day he was calling me for fun and because he was bored. He also said that I seemed to want his attention and that he felt sorry for me so he called me. Another time I was talking about something to him (cant’remember what it was) and he said that he was using that to manipulate me. And another time I told him that he was the one who found me and contacted me online and he said: “oh yes, another victim”.

My head is spinning badly, I feel depressed, I feel so hurt. The cruelty, the coldness, the premeditation, the lack of empathy, wow!!! not once did he ever say sorry to me for anything. It was always things like I spoilt things or I made him run away or I nag and complain, etc….he rarely asked me ever how I am and even on his bday I sent him a message and he never replied to it. He told me “appreciate it that I call you” and when he unblocked me the last time he said: “aren’t you happy that you are able to talk to me again?”. God, this is so sick….is it possible that people like these exist????

I mean he has a gf, he has plenty of other women, he didn’t need me really.

Donna,

You said: “I mean, him getting angry about 3 euros for parking? Or being touched on the head by tissues? That was all meant to establish control over you.”

Why did he want to establish control? control me how?

You said: “The worst part was when he became rough with you, and then talked about beating you, and then about rape. This man was testing you, trying to see how much you would tolerate.”

Why did he want to see how much I would tolerate, what for? Ok, let’s say he sees I will take that, what would he do next? how does that help him?

And why would he act in such a cruel way with me when he seems to treat his gf so well? How can someone so evil be cruel to me for example, but nice to others? although then again, I don’t really know what he does with his gf. Only thing I know is that he is there so that she doesn’t suspect so obviously, he doesn’t want her to know and he also dedicates time and money to fly to her or when she flies to him. At least he spends 2 weeks with her as opposed to the 36 hours he reluctantly offered me. Why??

Donna, for sure he has this gf. This one is the most “serious” one to him. Ok, then he has others on the side as he has proved, including me but this gf does exist. I do know he flew to her last October (1st time he met her),then at Xmas they spent 2 weeks together and in March she flew to him. I have even seen the pack with toothpaste and the bandage for your eyes to sleep, etc. from the airline he used to fly to her on his table and this airline is from the country she is from. They have met each other’s families.

In fact, when she flew to him in March he told me we couldn’t talk to me for those 2 weeks and that is how it was. Once she left we talked again. I know where she is from and that was the number displaying on his phone when I was there.

Here are some of the things he told me at the start:

Apparently 10 years ago he declared his love to a girl and proposed marriage to her and the girl married someone else because her family thought this other man was more adequate for her, more financial security, etc. I asked him if they were going out and he said no, that he didn’t know her but that he knew he would die if he could not be with her (strange how you can propose marriage to someone you don’t know). He said he always wanted only one gf in his life. Then he said:

now i am but an empty soul.
insatiable
nothing can satisfy me, the nice guy died years ago
now I am just saving marriages
frustrated wives can have sex with me so that they don’t have to get divorced
I don’t want happiness, I am sad for a reason
respect the broken man I am, so give me sex, I ask for nothing more

Yes, Donna. This story I will never forget. I felt so so sorry as he was telling me and I remember I kept telling him that there are nice people out there and that he could find love again. Also, this had been 10 years ago so I was surprised he was so badly affected still. What really shocked me was when I asked him how long they were going out and he said:”go out? what do you mean?” as if I was asking something from Mars. Then he said that he just declared his love to her but that he didn’t know her but that he knew he would die if he couldn’t be with her. How in the name of God can you propose marriage to someone you don’t know??? I thought I was missing something there but I did feel sorry.

He said that now he had already had sex with 30 women or so and I asked him then why he was bringing his gf over for holidays if that was the case. He said she can be nice when she is not shouting at him. I said to him: “but you said that you only wanted one girl (because that is what he had previously said) so what are you doing then?. He said: “looking for the one, a girl who does not need make up to feel beautiful and who does not want jewelry.”

Everything contradictory, unless I misinterpreted something since were were typing on the Skype chat. How could he be looking for the one if he has already one? And this story about the marriage proposal, I don’t know.

Blue dolphin
All I can say is wow…this could have beeny story with the messed up man I was with.
Both he and I are from different countries. He too claimed he was addicted to games and sex when we first spoke four years ago. We did not physically meet til many months after our initial conversation. Before physically meeting he had already said I was the love of his life, the wife he needed, he love bombed me to the point I almost convinced myself it was not possible someone can say these things, he had not met me in person. It was a whirlwind when we first started our communication. We met six months later and it became very intense. He flew to my country but prior to this I had found many different sites he had been in under assumed names, conversations with other woman, saying the exact same things he said to me. I confronted him and he blew it off and deleted his accts immediately so I could never see what he was saying or doing with other woman.
We continued wth each other for a few years claiming I was his wife and love of his life and wanted to marry me. We saw one another a few lengthy times per year and spoke constantly while he went back home. I have no doubt now that his flirting and sleeping with women did not happen while we weren’t together.
One day after he and I went away together for some time he returned home and I noticed he was not acting the same. After many attempts of getting the truth he admitted to being in love with another woman who was much much younger and from another far off poor country. A few weeks later he moved to be with her and they married. I was devastated that he did this. I shd have followed my gut from the get go, the warnings I saw, the feeling in my stomach each time we spoke about what he was doing behind my back. But as long as he was claiming he loved me and the beautiful things he said, I felt somehow reassured that he was just having a little fun with the others…a little harmless flirting. Did i know honestly that’s what I believed?? No…my gut told me different but I did not listen.
Since he has married this young girl (btw he only knew her from online and not personally when moved there and married her) he attempted many times to contact me. Speaking horribly of her, that she was dumb, too dumb to get a visa, too ugly and my intelligent like i was. He claimed he made a horrible mistake and wanted to see me. The love bombing started all over again like the first time we met. The very next day he contacted me, apologizing to me about all he said the day before, maybe one day we can get together but realistically he can not because he is married now. This resurfacing has taken place about four times in the past year. And then he retracts it all the very next day. I do not know what kind of brain we are dealing with, but I assure you it is not normal. Who acts like this at 60!years old?? Who runs across the world to marry a thirty year old and never knew her? He is impulsive and indecisive in every move he makes…I miss him a lot at times but I get my list of bad traits out and I get turned off again.
NC has helped me a huge amount and even blocking him did the trick.
I wanted to write a bit of my story because it sounded like yours but then again i think all of us on here can relate to dealing with the same types of abnormalcy.
I hope all is going well with you. 🙂

Hi janedoe, how are you? I was thinking about you the other day….hope you are doing well?

Do you still hear from him? I hope not and that you are finding some peace.

Hi amille22
I’m doing well thanks and how are you? Glad to hear from you.
I remember our situation being very similar.
It’s been a peaceful summer and only heard at beginning of the summer when he responded to my email telling him I wanted no further contact with him and not to expect it. He responded saying he will continue on his part because he can’t let me go (gag!!!) and we never know what will happen. I go through periods when I block and then unblock but I can go great lengths at a time. I said I wouldn’t contact him and I haven’t had a problem with it.
Tell me how things are going with you?

I’m doing well. Not so many bad days now.

He just sent me a card for my birthday. Disguised his handwriting and no return address. The minute I realized it was him, I threw it in the trash.

I also saw him in a parking lot not too long ago. I got in my car as quickly as I could and drove off.

I was triggered for a little bit but not as bad as I thought. The longer I am away from him/NC, the stronger I feel….funny how that works.

He will do his part? What does that mean? Keep contacting you? Is he still married? Or just when it is convenient to him?

Amille22
Your guess is as good as mine..he is delusional and has a very distorted way of thinking. He believes what he is good so he will continue contact even if I don’t. Please!! like i said, he is delusional. He has no intentions of
Contact like a regular relationship works. He will rehoover, and feel like he is a hero by doing so.
Yes he is still married, but in his delusional brain that doesn’t make a difference. He believes he is doing everyone a favor.
When you saw him did he see you? Did he try to call out to you?
That’s quite ingenious sending you an unmarked bday card…because you would not know who it was from, right? Aren’t they smart??!!
I’m glad to hear you’re doing well. It hasn’t been too long for you since it all happened has it?
Good for you sticking to your guns 🙂

janedoe, I am sorry he keeps appearing in your life. Yeah, they definitely don’t think like the rest of us.

I do not know if he tried to call out to me. And yes, I know he saw me because he pulled his car directly into my line of sight. Something took over in me….my inner voice….told me to look away, get in my car, drive off, look straight ahead, do not acknowledge him, etc. I was out of there before I knew what happened. In fact, I even started to question myself as to seeing him. But he drives a very distinct sports car with a custom paint job.

Funny on the card. I was wondering what I would do if I heard from him. One of my plans was to mark the card and “return to sender.” That way his wife/live in girlfriend could see it. The other plan was to toss it because returning the card would be a response to him.

He must have thought of the first plan? No return address, the handwriting on the outside wasn’t his usual handwriting and signed the card with his first initial only. In other words, he could easily deny he sent that card. And if I returned it, I would have to write his address which would be in my handwriting. So I’m sure he would tell her I’m stalking him.

It doesn’t matter. The good news is that I prepared myself, didn’t read the card (it was just meaningless words) and threw it away.

I did not let him ruin my day. That was his goal.

It has been 4 months! Thanks to everyone here, I have no desire to contact him. I know nothing good would come from it. Besides, I am quite stubborn. I refuse to give him the opportunity to manipulate me, lie, make himself out to be a victim or worse, let him see the pain he caused !me. I know that would make him happy.

Hi amille22
I don’t know if something is wrong with my getting the messages on here because j just saw this.
Anyway…I’m so happy for you knowing what to do when you saw him. Your instincts kicked in immediately to hightail it out of there! Most ppl and myself would debate as to whether to stick around and see if he sees me! You’re so far ahead, it’s wonderful to hear that there is hope!!! And you’re right about being here. I don’t know what I’d be doing at this point if LF and its ppl didn’t exist
Good thinking on the bday card. Just sending it back may spark a reaction in him and he could easily blame you. Seriously though did he think he was fooling you by disguising his handwriting and putting a first initial? Even if you didn’t know he existed, would it be a normal way
To receive a bday card from someone??? No!!! He knows you’re on to him just by NOT responding. He was hoping to get a reaction perhaps saying to yourself “aw how sweet he remembers my bday he must really love me”. It’s all about them all of the time.
That would have been hilarious though if you put “return to sender” wouldn’t you like to be a fly on the wall seeing him squirm out of that to his gf/wife!!
Hang in there you’re doing so well at this four month mark, so much better than I was 🙂

Janedoe, no worries! I know everyone has a life outside this forum.

Funny about the card situation. I actually sent a card to his house at one point/before I knew the truth! I don’t remember how long we had been together though.

He was always bringing me romantic cards and flowers and I started to feel bad about not reciprocating. Therefore, I sent him a “thinking of you/love you,” card. I timed it so he would receive it on a Saturday.

He didn’t mention the card until I finally brought it up the following week. At first he gushed about how beautiful the card was, how no one ever was that kind to him, how much it meant to him, etc. Then, oh so matter of factly, he asked me not to send a card to his house again. That his son found it and upset him greatly.

You see his previous girlfriend had tried to come between him and his son. Never included his son in outings or invited him to her home. Therefore, he promised his son he wouldn’t date for awhile and maybe it’s best we not involve our kids until we were sure about our relationship.

I actually chimed in with understanding that because a friend of mine recently remarried and his new bride wasn’t very welcoming with her new stepchildren/there were issues.

I look back on that lie in awe. It never occurred to me that he was living with someone else after that conversation. He really is a master at manipulation.

Now I know that every time he said he went somewhere with his son or daughter, it really meant he went somewhere with his wife/live in girlfriend.

I’m not sure I’m so strong janedoe. I think it is more fear of an encounter than strength. Afraid of being manipulated, lied to, hurt, etc. I also don’t think I would do well if I saw him with his wife. For all I know, she was in the car with him that day. I’m sure he would enjoy nothing more than parading her in front of me to hurt me.

And who knows what he told her about me? When SHE read the card I sent? I’m sure he told her I was stalking him or some other line of crap. Therefore, would she confront me in person?

Thank you for the words of encouragement. They are always appreciated.

I hope you continue to do well! That he doesn’t continue to contact you and upset you. You don’t deserve that.

Hi Amille, just wanted to wish you a Happy Birthday!! 🙂

Thank you Jan7! Despite the unwanted card, it was a good day. I took off from work, had my nails done, did some shopping,etc.

I did not know that one of your ex’s mistresses was a high school sweetheart? Is she one of the women you warned that actually listened to you?

I think about my ex’s wife from time to time. I wonder how she manages? If some day I will read her story here?

Hi Amille, no it was not a “mistress” but his high school girlfriend then they both went to the same college where he cheated on her and the stress of all his mind games was too much for her (this was long before I got sucked into his evil world)….this from one of his college buddies…

and it was also a male college buddy that had a stress breakdown just after they left college which looking back at how my ex treated & manipulated him during our marriage I believe now that his breakdown was due to my ex h’s brain washing, gas lighting, mind control that he does to everyone while they were at college.

My ex would tell odd stories about his ex roommates in college…basically that he would abuse them and then when their parents called would be all nice and spread a smear campaign about their son with them. SO SO EVIL!!

It was his mistress that he worked with that had a stress breakdown when I found proof they were cheating and called her husband to tell him what they both were up too…I gave her 2 days to call her husband & tell the truth (my ex & her were on a business trip maybe a fun trip who knows for sure but she never called them probably because my ex told her that he could control me but for the first time I found my gumption and called out my ex’s bs and called her husband because he too deserved to know the truth..

he kept me on the phone for 3 hours..he was in a state of shock but he told me that he cheated on her too in so many words so there you go, 3 of them cheated on their spouses and I was the only one who did not….according to my ex h co workers who I was friends with she broke down with all the manipulation & triangulation he was doing with both of us after I called my ex out on everything and he was trying to control the whole crazy situation. And probably too because her husband was leaving her because of her affair.

My ex h is so masterful at spinning your mind to a point you don’t know which was was up or which way was down. He is pure pure evil. everyone is a victim who sadly walks into his path of destruction.

Thanks for clarifying Jan7, I misunderstood.

Wow on the friend having a breakdown. How awful. Did he avoid your ex after that?

Wow too on the treatment of his “friends” in college. Did you ever meet any of these guys? Or did they run as far away as possible after college graduation?

I just had a conversation with a friend the other day about cheating. I was reading on this site and other sources about the Ashley Madison situation. I saw your post about members in every zip code but 3. Has cheating become the norm? Acceptable because everyone is doing it?

There are times I have thought about contacting my ex’s wife but as I just posted to janedoe, I’m convinced he has already told her lies about me. She knows who I am as she was in the same class where I met my ex.

I now understand what you mean about how they keep you busy and your mind spinning. He was always talking, always emailing or texting when we weren’t together. I didn’t realize how tired he made me until I fully “detoxed” from him. Even my daughter said he was, “too clingy.” I can see how her young teenage mind would perceive that. Even though that was far from the truth.

Have a wonderful weekend!

Hi Amille,

yes, I meet some of his college friends and that is how I found out about his high school girlfriend and her stress breakdown during college. And it was one of these friends that told me about her that also told me that he had a stress breakdown. After I crawled away from my marriage the stress was simple too much for me after 12 years of hell and I too had a stress breakdown (adrenal fatigue). This is what lead me to finding out that my adrenal glands were fried = stress breakdown.

It’s so crazy how he stressed everyone mentally and broke so many down. I am sure all the people he worked with thought out the years experienced high levels of stress from all his cunning & manipulation but have zero clue to this day that it was because he is a sociopath. Crazy world!!

It’s sad that the whole world has gone sex crazy…the internet has made it very easy for guys (women too) to cheat. It use to be that you wondered if your boyfriend or husband would go to a strip joint without you knowing or look at a magazine…but now it is so easy with the computer for them to let their guard down and cheat on their spouse or mate. I think a lot of guys that normally would never think about cheating cheat because they here their friends saying how they met a women on such and such a site.

Like I told you in the beginning when we first chatted here on LF….the only time you should ever contact the wife/gf/ex gf is if you are in a safe place and know that you can not be harmed by the sociopath. They are dangerous and do not handle being exposed at all well so you don’t know how they will react if their spouse finds out.

For me when I contacted my h 3 mistresses after I left I was in a safe place. Although going through the divorce still. Like I told you I sent a letter to one women who lived in a different state to warn her about him….I left my emotions out of the letter and just told her facts about him i.e. fired from jobs, abusive, manipulative etc. The way I knew she read my letter is when I received a call from my soon to be ex yelling at me stating “What do you hate me!!”…I knew she dumped him thank goodness for her so she would not have to endure being financially scammed by him or abused in everyday. The other 2 did not heed the warning at the time but at least I planted the seeds so when they saw his mask slip they would know that I was telling the truth and guiding them to sites like LF to educate themselves.

YEP…that is how they love bomb you…now it is extremely easy for a sociopath to get their victims addicted to them with text & emails & cell phones.

Im really glad that you are away from that guy & that you educated yourself on his disorder. You have come a long way in such a short time…I read your helping post to new posters here at LF and you get it…and are able to so elegantly articulate what you have experienced & learned to others.

Glad you had a good birthday!!

Bluedolphin, I am so sorry that you ended up dating this evil guy. Your story sends up many RED FLAGS for me that this sociopath is extremely dangerous. I hope you will read up on the “No Contact rule” ASAP and follow it. (You can go up to the top of LF and do a search & also on the net for “sociopath no contact rule” & “narcissist no contact rule”. The no contact rule is the only way to heal and have peace & calmness in your life again.

You stated”

“He told me he was a sex addict and online game addict, that he is hostile, impatient, insatiable.”

I have read that 70 – 90% of sex addicts are sociopath/psychopath. He states that he is “hostile, impatient, insatiable” there are scary terms he used early on in your relationship to describe himself. Normally a person puts their best foot forward in the beginning of a friendship/relationship not a sociopath they throw you a curve ball right from the beginning to confuse you…you might think…well he was honest with me…instead of really dissecting his word choose & running fast away.

Right in the beginning I was only friend with my ex h…he told me very early on that he “had a large amount of books on psychology in his home library”….”he then said I was the most stable person he knew”.

Both of his statements he made at the time were very odd to me & stuck in my mind. His degree in college was engineering which he had only finished two years earlier… so for me I thought why would he have lots of books on psychology”.

I also thought his statement was odd about me being “the most stable person he knew”….yes I was stable financially & mentally stable & working on my career. & had a nice place to live…it was just a really odd statement to make to anyone. I had met his friends (we were just friends for about 8 months before dating) and they were normal & somewhat stable financially for just being out of college a few years & mentally well. Well once I left my marriage to him and found out that he was a psychopath I knew why he had all those books…HE KNEW EXACTLY WHO WE WAS, A PSYCHOPATH!!!!!

And during our marriage he broke me down in spirit to a point I crawled away from the marriage so now I knew that was his goal that very day in he made that statement in the beginning of our relationship which was to make me “unstable”. I later found out that he broke down his previous high school girlfriend, a friend and one of his mistresses. He loves the game of breaking a victim down. This is what this evil sociopath is doing to you. This is another reason why you need to break it off with him.

Sociopaths/psychopaths are pathological liars but the do mix in a little truth every once in a while I think as a mental game of power & control over others. Also saying “hey I told you so” kind of mentality and to vent to the world a little that they are getting away with so much evil.

What would you do know if a friend told you she had a guy she wanted you to date who is “hostile, impatient, insatiable.” would you want to date someone like this….I’m guessing no…. well more like HELL NO. But it is different when you meet a sociopath and they present the same wording mixed in with nice words & complements (love bombing). They know how to throw their victims off…they use “stop think” manipulation (google). This is what this guy has done with you.

You State:

“He used a sentence I didn’t understand and the called me illiterate and stupid for not understanding.”

He also sounds like he is using “Word Salad” manipulation (google) to confuse you. look this up to see if this is what he was doing to you the other day.

You State:

“While I was there with him this last time there was a time when he grabbed me in a rough way, I told him he was hurting me and to stop but he didn’t. He had sex with me at that time and I didn’t feel well about it. I was thinking for myself that it felt a bit like being forced somehow.”

