LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: He told me I would get addicted to him

Editor’s note: Lovefraud received several emails from a reader who posts as “bluedolphin.” Her emails have been combined into the story below. My comments follow the story.

Well, I am feeling really bad about a situation I have had with a guy since 6 months ago.

I met him over the Internet and he is from another country (both of us in Europe though). We talked about travelling and I told him how I would like to visit the area he lives and he quickly told me to jump in a plane and visit him there, which I thought was weird at such an early stage. Anyway, we started talking on Skype and this was in February.

He told me he had a long distance relationship (gf) with someone in another continent and that they had met twice only. He said they fight all the time and break up every day and that he hates make-up and that he fought with gf every day over her wearing make-up.

All this sounded strange to me. He told me he was a sex addict and online game addict, that he is hostile, impatient, insatiable.

When he told me those things at the very start I thought he might have been joking or not being serious. I really thought the gf wasn’t serious either and some people I talked to even hinted that she might not even exist and that he just made it up so that maybe I wouldn’t be expecting a serious thing out of the “relationship.”

He told me he had met her in October, that they fought all the time, that they break up every day. Then he told me how he had flown to my country to meet a woman for a day only weeks after supposedly having been with the gf. Then he told me the gf was visiting him in March and the minute she left there he was talking to me again and making plans to come over to meet met (and he did meet me only weeks after having been with the gf).

I really thought that either she didn’t exist or obviously he was going to break up at any time. Even when we chatted on Skype I asked him what he was doing and he said “looking for the one.” If he had a gf already, how could he be looking for the one???

As for the other things I didn’t take him seriously, how could I? Someone you just met doesn’t tell you they are hostile, impatient, insatiable, etc. It took me 1 and 1/2 months to actually talk to him on cam (because I didn’t want to and he kept insisting that I did) so I thought maybe since I didn’t want to talk properly to him, and in fact I could have been someone completely different, that he was joking around or not taking things seriously.

Thing is, when he came over to meet me he was so nice and I never thought of those things ever again.

Flew to visit me

When he came over to see me is when things changed for me, as he was very nice with me. We walked along the park, he held my hand, he hugged me and he told me it was a great day with me there. I thought he had been maybe more nasty with me before because maybe he felt he really didn’t even know who he was talking to over the net.

When he returned to his country he sent me messages saying that it was a very nice weekend, that it had been great to meet me, that he was really happy to see I was the way I was and that it was great not to have to be fighting like he apparently does with his gf all the time.

In fact, he told me he hadn’t been that happy in quite a long time and that is considering he came over to me in April and he had been with his gf in March. He said he wanted to meet me again and only the next day we arranged that I would fly to see him in 6 weeks. He told me he was taking me sailing.

Thing is he only wants to spend 36 hours maximum with me because he says he has other things to do and to call his gf because otherwise she gets suspicious if he is missing for too long. This was unacceptable but as it was only the second time we met I thought not to give it much thought as I thought he perhaps wanted to know me slowly and not to spend too much time at the start.

Hanging up on me

He seemed happy that he was going to see me again but weeks before I flew over he started to hang up on me on Skype whenever I said something he didn’t want to talk about. I asked him what he thought of me and he always answered that he doesn’t like me fishing for compliments. He started to give me time limits to talk on Skype, sometimes he would count down and then he would hang up on me. He would tell me I needed to structure my talk and talk about interesting things.

One day he told me he gave me 4 minutes to talk and at minute 3.30 he hung up. Then he said that I didn’t know how to use the time he gave me and that if I wasted 4 minutes like that he wouldn’t give me more next time. It became all really nasty, basically.

I had already bought my air ticket and anyway I was about to cancel it but I flew over. It was only for 36 hours that we met and the day I was leaving I asked him if we would see each other again. He said he didn’t know and then took me to the airport.

I was there saying good bye and he was just there for 5 minutes and I wanted him to stay a bit longer till I left. He got really angry, he looked at my face in such a cold way and told me I was being very clingy and that it was over forever, that we would never talk again. I was so shocked so traumatized. Then he walked away and didn’t even look back.

All my fault

When I arrived he asked if I had arrived safely and we talked on Skype but he still said it was over. He told me that I spoilt things while I was there, that it was my fault.

He said I made him run away, that how I could be so clingy at the airport, he said that I made him pay 3 Euros for parking at the airport when he wanted to go quickly. He constantly told me to change myself, he said how I can undermine his authority, whenever I asked when we can talk he says that he doesn’t know, not now, not today.

He blocked me several times on whatsapp and Skype. He many times told me I am ignorant, a bad listener or that I have bad memory. When I ask questions that don’t suit him he tells me to change topic. He even said I had to make an appointment to talk to him.

Then anyway, we got back talking and so many times when he is not available to talk he tells me that he wasn’t answering because he was having sex with such and such. Even a weekend after me visiting him he told me how he brought another woman to his house and he was doing with her the same things he did with me. Recently, I texted him one day and he said he was driving and that he was f*cking a girl in another country.

Third and last visit

And now, I visited him a third time in his country (and last time for me) because 36 hours is all he offers me and now he even says that it can’t be 2 nights but only one (and this is considering I fly from one country to another spending at least 400/500 Euros for 36 hours).

I touched him with a packet of paper tissues on his head and he got really angry, he told me I have no empathy and that I am crazy, that that was really bad and that he is so sensitive to noise.

I couldn’t believe the way he was reacting plus I told him I didn’t know that about him so it is not like I did it on purpose. He said that the fact I didn’t do it on purpose was irrelevant and that anyone would get annoyed by something like that.

I was trying to rationalise with him till he said that then in order for me to understand he would have to beat me. Hours later we went to the mountains and he was holding my hand and hugging me and looking at me as if there were feelings somehow.

Whenever I ask if we will talk he says that maybe, no guarantee or that we will but that he could be wrong. He is always the one who makes the call. Whenever I call him he doesn’t answer. Today I said to him to call me sometime and he said, “only when I want to!” I asked why I can never call him and he said that I can but then when I asked why he never answers when I call he says, “because I didn’t want to.” And then he said, “appreciate it, that I call you.”