THIS IS VERY SCARY statement for me to read and a HUGE HUGE HUGE RED FLAG into his extremely dangerous personality and mindset!!!!!

PLEASE BEWARE!! He has stated that he is a SEX ADDICT and here he was being VIOLENT WITH YOU!!!!

He stated your brother in law called him a “rapist”…did you ever ask your brother n law about this? Did he in fact call him a “rapist”? My guess is your brother in law did not even make the statement but you will need to check with him to confirm my hunch.

Sociopath love to triangulate their victims against each other specially when they are loosing control over them. (google “sociopath triangulation” and do a search on LF here too). In addition they love to isolate their victims from their own family.

So this is what I think this sociopath was doing with his statement against your brother in law since your brother in law called him to protect you. He wanted you to defend him (the sociopath) & fight with your brother in law…this is triangulation.

I also think that he was telling you that he has raped before….this is why I think he is extremely dangerous and you should impose the NO CONTACT RULE ASAP. All rapist are violent.

I also wonder if his so called “girlfriend” is actually his wife…do you stay at his home when you are in his town? or do you have to stay in a hotel and he gives you some excuse as to why you can’t stay at his home. Online dating is one of the easiest way for married men to cheat especially if they travel for business they can just tell their spouses they are going on a business trip when in fact they are going to see their mistress…this was the case for my ex h. Could this be the same for this guy?

Donna of LF has post excellent insight into these evil sociopaths with her response to you as well as all the other posters. Keep reading all of these responses.

Keep posting here too..vent, rant, ask questions and READ everything that Donna has posted at the very top of this site & watch her videos. Donna has created an unbelievable library full of education material to open your mind up from this evil sociopaths manipulation tactics.

Hugs to you 🙂

Take care

Bluedolphin…I just wanted to add that online dating is the most dangerous type of dating. Donna (LF) has posted many articles of victims of online dating and of course we have all watched the news to learn of victims who have been raped, abused & even killed by an online dater.

So please be very careful…for me I would never date online just from what I now know about predators of this world and for the fact that online dating sites are havens for them to search for lots of victims.

Amille22 – Thanks for your comments.

I do know he has this gf, believe me. She does exist. I know they met and I know he travelled to her. In March I was already talking to him and he told me he was going to be offline for 2 weeks because the gf was visiting him and she did. We didn’t talk for those 2 weeks and then we went back talking. She is real and from the country the phone call came from. In June he put a photo of him and her on whatsapp.

In a way, my story is a bit different because I don’t think this guy has told me many lies as other psychopaths seem to tell. Many people talk about how they love bomb them at the start. This guy didn’t. He told me straight out that he was a sex addict, an online game addict, that he was hostile, impatient, insatiable, that he had a gf. Ok, I didn’t take him seriously for that very reason, because how someone I had just started talking to could be telling me all these things? how someone who actually wanted to get me, at least to have a sex affair with, would say these things? You would think any one who says that makes the other person (me in this case) run away, wouldn’t you?

Unlike others, this guy seemed to be extremely blatant with me. He didn’t tell me I was the woman of his life or that he would be my bf, nothing like it.

What I am questioning in my story is his behaviour with me because regardless of the fact I am his gf, his lover, his whatever the way he behaved with me was crazy. That is why I still wonder if he behaved just like this with me or he does it with his gf and others too. I can’t imagine the gf being treated like me because I doubt it she would be there if he did. For a start, he hides his sexual encounters from her, he makes very sure she doesn’t suspect however he told me in my face every time he was with another woman. Why??

People always say that he wouldn’t treat me or any other woman with respect, but how do you know that because he disrespects ME that means he will disrespect others too?? I suppose that depends on what he wants out of the victim. If he wants to keep the victim he is not going to be so stupid as to abuse her because the victim will go away, I guess….

Bluedolphin, the mere fact that he was having an affair with you and other women behind his girlfriend’s back tells me he is not treating her with respect.

In other words, if he is love bombing her and telling her she is his one and only, yet sleeps with other women then how could he possibly love her? How can he be described as honest and caring?

These guys love to play games. They love to say whatever they can to mess with us. It gives them pure joy to make up stuff and watch our reaction. Google the term “duper’s delight.”

If you don’t mind me asking, why did you stay? What attracted you to him? Conversely, what brought you to this site?

I know when I finally found out the truth about my ex, I had a hard time realizing he was disordered. Like yours, I couldn’t immediately check all the boxes.

What Donna, Jan7, janedoe and everyone else here taught me was that his behavior was outrageous regardless. That I could not rely on what he said. That his words were meaningless.

That he was, just like all Sociopaths, Psychopaths and Narcissists, a master at manipulation and deceit.

He controlled every aspect of your “relationship” He had no regard for your thoughts, feelings or well being.

We are all concerned for you because we know how these people operate. We know that they wear different masks for each person or situation. That they don’t always follow a certain script.

I sincerely hope you stay away from him. Please keep reading and posting.

Amille22 – You are very right by saying he obviously doesn’t respect her and love her when he is having multiple affairs behind her back. I completely agree. Of course, he is not honest with her and caring at all but why is he then so concerned to be there on time to talk to her so that she doesn’t get upset? Why does he only spend 36 hours with me so that he can go back home and talk to her because otherwise she will break up? Why doesn’t he make up a lie and say he is going away with friends for say 4 days and spend them with me? The first time I flew there he had 4 days off. Can you believe he still told me to fly there on Friday night and leave by Sunday afternoon? Even like that he told me the next time he would only give me 24 hours because 36 was too much. Why does he keep her after 11 months in the distance? A long distance relationship takes hard work and dedication by having to talk all the time. So why?

Well, I am not sure I can say I stayed. Well, yes I did but we are in different countries. What I did is continue with the contact and talking to him and meeting him 3 times. What attracted me and when I really was hooked is when he came to meet me in person. That is when I got really hooked because there he seemed a very different person. There he looked like a gentleman. Then when he got back, the minute he landed he was texting me telling me he was so happy I was the way I was, he was glad he met me, etc. and in fact the next day we talked for 3 hours on Skype and straight away we decided I was flying to him in 6 weeks. He wanted me to go to his country and meet there. He told me he was taking me sailing and he did. He said it was something I had never done and he even said it was romantic. Although then down the line, he brought 2 other people although I really think it was because it was necessary to have people who knew about sailing and I didn’t so he didn’t want to be on his own with me in case something went wrong with the boat. Anyway, that is when I got hooked, when he first met me here.

What brought me to this site is the abuse I felt he carried out on me, especially after this last time I flew to him. Psychological, emotional, verbal and this last time physical although he didn’t execute it but he did say next time he would have to beat me. I came here because as you exactly said I am having a hard time at admitting he is disordered. I can’t wrap my head around this. I can’t believe there are evil people and I constantly have this thought that I cannot get rid of that he was just a bad guy because in reality he didn’t want anything serious with me and I was just an adventure for him.

Blue dolphin
It’s so difficult to imagine what they do behind our back is possible. Especially when they seem so honest to our faces. It’s like whatever we thought they were doing that is wrong just disappears when we are with them.
I too did the same exact thing. I knew what I knew about him, I even had proof, but somehow I continued on for a few years being deeply involved because I believed as long as we are still together I have nothing to worry about. I tried so hard to dismiss all the proof I had, it consumed my thoughts continually. I was obsessed.
Even after he killed my soul and spirit by marrying someone a couple weeks after he and I were on vacation, i still believed him when he contacted me telling me I was right when I told him not to Marry this girl. I was right by saying she is a thirty year old and he is sixty and the maturity level is not the same. I was right about everything and he now sees that. It’s me he ever loved and blah blah blah. But then…who takes it all back the next day?? A crazy person does…
Maybe your situation isn’t the exact same as mine or anyone else’s but you know, when it all comes down to the last word about these men, it is the same. They all have their way of manipulation according to what works with each person. But at the end of the day, it all means the same thing. They are bad bad ppl no matter what title they carry, sociopath, narcissistic, delusional, etc.
I’m not trying to tell you to listen to me because I know better because I do not. I still carry around the burden and heartbreak each minute even though it’s been a year. I can only say that with time I have learned to accept what he is and how awful what he has done is. It’s something I never knew existed in ppl until now. Compare to a year ago I am not nagging for an explanation from him nor sitting around waiting to hear from him while I spend much time crying and that already is a big change for me.
Coming here was my saviour. When I found out there were others experiencing the same thing it opened up so many doors for me. There is so much knowledge here and it’s so comforting to hear others advice and experiences. Stay here and vent and grasp each piece of wisdom because I know I need to hear it and you too will see. 🙂

janedoe – Yes, I was surprised that you said yours also told you he was a sex addict and games addict. Of course, people then ask how I continued knowing that, plus he had told me he had a gf and that he was hostile, impatient, that he had been cheating all his life, that he is insatiable….but my God I didn’t take those things seriously and then once I met him in person I thought: sure that is not what he is. He looked gentle, nice.

My case is different in the sense that he never put me into a relationship or made me think there would ever be one. In fact, he did say he didn’t want to be my bf so this is even worse because I never thought of a future with him so why am I hurting this much then? so many questions I cannot answer. I feel I have a veil in front of me that has stopped me from thinking straight. I feel my mind has been played with so badly that despite seeing that things are not right with him I still seem to want to be there, at least in contact with him. I crave for the contact. That is why I am suffering so much now, because he has blocked me everywhere and other times he came back but not this time. This time he is gone for good, my gut feeling tells me. I threatened him with telling his gf everything so maybe that is the reason too. I don’t know. I would have preferred that he has me in his contacts and to be me the one who would have slowly made it disappear. After all, I knew this wasn’t going anywhere and this time was even worse because I wasn’t ever going to fly to him again and he didn’t want to meet me either.

Why has he blocked me? why hasn’t he said a word about it? Other times when he blocked me he warned me he was doing so and after a few days when I tried to contact him he would come back and unblock me but this time no warning, nothing, just gone and it hurts like hell. I was only with him 2 weeks ago, we were in the mountains, he hugged me, he held my hand, we were watching a movie at night, then just hit a button and he made me disappear. I am crying and crying non stop. I begged for an explanation. I told him I don’t mind if he tells me it is over but that at least he tells me. I cannot deal with the anxiety when I wonder whether one day he will unblock me or wondering if we’ll ever talk again. I prefer he tells me it is over and I will deal with it but this is the worse of all, going like this……I can’t anymore

Amille22 – What I am trying to say is that of course, he doesn’t respect her or love her by cheating on her but I don’t think there is a way he could be overtly abusive with her as he has been with me because if he was she wouldn’t be there and talking about wanting to marry him. So my question is how does he abuse me but he does not abuse her?

Bluedolphin, thank you. You remind me so much of where I was 4 months ago. Where I still am on bad days. My heart goes out to you.

Trying to wrap hour head around the fact that you were in love or thought you were in love or in a relationship with someone who is disordered is extremely difficult, isntbit? How could this person who said all those wonderful things and so kind when we met them be a monster in disguise?

It’s all there Bluedolphin. He love bombed you during the in person visit. More in emails and Skype. Once you were hooked, the mask starts to slip. That is what they do.

He IS abusing his girlfriend. He is cheating on her. If he is “hiding” the affairs, then he is lying to her. They are talking marriage but he is sleeping around? Think about that, he is going out of his way to ensure she doesn’t know the truth about who he is and what he does.

That is emotional abuse! Manipulation at its finest.

Of course, that once again assumes whatever he has told you about her is the truth. I think you give him too much credit. They are all liars.

I was with my ex Narcissist for a long time. He love bombed me the entire time until I found out the truth. I started to realize that everything he told me was a lie. That he was living with someone else; probably married to her.

He went out of his way to hide that truth from me. That he was sleeping with her and probably others. I was a great supply. I was nothing more than a play toy.

I consider that emotional abuse. He emotionally abused me for almost 5 years. Looking back, I sometimes beat myself up because some of the lies are so obvious now. At the time, he was manipulating me; brainwashing me. I wasn’t thinking straight. He kept me busy with all his proclamations of love.

I know what you are going through is tough. Heartbreaking. Surreal. Who knew these evil people are out there… dating, married, etc. I thought all Sociopaths were murderers and in jail!

Please stay away from him. He will do nothing but hurt you. That nice guy you met doesn’t exist.

Amille22
It’s amazing how far along you have come. You speak with such wisdom and have many encouraging things to say.
Happy belated bday btw 🙂

Thank you Jane! Another year older…wiser… LOL

I have learned so much from this forum. I can’t thank everyone enough for their help and support.

Amille22 – I remember how he literally told me that he wouldn’t want to know if his gf has sex with someone else, that he could not take it. He said: “if she is on another continent, she can have sex every day as long as I don’t know about it because I don’t want to get hurt”. I asked why he would get hurt and he said it is irrational, that he would be jealous, just sentimental, or pure greed, to possess. That he is insatiable and a sex addict. He said: “I have been cheating all my life, just like many other people too. it’s nothing extraordinary.” And then it is when I asked if he loves her and he said: “well, that is what I tell her and I tell myself”. Then he went onto tell me the story I mentioned here in another post before about him having proposed marriage to someone 10 years ago and that she didn’t marry him and that he can never have those feeling for anyone anymore. Then apparently he didn’t even know the girl. He said he just knew he would die if he couldn’t be with her. Then he said that the nice guy died years ago and that nothing can satisfy him. He asked me to respect the broken man he is.

He said he just wants to be wanted, to be desired and the other day when I was chatting to him from the fake profile I created he said the exact same to this girl (me under fake profile) that he wants to be wanted and that he wants mutual respect, motivation and trust.

On our last whatsapp I told him how I found it disgusting to see the tampon of another woman in his bin. Then he said he didn’t know what was there because he doesn’t use the bin and that he only has it there for girls only. Again, I was heart broken with his comments. Then he called me illiterate, stupid, etc as I said before for not understanding the meaning of his sentence and then he finally told me that it was out of the question to meet again because I push him out of his comfort zone and that I interfere with his social network more than he likes. I was devastated to be reading this. I had only been there 10 days ago when he wrote it. As revenge I told him I will never fly to someone who while I am leaving tells me they are glad I am leaving as he said to me, and he said “excellent”. I added: and I will never fly to someone who threatens me with beating me and talks about raping. His answer: “or bondage, and gagging and fisting and threesome?” My heart was so broken reading all this. I told him that he may not meet me because I interfere with his whores (supposedly the social network he mentioned) but that I don’t meet beaters. That very minute he blocked me.

I can’t believe my distorted thinking and how sick I can be that now I go thinking that maybe I shouldn’t have mentioned to him that he is a beater because at least that way he wouldn’t have blocked me. What is wrong with me?

Do these guys come back? This one is not coming back for sure. He blocked me 10 days ago. I sent sms and emails and he didn’t answer. I even sent whatsapps from another mobile number and initially he read them but now he has blocked that number too.

Bluedolphin, nothing is wrong with you. He manipulated you and created trauma bonds(another term to read about). He hooked you; put you on a pedestal, then proceeded to knock you off.

It is all part of the devalue and discard process.

Please know that no matter what you said or did, it would end like this. It isn’t about you. It never is. It is always about them; their wants and needs.

That’s why sometimes they wear the mask longer for one person but not the other. Maybe the girlfriend you reference is giving him money? Or other resources. I certainly would bet she would be surprised to hear he calls her such names and that they break up after each conversation. Although, isn’t that what he does with you?

Do they come back? Sometimes. Mine sent tons of emails and texts after I learned the truth. I finally changed my email address and phone number. Since then, a few things like the birthday card I mentioned. I have ignored them all.

However, coming back is NOT a sign they miss you or love you. It is just a means for them to mess with you. That card he sent me was intended to hurt me. Or maybe he thought I would reach out to him so that he could manipulate me again.

If he blocked you and keeps you blocked, please consider that a gift. You don’t want to be involved with someone like him.

Jan7 – Thanks for your reply and opinions. This helps me big time.

Yes, I have always wondered as I have said before, why this guy was so blatant with me as to tell me he is hostile, impatient, insatiable, a sex and online game addict? He told me this from day one. Why would someone who is trying to get you say these things? I have no idea. That is why I am a bit perplexed when people in general say how their sociopaths love bombed them at the start. That was not really my case. Ok, when he met me in person I must say that I was surprised. I was expecting much worse but he held my hand while we walked, he stopped and hugged me as if we were in a relationship already. He took my arm in his arm and that is the way we walked. I thought, wow, he is so nice! Then when he went back to his country he texted me telling me he was happy that I was the way I was, that he was glad to have met me, that it was great to be with someone and not to have to be fighting (as he does with his gf all the time) and basically, he seemed to be happy to have met me. One thing that got my attention though is that in one of the messages he wrote: “Thanks to you I know I am not crazy”. I never knew what that really meant.

Of course, that if a friend of mine told me she knows someone she would like me to date and she tells me he is hostile, impatient, sex addict, etc I would start running and never look back. So I don’t know what happened to me here, really. Also, he did tell me he had a gf and I remember I kept telling him good bye while we were chatting because of that. I said I have values and principles and if someone has a gf or wife I want nothing with them. Then he said I didn’t need to worry and that his relationships don’t last, that he could be single at a moment’s notice. He said he had a gf before in his town and that she liked make-up and jewellery more than him and that he flew to this girl, met her and made her his new gf (the one he is with now). Recently, he told me the gf in his town wanted to marry and he didn’t and that is why she broke up so I don’t know really what happened. He also told me one day how he calls his ex gf but that she doesn’t want to talk to him.

Yes, regarding the sentence he stated”. I always felt that many times he would say comments in such a way as if he was playing mind tricks or sentences that had some hidden meaning so that I wouldn’t get it because I used to find myself asking him what he meant many times. Instead of speaking clearly, he seemed to play tricks with the words he used.

At the start he told me I was indoctrinated by the ages old doctrines of monogamy. He told me I was intolerant, ignorant, and that he is a Christian and believes in God. He forever says how it is critical that there is “mutual respect, trust and motivation”. I go, yes, I can see, especially about the respect and trust. He constantly demands that I respect him and his decisions. One day I remember how I told him how he seems to go against the way he thinks and believes and he said at that moment that I was smart and that only myself and another woman 5 years ago have told him that. Again, I don’t know what he meant. Another time, he was talking about how sometimes it is better not to say everything about oneself and that he learnt there are things that it is better not to say because they are private and once they are said there is no way back. We were talking and he told me he had a gf and he was going to say something else because I was asking what else was there and for one minute it looked like he was going to say it. Then he stopped and he said that in the past he had told a gf everything and she couldn’t take it and she broke up. I didn’t have a clue what he was talking about.

Ok, the last time I was at his house and here I reply to your question too, the two times I flew there, yes, I was at his house. He is not married. When I was there I saw a tampon in the bin so I knew a woman had been there. Well, I do know he sleeps with women but to see it there was disgusting. So the last time we texted I told him that next time he has to empty the bin before I go there (of course, I wasn’t ever going back, I was just talking that way). And this is what he said:

“I will empty the bin before you come back. Even if I never empty it that statement remains true”. I wasn’t sure what he exactly meant and I kept asking to clarify. He told me I was illiterate, stupid and dead slow on the uptake (English is not my first language but this was not a case where I didn’t understand English though). Finally, he wrote: “Before you come back = never”. Even when I was there the last time I told him I was sad to leave and he replied: “I am actually glad you are leaving because that way I can do the things I couldn’t do while you were here”. The previous time I was there I told him I wanted to cry when I was leaving and he said that I could cry, that crying is good for me.

Another incident is that the first time I was with him in his house, just after I arrived (it was 10 PM) he told me I had to wash my hair. I was so shocked. I had just washed my hair in the morning and I thought he was joking. His face was serious and I kind of laughed. I said that it was too late and don’t like washing my hair that late. He said: “I am talking seriously”. He said he doesn’t like dirty hair after being on an airplane. The flight is just 1 and ½ hours’ long. He kind of scared me and I really was scared because in fact I went and washed my hair. Something inside me told me that if I didn’t I could be in trouble.