Rough with me

While I was there with him this last time there was a time when he grabbed me in a rough way, I told him he was hurting me and to stop but he didn’t. He had sex with me at that time and I didn’t feel well about it. I was thinking for myself that it felt a bit like being forced somehow.

Coincidentally, the next morning he brought up (out of the blue) the topic of raping. My brother in law had called him months before to tell him that the way he was treating wasn’t right and this guy told me that morning (after grabbing me roughly the night before) that my brother in law had accused him of raping women. I was shocked because I know my brother in law never said this to him and what a coincidence! He brings that up after the previous night I sort of felt that way.

Ok, then, one of these days he told me to watch the scene of Maleficient movie where Angelina Jolie’s wings are cut off. He said: “mind, I didn’t cut your wings off.” I hadn’t watched the movie and didn’t have a clue what this was about and then I read on Google that the movie actually is about abuse and that particular scene is a metaphor for rape. I have no clue what he is trying to tell me but he clearly said he didn’t cut off my wings.

Out of the question

A few days ago he was playing mind games about me having asked if we were meeting again. He used a sentence I didn’t understand and the called me illiterate and stupid for not understanding.

Then, he finally said in such a cruel way that meeting me was out of the question because I push him out of his comfort zone and I interfere with his social network. I said that I will never fly to someone who while I am leaving is telling me that he is glad I am leaving (as he said) and he said “excellent.”

And then I added that I will never fly to someone who threatens me with beating me and talks to me about raping. He responded: “or bondage, huh? and gagging? and fisting? and threesome?”

I said, “you may not meet me because I interfere with your whores but I don’t meet beaters.”

Straight away he blocked me on whatsapp and Skype and that is how it is now. He has blocked me in the past too and then he unblocked me, I suppose because I was after him. I have no clue what will happen anymore.

Addicted to him

Another thing I wanted to mention, as it might be relevant (just things keep coming to my head non stop ”¦ there have been so many ”¦)

At the start he told me that I would get addicted to him. A few weeks down the line he told me that I was actually addicted to him, that I could not stop talking to him and basically that I was addicted but I didn’t know it yet (thing is we both talked). He also told me that I would like him when we would meet and that I would want to meet him again. He was telling me all these things as if he really knew well what was coming ”¦ I don’t know what he meant ”¦ why he knew all this, why he told me even if he knew it ”¦

The girlfriend

And the gf thing keeps haunting me. I keep forever asking myself how he can be so considerate with her that he wants to be there at the times they speak because if he is not she will suspect he is up to something so basically, he doesn’t want her to know.

Well, once he actually told me he doesn’t want her to know because he doesn’t want to hurt her. Then he said that if she does the same in her country it is fine as long as he doesn’t know. I asked him if he would be jealous and that if so it means he loves her. He said, well, it is just sentimental, pure greed, wanting to possess ”¦

On the other hand, he cheats on her non stop. Right, I somehow understand that 2 people that are away from each other and say one of them meets someone in their own place and they have an affair for a little while (still I am not the type of person who would accept that) but just with one other person but this, what he does is sick.

He likes to have sex with strangers, he is impulsive, impatient ”¦ How can he be with his gf in December and fly to a stranger in January? How can he be with his gf in March and fly to me (stranger again) in April? He cheats on her constantly.

One day I asked him if he loves her and he said: “Well ”¦ that is what I tell her and what  I tell myself.” Then he said he just wants to have sex with her more often. At the same time he said he was looking for “the one” as if he was still looking, someone who doesn’t need make up and jewelry to feel beautiful. He is forever talking about how he doesn’t hates make up and earrings on women and that he was breaking up with gf every day because he didn’t want her to arrive with make up when they met.

At one time he said he was thinking of getting married in October and I couldn’t believe it but I think “he was just thinking.” Then another time he said, “well, either she comes here, I go there to her or we break up.” Recently, he said that when two people are frustrated at some point they end up breaking up and apparently the whole thing is because she wants to get married and he doesn’t but I wonder how much more there is in there ”¦ He forever keeps saying that in a relationship there has to be mutual respect, trust and motivation.

Meeting people online

He was registered on two sites to meet people that I know. Recently he deleted his profile on one of them because the gf asked him to but he keeps the other one as gf doesn’t know about it.

He constantly told me they break up all the time, they fight, that there is disrespect, that they have different expectations, that she wants to get married and he doesn’t, that she is too stupid to get a visa and job in his country, that when they are on holidays they fight ”¦ and I kept asking so why are you with her? He said she can be nice.

Nothing makes sense to me.

But at least he travelled to her country twice and she went to his and they spent 1/2 weeks not like he does with me, offering me 36 hours and saying that he cannot even do the 36 and that it needs to be 24 hours next time.

Before this gf apparently he had another one in his town and according to him she broke up because she wanted to get married and he didn’t although he had also told me before that she loved her make up more than him. Then he said that just after that he flew to this new girl to meet her and made her his new gf (the one he is with now).

Question haunts me

One question that keeps haunting me is whether he or these people do this to everyone. I always think how can he behave like this with me and have a gf? Sure if he did this to her she would break up.

Ok, he cheats on her non stop but she doesn’t know that of course, however with me he always kept telling me how he didn’t call because he was having sex with another woman or how he had driven to the country next door for 2 hours to have sex with another or how he had one day 2 blind dates and on and on ”¦ so why does he hurt me like that? When he hides this from gf?

I need opinions

I need the opinions of people who have gone through this. I thought my story could be published on Lovefraud.

I need other people to help me and give me opinions.

I know and I have forever been asking myself why I put up with this behaviour, that is the constant question I ask myself and have been asking myself for the last 6 months and I don’t find an answer.

If anyone told me this was happening to them I would be telling them to run, but I don’t seem to be able to stop this. I feel I am hooked, addicted.

Donna Andersen responds

Hurtingbadly I am so sorry for what you have endured. Thank you for being willing to share so much of your story. Much of what you related may be helpful to other Lovefraud readers.

First let me reassure you: The man is a sociopath, and there is nothing you could have done to make him treat you any better. Nothing you or anyone can ever do will change his behavior.

He’s blocked you good. Use this as an opportunity to establish No Contact. Do not have contact with him ever again. Do not initiate contact. Do not respond to his contact. Make up your mind that you are ending it, regardless of what he does.

Sociopathic seduction

So why did you tolerate his bad behavior? Yours is a classic case of sociopathic seduction.

This man targeted you. He knew exactly what he was doing at all times, and his objective was to manipulate and exploit you possibly for no other reason than to entertain himself.

The basic problem is that you did not know that sociopaths exist, so you did not know how to interpret his behavior. That’s why you did not take him seriously when he told you that he was “a sex addict and online game addict, that he is hostile, impatient, insatiable.” Who says something like that? You assumed that he was joking. However, those may have been the only true words to come out of his mouth.

Everything else he said to you everything, including whatever he said about the girlfriend may have been a lie.

Causing addiction

The fact that he predicted that you would become addicted to him is very telling. He intentionally engaged in behaviors that would make you addicted to him, such as:

  1. Flying to see you, and being nice to you during the first visit. This creates pleasure for you, with is the first step of a psychopathic bond.
  2. Telling you about the girlfriend (which may or may not be true). This has the effect of making you competitive with this woman.
  3. Setting limitations on how much time he would spend with you. Keeping you at a distance, and playing hard to get, makes you want him more. That’s the way our brains are wired.
  4. After being nice to you, treating you badly. This creates fear and anxiety in you, because you want the relationship to go back to how nice it was in the beginning. Fear and anxiety has the effect of making the psychopathic bond stronger. So each cycle of him being nice him being mean getting back together made you more addicted to him.

Emotional manipulation

This man engaged in emotional and psychological manipulation: Criticizing you, setting time limits, keeping you guessing about whether or not he will talk to you, blaming you, getting angry over nothing.

I mean, him getting angry about 3 euros for parking? Or being touched on the head by tissues? That was all meant to establish control over you.

And his statements about not liking make-up and jewelry? I can see two reasons for that. First, he wants to exert control, make you change to suit him. (In fact, if you didn’t wear make-up, he might demand that you do). Secondly, he may be cheap, and doesn’t want to spend money buying a woman make-up or jewelry.

The worst part was when he became rough with you, and then talked about beating you, and then about rape. This man was testing you, trying to see how much you would tolerate.

It could have gotten really bad. I am so glad that you have ended it. Please, have no more contact with this man.

More information

Here are some articles that may help you understand what happened:

Why you weren’t thinking clearly when you fell for the sociopath

Love, sex, your brain and sociopaths

Getting over that amazing ”˜chemistry’

Oxytocin, trust and why we fall for psychopaths


Comment on this article

909 Comments on "LETTER TO LOVEFRAUD: He told me I would get addicted to him"

Notify of

Yes Donna – I am convinced her change in attitude was due to her talking to him. She kept saying that he rejected me, that he used me only for sex, that he played with me, that I am dead to him (all these things hurt like hell but of course I never let it show). She told me how he played and used me but that he didn’t with her. I was speechless. I know he played and used me but how can she say he is not with her after cheating on her day in and day out? She told me I love him and that I am all alone revolting about his rejection of me. Her only aim was to be more than me because as she says he stays with her and not me. All he cared about is that she is gf and he is her boyfriend. She told me how she was with his family and he was with hers and that this is the reason she calls him bf. She also said that what they have is no social media or anything like it but real life thing. My God!!

She even went onto tell me that he was there and they were going to have sex and that he was in the shower waiting for her. She asked me if I wanted to talk to him to what I said no problem as I didn’t want to show that I had anything to hide. Then she called me on Skype and after 1 minute when I said pass him on, she said she would call me back in a few minutes but she never did. She said he pays for her air tickets when she goes to him and he pays to visit her. I told her he also bought a ticket to fly to me, which by the way costed 350 Euros. Then all she could come up with is that he paid more for her tickets!!!! hello!!!! not even a 2 year old would say this when you are after being told that he cheats and besides, it does not matter it is finished with me because there are so many other women he was with.

But sometimes I wonder something I can’t still understand – why is he with her still (2 years now although of course in the distance and they see each other twice a year because they live in different continents). How is she a victim? if in reality he spends his money and holidays with her while he only offered me 36 hour visits?

I understand the need to reach out after some time has gone by…
I’m sure you are traumatized right now and I am sorry.
I have not been here on LF for awhile but happened to log in tonight and saw your post.
The thing to do is understand how YOU have become involved with a clearly disturbed person who sounds dangerous but is probably just doing a lot of barking.
It does not matter what he is doing…none of it is real.
You are feeding his supply and that’s it.
I have done lot’s of research in the last year.
If you have any questions, please reach out to me.
I am not an expert but a person who has been there more times than I care to admit.
I am finally able to say that I am no longer a victim.

stronginthecity – Yes, I read articles already about notifying the next victim, what normally happens, etc. (That they don’t believe us). He had done so much damage to me with all his abuse, threats of beating me and rape that all I cared was telling the gf.

Yes, traumatized, that is what I am right now! not because I want him back or miss him but because once again I saw his cruelty and even in a higher degree than before! I wasn’t contacting him, I was contacting the gf on her Facebook account. They live in different continents and meet two or three times a year and without me knowing that they were together just and just at that time I sent her the info and proof. I had only come across her profile last week and that is why I hadn’t contacted her before. It just happened to be when they were together. I thought it was her writing to me all the time when I suddenly realised it was him and he in the end confirmed it. My first messages and screenshots to her were on Monday night, then I went to bed and the next day on Tuesday, is when I started receiving messages from him (I believed it was her). Do you guess or have any idea what might have happened from Monday night that I wrote to her to Tuesday when he started writing me? since I sent the messages to her FB account and it was him replying the next day?

He keeps thinking I want him back and he in fact told me he doesn’t want me despite knowing that he can have me any time. As I told him, he is delusional.

But why did the gf allowed him to have her phone and type to me for 2 hours when she was seeing a woman (me) was talking about him cheating on her? why didn’t she do the typing? why didn’t she talk to me to find out what was going on? what happened there between them that he ended up doing all the talking to me? and why for 2 hours the second day and 90 minutes the 1st day? he could have insulted me a couple of times, say whatever and block but no, nearly 4 hours in total of insults and degradation to me from his gf’s phone while she is with him.