Every time I have hade sex with him I felt he was very robotic, cold, no feeling in there at all. I didn’t know how to act with him. I felt uneasy. Even if I lightly poked him with my finger he would get annoyed and tell me not to do that so I was scared to do anything really. On Saturday night while I was with him he grabbed me (ok it was not really violent as such) but it didn’t feel right, something inside me told me it wasn’t right. He was a bit rough and I said to him to stop or wait (can’t remember exactly) and told him he was hurting me but he didn’t really stop. It just didn’t feel right. Ok, I don’t know if I can really say he raped, maybe not me but it just didn’t feel right, I felt somehow forced. What shocked me is when just the very next morning out of the blue for no reason at all he starts talking about how my brother in law had accused him of raping women when he talked to him. I was in dismay. Why would he bring that topic of raping up just the very next day when I had felt a bit like that the previous night??? Isn’t that a coincidence??? What was he trying to tell me?? Of course, I knew my brother in law had never told him that and I made sure and I asked my brother in law. He told me he never said that to him, never. Why would he? All my brother in law told him is that he was treating me badly in the way he used to hang up on me and give me time limits to talk, nothing ever about raping. After I was already back he asked me to watch the scene in Maleficient movie where Angelina Jolie’s wings are cut off, which is exactly a metaphor about rape and he added: “mind, I never cut off your wings”

I am curious when you say that he was trying to tell me that he has raped before”.do you really think so? I just can’t believe that….

The scariest thing for me and couldn’t believe is when I touched him with the packet of tissues on his head and after getting angry and calling me crazy and told me I had no empathy, etc for doing that he told me next time for me to understand what he meant he would have to or would beat me. I couldn’t move. I was shocked. I could see how the abuse was going further. That was in the morning and then he was really nice with me during the day when we spent the day at the mountains. He again held my hand, hugged me—

My question is: was that just a threat to scare me, to control me? or could he have actually done it???

When I came back, only after a week I told him that a week ago we were together at the mountains and he said: “yeah”. I got the feeling that it didn’t really matter to him and I said: “it doesn’t seem to mean much to you” and he said: “and it means everything to you”. I was so hurt. He talks in such a cold cold way to me.

I met him on a travelling site although it was obvious from the start when he contacted me that travelling was not what it was going to be about. At a later stage I found he is advertised on another site and this one is more like a dating site (Hi5). Recently he deleted his profile on the travelling site where we had met and he said the gf forced him to do it. He said that anyway he didn’t miss much there. Of course, he still has the other one on because obviously the gf doesn’t know about it. Recently, I created a fake profile there and I was chatting to him. I said I lived in a town 2 hours away from him. After chatting to me for about 1 hour he asked me if I wanted him to drive out to me. He had just come from work and he was willing to drive 2 hours in and 2 out to meet a stranger to have sex that very same day. I said it was too soon to meet after only one day and he said “oh yeah, we can wait until next year”. When I myself met him on the travelling site he also told me after 1 or 2 days to jump into a plane and visit him there.

The gf story, whenever he talks about his gf to me is something negative, that she is simple minded, that she is too stupid to get a visa and job in his country, that they fight, that they break up, that they have different expectations, that she wants to get married and he doesn’t, that there is disrespect, etc….I always asked him why is he with her then? He said she can be nice when she is not shouting at him….I wonder many times how he treats her. At least I know he always makes sure she doesn’t suspect in case he is gone for too long and that is why he only offers me 36 hours when we meet, because he doesn’t want the gf to suspect. In fact, the last time he told me I had created trouble for him by being with him 36 hours. I suppose he meant the gf got angry or suspicious. I really don’t know what he is doing with her. They have been in the distance since 11 months ago and met 3 times and he cannot prolong it too long in the distance I suppose.

I really don’t know. I am so confused, so hurt. Many times I wonder if he was a jerk with me because he knew he didn’t want anything with me apart from an affair. Now he has got what he wanted and maybe that is why he got rid of me. He blocked me 9 days ago and despite me contacting him to ask him why he didn’t reply. Thing is he blocked me on Skype and whatsapp and I used another mobile number to send him the messages as mine is blocked and he read them but never replied. I was expecting he would have blocked this new number I wrote to him from but he hasn’t so I don’t really know.

janedoe – Thanks for your reply and story

Yes, the story is a bit similar, especially when you say that yours told you also from the start that he was addicted to sex and games. The only thing is that mine never wanted anything with me apart from a sex adventure. He never talked to me about being his gf or wife or anything like it and he did tell me he had a gf. He never promised anything to me.

I am just astonished as to the way he treated me, the way he spoke to me, the insults, hanging up on me, giving me time limits to talk and then I have seen the abuse escalating. He has many times written on whatsapp or Skype “fuck off” or “you ignorant” or “fucking click on the link I gave you”. I said recently “call me sometime” and he said “only when I want to”. I said he hadn’t replied to my messages for 7 hours and he said in capital letters “I don’t fucking have to”. Other times if I asked where he was because he wasn’t replying he would say “I was fucking a girl in Austria”. My heart was broken to read this and he has done this many times or telling me he was busy because he had 2 blind dates, etc”.

When he came over to meet me the first time I remember he told me to wait for him at the door where all the passengers come out at the airport, at the point where you cannot go any further because they don’t allow you to get in. I had told him that maybe I waited for him outside in the street but he insisted I had to go to that point where people waiting for passengers cannot go any further so I did so so that he would fee comfortable. When I flew to him he told me how he hated airports and waiting at airports and he asked me if I could get a train from the airport to a town close by and he would pick me up there. I was shocked. He had asked me to go to the closest point I could when he came over and here he was asking me to get a train when I went to him. Finally, he accepted because I had gone to wait for him and he felt he had to do the same at least for this time. When I flew out he parked the car and basically, he expected me to just be with him 5 minutes despite the fact I had to wait there for at least 90 minutes on my own. When he came over and he flew out I waited with him till he had to cross the gate so of course, I thought he would do the same but no, he started to get really angry telling me I was very clingy and that I was smothering him, that he hated airports and that he was getting very nervous. He told me he had to peel me off him. I couldn’t believe what was happening. He had only been there 10 minutes. He looked at my face, told me it was over and he literally walked away and never looked back. I was crying there, people looking at me”.heartbroken, I cry when I write this. Then he complained he had to pay 3 Euros for 10 minutes’ parking, that is all he could say. He told me he wanted to go quickly and say good bye quickly and that I forced him to stay against his will.

This last time I flew to him I had to get the train to that town. He made it clear he wouldn’t pick me at the airport. He said this time I already knew the airport and then I should know how to buy the train ticket and get the train. Well, I had been at the airport yes, before but I still didn’t know the train system and how to buy the tickets but I knew I had to do it this time. I even managed to buy the ticket online before travelling and that is considering this is in Germany and I don’t speak German. It wasn’t easy because you have to know exactly which type of ticket to buy and he never ever helped me at all. I did it all by myself.

Whenever he has spoken about the gf it has always been negative things. The fact that he says she is too stupid to get a visa and job to go to his country tells me he doesn’t have much of respect for her either. How can you talk about your gf like that??? But then why does he stay with her? Why is he so worried that she gets angry when he is not answering her calls when he is with me or other women? Why does he make sure he is there on time to talk to her? The two times I visited him I took a flight on Friday evening and I could have taken a flight back on Sunday evening but he obliged me to get one on Sunday afternoon all because he wants to be back home for when she calls. So why is he so worried about her? I mean if you live in different countries one can have his/her own life too. It is not like you have to be locked at home in case your gf/bf calls. If he wanted he could easily say he is going away for the weekend with friends or whatever. You can always make an excuse, especially when the other person is not even living there and is far away. He told me from the start that if he is missing for 24 hours it is easy to explain but that if you are missing for 48 then he cannot lie much. Come on, this is so much consideration for her. That is what I don’t understand. People who cheat on their wives/gfs make excuses and lie when they go away. So what is happening here? He always tells me how they break up all the time, how they fight, that she wants to marry and he doesn’t, etc”..so why is he there?

I read this and had to do a double take. I thought you were writing about this guy from Hawaii…that flew out to me 4 times. I was his supposedly girlfriend,and he didn’t like it when I wore makeup, although he didn’t insist I take it off. In the hotel room, I had to lay still next to him. He got mad when I went to comb my hair in the mirror. He made me shower obsessively and he showered obsessively too. I even remember having to get off Skype and shower before I even meeting him…because I came home from work and he claimed my work clothes would be horribly dirty. I work in an upscale department store,…so my clothes are pretty clean and very fashionable. He used loofahs…and specific bath gels and wanted me to use what he wanted. He was a sex addict. But I figured that out..after I found him online on various date sites. I met him online too. He also love bombed me and then slowly began to degrade me more and more. He blocked me several times too. He lied to me. He told me he was monogamous. He also flew around the world in Germany, The Netherlands, Norway, Australia and then back to New York were he grew up and onto Hawaii,..where he was stationed and he became a disabled US army veteran because he hurt his back when he received a deployment to Iraq. He never made it to Iraq, which I did not judge him for not going there. He has dread locks and he preaches the zen…warning me that I’m serving the Illuminati. I was on Skype with this guy for sometimes 5 days a week…anywhere from 5 to 7 hours a night. He claimed he painted airplanes around the world. But I think he is a cult recruiter…or better yet..trying to cultivate his own cult for the purpose of stealing money from people. I never gave him money. Although he did suggest it several times. I think, with me..he actually did enjoy my adoration and company.

I could tell you a lot more. He was very similar to your guy, and probably equally as mean. I did learn he had a domestic violence issue with his ex wife. And he was really angry when he learned I learned his true self. I fought with him. He blocked me and silenced me. I still told him off anyway. I found ways. He doesn’t scare me a lot anymore. I went out and did the things I always wanted to do, and I found a new boyfriend and started a band. My Psychopath was also a guitar player. I am a guitar player and he tried to destroy my self esteem in that area. So my way of recover was to do exactly what he destroyed. I admit, I still am upset over it a bit. Its been 2.5 months since the last direct contact and I am feeling much better.

The only advice I can give…is I believe a victim so rebuild their self esteem in the areas that were knocked down.

I think in your situation and in mine.. If we ever see a man with questionably mystery like lifestyles… We need to reject them immediately. Its not always easy to do, but I have learned to recognize the takers from the givers.

flatsydoll2 – Amazing, yes, it would be good to hear more as to what he did so that at least I can compare. Mine was weird. As I said earlier on he made me wash my hair when I flew to him because he says hair gets dirty in airplanes and he can’t stand the smell (my flight was only 1 and 1/2 hour). He said he was serious and I really went and washed it because I got this bad feeling of what would happen if I didn’t. He was in the kitchen in his house and everything had to be done in a specific manner, very particular and this guy is 34, it is not like someone old set in his ways. It was my first time there and I put 2 plates in the sink and he told me I couldn’t put them there making me feel bad for having put them there. Then I went and peeled a potato and he told me I was clumsy. I moved a chair and I just hit a piece of furniture with it by mistake and again he told me I was clumsy. The way he talked to me was scary, I felt scared by him. A little stone dropped out of my shoe on his floor and he told me “pick it up”, no please, no nothing, just orders. In bed he was cold, robotic and strange. It came to a point I was scared to do anything in case he complained. I had to lie in a certain way and turn my head also in a specific way. He told me we had to lie symmetrically and even if I touched his skin softly and by mistake he wouldn’t like it. I felt scared to do the wrong thing really. And if you have read the event about the packet of tissues. I can’t still believe what I heard from him that day.

Thing is I wasn’t his gf and he never told me he wanted me to be so in that sense he didn’t lie to me. I never felt he lied to me at all. In fact, I have the feeling he has always been blatantly honest, very cold, very cruel and very sadistic I would say but I never felt he lied.

I’m off to work. Mine is 40 years old. Its not the same man. Mine was the con artist of the zen new age religion. Acting like a Guru, who was basically trying to shut my voice down. Also telling me everything I was saying and doing was wrong.

Yours sounds like a cheap brat with money. I actually think mine has money stashed too. They rip women off.

I will talk to you later. We have a lot in common. Lol

Blue dolphin
I still see so much of my ex in your story. This behaviour sounds like something he would do at this moment while he is married (although yours tells you it’s his Gf)
Are you certain he isn’t married? Maybe the reason for his nervousness is because he is worried he will get caught and it will get back to the gf/wife.
Also the area you are speaking of is where mine is from and where many of his online women come from. I know Germany, Austria, Poland, Romania, Ukraine is where he tends to seek out women and play the role of a single horny man looking for a wife. I’m not the typical woman he preyed upon..I’m in NA and am younger than him but he has hooked up with women thirty years younger.
Although at the moment mine is “off in the Far East” with a very poor family, married and trying to build an honest life for himself…how am I supposed to take that seriously and believe that? I know he lives there and flies back to his home quite often because he is involved with his schooling in Germany and has to be there. This is when I think he does his flirting and trying to meet women, when he Isnt with his wife in the eastern part of the world. He is so masterful and manipulative it really is scary. And he has a very eerie look about him that spooked me from th start. He has told me plenty of times that I am way too smart and not comparable to any of the women he has been with because I discovered what he really is up to and these other women haven’t figured out a thing.
I don’t really know at this point if he has suddenly become a decent piece of crap and is faithfully married or if it’s speculation in my half, because when he and I were together and he claimed I was the love of his life, he had no problem seeking other women so I have a hard
Time believing he has become a saint because he is married. I do know that this is how he conducted his life before being married and he contacted me several times since, so has he really stopped? I don’t know.
Reading your explanation of how he deals with the airport situation sounds as though he is nervous to be where he can be seen? Is that a possibility at all? As he seems to lie about a lot of things, perhaps he hasn’t been honest about any of his hidden relationships. If he is “cheating” behind his “gf” back, she isn’t the only one he is lying to…that’s what I believe.
Calling his “gf” names and saying things about her is the same exact pattern mine does. If someone speaks this way about who they say they are in a relationship with, then why are they still with that person? as everyone says it’s a form of triangulation.
Btw your use of the English language doesn’t seem like a problem whatsoever, I don’t know why you’d think it is?

janedoe – yes, this guy is German and I am in Europe in a different country (don’t know whether it is safe to say the country here so maybe I will skip it).

As far as I am concerned he is not married. He lives alone for sure. I have talked many times with him on Skype and he is always available and alone. If he had a wife he would have had problems with talking and he didn’t. I am pretty positive the gf is a gf. Well, he did say he had a gf before this one in his own town and that they finished (well, she finished) and that is when with no problem he flew off to this other one and made her his new gf (that is how he says it, i.e. that he made her his new gf). So they met for the first time in October last year. I do believe this story.Well, he has clearly told me that the reason for me staying only the 36 hours (he wanted 24) is because he has things to do and also because the gf gets suspicious so mostly I think it is in order for her not to suspect about his whereabouts.

I am not really sure the airport thing could be because he can be seen, I highly doubt it because it is not like he had me locked at home when I was with him. We did things like going sailing and went to the mountains. I don’t know what the problem with this guy is really. I always had more the feeling that once he dropped me at the airport he really wanted to go quickly in order to make the phone calls he hadn’t made while I was there to the gf and probably others too but especially the gf, so that she didn’t get suspicious. The two times while I visited him she would send messages and call him obviously looking for him and he doesn’t answer when he is with me so if he is gone missing for too long the gf will be annoyed or she will break up. This last time he clearly told me that I had caused trouble for him (I guess he meant trouble with the gf). In fact, this time he was at one time in the bathroom and his phone rang. I went close to it and I saw the number displayed on the screen and it was her (I know by the country code). I tried to memorise the number but then I tried calling and I know there must have been some digits missing as probably the number too long to fit in the phone screen. I wish with all my heart I could call her and tell her. Then I would be done.

Well, who else he has to lie to apart from the gf? the rest, we are all temporary entertainments and if he does like with me and tells me straight on the face that he has a gf and many others then there is not much to hide. I don’t think this guy has really lied that much to me. In fact, he has told me things he didn’t need to tell me, like how many women he sleeps with, etc. he didn’t need to tell me that unless his motive is to hurt me but I don’t think he is lying to me. People say psychopaths lie a lot and that is what doesn’t fit with this guy either because he may lie to his gf but not to me.

No, I don’t have problems with English. Not sure why you said that. Were you referring to the time he called me illiterate because I couldn’t understand the sentence he wrote on whatsapp? not sure.

Most people here also talk about how the guys always come back and try to be nice, etc. but this guy doesn’t come back and he never tries to be nice to me, never. He blocked me 10 days ago, he didn’t say a word as to why (although my last sentence to him is that I won’t fly to meet beaters) and yesterday I sent some messages from another mobile no. just asking why he blocked me and at least to give me an explanation and now he has blocked me there too.

I feel as if someone has died. All of a sudden the contact is gone. Only a few weeks ago I was there with him and I feel even more humilliated. He has abused me at all levels and now he has the last word too.

Blue dolphin
Hi
I know you’re feeling lost and bewildered right now I too have been there.
Keep in mind a few things:
-Even if he writes you back, knowing all he has said and done, would he be someone you could ever trust, count on, or even respect?

When I get down and remember the plenty of good times we had, I have to remind myself of the bad character he has and what type of person he is. Even when I believed anything he said, is it enough to respect him as a person after all he has done to me?

-another thing to remember
He is involved with someone, do we want this and is it the right thing to do?
In my case again, he is married and when he contacts me and puts down his “newly married” wife, is that normal? Uh…no! who is to say he doesn’t do this to me behind my back?

-also I know how he approached me and me and met me…it isn’t normal. There must be hundreds of women trying to contact him as to what’s up.

He didn’t just start that behaviour with me..no way. I caught many many sites he was on with other aliases he used. Somehow I knew enough from the beginning not to trust him and I began digging. It didn’t do me any good at the time because I was spellbound but I know so much better now. I can just imagine him using his cheesy pick up lines on others and them falling for it.

So having said all of this, would I want this man in my life again?
I don’t think I would ever trust a thing again from him and I would always be walking on eggshells wondering if this or that is a lie…
Yes I miss what I thought were the beautiful moments and he swears that they were his best memories…really? Then why is he married to a horrible immature filthy woman, as he calls her?

You are missing the contact because it was sudden. There was no closure. You had no time to discuss things further and you don’t know his true story.
I know the hurt and I feel for you just as though it’s me.
One thing I keep in mind also…I wanted to have self respect. I didn’t want to be chasing a married man and look like a neurotic stalker by contacting him and asking him “why won’t you respond”. I did that at the beginning and I saw it got me nowhere and I didn’t feel good about myswlf doing that…I needed to have my dignity and self respect. It was hard but I then decided NC was the way. He contacted me at Xmas wanting to know why I stopped contact and that’s how the hoovering began.
For you it’s just the beginning and you just we were with him. It’s not nice what he has done and it’s further proof of his manipulation and lying and cheating.
Hang in there and pls do not contact him

I think that the time thing and the airport thing is a game. I think its all about having power and control over you, and keeping you guessing which feeds into the mystery of wanting to know more of this mystery man.

I remember when I spoke to my Psychopaths ex wife and when I learned all about him,..I kept the information I knew a secret. I found out he almost strangled her to death and she was hospitalized. She also told me that he would disappear for 24 hours often while she was married to him.

One day, I emailed my ex Pyscho while he was supposedly in Germany, and I told him I spoke to someone who knew him. He flipped out and demanded I told him who it was and what I knew. His exact words were, “I will not entertain a mystery and you need to tell me what happened now, and if you don’t… I will not fly back and stop in New York to see you on the way back to Germany…to Hawaii where his home base was.

Like you, I thought the mam I was involved with was single…because he skyped me almost 7 hours a day,..but then I found a woman who had his last name on Facebook from his hone based area, claiming to be married to him on her Facebook. There were no photos of the two of them together and he denied being married.

But remember that Psychopaths are manipulative, cunning and controlling and it is possible that they control a family and wife somewhere. Don’t count the being married out.

They are pathological liars.

flatsydoll22 – but I do know the gf is after him calling him and texting hm when I am there. He once told me she is like me asking where he is etc (well, this is what suspicious women who don’t trust the man they are with are like, i.e. we all look crazy and paranoid calling and texting because deep down we are suspecting for a reason). I also know that he uses his holidays to see her so he has flown to her twice and she went to him once and for periods of between 1 and 2 weeks and not 36 hours like me. I do know he spends hours playing his spaceships online everyday (his addiction apart from sex) and I do think he cannot live without playing spaceships and chatting to gf and others of course. I do think the 36 hours limit he gave me was in order for him to be able to maintain the other ones happy, especially the gf.