Anyone has any idea what this is?

You asked what is this does anybody know what’s going on here okay I’m going to give it to you straight what’s going on here is insanity and you need to stay away from and all of his girlfriends and flying monkeys they are very dangerous you.
It doesn’t matter if the other woman or women believe you or not it doesn’t matter it’s not up to us to warn anybody else it’s up to us to take care of ourselves you have to remove yourself from this completely now that you had contact with him and let him torment you for hours this has to be a clue that there’s something terribly wrong here.

I know that you’ve been on here before and people who have given you the advice to get away from him go no contact and work on yourself why do you want to keep contacting him what is it that you need maybe we can help you but if you don’t recognize that this is totally dangerous and bad for you there’s nothing more to do.

From what you described about this person I don’t find anything good about him he sounds completely psychotic and dangerous and loves hurting people.
I have to run out for an appointment but when I come back I will send you some links about why and how to stay that no contact with the psycho and his flying monkeys including any women that he may be seen it’s not up to us to warn them again they will not listen and look what happened please take care of yourself I will be back in about an hour and a half and I will send you some links until then please stop looking Facebook please consider deleting your Facebook account until you can get this matter resolved

stronginthecity – I did not want to contact him at all and in fact I didn’t. I contacted the gf because I found her FB only last week and I had a lot of hurt done to me by him so I wanted to let her know what he is doing behind her back. That way I would let her know who she is with and then I would hurt him in a way. I did not know it was him typing to me till much much later. So no, I do not want contact with his women or him. I wanted to only let the gf know.

This is triangulation.
Spaths love this and he is most likely lovebombing her too.
It’s what they do.
I have a question..
Why would you subject your self to 4 hours of torture from him?
I am curious to know what you have doing towards your recovery and stalking him and his new girlfriends does not count!

stronginthecity – I explained already – the first day I had no clue it was him, not at all. That day we talked for 90 minutes. The second day it was messages from her phone again and I didn’t realise it was him till the very end. This conversation helped me see that he is much more evil than I thought and not only that but I have proof in writing that he said he threatened me with beating me because I deserved it and that he raped me because I searched for it, to tae the consequences.

Back in January I was about to report him to the Police and was talking to an investigator they assigned to me in his country. She encouraged me to report it but I both felt sorry for him and wasn’t sure about what I was doing without a lawyer. So I didn’t go ahead in the end. Also, I knew it was his words against mine cause I had no proof. Now, if I want to go ahead, I do have proof, in writing from him admitting it all.

The minute our conversation was over I blocked them both although he had me blocked since last year anyway. We hadn’t talked at all since. I thought it was the gf and I was curious to see what she was saying. I sent her messages and she was writing back. It was much later I realised it was him. I am not stalking his gfs. I wanted to get at him with this particular one because this is the one he calls “gf”. I needed to do it for me even because of all the hurt and abuse he carried out. I am not the only one I believe that does this kind of thing, to contact the gf.

stronginthecity – you say they are very dangerous to me. Why are they dangerous? Sorry, I only want to understand.

Ok ,
Please read my last post again.
It’s not our job to warn anyone about anything,Ok?
If you are not willing to recognize this …no contact with any of them then noboby here can help you.
Tough love.

It’s been a very long time since I was here. So many things have happened since last I saw posts from love fraud in my emails.
In two months it will be a year since my ex left me via voice message. In that time he slowly came for the bulk of his things. Still a truck load here that I must get ride of. My son came from California and on fathers day we stole back the truck that I had signed for. He paid the payment if and when he felt like it. But it was always late and always short.
The woman he left me for left him in January. She sought me out and came to my door one day. In away she saved my life. 1. I was glad it didn’t work out for her either.
2. She gave me validation that I wasn’t crazy. We straightened out the three years we shared this horrible being. Days, times, lies, of where he was and why he didn’t come home.
I’ve spent the last 6 months watching my brother die of horrible cancer. He passed on his birthday 8/29/16.
It was good to have a good friend. It was great to have her help me through my problems.
Then one day my mom and I went out with her. I convinced my mom she was golden. Mom took my lead and we had a crazy grief relieving night out. The girls laughing. We torched him, we joked laughed and danced like my brother wasn’t dying.
I woke up in the night and found her gone. I thought she had gone home.
Next day she returns. She is upset wanting to confess to my mom and I that she woke during the night and called the asshole. They met, they got a hotel room and the rest is history. It was very disturbing to me.
She called and texted. She wanted to share every detail. She wanted my understanding. She wanted to go on and on and on.
All of a sudden as time grew short for my brother. I am sitting at the foot of his bed watching him fight to breathe with my family and she begins to text me. How I should call her that moment and fight it out with her. OMG. I could not call I am with family. My brother is dying. I tried to text. I tried to calm her. I tried to comfort and reassure her. But she told me to call her in that moment as she would not take another text from me.
I told her by text in that moment that she was self absorbed and that she would not hear from me again.
Now she is blocked just like the asshole.
I have heard from everyone that they are two of a kind. She shared with him every story I told. Every threat I made, every tear I shed. I’m sure she added whatever more that would endear him to her or cause him to fight with her, or for him to denounce me.
It’s been a couple of weeks since my best friend, my brother died. It’s been three weeks since I blocked this pretend friend. I blame myself for being so stupid. I did not recognize that she and he were male and female versions of the same perversions.
This site saved me in my early days when he left me and I just wished to die. This site strengthened me as I slowly stood up and started walking on both feet again. My gratitude is never ending.
I think I want to say that if you come here for help, then you must listen to the advice. To get unstuck you must make a move in the right direction. The time for telling the same old stories is done. Holding onto anything from the past just for the sake of the story is not beneficial for anyone. Not the story teller and not for any one who tries to help that story teller.
This has been a rough year for me. The loss of my relationship of 5 years, the pretend friend, and the death of my brother has been devastating.
Still I’m trying to get from where I am today to a better place down the road.
My sincere gratitude to everyone here that have shared heart ache and good advice. God bless you fellow travelers.
Keep your hearts open

Hi. Wow it has been awhile. I too was gone. So sorry to hear about whst you went through. Esp sorry to hear about your brother. That truely shows what she is that she could not even empathise with what you were going through.
Its strange how i just came back today too. I thought i had processed and was moving forward…than hit with a close friend who totally used me. Realize she is one too. And than did the mistake of talking to my ex. He wanted to apologize. That was a mistake!! You are so right about loosing the stories and letting them go…wish it was that easy.