Mine is 34. I can’t see that one married at all. I really believe as he said that he has never been married. I don’t know how he will manage with the gf because in order for her to go to him they have to get married and he has clearly told me he doesn’t want to (according to him that is why they fight all the time because that is what she wants and that is what he doesn’t want). Well, it is normal anyway that people don’t get married without knowing each other just because of a visa. He says he wants to get to know her but without having to get married so maybe she goes and lives there with him but I can’t see how would that work if this man needs someone who accepts he plays spaceships all the time and then he would have to stop having sexual encounters. How will he give up his 2 addictions??

Anyway, I see 2 clear differences here with the rest of the stories and with psychopaths in general:

1. mine never love bombed me much at all and he never had any relationship with me as in gf and bf or he didn’t promise me one or made me think I was the love of his life. He basically wanted sex

2. I don’t feel mine is lying at all. In fact, I think he was cruel to the extreme and even when it wasn’t necessary he told me stuff he didn’t need to tell me just to hurt me but that after all was true like telling me he was having sex with such and such.

And this is why I am confused and still wonder if this man is a psychopath really because he didn’t lead me on. He didn’t promise me one thing to then not deliver it. In fact, I think he has been much more honest with me than he is being with his gf. So my question persists: is he just a jerk who likes to have multiple affairs and then a “proper” gf?

Blue dolphin
Yes I too debated and still do at times if he is anything disordered.
I mean, how can a person be so attentive and loving and never ever say or do a mean thing to me, the way a disordered person is supposed
To behave. He didn’t have “all” the correct traits that a P or S OR N have. Some were there and some were not…so I must be wrong.
When we were together everything seemed perfect he couldn’t be abnormal. He seemed to have empathy and show emotions at times.
He didn’t take my money or anything like that.
In my case it was his actions and words that didn’t match.
Telling me nobody else is involved when I had so much proof there was.
Telling me the girl he married was NOT in the picture just weeks before he married her while vacationing with me.
I could go on but you get the idea.
They don’t have to have all the traits to be considered “S N or P”. And even if they are none of the typical traits they just are not decent ppl.
You don’t insinuate rape to someone you care about. That isn’t normal.
He is thinking of being with his “gf” who he doesn’t know that we’ll? That’s very impulsive and I have read impulsivity is a trait. But he lies, cheats, triangulates and shows no empathy it seems, which is plenty to be considered not normal whatever the title.
Perhaps he told you the truth about himself because he knows it’s not something he wants and you will have nothing to blame him for later on, because he told you he is who he is out front.
Oh..you are correct about the language thing. He called you illiterate I assumed he meant you didn’t speak his language when your writing to me is very clear and well spoken I couldn’t understand why your English wasn’t good. Sorry about that.

janedoe – I know, you are very right, that even if he wrote back to me I will never be able to have something decent with this person and I don’t mean at a relationship level because that is out but even as a friend or someone to count on. Sometimes I have imagined being his gf and my God, all I see is myself running away. I would never ever be able to do it, of course knowing all I know now but then again, the gf, I am sure, doesn’t know all that I know so then it is a different story.

Some of you say how your partners/bfs/husbands were so nice at the start but thing is mine did never ask even how I was. If I had back pain or tooth pain he wouldn’t even ask how I was going. I really felt I was an object to him. He literally didn’t care about me at all. It was also surprising that he never asked questions about my life, about me, nothing. He never seemed to have an interest. The questions people ask me are a great indication of the level of interest they have in me and this guy never asked anything. Another shocking thing is that he didn’t seem to care about the age, nationality, nothing. I think anything was valid as long as it is a woman. I remember that after speaking on voice only on Skype for about 2 months when he finally saw me on cam I had to ask him what he thought of me. I mean, the normal is that when someone first sees you on cam after having chatted for 2 months they tell you if you are different from what they thought or if you look nice or younger than your age or whatever. Ok, this guy said absolutely nothing. I had to ask and even like that he said that he didn’t like me fishing for compliments. I am tired of listening to the same stupid elusive answers he throws at me. I remember trying to rationalize with him as if I was talking to a 2 year old child telling him that I was just asking for his opinion and not fishing for compliments at all. It was all in vein because it was always his way. If he didn’t like the topic or it didn’t suit him he would ask me to change topic. He would say I could ask anything but that he didn’t need to respond and my conversations where all like this. I felt I couldn’t go anywhere with him while talking to him. Then he would tell me to talk about interesting topics and he was there as if I was meant to give an speech while many times he was playing online games while talking to me, chatting to others at the same time or going to sleep and falling asleep while I was on the cam. Sometimes if someone else called him he would tell me he was going to pick up the other call because I wasn’t the most important person for him. Cruel, cruel, cruel.

I really don’t know. I have always felt there was something with this guy. Not only because of his behaviours, attitudes, disrespect, etc but as I said one day while talking to him and I think it was one of the few days we actually had a grown up conversation apart from telling me he has a gf he was about to tell me something else. He told me there was something else and if I really wanted to know or something like that. He was about to tell me and then he hesitated and said how he learnt that there are things that one needs to keep for themselves and tell no one because once they are said there is no way back. He told me how he said it to a gf before and she couldn’t take it and she broke up. I was very suspicious and kept wondering what it would be. That was very revealing. Ok, I wasn’t a gf and wasn’t going to be so I wouldn’t leave him but still he didn’t tell. Which secret or private matter you wouldn’t tell a gf because she might leave you. All it comes to my mind is that he does know he has a mental disorder but I could be wrong.

And you are very right. I am missing the contact because there was no closure, no reason, no explanation and it has been so sudden and cruel. I was only with him recently, being intimate and sharing time together and next thing he has made you disappear off the face of the earth. It is cruel and yes, I don’t know the true story.

Yes, my God, I feel so embarrassed of myself. After all he did and stupid me sending messages like crazy begging him to give me an explanation because that is all I am asking for, telling him that if it is over that is fine but that at least he tells me so. Since I am blocked on whatsapp and Skype I tried sending sms, emails, even whatsapps from another mobile till he blocked me there too and it is just crazy. But the more he ignores me it seems the more anxious I get. I just wanted a proper explanation, something. For God’s sake I was only with him recently, I just wanted a reason why, something, not just a coward hit on a block button because that really shows me all I have been to him for these 6 months. Is it possible? Is it possible to lack so much empathy? So you chased him too at the beginning looking for an explanation too?

You just don’t insinuate rape to someone you care about, I think you don’t insinuate rape to anyone. And not only that, our 3rd encounter and he told me he would have to beat me in order for me to understand something, so in 36 hours I had beating, raping and finally, telling me he was glad I was leaving. What would happen in a 4th meeting I wonder. Am I really stupid? I think his abuse has been so constant that although I know it is not right I have become to see it as normal, I think I have become so used to it in a way that it doesn’t shock me anymore and that is a dangerous thing to head to.

I’m thinking about your situation and I am not sure what to think,because he didn’t love bomb you. Mine told me he was going to move from Hawaii…back to the East coast to live with me and he told me that I was the one. It was cosmic and he did Skype me for 3 months..5 to 7 hours a night 5 nights a week. He skyped Weekends too, but I got a bit suspicious because he often didn’t Skype on Saturday night…and I did question that.

After 3 months I let him fly to see me..and after he left I had a bad instinct so I broke up with him. There was something that frightened me about him. When I became insecure knowing he was leaving after his 5 day stay, he could not handle the intimacy of my emotions. He made me meditate to try to push down me feelings. Then I became anxious because all I wanted to do…was tell him long distance is difficult to deal with and that I’m going to miss him. When I did that he began to rage. He made me go take a bath. It was so controlling. I never experienced a person this controlling. I then put my arms around him and told him I’m sorry and became very submissive. But I could feel him try to control his rage and the reason why I appolygizef is because I feared he was going to hit me and get physically violent. I could see in the first 5 days in person that he has a deep fear of intimacy and a rage inside himself.

After he left I broke up with him. When I tried to speak to him 1 months afterwards he blocked me. Then 2 months went by and he unblocked me after I apologizes many, many times.

I am pretty sure if I didn’t have a new boyfriend and I apologized to him again…the cycle of abuse would continue.

Blue dolphin
That sounds very sad for you..that he never asked about your day or anything you are interested in or about you personally. That would have made me really upset if it were all about him all the time.
Actually…it pretty much was about him all the time. I went along with it and not to we didn’t have a lot of good times but it was pretty much what he wanted.
I don’t understand exactly why yours has this mean streak but perhaps this is more an indication that he is most def disordered. I think that tough exterior he has is enough to keep you away…but I know, you saw the good in him, believe me I know.
That is also very strange that he didn’t remark on what he thought once he saw you on skype and I would most def ask what he thought if he’d said nothing…that is NOT normal behaviour on his part. I think it’s human nature to be curious and comment on something like that. That there is a warning sign from the beginning, about his strange character. He almost sounds as though he has a major chip on his shoulder and nobody is going to get through his exterior. But it is not an excuse to treat you this way OR cheat on his “gf”. I do find that odd he calls her this considering it doesn’t sound as though they see each other?
When he wanted to tell you something and did not…that is frightening! Why would he go that far to tell you this and then not tell you? Did he want you to beg hkm? So that he could demean you and tell you awful things and do not dare ask this or that?? Sounds a bit controlling or a control freak as though things must go his way, such as timing your visits and dictating to ppl not to wear makeup??
I know it hurts probably more than anything you’ve ever felt, but once you see clearly and NC has been implemented, like everyone here and i promise, you will see the light. Right now you aren’t seeing the clarity and you have a lot of unanswered questions. And you know what? They most probably will not get answered. Here I am a year later with so many questions that were never answered and will not get answered. It kills me that I can’t get answers but inwill not contact him anymore. I have told him this and he tells me he will continue emailing me because he can’t let me go, in case things change in the future!
What?? Ok screw off…I’m not sitting here waiting for that after what he did to me!! Believe me if I went back it would not take me long to be on edge and worried he is up to his old crap again…they do not just stop lying.
And yes like you I contacted him at the beginning of he discard quite a few times. He didn’t respond for weeks. And when he did, none of my questions were answered and I would respond back and again he would take weeks to respond. That’s when I started NC….
You are not stupid, it is not your fault you didn’t see this coming. He did this to you and there are others like he told you and he is doing this to his gf…not a good sign.

janedoe – Yes, everytime I asked what he thought of me his answer was: “I don’t like you fishing for compliments”. Once he told me something positive about me and then he said he would tell me another compliment in a week’s time (I had to wait for a week). Then when I asked what it was that he was going to tell me he said: “oh, you have been thinking about that all week”. Really, it was cruel, I am telling you it was cruel.

The gf lives in another continent so that is whey they can’t see each other. Well, they have met three times but he cheats on her constantly or as much as he can of course, I suppose depending on the amount of women he can get.

When he was talking about that additional thing he was about to tell me I don’t think what he wanted is for me to beg him to tell him. I thought it was more something very private or serious enough that he thought it was better I didn’t know. If that gf he had broke up with him because she couldn’t take it when he told her, and from there onwards he decided that it is better to keep certain things for himself, that means it was something serious. It could be something like he does know he has a mental problem or who knows what?

2 months ago when he unblocked me he told me: “aren’t you happy you are able to talk to me again?” His comments were all the time like this:
“appreciate it that I call you”,
“if I give you a finger don’t take my arm”,
“I will call you when I want to”,
“you can ask questions but I can choose not to reply”,
“can you stop undermining my authority?”,
“no one entitles you to know my future steps except me and if you have issues with accepting that you force me to break it to you the hard way”
“Will you change? I had very little patience with you before. Now, I have none left. Anything goes wrong, any back talk and it is over!!!”
He asked me several times if I am addicted to him just when I wanted to talk to him
Another time after I sent him a few messages and he didn’t answer, he told me that he felt I wanted his attention and that then he called me because he felt pity
So many times he hung up on me. He one day counted 3, 2, 1 and hung up. He would ask me: “how many minutes do you want to talk to me today?”
He asked me if I know the cat and mouse game

I could go on forever. So I am thinking why did he bother talking to me at all?

Blue dolphin
My god this one is a control freak! On top of his sociopathic ways he wants to mold you too?
He gives you time limits and he seems he punishes you for absurd things?!!!
I mean making you wait one week til he will give you another “treat” basically is what it sounds like, is inhumane…
Even if he weren’t an s, p or n, this treatment is cruel…you are not an animal!!!
I am not judging you at all, but what was it that attracted you to hkm?
Althougb mine is a crackpot I fell for him because the lovebombing was so strong and I had never experienced it before so he got me that way. Also the promises he made, the numerous attempts he made to visit me and make sure we were together, he was “nice” but not really because he did what he did. Yours started out immediately like you said not making promises or drowning you in proposals or telling you he loves you a hundred times per day like mine did…(big red flag btw)….
I am guessing he still has not contacted you? Is it possible he is with the gf and is avoiding any outside contact?

That is why I have been constantly saying that my story doesn’t fit with the rest here because he did not love bombed me and all these comments were so awful. Yes, telling me I would have to wait for a week to get more compliments. Then of course, a week passed by and he didn’t tell me those compliments and I was there asking what it was and that he had told me that he would give me more compliments. I humiliated myself to the extreme. Even like that he was making fun of me because he knew I had been thinking about it so he went and said “oh you have been thinking about it all week”. That is cruel to the extreme.

So many times he hung up on me, told me I had 4 minutes to talk and to structure and plan my talk, other times as I said, he would ask me how many minutes I wanted to talk for, other times he would just count down and hang up. If I said anything he didn’t like he would hang up and then I would be begging him to call me back and he wouldn’t. He would say I had my chance and I wasted it so I would have to wait for another day and on and on and on…….

The same now when I told him how 2 weeks ago we were together as remembering our time together and he said a cold “yeah”. I said: “you don’t seem to remember much or it doesn’t mean much to you” and he said:”and it means everything to you”. Cruel, cruel, cruel x 10000 times

As I said, when I talked to him on Skype I guess I was just talking for the sake of talking. I didn’t expect anything out of it. I never thought we would even meet. It was when I met him in person that I got hooked because there he was nice and when he went back he sent me those nice messages telling me how glad he was that he met me and that he had had a great weekend, and that thanks to me he knew he wasn’t crazy and that he wanted to meet me again, and that he was so happy I was the way I was, and that he hadn’t been that happy in a long time (considering he had been with his gf on holidays for 2 weeks only weeks before meeting me). That is when I got hooked.

No, he hasn’t contacted me at all. I am blocked on whatsapp and Skype. I sent him emails (don’t know if he blocked me there) and sms. Yesterday I tried whatsapp from another mobile and initially he read the messages and then he blocked me there too. No, he is not with gf, I know that. So that is not the reason for avoiding me.

My last sentence to him was that I will not meet him because I don’t meet beaters. That is when he blocked me. Then I was furious and I threatened him with telling his gf because I told him I have her number (although I don’t) and I told him I saw the number on his phone on the screen while she rang when I was at his house. I don’t know now whether he is really angry with me because I was threatening with telling his gf plus he may think I was spying on his phone (I wasn’t. His landline phone happened to ring when he was in the bathroom and I just looked at the screen on the phone and saw the number. it is not like I was spying his mobile but still).

janedoe – also other times when I begged him to call me back because he had hung up on me he would say “ok, I will call back but only if you behave”

I have made a list of comments he has made to keep reading them and there are many missing because there have been so many that I can’t recall at times.

Bluedolphin, as others have said, you don’t need to check all the boxes in order for him to be disordered/a Sociopath.

In my case, mine never overtly devalued and discarded me. I never experienced silent treatments. Make no mistake, he lied, cheated, triangulated (had no idea what that was at the time). The entire relationship was a devalue.

The other thing that took me time to wrap my head around is that I took him at his word. It wasn’t until I started reading here ..understanding how these people operate..along with memories and nightmares that I understood how much he lied to me.

Bluedolphin, you keep saying he didn’t love bomb you….but he did! Look how fondly you recall your first in person visit with him. Your whole perception changed! You stayed because despite all his outrageous admissions, you were hoping to see and be with the guy who showed up on that first visit.

Once you were hooked, the abuse and devalue started. He would push you away, and then reel you back in.

That is classic sociopathic behavior.

I understand that you feel that by telling you all those admissions upfront that he was being truthful. However, that doesn’t mean he was truthful about everything else.

In fact, admitting he had all those issues is a means to manipulate. They admit to all those issues (true or not) so that you think he is trying to bond with you; so you think that if he admits all these problems upfront, then he must be an honest person. You also start looking at him as someone who is “broken.” And that maybe, he can be fixed. Or as you are doing, you doubt that he is disordered. You hope….and they LOVE to manipulate our thoughts of hope….that he is “just a typical jerk.” He’s not that bad.

I also know you feel strongly that what he told you about the girlfriend is true. The fact is you have no idea what went on between the two of them. She loved her make up more than him. What normal guy even thinks about make up? You don’t know if they broke up all the time. He just told you they did.

In other words, I worry for you that you believe he is truthful.

Again, please know that I’m not trying to hurt you by pointing out that I think this guy lied to you. I just fear that you are still enamoured with the nice guy who visited you that first trip. I fear for your safety should he unblock you and respond to your attempts to talk to him again.

I wish you nothing but the best.

Blue dolphin
He almost sounds like a dangerous cult leader.
What does he think he is doing by treating you like this? What does he want from you?
Is he hoping hou recognize he has serious issues and he’s using that to lure you in, almost so you will pity him? But who would pity a mean and cruel person like that.
I hope the NC went ok for today?
I hope he doesn’t contact you and apologize for his behaviour for ignoring you..that would just put you back to square one and I believe you are now starting to realize and maybe come to terms with the way he treats you and that it’s not acceptable

By the way…. We broke up 3 times and went through 3 cycles of idealize… Devalue and attempted discard.

Every time he tried the discard I’d jump on it and it would become a mutual discard.

2.5 months ago he requested me as a Linkekin friend. He asked me if I was dating. I said I have a boyfriend. He responded by saying congratulations…excellent and then deleted his entire Lindekin profile.

I emailed him to say we could be friends and he attacked me saying I’d be a terrible friend. He said Goodbye and I said…you’ve said that 20 times in the past.

To be honest I really did love the guy. I really wish he didn’t have a disorder because we had music in common and quite a lot in common. I found him on more than 10 date sites. Ranging from match.com to fetish and S&M websites. He has a serious addiction and he will always be fishing for more victims…for sex, money or anything that he is searching for. I can’t have that. Men like this are dangerous psychologically and they can give a women a disease because of their risky lifestyles. But I did love the guy. And I do mourn over that. If only he didn’t have the disorder. Its a disorder. If you tell yourself he has a disorder… You will answer all of your questions. Disorder is the answer to your questions.

Hey you both:

Go to…
Luckyottershaven.com
Its a support blog…and it will help you. It helped me.

I am just feeling lost. I read people’s stories here and mine doesn’t seem to be similar to any. My head is spinning. Everyone here at least had an initial nice time with them, most people here were their gf or wife or they were made believe they would be one. My story does not seem to fit with any of this.

Mine was disrespectful all the time from the start.
Mine didn’t love bombed me as such
Mine didn’t made me believe I would be his gf or the love of his life
He didn’t lead me on. He was brutally honest with me in fact.
People say how their sociopath came back trying to get them back, mine didn’t.

I am more and more confused and upset and depressed because I don’t know and don’t have a clue what this guy was doing with me. All I know is that this went on for 6 months and that we met 3 times and if he hated me that much he could have just stopped it all after he visited me in my country. After all, he had already got what he wanted. I don’t get it.

If anyone has any hints, suggestions, opinions as to what this guy was doing with me I would very much appreciate it. I just don’t seem to be able to fit my story with the rest here and that is why I keep doubting whether he really was a psychopath because psychopaths use an idealization phase and I don’t feel mine did.

I wish I could say, “oh yes, he ticks the boxes” and now I am relieved to see that he is one but he doesn’t. My story seems to be so different to the rest 🙁

Sorry, I am feeling so down. My head cannot think clearly anymore.

Bluedolphin, HUGE HUGS TO YOU 🙂

It is hard to come to terms with the fact that you were dating a sociopath. When I finally crawled away from my ex h and found a counselor who told me who he was that he had NO CONSCIOUS it took me 3 weeks to come to terms with this fact. But I knew it was true but still it took me 3 weeks to come to terms with his disorder.

The guy you were dating is VERY DISORDERED!!! Please know this it does not matter what his diagnosis is it only matters that you stay away from this evil guy.

If every vicim of a sociopath truly looked back on the beginning of their relationship with a sociopath they would see RED FLAG AFTER RED FLAG like you did. My ex h was not nice in the beginning either…yes he would do things that were nice but his behavior was odd, manipulative and selfish right from the second I met him.

My first impression of him was “a tornado” my second impression was he was “CRZAY”!!! I saw the red flags but ignored them and so did you. SEE HIS ACTIONS NOW = HE IS EXTREMELY ABUSIVE, CUNNING, MANIPULATIVE, EVIL, ETC….This is what you need to see. Who cares if he means all of the things others went through….you just have to see him now for who he is PURE EVIL!!!

When I first read your post what stood out the most was your ex used a lot of “reward & punishment” techniques to control you….to manipulate you…

for example he said if you were good he would talk to you for 4 mins but he hung up on you at 3:30 mins….this is mental control he used on you….like a parent does to a child or a pet owner to his pet to control them to train them to be subservient. Your ex learned how to mentally control his subjects right from the get go this is another reason why he is soo sooo DANGEROUS!!

He was training you to please him by punishing you.

These evil guy want total control & power of their victims. THIS GUY WAS MASTERFUL AT MANIPULATING NOT ONLY YOU BUT COUNTLESS OTHER VICTIMS!!! You are not his only victim.

YOU KNOW SOMETHING IS CLEARLY MENTALLY WRONG WITH THIS EVIL GUY…how do I know this? because you search the net and found this site and others!

Please please please call your countries National Domestic Abuse hotline 800-799-SAFE to talk with a free counselor 24/7 365 days a year.

YOU ARE IN A ABUSIVE EMOTIONAL, MENTAL, VERBAL, AND PHYSICALLY RELATIONSHIP WITH THIS GUY.

To me your story does not seem different it’s just he skipped the love bombing stage and went right to the brain washing & mind control stage using reward and punishment to control you.

This is from the site Freedom of mind resource center. com. Steven Hassan the site creator is a cult & domestic abuse expert who states that these evil people will use mind control techniques to control their victims…your ex seemed to use emotional control mind control manipulation on you. To see the full list of info on how these evil guys brain wash their victims google “bite model freedom of mind resource center” and also do a search on LF for Steven Hassan & his book.

“Emotional Control

1. Manipulate and narrow the range of feelings ”“ some emotions and/or needs are deemed as evil, wrong or selfish
2. Teach emotion-stopping techniques to block feelings of homesickness, anger, doubt
3. Make the person feel that problems are always their own fault, never the leader’s or the group’s fault
4. Promote feelings of guilt or unworthiness, such as
a. Identity guilt
b. You are not living up to your potential
c. Your family is deficient
d. Your past is suspect
e. Your affiliations are unwise
f. Your thoughts, feelings, actions are irrelevant or selfish
g. Social guilt
h. Historical guilt
5. Instill fear, such as fear of:
a. Thinking independently
b. The outside world
c. Enemies
d. Losing one’s salvation
e. Leaving or being shunned by the group
f. Other’s disapproval
6. Extremes of emotional highs and lows ”“ love bombing and praise one moment and then declaring you are horrible sinner
7. Ritualistic and sometimes public confession of sins
8. Phobia indoctrination: inculcating irrational fears about leaving the group or questioning the leader’s authority
a. No happiness or fulfillment possible outside of the group
b. Terrible consequences if you leave: hell, demon possession, incurable diseases, accidents, suicide, insanity, 10,000 reincarnations, etc.
c. Shunning of those who leave; fear of being rejected by friends, peers, and family
d. Never a legitimate reason to leave; those who leave are weak, undisciplined, unspiritual, worldly, brainwashed by family or counselor, or seduced by money, sex, or rock and roll
e. Threats of harm to ex-member and family”

Jan7 – thanks so much for your comments and advice. Actually, it was June when I started to search on the net for psychopathy. One article I found really shocked me when I read in it that sometimes psychopaths tell their victims which make-up to wear or not to wear make-up at all. When I read that my heart skipped a beat. This guy had been forever telling me how he fought with his ex gf because she loved make up more than him. Then he got a new gf (the current one) and coincidence, he told me how he fought with her everyday because she wanted to use make up and he doesn’t want her to. He said that if she came with make up when she visited him he would be single again. And I was thinking, what the hell is going on here with the stupid make-up? and he had problems with the ex because of the make-up and now with the current one the same thing…..So yes, back in June I started to read a bit although not a lot. I also read how they need little sleep maybe 4-5 hours a night and my heart skipped another beat because this guy sleeps very little and he is always saying he is tired, that he falls asleep at work, he sleeps about 5 hours a night. He knows that is bad but he says he needs 6 hours after work to play his spaceships and of course, I suppose to stay in touch with the multiple women.

In another post to janedoe, I wrote some of the comments he made to me and these comments were constant, not just once in a blue moon. Yes, always controlling me, he is the one deciding how, when and why. I have no say in anything, very very cruel and manipulative. It is as if he knows in advance what I am going to feel and want and he plays with that. The same way at the very start he told me I would get addicted to him and later on he told me I was addicted already and that I didn’t know it yet.

After the second time with him in person I remember I got a weird feeling. Once I came back, I would go to bed and I would feel scared when I thought of him. For some reason, after my second meeting with him, although he hadn’t done anything to me as such in a physical way, something told me that I didn’t feel safe with him. Perhaps the way he made me wash my hair when I arrived at his house because he said that after having been on plane I needed to wash my hair because there is dirty air in airplanes and he hates that and I felt scared somehow and although I didn’t want to wash it I felt I had to because I feared he would do something to me. Maybe I was paranoid but I got a gut feeling telling me that it was better if I did wash my hair. It was as I had a strange feeling that he may do something to me, I don’t know why. Then, when I went this last time and I heard how he talked about having to beat me the next time and the raping comment, I was shocked. Even now I have difficulty in believing myself. I even doubt myself because I cannot believe he said what he said but I do know he did. So it is like my feelings from before about being scared about him were being reconfirmed. This time I saw a very dangerous and dark side of him I hadn’t seen before.

Our initial nice time was all a lie. The love bomb is not different them the abuse you faced in the beginning of what you went through. I think the difference between mine and yours is that we were accessed differently. I told mine I was looking for a monogamous partner to share my life with. That I was looking for the one to settle down too. He knew if he told me he was a womanizer…he would never get what he wanted from me. I believe yours accessed you knowing he would get more out of you by not love bombing you.

I’m not sure,…but hopefully the moderator will jump in on this one.

Do not feel bad or confused. The beginning of my relationship was a combined effort of gaslighting and a mask of a projection of what he believed I wanted to hear to become hooked on him.

Yours decided you would be receptive to a triangulation of a fantom GF.

Can you remember the questions he asked you early on?? And the answers you gave him?? There might be information you gave him that made him go in the direction he went with you.

Whatever it is always know the love bomb is a lie. Its no different then then being mean. Its all a chess game to get you to submission so they can tear you down.

Blue dolphin
Yeh yours sounds a lot different than how the typical S approaches.
But keep in mind…there is a wide spectrum as to what makes a person a sociopath. Even if he is not one…think to yourself if you’d really be happy in your life with the way he treats you and all the others???
Hon, I know how awful it is and I know what you feel and I know NC is killing you at the moment and you feel there’s no way you can do it…but…you have to. You have to keep busy, get a hobby, socialize with friends anything to keep you busy. Another huge thing is not to discuss it with ppl who haven’t gone through this because they will just say eventually to get over it and how could you allow yourself this treatment? You can not “just get over it” this is impossible and your friends will not understand. You need to come on here and spend a lot of time reading, coming on here and letting out the way you feel and find out as much as possible about this treatment. Without understanding it, you can’t get better. When you feel it’s the right time (the sooner the better though) you need to stick by NC, for your self respect. It doesn’t seem possible but it’s the number one step in the process.
So many ppl on here give out great advice and jwant to help
You have to come to terms with the fact you won’t get answers why he is the way he is or why he didn’t do things the typical way a sociopath does, he is disturbed any way you look at it and is not healthy to be around 🙁 I’m sorry to have to be so blunt

janedoe – yes, exactly, people do NOT understand me. All they say is how in the name of God can I be so stupid to have accepted this treatment? how can’t I see how bad he is? other people tell me as you said that I should be over it quickly and I am so so frustrated and annoyed that no one understands as if I can just switch on and off and forget. I wish I could. It would be great for me if I could be laughing at all this tomorrow but I can’t and I can’t even understand it myself. My mind says he is abusive, he is a control freak, he is inhuman, he is evil, he is cruel, he is or might be dangerous and then all this stays at the back of my mind and my heart says “I miss him”, “I want to contact him”, I am addicted, hooked whatever and I don’t even know why. People ask me why? and I tell them I can’t explain, I can’t give a reason why.

For 6 months he has been saying abusive comments and he has had abusive attitudes and I really think that although I know it is completely wrong, it has come to a point where I don’t see it as bad as when you hear it for the first time. I am not as shocked and I am feeling that the longer it goes on the more normal I will see it and I feel scared to head down that way, it really scares me that I am losing ability to say “no”, “enough” that I am not capable to admit that this is outrageous. I feel as if I am normalizing his behaviour, as if I was brainwashed.

I remember how at the start he could clearly see I wasn’t the type of woman who just goes and has sex with men, only when in a relationship, etc. then he told me I was indoctrinated by the ages old doctrines of monogamy and that I was thin skinned, etc so he made sure he led me down his way. At the end when I accepted to meet him and perhaps have an affair with him (and only because I am single myself) then he said: “now I have you where I wanted”

It takes a long time to get over this. Take your time and don’t be hard on yourself. Do things for yourself. Treat yourself good.

Blue dolphin
Yes he has mesmerized you…into accepting how he treats you. You’re even saying you fear it will get to that point where it will be a normal thing for him to do to you.
It is comparable to someone who is in a physkcally abusive relationship. After a while they learn to accept the hitting and beatings and sometimes feel they deserve it. But they justify the reason for being hit and they learn to live with it until it’s enough abuse. They sometimes defend their spouse and believe there is another side of him that they once found sincere and love.
Kind of the same and we all do it, not just you. That’s why we are all here, we accepted it, we justified their behaviour and then we got discarded.
You are recognizing the fact of what could happen if you accept his behaviour. You’re afraid you will get to that point where it seems normal to hear him speak to you like that. That’s a big step for you. You aren’t in denial.

And often the re-idealize, devalue and discard again and again. Each cycle gets more abusive and often leads to physical abuse and the discard can result in a domestic violence death.

I had an ex boyfriend almost kill me. He put my head down on the cement of the front door stoop and he stepped on my head and for the life of my pulled me up by the hair and then beat me up. I didn’t leave until 3 months later. A rose on my dashboard or in the front door knob followed a beating.

Once your resistance is broken down…your self esteem goes down with it.

We’ve all been through abuse here. That is why we are here together.

I felt bad because he married and lived with his ex wife.

Why did he marry her? She had over 1 million dollars. She wasn’t that good looking.

With me, I was a active christian musician who ran for public office. To him he was intrigued for different motives.

Think about it? If you were going to put a mask on to rope me in…you would play the role of a bad man who became good. That’s what he did.

When I talked to his ex wife I learned he wouldn’t kiss her through the marriage. He flew in to see me 4 tines. The first time he hardly kissed me. The other times he demanded that I kissed him. Why? Because not kissing his ex wife was a way to throw her on the edge and put her down.

With me…I told him, “damn,..your am amazing kisser.”

I told him at the start that I didn’t want to have anything to do with someone who has a gf or wife. At some point I think he said that then he shouldn’t have made me believe he had a g but that there was no other way to find out if I had someone (something like that, I can’t quite remember).

Thing is even at the start when we talked on Skype he would tell me how his gf has just woken up and that he was skyping with her. That particular time was strange because if he was supposedly talking to her on Skype I am not sure how he kept typing on Skype to me all along while he was supposedly talking to his gf.

Thing is there was a gf and thing is I didn’t care at the beginning because first I didn’t even have the intention of continuing talking to him, let alone meeting him so I just didn’t care. Somehow, we continued talking and it came to a point that when he talked about flying over to me I thought “why not?”. It is not like I was in love with him or anything. I just thought, well he is coming here, I will meet him and won’t think any further. I will see what he is like and take it from there. In fact, after some of the things he had already told me I thought the encounter wouldn’t be so nice but I didn’t have anything to lose, I thought.
And after we met things changed for me drastically. I started to like him, I started to care about him. Then he talked about me going there, etc and the nice messages he sent to me once he went back after meeting me. That is how it all started.

But he always told me he had this gf and as I said he didn’t lead me on. He didn’t make think we would have something, that was not the case.

The question here is: why the abuse? why the way he treated me all along?. It is not why he made me believe we would be together and then he betrayed me. It is why if he had no intentions with me at all, which he didn’t and I knew it, why did he disrespect me? why did he treat me the way he did? why does he disappear as he has now? My point is why this behaviour towards me? why this abuse?

Bluedolphin, the reason he kept you on the hook even though he was incapable of loving you, was that he A) enjoyed having control over you, and B) liked occasionally having sex with you. This is what they are about – power and sex. And if they can exploit money out of you, they will do that too. I assume you paid for all your own plane tickets and maybe even his. Sociopaths will only spend money on you if they are trying to reel you in. After that, it’s all about the exploitation. These are the sick games they play and it is very hard for a normal person to wrap their minds around it.

When I read your story, the red flags all jumped out at me….he lives far away, he has a gf, he treated you badly in skype, etc., etc. But then I remembered when I first met the sociopath I dated, he was married. I have never in my life dated nor even been interested in a married man. He told me he was separated and about to get divorced, and I had no reason to suspect he was lying. Still he was MARRIED, and this is always a red flag for me. However, he was so clever at manipulating me to where I actually thought it was okay to be with a married man in this one instance because he was different and “really loved me”. Months down the line when I found out he was actually living with his wife (he called her his “ex” wife), I was already hooked on him. I forgave his lies because I believe he lied because he wanted to be with me SO MUCH. I was totally hooked. Even though I knew I was sinking, I couldn’t break free.

Sociopaths use certain ploys to get you hooked, as Donna points out. It is a game for them because they are not capable of real love. A person who really cares for you would not treat you the way he did. What kind of person “cares” one week, then rejects you or beats you the next week?

I was only with mine for 3 months. He lived an hour and a half away, and it was really like a long distance relationship. He was constantly unavailable and making up excuses but then calling me constantly telling me how much he misses me and can’t wait to see me. I probably only actually saw him 5 times in 6 months. This sort of Romeo and Juliet scenario, where I was always waiting to be with him, waiting for him to break free from his wife and the army…….this anticipation for a life with him is what kept me hooked. It was a fake promise – a lie – that kept me on the line for when he wanted to have sex with me. He had no plan to get divorced. In fact, I found out later from the army that his wife had divorced him once for pathological lying, but then remarried him. The army believed the wife was in on his fraud scheme, too!

The games he played were similar to yours but not exactly the same. He would make a date with me, then stand me up. He would either have no excuse for standing me up, or he would make up an outrageous lie. I always believed the lies because I couldn’t imagine someone could make up such a complicated story.

It wasn’t until I took 4 days and went camping alone that my head cleared out. I started putting 2 and 2 together. He must have known he was losing me because he called me 25 times while I was gone, telling me how he is finally divorced and free from the army. (It turned out he was faking a medical condition to get out). Blah blah blah, it was all lies but I didn’t know it at the time. The last straw was when we made a date to meet up with me on his first day as a free man. What did he do? He stood me up with no explanation. We had just been intimate the night before, but he had to leave early (can’t remember the excuse). He was supposed to come to the pool with me the next day with his young daughter, and he stood me up with no phone call or even an email – not even a pathetic excuse. Only then did I know something was seriously wrong. And the thing that was wrong was like nothing I’d ever seen before. This was very dark and sinister. I broke off all contact with him, but not before I turned him into the army for adultery. And as an added benefit, my statement to the army helped them to convict him of fraud. In the army, faking a medical condition to get out with a disability pension is called “malingering”, and it is a serious offense.

He continued to try and exert power over me by showing up at an expo where he knew I’d be, and standing very close to me to see if I’d respond. Fortunately, I figured out this was a power play and I did not respond. I never saw or spoke to him again. At the time, I did not know what a sociopath was. Someone mentioned to me that he was one, so I googled it and found LoveFraud.

The hardest part was that the addiction took a long time to break. After dating him only 3 months, it took a year to be completely free of all the feelings. So give yourself some time – it’s normal to still feel attached. Once you get some distance you can reread your story and see all the red flags for what they are. It’s hard to see them now that you’re still feeling attached.

It took a lot of reading and gathering information to realize that sociopaths actually exert mind control over you. They all do it, and it’s very dangerous. For your own sanity and safety, please do not ever contact this guy again. If you can just stay away from him, it WILL get better.

Stargazer – well, this guy paid for his air ticket when he came over to meet me. He paid for our lunch too. Then of course, when I went over to him I paid for my air ticket. I flew twice there and stayed at his house. I wasn’t going to fly there anymore anyway because if he wanted to meet he can come here. I am not going there anymore but that is not the case anyway because after threatening with having to beat me next time there will be no more meetings anywhere. I didn’t see money an issue with him as in me having to pay for everything. Then again, I have only met him 3 times so who knows what he is like in reality.

The previous times he blocked me he unblocked me after a few days (well, the previous time to this because I was after him I suppose) but this time I do have the feeling he is not coming back at all. I know it is better not to talk anymore, etc but I just wanted at the very least that he told me this is it because he did it before. Before he told me once it was over. So at the very least I thought he would say good bye forever or something so I am basically so anxious because all I wonder is whether this is it or I can have hope that one day he may unblock me following the pattern he did before. It is the anxiety what is killing me. If he said it is over at least I would know (regardless of the fact that I know I have to finish it with it myself) but at least I wouldn’t feel as bad. Getting me out of the picture as he did hurts me badly because it is like remembering 6 months of abuse plus him sending me to hell in the end.

Yes, once he told me that I should have sex with other people, that it didn’t have to be with him but that he wanted to be an option. Terrible!!! And fine, even if he just wanted sex with me, still there is no reason for all this disrespect and abuse. Other men have affairs or whatever but that doesn’t mean there has to be abuse or disrespect.

Bluedolphin, I know this is not the best thing to hear but he may or may not contact you again, depending on what he is in the mood for that day. He knows he has you hooked so he can throw you around like a rag doll. If he does contact you to say good-bye, he will likely contact you again down the line just to prove that he still has power over you. He may even stalk you if he feels you pull away. The power he gets from discarding you and reeling you back in is just as intoxicating for them as the sex and they don’t like to lose it. The only way to take that power away is to walk away. There is nothing you can say or do that will have the last say with him except to walk away. And there is nothing he can say or do that you would ever be able to trust. I can guarantee he is doing this to several other women, too. He does not care for any of them – it’s all about power and sex.

He may have paid for a few things in the beginning because you were a challenge and he was trying to hook you. Very likely he would have tried to extort money out of you down the line. However, some of them don’t want money – only power and/or sex. Mine was a total gentleman in the 3 months I knew him – he paid for everything.

Only 2 Saturdays ago I remember I told him to call me sometime. His answer was “Only when I want to”. It was always him who would call me and when he decided to do so. Whenever I attempted to call him he never answered and I questioned him why. He said he didn’t want to. I mean, so what? he didn’t want to answer my calls in the 6 months we were talking. Everything, absolutely everything controlled by him. Normal people call when they feel like. Sometimes one person calls, sometimes the other person calls but with me he was always the one calling. Then he said “appreciate it that I call you”. He was always telling me that I had to appreciate everything he did.