Don’t be hard on yourself What happened. If I had not gone no contact my ex would be right back here also.
I was addicted to him. He could smooth things over and I would believe very word.
He is no good. His fall from grace when he left me was swift.
He hangs with drug addicts. He has become a meth addict as it turns out.
His latest girl is an ex con.
They both popped up on the nightly news in May.
A dead girls body was found out on his place. A full FBI swat team surrounded his place on a tip and a poor missing girl was found dead.
He says he didn’t do it or have anything to do with it. He says one of his drug addicted friends killed his girl friend and dumped her at his farm. OMG !
There is no returning under any circumstance for me now.
Hell that could have been me.
He has joined the dark side.
It’s much easier now to stay no contact.
Even as used and abused as I was could never fall into this deadly trap. It’s frightening really.
Bad things can and do happen around these people. Stay strong. Don’t let your ex hurt you anymore.
As for the girl. It was nice for awhile to have someone to sort things out with. I’ll be grateful for that.
I’m glad though that she showed herself and now it’s no contact for her either. They have become frightening to me. Much easier now to stay far far away.

Wow…you have been through alot. I spoke with mine i guess i thought now that he is suposably sober, i would get some kind of closure. Well silly me. It was twisted back on me. Reality is he has no conscious. As far as running off with a girl. He did not apoligise because he couldnt remember, he knows he did, but since he doesnt remember he said that if i am mad well he doesnt know what to say his mind wasnt working. It hurts. But it does confirm how he thinks. A healthy person would apoligise even if they do not remember, as they would have empathy for the person they hurt.
Unbelievable!! You are soooo lucky. That really could have been you! It really is an addiction for us too. Stay strong. You do sound so much better.

Thank you what happened.
I do feel better about the ex and all that went before.
Sometimes I’m lonely. Sometimes I miss all the fun we had.
He was charming.
But all I need do is look at my upside down finances, drop in my credit score, see first hand what a flop house hovel is farm has become and I thank god for my many blessings.
This time last year I was sure I would die without him.
Now he appears to be trying to kill himself. Ugh the people he surrounds himself with are horrible.
So thankful he is gone. He lost his motorcycle shop. He’s been through dozens of women and when last I heard the ex con was out of jail and not returning to him either.
He’s not getting any younger and if he is doing meth his health will fail him also. What an idiot.
But Donna is right he will never change.
I expect him to turn up at the house one day when I least expect it.
I only hope I am not holding anything that could be used as a weapon when he does. I’m afraid I’d hit him with the garden hose, a bag of trash , or a hammer, what ever I had in my hand at the time
.i do have anger issues where he is concerned.
But life has a way of dealing justice on its own.
He has had one bad thing after the other befall him since he left.
His troubles are ultimately of his making . Karma can be a bitch.
So in away karma has helped me with the NO CONTACT.
No one in their right mind would willingly hook up with the drug addicted person his has become. Well maybe other drug addicts. Certainly not me.
I would never have believed the reversal in fortune he has undergone had I not witnessed it for myself.
Sometimes I wonder if he can see his decline. Or I wonder if he wishes he had done done the things that he has done in life. I doubt that he can see anything. I’m sure he continues to blame me and any and everyone else for his misfortune.
As for you.
You sound better also. There is a light at the end of the tunnel for as all. We just got to keep walking.
I hope you are as doing as good as each day allows.
It is funny we came back on the same day. I felt I needed a little tune up.
This is the right place for that ‘

Your instincts are right to stay away from him and his drug-addicted friends the body being buried on his farm and the meth use I would say for sure you need to stay away from these people.

I just saw these other post I have to log on to my computer to read them all butt I think I understand that his ex came to your house and you became friends and then she went back with him oh my goodness I’m so sorry that happened to you

I have read quite a lot about the topic with psychopaths/sociopaths being confused about their sexuality and I have a very strange feeling because I didn’t notice at the time, however now I have read random comments my guy made at different times which I find very suspicious.Here are the comments:

1. “I am curious about girls, not boys. I am not gay”. (there was no need in the context of the conversataion to really express that he wasn’t gay. Saying he is interested in girls only would have sufficed). It felt he really wanted to emphasize that he wasn’t gay.
2. “I am allergic to men” (this was when talking about him wanting to have a threesome with 2 girls and that he didn’t want with 2 men)
3. We were driving along and we stopped at a traffic light and there was a guy standing in the street. My guy looked at him and said that he looked attractive or sexy or good looking (can’t remember exactly which of the three words he used). I kind of thought that he was telling me for me to look at the guy but I really wonder……because he never looked at me or asked for my opinion when he said this. It felt more as if he was talking to himself.

4. he told me about how he didn’t like a festival they celebrate in his city because people drink and asked me if I hadn’t heard of 3 British men one raping another while the other one watched. He told me how he hates alcohol and this festival.
5. “my fellow student invited me to his house to a party. He tried to show me nude pictures, to find out if I had balls”. (here we were just discussing how the word “balls” was said in Spanish). I never understood what this meant. A guy showing him nude pictures for what???
6. A conversation we had:
Me: you can keep waiting
Him: as you wish. But i won’t wait alone.
Me: be with whoever. I will only feel sad for them
Him: with my boyfriend
Me: great, have fun
Him: we always have

Does anyone see/feel anything off here?

They are dangerous to your emotional health I don’t know how old you are butt if you don’t work through the snow you’re only going to subject yourself to another interaction with a person just like this.

Since you say that he’s in another country I think that’s what you said it’s not very likely that he can harm you physically.

You have to address the reason why you were attracted to this type of person in the first place and I understand the attraction I understand there was something about him bad you just can’t get over yet.

I don’t mean to sound like I don’t sympathize with you because I do and that’s why I’m trying so badly to help you understand that this will not change and only get worse the only thing that you can do is control yourself and that means one day at a time no contact or even one hour at a time okay?

I don’t know what country you’re in I am in the United States and I can tell you that I live in a very big city and there are a lot of resources available and I have tried everything to bring the law into my situation and they just are not going to do anything about it you only be spending your head and making yourself feel bad because nobody’s helping you when the best thing that you can do is just don’t contact him don’t try to warn anybody else he will do himself and eventually and I mean he will alienate everybody from his life.

These people get inside your head and even if you’re not with them they want to make sure that you are not emotionally secure to be with anyone else either but it’s not because they want you they just went to control you and I had a very difficult time wrapping my mind around what are they controlling?

It took almost a year after he moved away and no contact months and months of me learning and growing and getting my hands on lots of YouTube videos and support groups.

Even support group sometimes can be traumatizing because it keeps you in the loop of what’s going on that’s why I haven’t been on here for a while and I’m sure that Donna and the others will agree that that’s a healthy thing to do.
Bluedolphin and others here that are interested,
The above link is to a website from a book that I had from work from my last job my last full-time job that I lost when I was going through the emotional trauma.
I found the book in my garage as I was doing some cleaning up things that I had for almost a year my responsibilities with my phone in the garbage with everything else but now that I have some strength back I use the strength to get my life back in order.
This energy does not come everyday and sometimes it’s only for a couple of hours my new job is very physical so the days that I’m off I have to rest as much as I can so that I can work.

Blue Dolphin I hope that you will take the help that people are offering here and I understand if you want to just vent I get it the psychopath alienates us from all of our friends and family so we’re left with nobody to talk to in the end which is where I am now.

I have embraced this alone time to get myself back on track I don’t need to be in a relationship right now I’m too busy getting to know who I am after all these years of giving myself to others and getting nothing in return.

I have learned that the reason that I am this way the reason that I let one to sort of person after another invade my life was because it felt familiar to me my mother as I discovered is a narcissist and abuse me emotionally terribly I only learned this last year in September after my ex husband died of a long drawn-out terrible cancer that lasted 7 years he’s finally at rest now we had been divorced for over 10 years and become friends again because of my daughter and because he was my ex-husband and I was very young when we met and I wanted to just get out of my house so when he asked me to marry him at the age of 21 I said yes without even getting to know who he was first.
It has taken me 30 years to finally discover why I was letting these people into my life I was inviting them in to help me address my pain I Now understand that I have been no contact with my family including my sisters since September of last year.
Blue Dolphin I don’t want to see you go through 30 years of this please learn from us the people who have been able to find out how and why and then love yourself enough two never invites these types into her life ever again.

stronginthecity – I do understand everything you are saying and I hear you, I really do. I do know that contacting the gf maybe wasn’t the best thing to do but I needed it so badly. In my head it is like giving him something back at the time he least expected it for all the hurt he had caused. It was in some way like saying “right you blocked me with no warning after insulting me, after raping me, after threatening with beating me and only 10 days after flying to him and spending my money (I always thought that if he despised me that much he could have told me not to fly to him). After all this I swear to God that I needed something, whatever to sort of let him know that I can attack too. Maybe I did it just for me, maybe for revenge but I needed it, believe me. Now it is done and over.

I have seen now and that is it. It is over but since all this happened only last week I would have liked an opinion as to what people think about the gf allowing him to have her phone and type to me for 2 hours when she was supposedly seeing that a woman (me) was talking about him cheating on her? why didn’t she communicate with me instead to maybe find out what was going on? what do you think happened that he ended up doing all the talking to me? and why for 2 hours the second day and 90 minutes the 1st day? As I said above, he could have insulted me a couple of times, say whatever and block but no, nearly 4 hours in total of insults and degradation to me from his gf’s phone while she is with him. If I was the gf and was in that situation I would ask my bf what he has to tell another woman he despises for 2 hours…….It almost felt as if he was bored and he entertained himself with the convo he had with me.

Bluedolphin, have you ever considered that maybe he made the gf up, including a fake FB page? It’s possible. I was hoping you would have begun moving on by now and focusing on yourself and your own life. It concerns me that you are still on the merry-go-round. This is not the way the healing process works – there has been no movement toward growth that I can see from your posts. I suspect you may require some further intervention to get your life back on track. After all this time, you should know that whatever he/she says about you has nothing to do with you. Consider the source. If you have learned nothing from being here, at least know that contacting him even by proxy (gf’s FB page, etc.) is very detrimental to your health. I wish you the best but sorry to hear you are still back in the same boat you were in in December. Please just stay away from him/her/anyone connected to him. Life is better on the outside of the toxic circle. I have a dear old college friend who is 4-1/2 years out of a divorce. Whether or not her ex is a sociopath, he exhibited some sociopathic traits in the last years of her marriage. She is so obsessed after all this time that she constantly asks the same questions you do – she is focused on his behaviors, what his intentions are/were, and overly focused on her grown daughters’ lives. The thing I am not hearing in her story is what steps she is taking to repair and rebuild her life. You are really reminding me of her right now. You are caught on a treadmill of obsession about the past. It’s almost as if you are both addicted to the drama – it’s as if the horrible feeling has become part of your identity. I worry about her just as I worry about you. Don’t be like my friend – move on with your life. Her marriage lasted 26 years. Your affair with this guy only lasted a few months. You really need to move on with your life. There is no reason why you shouldn’t. You already know there will be no closure.

Stargazer – that was the gf’s facebook account and I know it. He didn’t make up the account at all. She has lots of comments from her contacts in there. And he did write from her phone (her mobile is from her country, I could see the international code, which is a different country to his). So no, he did not make up the facebook account and clearly that was her phone. She also added me to Skype where we talked for 2 minutes and it was her Skype. They happened to be together on holidays when I contacted her last week so it is clear that somehow he did something to write from her phone and FB to me. Maybe she told him to do so.

I needed a bit of help/opinions on this particular incident, which only happened last week. I was doing much better no matter what you think. I was relaxed. I don’t want to keep explaining myself but I contacted her because it happened that I came across her fb profile (I wasn’t looking for it) and that is something I had always wanted to do – tell her what he is doing.