Sometimes I would send messages and after 7 hours he hadn’t even responded when I know he was there (on Skype), then in a rude way when I asked why, he said “I don’t fucking have to”. Always using this “fucking” word, which I find it so rude. I think it is to even impose more control and domination and to intimidate me.

He would often send me links about videos of the spaceships online games he is addicted to and he would say “fucking click the link”. When he contacted me for the first time during the day rather than saying something like “Hi, how is your day? or how are you? it was just straight a link of a video game. Not a single questions about me about how I was, not even to say hi, or good morning or anything. I kept asking why he hadn’t replied to my messages and then he threatened with blocking me if I kept asking. Always, threatening me.

And on his birthday I sent him a message on whatsapp and he never ever replied, not even a thanks. But is this guy from Mars??? By the way, what a coincidence!! because my guy is also 10 years younger than me.

These are all power plays, blue dolpin. If you suddenly stopped contacting him, I would bet money he will be begging you to come back, and he may even start acting nice like he did in the beginning. It’s all a game to him. Think about it. If a normal, caring guy just wanted to move on, they would tell you they were busy or were dating someone else, that they wished the best for you, and would never contact you again. Hopefully, they would be nice about it if they were mature. A sociopath doesn’t “break up”. He “discards” you. That way he can keep you around for a rainy day. He doesn’t ever have to say he broke up with you. He can turn everything around and say you drove him away by being too (clingy, boring, needy, stupid, crazy….fill in the blank). This is the game they play. Believe me, this is exactly what’s going on. He knows he can control you so he is toying with you. When he sees you will accept his abusive behavior, he will dole out more. He will treat you worse and worse until you say ENOUGH. Then he will be nice to reel you back in.

The biggest mistake you could make is interpreting this as….”well he did not break up with me so he still loves/wants/needs me.” As much as it hurts, you have to understand that this man does not love you. He is exploiting you. He will never change, and there is nothing you could do to make him change.

Stargazer – yes, before he told me that I made him run away because I was clingy, like when I was at the airport with him and of course, I was expecting him to wait with me and he left after 10 minutes because he was getting nervous. So yes, I MADE HIM run away.

I know other times after blocking me he unblocked me but thing is although this time he blocked me just after I told him that I will not fly to him anymore because I don’t meet beaters, then after that I threatened him with telling his gf everything and I told him I saw her number on his phone screen while I was at his house with him because she called and he was in the bathroom. So basically, now it is not only that I called him beater (and that is the real reason he blocked me) but now he will be extremely pissed off that I threatened him with telling his gf and he will think I was spying on his phone while he was in the bathroom because otherwise I wouldn’t have her number although I didn’t spy. The phone happened to ring and I just went close to it and looked at the screen so I have my serious doubts that even if I didn’t contact him at all he will be back because I have the feeling this time I went too far with threatening him about telling his gf. He thinks I have her number and if I did call her I would ruin that for him.

Blue dolphin
Stargazer has made some
Really good points here. What she went through and you may not be the same story but the end result is the same…dangerous dangerous dangerous.
They all do the same..lie, cheat, steal, manipulate with everyone they try to hook up with. It does not matter how it’s done, but they do it any way they can.
Once mine got married I told him what he was..a sociopath. He had it all figured out with his response by saying “do you even know what one is? Would I be contacting you if I were one?” So his plot was to turn the tables and make me think I was wrong and he was right…!!!
I mean seriously did he think there is no harm in having a relationship with me, asking me to marry him, wanting my children, numerous lengthy visits together, making plans to move near me, telling me I’m the love of his life, and two weeks later after our last visit, marrying someone??
Jeez I have to laugh at how ridiculous that sounds!! And he told me he’s not abnormal? Or a sociopath??? Really??? “Wow yeh this is normal everyday behaviour you aren’t a psychopath nut job”
Do you see how dangerous that behaviour is? And you mentioned after he met you he was sending you sweet messages, maybe those were his way to love bomb you.
Stargazer is correct by saying a sociopath doesn’t care how he treats you and that’s exactly what yours did too. We all were mistreated, differently but still mistreated. I was confused at the beginning of discard because he was way too nice and sympathetic for what he had done went. Apologizing and begging me to forgive him for lying and cheating…he was so sincere in his apologies which is unlike the typical sociopath. I learned though it doesn’t matter, he did what he did, it’s wrong and whatever he is, it’s not healthy.
Keep reading and informing yourself about all of this. You will come to terms with it and accept it. It doesn’t happen overnite, just know that.

I was thinking the same about mine too. I thought why not? I’m not in love with him?? But remember they are very charming, charismatic and manipulative.

I think when you said…I don’t want a man with a Gf…he decided to push that boundary. I wanted to live with mine, and he didn’t give me what I wanted. I think he’d be all over me if I inherited a big sum of money.

I can also reflect a different sociopath in my life who had a group of friends that he orchtrated to stalk me. He had one of them slit my tire in a church parking lot. Different sociopaths have different levels of Psychopathy. And they access each victim differently. The dangerous sociopath that targeted me 5 years ago…I believe is capable of killing for an arrousal. The more recent one. I believe would for a million dollars.

I think the only thing that stops them is the fear of a jail cell.

I wanted to add that when I finally broke contact, I secretly hoped he would still contact me. I wanted to believe deep down that he really loved me and still wanted me. The way in which he moved on was very disarming and hurtful. Again, this is what they do. They “discard” their victims. They can do it with no empathy and no remorse because they never love you in the first place – they are incapable. It is not personal – they all do it. It is the way they are wired, and it is all they know. Just like a snake strikes and a bee stings, a sociopath uses people.

Stargazer
Yes! That is me to a tee!!
I told him after many months of my NC, when he rehoovered many times trying to reel me in and then discarding me the next day verbally (isn’t that nice?? He told me verbally he was discarding me! Wow!), I had enough of this silliness. I finally said “you will not hear again from me, you don’t bother to respond for weeks/months, you answer only what questions you want, and only when you have the feelings to tell me you still love me?) He replied by telling me he isn’t ready to let me go, (but he is married anyway)just in case things change for him..well I did what I said and did not contact him but deep down I know I was thrilled he wasn’t ready to leave me!! He said he’s going to continue correspondence. He reeled me back in! I waited for him to re contact me and he has not and I have not either. But to say I secretly was thrilled, after a whole year of not being together, he got me again

And that is the part that is the most dangerous, Janedoe. That secret hope and desire that he really does love/want you. It took me a long time to let go of that. When a guy truly wants you and loves you, you will know it. There will not be a doubt in your mind, even if you have trust issues.

You hope and pray the spath is just f*cked up but really still loves you. That is a dangerous conclusion. He is f*cked up but in a way that is so dangerous and sinister that it will eventually destroy a normal person who is wishing and hoping he will “come around”. He will never come around.

Stargazer
It is so dangerous like you said. I know it’s wrong but there’s that small part that wants to hear back. What is it the love bombing we were mesmerized with?
Truthfully I know i would never take this man back or knowing what I know about him, want a relationship, but there’s that small small bit of hope that resurfaces from time to time. But I know I will not contact him…I’ve said all I have to and would just be repeating myself. He is what he is and there’s no answers he can give me that changes what he is.

Stargazer is spot on. We were conditioned. Its normal to believe they cared about us. Its also normal that we cared about and loved them. Its OK to love a sociopath. But you can’t stsy with them. They are incapable of love and they are dangerous.

Its OK to mourn over the dreams and hopes he was incapable of delivering. Go ahead and mourn and cry..

When I first hooked up with the sociopath, I’d had very bad luck with men. All the men I met were either jerks or uninteresting. When I met the sociopath, he was different. He was very attentive. He came to visit for the first time and suddenly had the entire evening free to spend with me. I was used to guys who were always busy and had to go. The sociopath also complimented me on areas of my life in which I took great pride – my home, my taste in clothes, and my healthy lifestyle. (I now recognize this as love bombing). Normal guys usually do not lay it on quite so thick. The thing that was so seductive is that he seemed so sincere. He actually got very excited about a Caesar salad I made for him. This total absorption into my life was very appealing. I thought….”Wow, this is the type of guy I’ve always wanted to meet.” I’m guessing this will be VERY familiar to everyone on here….

Other mitigating factors are that I lived alone, have no family, and was aging – I was 48 at the time. I was lonely and most of my social life was online on a reptile forum(which is where I met him). He was 10 years younger, handsome, and very very nice. He wanted to help me and take care of me. He was a clean cut Iraqi vet who had fought for his country. I felt I’d really hit the jackpot. And my friends LOVED him! He brought the excitement and love into my life that I didn’t have alone. That is what made me vulnerable to him – that my life was seriously lacking.

Ironically, the guy I’m with now did everything wrong in the beginning. He was so busy he forgot our first date! But my gut feeling told me he really liked me and was a good guy. I listened to my gut and it turned out to be right. He has spent the last 5 months making up for that first date. But the best part is that if he were to still turn out to be a jerk, I wouldn’t have a problem walking away. I have a full life and many resources I didn’t have before.

Mine was a US army veteran too. He opposed the war and that appealed to my liberism. He also pulled his guitar out and we played guitar for hours everyday on Skype.

I do believe we did have some genuine common ground, because he told me his band stories from Buffalo, NY and they were entertainment and funny. He knew I liked who he really was. He knew I liked the regular guy him and wasn’t really fancying the mask he’d put on. He had this inner consciousness mask… Sort of Jim Jones thing going on. But I liked the blk boy from New York who liked guitars and cars. There was some real connecting there. So somehow he felt very betrayed when he learned I spoke to his ex.

But bottom line…he was a sex addict, womanizer who was fishing on more than 10 date sites…looking for cult recruits…people to have sex with and people to steal money from.

Early on he was everything I’d ever want in a man. Just a regularly guy who likes guitars like I did and had a good kind of obscure sense of humor. The cruel, mean him is the deranged him. But I realized he will not go back to being the regular little boy…from Buffalo, NY. I kept telling him to go back there. He kept saying I will never go back there. I learned there was a point that he became homeless.

I want to add that the guy I knew is 40 years old. I am 52. At the time I was recovering from being stalked by the other sociopath. I was also overwhelmed from my political career… Full time job and all the social groups I participated in…including my church missionary work.

So to just listen to him talk on Skype was a relief and it felt like a vacation from the stressful that I choose.

They go after vulnerable. They know your lonely. In my situation, it would have been easy to date men if I had the confidence to play the date game. Men liked me,…but I was fearful because of the prior abuse.

It felt great for me the tines I walked through town with my 6’2″ blk man with dreads by my side. I knew he would scare the other sociopath away.

Isn’t that just crazy? Till this day…I feel my new Sociopath was some kind of a blessing. He somehow managed to destroy the part of my life that needed to be destroyed. And now I’ve got my guitar and my band and I’m recording songs in a studio.

So I think the aftermath of a man like this is a perfect time to reevaluate your life and choose what you want to do with it.

I always allowed other people to choose it for me. I definitely suffered from low self-esteem and o still do.

So there are reasons as to why I do love this man and care about him. Although he didn’t set out to protect me…he somehow did. Or maybe I knew how to protect myself.

What a great self reflection, flatsydoll2. I once met a very powerful and controlling psychic healer I dated for a year and a half. In spite of his narcissism, meeting him also saved me from an emotional entanglement with an alcoholic. Being from an abusive family, I attached to the alcoholic like white on rice. And even when things went bad, I had a hard time leaving. Along came the psychic healer who gave me the strength to leave. I recall having a dream that I was sitting in a hot tub with the alcoholic and all his friends, when the new guy who was very tall, lifted me up and carried me out. This is really what it was like. During my 20’s and 30’s I went from relationship to relationship. Each one was dysfunctional in its own way, but I also learned from each one. Eventually, I got to a place where I felt my life is complete without a man. It didn’t happen until I became peri-menopausal. I wish it had happened sooner. Unfortunately, there were times in my younger days when I was truly financially and emotionally dependent on some of these men. I didn’t know any better. They were difficult days, but I have always regarded my life as a series of adventures. I hope I always do.

I didn’t know what a sociopath was when I was going through this with that guy. I was still very much “hoping” against hope when I told my pet sitter the story of what happened with him. Her eyes got very wide, and she started shaking. She told me to google “Seductive sociopath.” I didn’t even know what that was. Once I started reading, I knew what I was dealing with. There was no doubt I had to get out. It took a little longer dealing with the rage and grief, and all the longing. But it does go away, and you do get past it. It was my lucky day that the pet sitter knew what he was. Her ex was one, too. She got so triggered by what was going on with me that she cut me out of her life. This also made me angry, but I have long since forgiven her.

It’s amazing Stargazer…that we can both reflect this together and see that we can find that the Psychopath brought meaning and purpose to our lives. They closed old doors for us and its almost as if they were the transitioning part of growth in our lives….

I wish you nothing but the best.
Amille22 ”“ Yes, I guess you are right when you say this guy’s love bombing was when he first visited me and sent those messages to me when he went back. That is the time I got hooked. Also how he told me he wanted to meet me again. He even said we could make a habit of it , i.e. seeing each other again and again. Yes, that was a time I always remember as nice. Then after a while even though I had my air ticket already to visit him, that is when he started with the shocking behaviour on Skype by hanging up on me and giving me time limits. My head was spinning and I couldn’t believe what was happening. I was flying to him at the beginning of June and in May he was doing this to me on Skype. I thought how could I fly to him and meet him if he was treating me like that? I went through hell, especially because I knew we were meeting so I couldn’t understand this behaviour. I was about to cancel my ticket but at the end I went. It was hell what happened before me flying there.

I always have the feeling he was so honest in telling me that he was hostile, a sex addict, impatient, insatiable, etc because he knew he didn’t want anything serious with me. I mean, I doubt it very much for example that when he started talking to his now gf he would have been telling her that because with her, he wants to have a “relationship”. With me, he knew he didn’t want anything serious so maybe the abuse is even worse or more overt. He also told me at the very start that he was sad for a reason, that he didn’t want happiness and to respect the broken man he is.

He told me 10 years ago he had proposed marriage to a girl he didn’t even know (this was strange to me) but that she didn’t get married to him. Instead she married another guy. He told me he knew he would die if he couldn’t be with her and he only wanted one gf in his life. Since that event he told me that the nice guy died years ago and he can never have such feelings for someone anymore, that now he just has sex with married women so that they don’t have to get divorced and that he had had sex with at least 30 women by now or more”..this is all so weird——

That was the ex gf, one that lives in his town. He was with her and at the beginning he told me that she loved make-up and jewellery more than him and so he flew off to this new girl (the current gf) met her and made her his new gf. Recently, however he told me that the ex gf broke up with him because she wanted to get married and he didn’t.
Now, with the new gf he says they break up all the time and fight and coincidence, he has the same issue with her because he says she wears make-up and he doesn’t want to. I was thinking how weird the make-up thing and that he has issues with all his gfs for the same issue. But then he told me they fight too because she wants to get married and he doesn’t. Well, in this case getting married I suppose it makes more sense because it would be one of the few ways for her to stay in his country for visa reasons as she is from another continent. But yes, I don’t have a clue of course whether what he tells me is true or not.

But really, why would he tell me they break up all the time anyway? It is not like he is trying to give me hope I will have something with him because he always told me he doesn’t want to be my bf. I think it is true what he says. Sometimes he told me how they hadn’t spoken for a few days and that they fight all the time. He even said that if she went there to live with him they would be fighting all the time the same they did when they were on holidays. He said she is simple minded and too stupid to get a visa an job, that she is an angry woman”..everytime he said something about her was something negative.
I really think he has an issue with make-up. He talked about this from the very beginning.
Even now, having this gf, one day he told me that he calls his ex gf and that she doesn’t want to talk to him. He told me he wanted to go sailing with her but that how can he go with her if she doesn’t speak to him. I was thinking why would you have to call your ex gf?

I don’t wear make-up and he said that is the type of woman he wants. Someone who doesn’t need to wear make up to feel beautiful. Then I told him that once I used some make up because I had a wedding and he started telling me that then I was inconsistent because I had said I never wear make up so he said: then why did you put it on for the wedding??? I was like, is he crazy?

Janedoe ”“ that is exactly my question: why or what for is he treating me like that??? Exactly, what does he want from me? I doubt it very much it is for me to see he has serious issues and that way I will pity him.

As I said before, he knew he didn’t want anything serious with me so I think that is the reason he didn’t even need to bother trying to be nice to me at the start. I suppose that when he really wants to trap someone in like his gf, he is much nicer and more careful as to not being abusive because any normal person knows that if you want to trap someone at the start you have to play it right regardless of the real motives you have down the line with them. But with me, why so blatant? Why treating me like this non stop? Yes, what does or did he want from me??? Always putting me down. I made some mistakes typing on whatsapp because I hate typing on the phone and he would tell me “ I can’t believe how bad your English is” and on and on and on. Or that I am a bad listener, or that I have bad memory, that I am ignorant, etc.

He has never ever and I repeat NEVER said the word “sorry to me. I swear, that not once has he said sorry to me for anything. I know how people here say your partners or bfs love bombed you and then they came back being after you and telling you they were sorry and telling you they wanted to be in your life, etc”..mine has never done anything like it.

It was always always my fault. When I visited him the first time according to him “I spoilt it”, “I made him run away”, “I was clingy”, it is always me. He told me I ignored him and that for that he hoped I was sorry. He has forever told me how respect is so important to him. He has always told me that mutual trust and respect are so important. I have forever told him that trust and respect works both ways (and then again, do I really need to explain this to a grown up???). He always wants respect. He even told me once that he talks to me because I respect him and his decisions but there he is, disrespecting me all along for 6 entire months, well what he has done is not just disrespect but much more and he never ever said sorry to me for absolutely anything. I will give you an example:

We went sailing when I visited him. He brought another couple because it was important to have another person who knew about sailing in case something happened and the other guy knew about sailing. I thought it was just me and him going sailing. He invited the couple and after he informed me about it. I was pissed off because it should have been the other way around, i.e. first telling me he was going to invite someone over to see what I thought but no, he didn’t. Right, him and the other couple are Germans but all with excellent English. I don’t speak German and so I speak English all the time with him. For lengthy amounts of time they were speaking German on the boat. I mean, I understand if sometimes they did as it is their native language and maybe for some things it was necessary for them to use their native language but I did feel it went on for too long. I felt completely neglected and left out. I was feeling so bad and about to cry on the boat. At one point he was saying something in German with the other 2 and he told me: did you understand or get what I was saying now? I was so angry that in front of the 3 of them I went and told him: “wait a minute, I will say something now in my mother tongue (which he doesn’t speak) and I will ask you if you understood. Of course, I wanted to behave because of the other 2 people but I couldn’t take it anymore so I showed them that I was really pissed off. Right, after I left the country and that is when he walked away from me at the airport, he said: “ok, maybe he were talking in German for quite a while but didn’t you want to learn German anyway?”. It is true I want to learn German and I had told him so but do you honestly think that was a reaction to my anger about having felt neglected? That is not the moment to learn a language. That was a lame excuse for him not to ever say “sorry, I understand that you felt neglected or whatever. I would never bring him over to my country, bring 2 other people along when he is the only one who doesn’t speak our language and speak my native language with the other 2 in front of him for long periods of time because that is disrespect to the extreme.

Blue dolphin
You have every right in the world to be angry even if the guy is a loving and attentive man with you, any relationship shd have respect and boundaries and he did over step them by speaking another language in front of you. That is just rude and he obviously doesn’t know better. Like you said, would you have done that to him of the table was turned?
He says the most important thing in a relationship is respect from both sides?? Is that what he thinks he is teaching you? He wants you to show him respect but where is his respect? He said both parties need to show it. This guy thinks he is a god! And his makeup rules? Not normal…if you looked like a clown and applied makeup ridiculously, ok maybe down the road it can be discussed, but at this point?
He has some very serious issues he must deal with before he is busy telling others how to run their lives.
Perhaps he was brought up very strictly and doesn’t know better and not to be racial or anything but I think Germans are very diligent and strict people? Maybe it has tondo with this.
But he must learn this is not the behaviour that is tolerated in this world today. He can’t talk to you this way, tell you when he wants to speak with you, what to wear it how many minutes he will allow you to speak. I can see why he demeans his gf, because he speaks down to ppl. He speaks to her or about her the way he expects you to behave. He thinks she lacks certain qualities so therefore he thinks she is dumb…
I can’t say one hundred percent that his intentions and everyone on here has dealt with the same behaviour but it does come down to the lack of respect each and every one of us has dealt with. Yours just does it in a very different way and none of us shd be allow any of these disordered ppl in our lives.