If the girlfriend or the woman whoever she is allowed him to use her phone or computer and send messages for hours I’m wondering if they’re doing some kind of drugs or something it just sounds so bizarre I’m trying to picture the entire situation in my head about the two of them together and doing this that’s just my idea of what might be going on there

I do understand the reaching out we’ve all done it and nobody is perfect don’t be so hard on yourself I want to answer your question about the whole Facebook phone texting situation I think the whole Facebook thing was fake I think he was the one that set that whole thing up I think it was him that you were talking to the entire time.

This is what they do these are the links that they will go to they want to make sure that they are still in your head and it does take a long time to get out of it.
Either way even if it was him or the girlfriend or whoever it doesn’t matter it’s a very Twisted situation and I hope that you find the strength day by day one day at a time to release this entire situation.

I don’t want you to feel like I’m being judgemental or attacking you but I’m just trying to help you if you keep trying to get answers to stuff that doesn’t make sense it just doesn’t make sense because it’s crazy.

If something doesn’t feel right or just feels off and you can’t make sense of it it means it doesn’t exist it’s all a big lie I know what he did to you hurt you.

Please try to take the first steps toward finding yourself again and letting this go.
Take it from someone who knows it’s the only way he will probably still have a couple of slip-ups before you completely let go and move on and I will not judge you for that.
Try to do some journaling and write down your thoughts about what’s was going through your mind when you first went to meet him or when you first talk to him online what kind of feelings are you feeling go deep inside and try to understand why you would want to go and meet somebody that sounded abusive from the very beginning what made you get on that plane and spend your own money to go and see him what to think that you were trying to gain from that?

Once you understand the true motivation and you can keep that to yourself you don’t have to share it with anybody the true motivation for wanting to see him then you will begin to understand it and begin to release and let go.

Stronginthecity – thanks for your understanding. I really need it right now.

Ok, I will explain as good as I can.

1st day last week – I contacted on FB. I found her profile by accident and wasn’t looking for it or digging. 90 minutes spent writing messages and of course, me thinking all the time it was her. Only at the very end I remember telling her that she started to sound like him because I noticed some expressions were like his. At this time I realised they were together on holidays. One of the interesting things was how she or he was talking about how he paid more money to go to her than he did to come to me. I thought, but which retarded person is after finding out that she is being cheated on and all she can think of is compare prices of flights? as if that did matter. The message was after finding out she is cheated on that she doesn’t care and that she chooses to be with him (I am speechless). Not only does she know he cheated on her with me but with others and that he threatened me with beating me and raped me. WOW

2nd day – on the phone on whatsapp. 2 hours typing messages back and forth. Again I thought it was her but it was confusing as some expressions were his and then after a long time typing he says “My Penis” to make it clear it was him. At times he talked as if it was her and other times he talked as he was him. Ok, 2 hours of insults and what not plus clearly and stupidly admitting that he raped me and threatened me with beating me.

Now,today!! – emails back and forth from her email address and this time she stated that it was her and that the other day I was stupid because it was also her and I thought it was him when in reality, the other day he was kind of telling me that I was stupid believing it was her writing (so all twisted). She told me I seduced him (no comments when he was the one insisting to meet me and he did meet me and flew to me first). She called me everything and told me that my concept of love is not her concept bla, bla, bla (I don’t know since when lying and cheating are within the definition of love but anyway). She sent me so many pictures of them together in different countries and I was about to break down seeing those photos (it hurts). Then she sends me pics of her in his house. I told her, yeah I was there too and so many others. But wait, he told me himself when I talked to him that he had flown to a country in Europe to meet a woman for sex. This trip took place at the end of January 2015. Now she tells me that he was lying to me and that I was so stupid because what he really meant is that he was with her at that time and not with this woman, something I know to be a lie because he was with her alright at Xmas 2015/ beginning of January 2015 but not on the 29th of January.
She says I am jealous because I want to be in her position (be with him). I know he always mentioned about her needing a visa to go to stay with him in his country (she is from Brazil and we are in Europe) and now she says she doesn’t need one because she has a European passport. Right, he used to tell me she was too stupid and simple minded and too stupid to get a job and visa to go to him. Now, she again tells me that I am so stupid and deplorable because those were lies he told me and I believed him, that that was all to make their relationship look bad but that they were lies he told me. I mean, why would a man who had already got what he wanted from me and was not going to meet me again want to make his “relationship” look bad? Deep down, I do know he was telling the truth about what he thinks of her. But all those photos together and meeting his family and hers? I mean those photos? are they proof that they love each other? I am confused to say the least.

I am telling her I was with him and she does believe me. I am telling her many others are with him. I am telling her he is lying to her and cheating on her and all she talks about is the lovely photos or how he spends more money on tickets to her than me or irrelevant things…….totally lost…, this guy doesn’t do drugs. Maybe it was both of them interchanging the messages through her phone and whatssap…….

Hi Bluedolphin,

When it comes to dealing with a sociopath you can not truth him or the people is around under his brain washing & mind control.

What I read from your post is:

WHO knows if your ex is typing out the post or if the woman is typing you….

but either way it does NOT matter.

What I also read is this other woman might be sucked into his con game but she could also be running her own con game!!!

Brazil is a extremely poor country and right now their is so much corruption with in the government that the Brazilian citizens are desperate to get out. And she just might have been desperate enough to run a con to get out of Brazil.

SO PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE Block her and your ex!!

You will never learn the whole truth when it comes to a sociopath!

My ex did the same thing when I left him. I found out about 3 women (maybe 5 not sure about the other two) that he was having an affair with. This after him begging me to stay after I found out about his two year affair a few years earlier.

When I escaped I found a counselor who told me the truth about my then husband. That was it, I was done with the marriage. I had the answer that I had been praying for = the truth!!

The truth that he would never change, that he was a pathological liar, that he created a smear campaign against me throughout the whole marriage & dating, that he was triangulating me with others, brain washing me, belittling me to control me & mind, the list goes on and on.

I two contacted all of these women once I found out from that counselor that he was a sociopath. Why? because I knew he could kill one or all of them. I lived in total fear of this the whole marriage.

3 of the women lived out of state so I sent a letter to them. Same letter to them. I told them in the letter that I was divorcing him and listed the county & state the divorce papers were filed along with the date. I also told them that I did not care that he was with them that because of them I finally escaped.