Bluedolphin, not all sex addicts are sociopaths. And not every guy who cheats is a sociopath. However, what makes me think yours is a sociopath is the way he blames you for everything. Projecting blame, pathological lying, and pity play are the telltale signs of a sociopath.

Let’s assume for the sake of the discussion that he does not fit the characteristics of a sociopath. The fact that he told you right from the start that he A) has a girlfriend and B) is a sex addict are HUGE red flags. A decent man will not be cheating behind his girlfriend’s back. A strong, mature man will end one relationship before starting another one. And the part about being a sex addict….if he’s telling the truth, then it’s clear he is just wanting to use you for sex. He’s testing your boundaries to see if you will go for it. If he was lying about those things to keep a distance, as you mentioned, then that makes him a liar. An even bigger red flag. No matter how you look at it, this man is bad news. The fact that he is “intermittently” good to you is a control technique to keep you hooked and make you want more. It’s a game for him to see just how badly he can treat you and disrespect you before you finally say no. You might consider reading any information you can find on Stockholm Syndrome, which explains why hostages often get addicted to their captors.

The only way to get free of this is to have enough self respect to walk away. Then you need to forgive yourself for allowing anyone to treat you like this.

Stargazer – yes, not once, and I can repeat, not once has he said he is sorry for anything and I can tell you he has done plenty of things to say sorry. It was always “you made me run away”, “you ignored me and for that I hope you are sorry”, “you spoilt it” (when I was visiting him the first time and he walked out from me at the airport after 10 minutes). Right, he is the one who walked away from me, he dropped me at the airport as if I was a piece of luggage, didn’t wait with me there and I had to be sorry because I ignored his wanting to get out of there so quickly. He told me many times “change yourself”, “will you change?”, “respect is even more important to me than to you”….

He asked me if I know the cat and mouse game (of course implying that that is what he was doing with me), he told me once he was telling me things to manipulate me, he told me that he came across me on the online site when he met me and he said “another victim”. He asked me if I have dementia, if I am bipolar, has told me I have bad memory, I am a bad listener, corrects me every single mistake I make when writing when his native language is not English and more than once I had to correct him myself, but he is always always so disrespectful, he has called me ignorant so many times, told me “fucking do this or fucking do that”. He once told me that he never claimed to have manners, that those were very irrational expectatiosn

After I sent him an email one day he replied:

“I read you. Just wondering if this is another statistical outlier, or actually your normal behaviour.
Will your next 20 emails be consistent with the attitude that you exhibit today?

Or will you get tired, and fall back to ranting, complaining and feeling entitled to insult me?” This is after he has insulted me 1000 times and not once has he said sorry to me.

He told me I have no empathy when I touched him with the packet of tissues on his head….what a joke!!! me? no empathy??? when he has threatened with beating me and so much more.

If he spoke German for too long with the other couple while I was on the boat, he didn’t say sorry to me or anything. His reply was that it was good because I wanted to learn German.

Stargazer – Sorry, my post was submitted before I finished it…..

Yes, not once, and I can repeat, not once has he said he is sorry for anything and I can tell you he has done plenty of things to say sorry. It was always “you made me run away”, “you ignored me and for that I hope you are sorry”, “you spoilt it” (when I was visiting him the first time and he walked out from me at the airport after 10 minutes). Right, he is the one who walked away from me, he dropped me at the airport as if I was a piece of luggage, didn’t wait with me there and I had to be sorry because I ignored his wanting to get out of there so quickly. He told me many times “change yourself”, “will you change?”, “respect is even more important to me than to you—.

He asked me if I know the cat and mouse game (of course implying that that is what he was doing with me), he told me once he was telling me things to manipulate me, he told me that he came across me on the online site when he met me and he said “another victim”. He asked me if I have dementia, if I am bipolar, has told me I have bad memory, I am a bad listener, corrects me every single mistake I make when writing when his native language is not English and more than once I had to correct him myself, but he is always always so disrespectful, he has called me ignorant so many times, told me “fucking do this or fucking do that”. He once told me that he never claimed to have manners, he said: “what irrational expectations are you projecting onto me?!” and I can go on and on.

After I sent him an email one day he replied:

“I read you. Just wondering if this is another statistical outlier, or actually your normal behaviour.
Will your next 20 emails be consistent with the attitude that you exhibit today?

Or will you get tired, and fall back to ranting, complaining and feeling entitled to insult me?” This is after he has insulted me 1000 times and not once has he said sorry to me.

He told me I have no empathy when I touched him with the packet of tissues on his head”.what a joke!!! me? no empathy??? when he has threatened with beating me and so much more.

If he spoke German for too long with the other couple while I was on the boat, he didn’t say sorry to me or anything. His reply was that it was good because I wanted to learn German.

Bluedolphin, this man is sadistic, abusive, and dangerous. The longer you stay connected with him, the harder it will be to recover. You want to know why a person could behave like this, because it’s something a normal person would never do. You will never completely understand because you do not operate like that. You don’t need to have the answers to your questions in order to get out and walk away. After a while, you won’t need the answers anymore. The only answer you need is that you need to cut him out of your life completely and do everything in your power to move on.

Stargazer – I think this goes beyond being a cheater and sex addict.

This guy has never asked me how I am or how my day is going. He never asked questions about me and my life or family. He never showed any interest. Even when I was in pain for whatever reason he never asked me how I was. If I said something about it he would tell me that I am like old people complaining all day about their health. Then, on the other hand he complains about his job or if he has any issues with his health I always ask him how he is doing, of course.

This guy for the one time I told him I was really down because I hadn’t got a job that I really wanted, he told me that that is life. Nothing more nothing less. I was very down that day, it was a Friday, right? ok, the next day on Saturday morning I nearly choked with my breakfast. I had just sent him a message on Friday very late at night and he had said he was driving. I only asked how come he was driving that late and his reply was: “I was fucking a girl in Austria”. Right, for God’s sake he could have made up any lie, anything, he didn’t need to tell me. I was on top of that really down because the day before they had notified me I didn’t get that job. This guy is out to hurt me clearly.

This guy – I sent him a bday message and he never ever replied to it. Which type of person does not reply to a bday message???

Another day I asked if he was around to talk on Skype and he told me that sorry, he was having sex. Another day that he was busy because he had 2 blind dates and on and on.

On my first visit to him the Sunday I was leaving I told him I felt like crying and he said: “oh go ahead and cry, it is good for you”. Then he did what he did at airport walking away from me to then tell me he had to pay 3 Euros for 10 minute’s parking. That is all he cared about!!!!!! I had to pay for the air ticket, the second time I also paid for my air ticket and to top it up I had to pay not 3 Euros but 6 Euros for a train to go from the airport to a close by town because he told me he wouldn’t pick me up at the airport but in that town. On the other hand when he came over he asked me to wait for him right at the door where passengers come out.

The last time I visited he threatened with beating and talked about raping. I told him I couldn’t spend the Saturday with him after telling me he could beat me. He said he didn’t care that he only had Saturday and that he was going to the mountains as we had planned regardless. Then I left on Sunday. This time I knew it was a quick good bye at airport. He dropped me there. He told me cars are allowed to stay there 10 minutes for free while dropping passengers so that is what I got, free minutes to say goodbye while I asked if we would meet again and he said: “knock it off”.Then I asked if we would talk again and he said: “maybe, I think so” and I left with tears in my eyes. While he was driving me to the airport I told him I was sad to leave. His reply: “I am actually glad you are leaving because I will be able to do the things I didn’t do when you were here”.

In the meanwhile while I have been at his house one day I told him he had a nice duvet on his bed. He told me he bought it for his exgf. At another time he told me how his exgf and him were doing such and such or went here and there and how she was buying a dress or whatever. Why in the name of God he had to keep saying things about gf or exgf in front of me??? I have told him so many times that it hurts me to hear these things and how he sleeps with others.

Another day he told me how he spent 2 weeks with his gf over Xmas, telling me this when he offers me 36 hours at the most. Then he said: “are you demanding that I spend 2 weeks for Xmas with you?”. When I said why I only get 36 hours he replies: “suck it up” or “appreciate it”.

When he blocked me the last time I told him my friend’s dad was dying and that I had had also an anxiety attack. He said NOTHING to those, just nothing. He literally doesn’t give a shit about me.

Really, this guy is INHUMAN.

I completely agree, bluedolphin.

fltsydoll2 – One thing is clear to me. I have met him 3 times and for very short periods of time (36 hours) an I can clear see how the first time was great, the second time was worse when he told me at the airport it was over and walked away from me without looking back only because according to him I clang on to him and he had to peel me off (he had been there 10 minutes!!!!). Third visit, in 36 hours I got “I would have to beat you the next time” and “raping” topic. I really always wonder, what would happen in a next encounter????

If he ever gives you a 4 minute Skype again… You can do 1 of 2 things:

1-ignore him and never respond.

2-Get on Skype and after 1 minute say, “it’s over”… And hang up and never ever ever speak to him again. Block all communication.

You have to be very strong for #2. I advise #1. But #2 is pretty sweet.

He is not talking to me no more. It is going to be 2 weeks and I am blocked. I am getting more and more depressed because I do seriously think that he will never even give me the opportunity to have one last talk with him. The hanging up on me and giving me minutes to talk was happening back in May. Then my brother in law called him to tell him that was unacceptable behaviour and that that was not a way to treat anyone. After that we got back talking and it hasn’t happened recently.

Now, I am blocked and I think this time is for good. I cry every day. I just deserve a chance to say what I think, that is all I want.

Watch out. My therapist and friends always told me he will never talk to me again. They actually take his game seriously and nievely and not intentionally often aid the Malignant Narc/Psychopath with his gaslighting techniques. You are probably being gaslighted and groomed for more abuse.

Picture this guy as a 6 year old little boy and you are a toy to him. The hanging up in 3.30 mins and blocking you…are all Psychopathic games. I can’t be 100% sure, but it is possible that he will return. Maybe not. As I said, each time my therapist said stupid things to me. She said: “he’s trying to break up gentlemanly.” This was wrong. He was gaslighting me into believe that. He has no empathy, and he did try to manipulate himself back in after that. Why? He never got money from me. He did not complete his agenda. 3 months ago..like I said,..he requested me on Lindekin to access how serious my relationship with my new boyfriend was. Once I told him I’m in a committed relationship he deleted his entire Lindekin account. Why? To gaslight me again. Stupidity, I fought with him in another email war. I told him he was feeling salty because I have a new man. I also told him he’s the little boy that cried wolf…and that this is #20 that he is saying Goodbye.

Now..the one thing I noticed in the email war,..is that he said, “and why do you keep contacting me and emailing me?” Gaslighting again. He originally contacted me this time around. I did not contact him, and I pointed that out in the email.

Recollect your prior correspondence. Think back and become aware with gaslighting techniques. They can be very subtle. Its only been 2 weeks.

I told my therapist to knock it off. That I expect mine to come back one day when he smells a vulnerable moment. Maybe a relationship breakup. A death. Loneliness. I have my guard of awareness up.

He did not complete his agenda. Much of the times a Psychopath will move on to a more interesting or vulnerable victim. But I did notice he has a huge hatred towards the women that he did not destroy.

You have the power and control over yourself. The power you feel you’ve lost is a Psychopathic conditioning. The way to heal from it…is to fill your time and life up with pleasurable things that focus on you and what you want.

Try to force yourself into treated yourself we.

flatsydoll2 – you say:

“You are probably being gaslighted and groomed for more abuse.”

I don’t quite understand what you mean here. Are you saying that he is making me believe that he won’t speak to me again?

bluedolphin,
I know you feel hurt right now but you will count your blessings as time goes on.
This is power and control.
I hope this link helps.
Stronginthecity
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c9qo1GLnVjA

It really is about taking back power and control. Its emotional rape. I’ve been physically raped before…and it is the emotional power and control part that is the killer.

I agree you are hurt…and you feel a loss of power and control.

I kept telling my therapist its all about power and control and she said…believe it or not…crying and getting in touch with your feelings helps you to move on. I’m still struggling with that.

bluedolphin,
That was not the video…sorry!!!
There is another one she did that has a similar title with more info and less rambling..
SITC

janedoe – My last messages to him on whatsapp when I used a different mobile number as mine is blocked were on Friday. He blocked me there too after he read the messages. Yesterday I just sent him one email, I just told him that if he doesn’t want to talk to me anymore that it is fine but that I would like to know. Of course, no replies from him.

I am trying not to contact him. At times I manage and other times I get so so weak that I do, however there is nothing more I can say. I have told him so many times that all I want to know is if this is it and why he blocked me but he doesn’t say. I can’t keep sending the same message everyday, I guess but my question is: would it be so difficult for him to say that yes, this is it, it is over and good bye?? He did it before at the airport and on Skype, he told me it was over forever and that we wouldn’t talk again, why not now then?

I know on Skype you can do two things – block and remove someone from your contacts. You can either do both at the same time or you can remove only or you can block only. I think he has only blocked me but he hasn’t removed me from his contacts. At times, I wonder whether that means he could be back but other times I think he might have just blocked me and simply hasn’t bothered to remove me. I don’t really know but I get the feeling this time he won’t come back. It is nearly 2 weeks since he blocked me and in the past he never had me blocked for so long or at least he replied to my sms or call.

Hi blue dolphin
You say you are asking hkm to at least tell you he doesn’t want to talk to you…I think I’m his twisted mind he is telling you, by ignoring you, or by punishing you and giving the silent treatment. He knows you’re begging him and he will not budge, he knows how to control you and you will not just go away. This is a mind f*** he is doing to you, emotional manipulation. He is going to make you behave or else.
I think you know he is not going to speak to you and you want him to answer you…you’re trying to get your foot in the door..youte trying to get him to speak. He will insult you and demean you and it will make you upset and you will be asking “why did he say this to me”..it’s an endless cycle.
That’s about all that comes out of dealing with them…punishment towards you and you being hurt. He is evil and he is enjoying watching you squirm..you are better than that! I was exactly in your position and I never ever thought I could do it. I actually surprised myself by going nc. Honestly, he did me a favor by not responding when I contacted him because it became relentless and I suddenly snapped out of it and thought “how many times am I going to do this and not hear back. I’m starting to feel very silly and he certainly isn’t going to think more of me for contacting him continually”. I’d love to thank him now for ignoring me because I’d still be going on and on writing him if we had contact. His silence toward me was a blessing. But…the only bad part is once he saw I wasn’t in touch for a few months he rehoovered and unfortunately the vicious circle started again until I finally said no more and stopped contacting him again and blocked him.

Janedoe is right. Its the silent treatment. It’s like a chess game for them.

I’m kind of in Blue Dolphins position in a way. Its been 2.5 months now since mine said Goodbye again. However, my way of saving myself from him was to go get a new boyfriend…and mine knows I have the new man and I’m in a band with the new man.

I’m not sure if mine would contact me again, and its really best for me if he doesn’t. I think if he did it would be a nightmare. But I still am recovering from my Psychopathic man. Having a new boyfriend helps, but it doesn’t change the way I feel.

Flatsydoll2
Good for you with going ahead with your life at two and a half months! You’re right back on track doing what you enjoy and with a new person.
You had you music to help you which is important. Keeping busy along with NC is very helpful.
You don’t want him to contact you again. It really puts you back to where you began. It becomes a vicious circle.
They do harm to our minds by returning and they know exactly what they’re doing by manipulating us

janedoe – I am just going through hell. There are days when I really say to myself that I won’t contact him. Then, there is always a weak moment and I send him a message. I really don’t get it. The previous time he blocked me I sent him some sms and he responded and then one day I called him and we had a decent conversation and he unblocked me then. Now, he has gone really evil.

Do yo think his reason for threatening me with beating me and treating me really bad in general was actually his way so that I would give up and stop everything with him because in fact he didn’t want anything with me and instead of breaking it up himself he was pushing me to do it by giving me reasons to do so? When I was with him the last time I visited him he said if I am a masochist.

Blue dolphin
I think the reason he threatens you is his way of control. He tell you what he will and and will not tolerate from a woman..and some of his demands are purely outrageous. You shd be telling him you your standards for a man do not include dictating or threatening or rudeness OR to be treated like a child by playing ignoring games. We are not talk a man with a full deck at all. I think he’s out looking for sex and in the meantime making sure he sets his boundaries, which are inhumane.
If he asked you if you were a masochist…most probably he is aware of what treatment he is giving you.
Like we mentioned before it was his initial love bombing ( or his partial love bombing in your case) that pulled you in and this is how he gets his women. Once he’s had them it appears he has no use for them for a long period and perhaps his reason to act like an ass.
He told you he’s plenty of women besides his gf. Imagine her? If you think you’re being hurt…imagine what is happening to her and when she finds out how devastated she will be.
I was her at one point while my ex was looking for his new wife. He told her nothing about me and I knew she existed but he made me believe there was nothing between them because he found her revolting. If I’d have known there was, I would not have stayed as long as we lasted. Basically he cheated on her and myself, we bothdidn’t know extent so we were both victims. She thought he was the sweet older man, coming to her country and taking her back to his country. In these poor countries they just want to get a better life and he promised it, all the while telling me different. Only after he married her did he tell me yes they were carrying on while he and I were together.
Am I happy? No, I miss him at times and yes, because I will not be the other woman, and be lied and cheated on or manipulated.
It hurts for some time and there are plenty of memories but the good does not outweigh the bad he’s done.
You need to cut those ties with him for many reasons

janedoe – yes, definitely a way of controlling me but what I mean is you know the way some men are cowards and instead of breaking up things themselves, they just give reasons and act nastily so that the other person is the one breaking up instead. So rather than being brave enough to say it is over they create situations so that the other person finishes it.

So I am just wondering if this guy maybe wanted to get rid of me and instead of saying good by he created enough nasty moments to see if I walked away. Although, it does not make much sense either because before like at the airport he had no problem saying it was finished forever. I don’t know what to think anymore.

Or maybe, now he has really seen I will never travel to him anymore because I told him so and he knows he won’t come here either and now he sees no further opportunities for abuse and maybe that is why he discarded me.

janedoe – problem being with the gf that she will likely never find out about what he is doing. She is far away and that makes it close to impossible to find out. She may never do.

janedoe – Yes, the last time when I was sick of it I told him who he think he is, Hitler??? Then, of course, straight away he blocked me.

Donna said the following to me:

“The worst part was when he became rough with you, and then talked about beating you, and then about rape. This man was testing you, trying to see how much you would tolerate.”

I have always wondered, would this man be capable of actually beating me? Even if he was trying to see how much I would tolerate, what for? Ok, let’s say he saw I would tolerate it, so then what?

Did he say that just to scare me and in a way so that I get away from him?
What I mean is: maybe he saw I am really interested in him and that I never end it despite the amount of abuse he has exerted on me, he saw that I want a relationship with him and he doesn’t and this is his way to push me away? I mean, by him treating me badly and scaring me maybe his aim was that I run away rather than him talking to me clearly and telling me that he doesn’t want to pursue things further or that he doesn’t want to see me again. Maybe it was his way to indirectly and subtly tell me that he doesn’t want this anymore for me to get scared and that way it is me who leaves it. Some men are coward and they do bad things to their partners so that they are the ones walking away because they don’t have the guts to say it. Could it be this the case?

Even when I was with him the last time I visited him he told me that there must be still something good with him if I still keep going back (back to visit him).

At another moment, when he had told me he would have to beat me next time in order for me to understand after the incident with the packet of tissues, I was telling him I couldn’t believe that he didn’t care (he told me literally that he didn’t care) and I was so upset. I can’t remember exactly what I was telling him but basically telling him that that was outrageous, etc and he said: “are you a masochist?” I think he said that meaning that if he treats me that badly why am I still there???

I am just lost, I don’t really know the reason for him to threaten me with beating me….was he constantly doing and saying bad things to me all the time (abusing me), worse and worse so that I leave him in peace and walk away because he didn’t know how to get rid of me? Could that be it? but then why after this episode with the beating me because I simply didn’t understand why he got annoyed because I touched him on his head with a packet of tissues, he went and held my hand and hugged me and was so nice in the mountains with me that same day??? I am going crazy!!!!

I think all people have good parts. There were lots of things I loved about my Psychopathic man. I loved his guitar playing. When he came to see me…we went to guitar shops together. He would teach me different scales and how to play in different keys on the guitar. He made me laugh. He had a great sense of humor. I remember walking through the grass barefoot with him, and we went into the Stone Pony..where Bruce Springsteen made his legacy. That was all fun. I had some great fun with him. I remember we watched cartoons together and would laugh together. I was very attracted to him. Its not easy to let go of the good parts of him. But he couldn’t give me a steady sustained committed relationship. He can’t do it. He just can’t sustain a functional relationship. I would have loved to live with him and put a band together with him.

I’m writing songs and I have everything I wanted to have with him…with another man…but I’m not as excited or attracted to the new man in the same way as I was to the Psychopathic man. Its a different kind of relationship. In my new relationship I am able to focus on myself and I do not revolve around my new boyfriend. I also defend myself when my new boyfriend starts to act narcissistic and controlling.

Hi flatsydoll2
I agree with you about having a lot of good things about my ex. A lot of it was authentic and a lot sadly wasn’t.
We had some very good times together. He had an amazing sense of humor as well. That is a very important part of a relationship to me. We laughed so much together. He was intellectual and driven. Unfortunately his bad side of lying and cheating was stronger than the good side. I wish i could say we had horrible times together, it would make it that much easier to forget a person.
When I get nostalgic the bad qualities come to my mind very quickly and it helps to keep me from contacting him.
Funny thing is he says what he’s done to me is wrong and he takes the blame. (most likely it’s him trying to be noble). It hard to believe someone when the whole time with him was a lie.

That’s unusual that he takes the blame. Maybe he’s not a Narcissist. But he is definitely Malignant in behavior. People with Narc Personality Disorder blame their victims. Unless, that is a conscious manipulation to take the blame. Mine blamed me on everything. If you tell him he did something wrong…he ignores it. Its as if you talked to the wall.

Flatsydoll2
It is unusual to take the blame on his part I agree. There was a lot of doubt in my mind at the beginning whether he was an N. Regardless of what title
He carries, he isn’t good. He lies and cheats and manipulates and was nothing but an emotional roller coaster.
It all came to an abrupt end when he went back to his home after a vacation with me and suddenly married another woman he’d told me and promised he disliked and would have nothing to do with.
He had multiple social profiles under different names with loads of women as friends. Telling them he was going to visit them, wanted to marry them and so on.
Whatever disorder he has, it is not anyone who can be trusted or be loyal.

He definitely is a Somatic Narcissist. I think taking the blame was his way of leaving the door open…because he viewed you as a valuable source of supply that he didn’t want to completely discard. I’m not sure, but that’s possible.

Lol…he sounds very much like the guy I knew. The guy I knew will only marry a woman that has tons of money or one who supports him financially. And I got the story on how he treated his 1st wife. He administured beatings and she was hospitalized because he almost strangled her to death. He’s being honest. He doesn’t love who he married. He’s probably sucking the life out of her and her bank account. Once hes finished sucking her dry,… He will leave her in a mess at her most tormented moment. They are vampires.

Mine apologized all the time up until the last lie.

It was pure manipulation. I had confided to him once that my ex husband rarely, if ever, apologized. Therefore, I know the ex N apologized to make himself look like a good guy.

Yes…that was a part of his assessment…Amille22…but its seems to me that you might have not heard the last lie yet. Because as the Narc gets more degrading he will blame you. He doesn’t wear that mask for long. On the very last day I spent with my Narc/Psychopath…he was trying to access me as to be more like him.

He said: I like you a lot more than my ex wife. You understand the streets and understand how to make money racketeering. I think that’s funny,..because the closest I’ve gotten to racketeering is garage sales and flea markets?? His idea of racketeering ranged from selling car parts to exploiting women and their bank accounts. I also thought it was weird that he was making me stop my car and he was taking photos of buildings that had for sale signs in front of them. He said…he will apply for a military loan and I’ll sign it?? It made no sense. He applied for a credit card at guitar center and that declined. I knew it would decline and I went to my car when he was at the register deliberately… because there was no way in hell I was going to pay for his guitar part. After he said…your just like me with the street smarts he became mean in my house. He told me I didn’t play the guitar good. He told me to give it up. That night he didn’t want to hold me.

I don’t believe it was over in his mind. I think he was setting the stage for financial abuse. When he went home he rejected me. Wouldn’t pick up the phone and suggested he was desperate for money in a text. I responded: “sorry about your situation. Hope you find what you need.” Afterwards, I began to text… I see you online on all those date sites. From the beginning I wanted a monogamous relationship and that’s what I still want. He responded: “why are you so insecure within yourself.” The email battles have gone on and off for 10 months now. The last contact being almost 3 months now. Will he ever contact me again? I think he was really hoping that I was so stuck on him I’d submissively beg him for forgiveness.

I think he has a harem of women scattered around the world addicted to his abuse. To him these women are sexual objects and ATM machines.

janedoe
I hope you see my response, it can be so hard to follow when my words are not at the end of the thread but back within it.

I wanted to share what I learned for me, about memories and aspects of my ex. Knowing the truth helped me to sever those desires to get nostalgic and want to contact him.

It’s simply that he was a lie. The things he said he was interested in… he really wasn’t… he just adapted to whatever the woman wanted. For instance, he supposedly enjoyed swimming. Only, he didn’t. It was boring to him. Same with the traveling we did. I thought he was as interested in history and discovering those historical places like I was. Nope. It was just something he said to me in order to capture me.

All those sweet memories I thought we were creating? Even after leaving him, I thought he was real about the memories. I found out… nope. They didn’t mean anything to him at all. In fact, he forgot most of them.

He is intelligent and funny and it was allllll a complete waste because I found out, NOTHING means anything to him. It was ALL a means to an end for him.

ALL of our sweet times, our shared hobbies, our special places… mean NOTHING to him. A means to an end. and I was the END. Control of me, was his END purpose.

It’s what I focus on when I want to chat with him, and it breaks my heart to know that I LOVED our chats and his perspective was there were merely a tool to use to control me, nothing special, not at all.

That knowledge helps to keep me strong and not ever vulnerable to him ever again. Like you write, “the whole time with him was a lie.” SO true, dear Janedoe, so true… for all of us.

Ps You’re misunderstanding something….Your ex wasn’t taking the blame, he never actually took the blame. That “says he’s sorry” is classic pity play. He SAID sorry, he just never did the “not do it again part”, he didn’t do the behavior that supposed to go with the words. When a man says sorry and is still a s*, he wasn’t noble, he was manipulating you, again. The A*.

Hi NWHSOM
Yes in fact I got your earlier post and you mentioned josh duggar…i did respond and maybe you hadn’t seen it.
What I do is I subscribe to be notified to this particular discussion so I am now alerted when there’s communication happening. Helps me to keep track otherwise my posts and others are all over the place.
As usual your advice is so spot on.
You’re right there are no nice memories…they are to us until we know it was fake and that’s so frustrating.
I can recall each time I walked in the room he would compliment me on anything I had on, could be earrings, a pair of socks or sweatpants even!! It was so robotic and unusual that it made me doubt he really did like anything he complimented me in. This happened without fail each time I entered a room.
I used to find his sentences almost script like…as though he were saying it for the sake of saying it. But when it came to anything pertaining to him, he made it seem it was the most interesting story he was telling. All about him and me? Just went along with what he thought I wanted to hear.
So when I think of some of the good moments I have to stop and think of his lying and cheating…this tends to drown out those fake good memories. I will never know what was the truth or a lie with him unless I was shown proof.
As usual NWHSOM…you’re very accurate and very helpful 🙂

NWHSOM
I have no doubt you are right about the apologizing.
He seemed so sincere it almost felt as though he were writing me and crying at the same time. I know he wasn’t but it just felt so strong.
I have not forgiven him as he asked because after a few apologies at the beginning of this all I saw that I wasn’t so sure that I believed his sincerity any more.
If he were so sorry he wouldn’t email me an apology begging for forgiveness and then choose to not write me back for many months…
A believe a normal person does a terrible thing to someone and apologizes profusely and until the other person understands, you continue to write them to see if they are ok and have forgiven you…you do not just leave it and never respond back for months. That is when I saw what he is really all about and went NC. How many times was I supposed to email him asking him questions about his apology without getting any answers. I felt stalkerish at this point, and knowing him, he would one day respond saying that I wasn’t normal by sending him emails about the situation he left me in. ..he would have turned it all around on me. So I stopped all contact
Does that make sense? Hard to explain it all through writing it.

Hi amille
You’re a lot stronger than you think. Only four months ago and you’re at this point? A lot better than myself!
And if it’s fear of an encounter then that is what works for you!!
You know if he runs into you he will try to convince you what you think is wrong. ..You’re right about him trying to manipulate you it would just be a repeat performance if you believed it and it wouldn’t take long before the manipulation and lies would start again.
I say keep fearing running into him because it works!

Thank you Janedoe, but I don’t feel strong. I just now understand what he is. And even with this knowledge, I don’t trust myself should I engage with him.

Every hoover I received, including a mutual acquaintance who approached me, all stated that I am wrong. That he isn’t living with someone else. That it isn’t what it seems. That he would mail me his house key so I could check any time I’d like.

You and I both know all too well, they know your weaknesses. Any encounter I would have with him, I would get hurt…..if I am nice, then he manipulates and tells me loves and misses me; if I call him out, he gaslights and plays victim; if I express anger, then I’m crazy…..

It is still painful to think I was with him for so long. That the person who claimed to love me was hurting me the entire time.

Amille
I wonder why his friend is telling you that what you think, is wrong? Is he telling them to tell you this or do they really think he isn’t married/have gf? Why would they go to that extent do you think?

It was a mutual acquaintance, not friend. That is important because this person we both know from working out at a gym….that’s it. He doesn’t know anything about either of us. Just that we appeared to be a couple. In fact, most people at the gym thought we were married.

The message my ex sent through this guy was, “he isn’t cheating on you. The obituary you read listing him as someone else’s significant other isn’t what you think.” Intriguing, no? One might be tempted to ask what is it then?

After I found the obit, I did some digging. His girlfriend/wife’s address in white pages.com, is my ex’s address. The address she gave for voter registration? His. (That’s public record). There are 2 cars registered at his address….one make and model is his. The other? Doesn’t match his son, daughter or ex wife’s car. I could go on but I think we can all agree she at least lives with him.

Then there is his behavior… The triangulating! He was so good at that. I didn’t know what it was. I thought he was insecure and trying to make himself look better. The lies that didn’t have to be lies…and if I asked him, gaslighting! Again, just thought I was mistaken.

So his point with this guy? Trying to get me to break NC. The guy even said that my ex was distraught because I was treating him like an enemy!

And there’s the victim/pity play at work….

Amille
Do you wonder if his children knew about you? I’m wondering how he managed to keep them quiet? He really isn’t showing a good example if he asks them to lie for him.

Janedoe, his children know who I am. I met them. Went on a outing with his daughter and my kids…once.

I have no doubt they did not understand the nature of our relationship. For all I know, I was a friend turned stalker/dated me once and then I tried to control him (that is his standard complaint about all his ex’s).

He acted like they did tho. He used to tell me how he had talked about me to them all the time. Now I know that was a lie. More manipulation to keep me hooked.

I suspect that his kids had issues with him regardless of my relationship. He told me once that his son couldn’t wait to move out because he wanted to get away from him. He said in such a way that he was the victim, of course.

I just assumed it was normal teenager/ turning 18. However, when I now think back to the conversation and the way my ex referenced his son’s sentiments, I think the son knew his father has issues.

Flatsydoll2
Thanks for that I don’t think I’ve read about this. I just googled it and he has a lot of the traits. But I noticed another type called cerebral n. He really fits the bill with that type as well.
With all the types of disorders, he has some qualities in all of them!! Must mean his is a lot crazier than I thought!! Thanks for the info 🙂

Yes I believe mine is primarily Somatic and Cerebral. You will see the traits. Go look up Sam Vaknin. Watch his YouTube’s. I think your man has Malignant Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I think mine is a Psychopath, because I am certain that he is stealing money from women overseas.

Flatsydoll2
Sometimes I wish if mine used me for money it would make it that much easier for me.
Mine I think did more the emotional manipulation and played mind games instead, which can make you question.
I have no doubt he knew what head games he was playing with me by keeping me on a string, lying and cheating and so on. He seems to be a master manipulator and all the while tries to play the martyr in his relationships. He somehow manages to go after poor women and tries
To help them and their poor families by doing things for them or finding ways to better them. This way they praise him and look up to him. I’ve noticed that a lot in his past relationships with the women he’s been with.
It’s something I have yet to figure out why he does this because financially he is not wealthy and lives a very restricted life. He doesn’t have a continual job but works here and there on contacts. He considers himself in a lower bracket financially. Maybe it’s the feeling of power he gets from these women that he can “do anything”.

Mine did all those things that he did with you, but he initially went after me with the intentions of money. Somehow he feel a little off track. He saw I enjoyed his band stories from New York. Because I was also an inspiring musician at the time…he took a liking to me. I have a feeling that the next victim liked football. He also liked football, motorcycles and race cars and he was a guru of this strange secrets of Saturn religion.

He abused me the same way…yours did. I just think yours didn’t love bomb you. He blocked me. Deleted accounts. Deleted his email. I felt the way you did because he married his exwife. But he cheated on her. Disappeared for 24 hours often. Frequented Prostitutes. Almost killed her. Gave her a STD. Gave her frequent beatings. Stalked her. Broke into her home and raped her after she put a restraint on him. She is 3 years older than me. I asked myself… Why didn’t he marry me? What a stupid question to ask. But its normal. The answer is: She had 1.5 million dollars.

In your situation… The Gf has something he wants. From the sounds of the anger behind the 3 euro thing… I think yours wants money too.

I hear Dr. Phil focuses on online scammers. He needs to have shows about cults… Narcissists and the scammers that actually show up physically.

Hi Amille, I read your post and wanted to ask you a question. (Sorry I can’t find your recent post to reply on that one so Im posting here at the bottom).

What was it that lead you to search the net for answers about your relationship in the first place?

Jan7, it was the lies. I don’t know if you remember my story….with him for almost 5 years; didn’t know he was married and/or living with someone else and then I found the obituary from early this year listing him as someone else’s husband/significant other?

He told me so many lies and stories to keep his double life a secret. He would take a kernal of truth and add layers of lies. In other words, even though I knew something was off, I couldn’t find any evidence of wrong doing because some things were rooted in the truth or his explanations made sense….like what I wrote yesterday when I mailed a card to his house one time.

So after I found the obit and the lies started flooding my memory, I thought, ” who lies to that extent? Who does this?” These weren’t, “oh I’m going to stay in tonight” and you find out later he went out with someone else kid of lies.

He spun a web of lies involving his physical health and past relationships, PTSD from his military experience, family issues, etc. Etc.

I started googling lies, relationships and such and found this site. Then I started reading about gaslighting, triangulating, and it all made sense. It’s why I never really dealt with CD. Shock, anger, depression, loneliness, yes but I know what he is….no doubt about that.

Hi Amille, sorry I remember most of your story but forgot about the obits. I read your post directed to someone else today and wanted to remind you how strong you really are…you read that obits then researched then cut the relationship off!!!

This is HUGE and shows just how strong you are, it’s not easy to do what you did. Trust me it took me 12 years to finally crawl away from my ex h.

So I just wanted you to look back at how far you have come from that moment you read the obits and cut ties. 4 months & you have imposed the no contact rule brilliantly. Please don’t be so hard on yourself. Don’t pick apart one of your good traits = being strong.

YOU ARE STRONG!!!

You broke of all contact with him (although he still tries to get his foot back into your doorway) and you have fully educated yourself here. You give wonderful advise and comfort to those that are new to LF.

Last time you saw him in the parking lot you left immediately this is = STRENGTH!!!

Cheers to STRONG women!! 😉

Thank you for the positive words Jan7. I guess I still am hurt from all this. I really wish I wouldn’t think about him or the situation so much.

I know it has only been a short time in the healing process given the length of time we were together.

I m sure I will get there eventually.

Thanks again!

Hi Amille, your welcome! 🙂 It’s a shock to our systems to find out everything that they did was a double lying life in my ex’s case a triple life of lies.

You will get to the point that you will no longer think about him…and when he does pop into your mind you will only think clearly about him = that he is evil.

I can’t even look at a picture of my ex h now…he looks evil…he looks just like the evil guy…my first impression of him was dead accurate I thought he was a tornado and was not attracted to him what so ever.

Take care 🙂

Jan 7
md23 replied on the lies and drama thread.
I am so frightened for her.
Do you think we can convince her to move out temporary because she is probably in cognitive dissonance.
If we can convince her to have a temporary separation she can get some help.
Please read what she wrote.
Stronginthecity

For bluedolpin and others….the problem with looking for the good in everyone is that for some people it really is not there. What you see is what you get. They tell you and show you they are evil. And really, they are. It’s a very tough thing to learn about humanity.

Stargazer
I EVENTUALLY figured it out.
If we only look for the good in people, sociopaths know to just mirror ourselves back to us. There’s no direct litmus test when a predator has chosen us for prey. They tend to use stealth to trap us. But…Now that I know about sociopaths, I am not as gullible as I used to be. They still exist but I am excellent at cutting them off and not feeling like it’s my fault they are that way. As you note, it’s a very tough thing to learn about humanity.

NWHSOM, believe it or not, I STILL give people the benefit of the doubt and still look for the good. I am hopelessly idealistic in this way and the sociopath has not changed me in any way except to show me that sociopaths exist and what to watch for, so I don’t waste my time seeing the good in them. I already learned 14 years ago after the demise of a 3-year relationship that when someone repeatedly disrespects me, there is no reason to assume that deep down they care. Sometimes they just don’t. That was a tough pill to swallow.

Notwhathesaidtome. He use to say, “you and me are the same.”

I do remember how he learned guitar. He was excellent at learning scales by visual and patterns…which would be actually easier for someone who’s thinking parts of the brain worked well. I am better as a rhythm player and writing emotional sounding songs with deep meaningful lyrics. As a writer his words are very manual like and mechanical. I remember when I listened to him sing and play guitar. I was perfect, smooth and beautiful. But now that I think back,..it definitely lacked emotional tones.I’m not at all saying he wasn’t a good musician,.. Because he was a pretty decent musician and singer. This is the first time I am analyising him through music.

Its hard for me to say if he projected my Personality back onto me because he was from New York, and I’m near NYC…so people that grew up on the East coast have similar ways.

If anything… I knew the religious/guru stuff he kept preaching…was definitely a mask. He grew up Baptist. I can recognize the mask he wore. I did recognize when he fell back into the New York blk man. His true self would be much harder for a European to know. I use to watch him shift back and forth from mask to east coast New York.

Notwhat…
I definitely think he was a Somatic Narcissist going back to his early 20s. He talked about sleeping with over 100 women and I believe it too. He had an Asian women fetish. He likes to control Asian women. He likes to steal money from foreign Australian..German and Norwegian women. He likes Italian women too. He has specifics. He’s mostly arroused by brunettes.

Stargazer – I remember so well when I started talking to him and at one point I told him that I knew somehow there was a nice person underneath. I can’t remember exactly what we were talking about but that is what I said. It is like of course, I could hear these comments about him being hostile, insatiable, impatient, sex addict and then he threw that story about having proposed marriage to a girl 10 years ago and she didn’t marry him. He said she was the love of his life and that the nice guy died then, that now I had to respect the broken man he is. As the conversation went on he said he didn’t know her and I was, what??? do you propose marriage to someone you don’t know. He just said that he knew that if he couldn’t be with her he knew he would die and in fact he said he died. I really can’t wrap my mind around this story.

The thing is that yes, I told him that I knew somehow there was a nice guy there and thing is I think there is not. I just wanted to make myself believe that was the case but as you said I am having a very hard time understanding that there is evil out there.

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