One I emailed (a friend found her on fb and gave me her email) I told her the same thing that I was happy to file for divorce and that he was all hers if she wanted but told her exactly what my counselor told me the first day I sat on her couch looking for answers.

The other one I called she knew me…knew we were married. She did seem to really care either way. With was fine. I knew the truth and she would soon learn that I was the good person trying to protect her.

After that I NEVER contacted them again. I did what any good person would do = warned them. And hoped that they would stay safe & would warn his next victims once they escaped.

What I can tell you from my own experience is you have to let go of some things. You will never convince everyone that he is a sociopath they will have to learn on their own. But what you have done is planet the seed in her mind…if she is a good person she will escape his grips too…if she is not well you would never have gotten anywhere with her in the first place.

Bluedolphin…this week has triggered you. Your mind can not let go of this and you emotions. This is normal when you are triggered by something the sociopath did past or present.

But like I said before you have to be consciously aware of your thoughts. (READ THAT AGAIN)!!!

FOCUS ON YOU NOW!!! Focus on your thoughts that dont include those two people.

I like the saying down let people take up space in your mind without paying rent (something like that??).

He is not worth anymore of your time. HE will never be a good boyfriend or husband matter. He is a EVIL EVIL sociopath.

Count all of your blessing that you escaped his grips!!!!!!!

Count all of your luck stars that you escaped his grips!!!!


take a nice walk out on a beach, in a park or around the block and look at the beautiful sky, trees, flowers, homes etc.


Jan7 – thank you for your words of kindness and understanding, also for not judging me by contacting the gf.

At this point I am fully confused about who did the writing the first two days. First, I thought it was her, then I thought it was him and now I don’t have a clue. It may be that it was both of them (sometimes he wrote and sometimes she did). However, yesterday it was definitely her from her email address writing. First they (he/she) laughed because I believed them it was her writing tome when in fact they said it was him. Then she laughed again because I believed it was him when in fact it was her – laughing at how stupid I was. Last week they were together but I believe they are not (I mean physically together on holidays as they were last week) so yesterday it was definitely her.

Her rationalization of things is unbelievable. She keeps telling me that he used me as a puppet, that then threw me like rubbish, that yes, I was with him but I will never be anymore, etc….and I think for myself – doesn’t he use you (her) when he cheats on you constantly and lies to you about it? isn’t that using??? She says if he has many girls she doesn’t care and what is worse she is seeing that he threatened me with beating me and raped me and she doesn’t care about this either!!!! If I has a bf and I find out he is treating others like this I would dump him. It does not matter he is not doing it to me directly but only the fact that he does it to others tells me enough about the person!!!! So to her it seems that as long as he treats her “nicely” whatever he does to others or even to her on the side does not matter.

Yes, you may be right about the Visa thing. I have heard many things about women from Brazil wanting to escape and that may be a reason she stays with him despite all he does. What broke my heart is all the photos she sent to me of them together in different countries. And that confuses me because how can they look happy? and him holding her hand or kissing her cheek or whatever???? they look like a couple in love!! how can this be possible? She told me that I was stupid if after seeing those lovely photos I still believe she is with him for a visa.

But she ignores completely the fact that he cheats on her and lies to her and it is not like other women who don’t believe you when you say it. She does seem to believe me because she has never questioned it. Her point basically is that he chooses to stay with her.

In December I talked to a woman he was with before and that conversation helped a lot. She told me how he drove to The Netherlands to meet her (although she is from Brazil too but as she told me she is not the typical Brazilian). I saw some messages of how in that trip to The Netherlands to meet her he still wrote to another woman in a chat who lived half way from where he was to see if she wanted to meet (meeting another woman in his way to meet this other one!!!). Anyway, this woman I talked to told me that she realised that he was cheating on her. She told me how he was seductive and told her exactly what she wanted to hear (she wanted to have children so he told her that he wanted children with her). She confronted him about the cheating and he lied and denied it and she left him. This woman had a brain clearly! and before I even told her what I thought of him she told me “I really think he is a sociopath”. I was speechless, I told her I thought the same thing all along but it was like someone else, someone who had been with him telling me what I myself suspected so this conversation helped me tremendously. She didn’t tell me much or in detail about what happened between them or their relationship but I did tell her about mine and she said she was willing to be a witness or help me if I decided to report him.

This same woman told me how he wrote to her last year asking her for help to write a letter of invitation for the woman she is with now (because both women are from Brazil). She told me that she said to him “you used my vagina but you won’t use my brain”. If he was asking for help with a letter of invitation is clearly because the woman now needs a visa to enter Europe to be with him. Still she had the cheek yesterday to tell me that she has a European passport when he himself told me last year that she couldn’t go to him because she didn’t have money, holidays or a visa. The woman I talked to who lives in The Netherlands told me the same as you. She said she knows women in Brazil very well (after all she is from Brazil too) and that this woman may well be the one manipulating him too.

I don’t know – but the photos, those photos she sent of them together… do they look so happy?

You’re Welcome Bluedolphin, hugs to you!!

We have ALL been exactly where you are emotionally right now. Triggers SUCK!! And this week you have been triggered.

You are a good person…you have tried to warn this other woman and what did you get in return = abuse.

You are a good person & smart woman!! Know this!!

A good person warns others of danger! A smart woman search for answers which lead you to love fraud AND to vent here this week when you were triggered.

I will share a bit of my experience….the woman that I emailed after finding out from a counselor that my ex (then h) was a sociopath to warn her (she was having an affair with my then h, not sure she knew he was married) turned into a disaster like your experience with this woman.

I emailed her told her I was divorcing my h for serial cheating. I left out all emotions never did I say anything about her cheating with a married man. It was not the point for sending her an email.

In return she sent me the most nasty email back you could ever imagine…like yours I was called stupid, dumb, needed to move on, get a life, pull up your big girl pants etc.etc.

I too was triggered by her nasty response. I just ignored it. Why? because my ex was creating enough chaos with the divorce and begging me to return to him that I honestly could not handle any more stress…my anxiety level was thru the roof.

Yes, I wanted to defined myself and let her know that I went to a top university, got great grades, worked for a fortune 100 company working with the CEO weekly. But I did not.

Why? because I knew right then and there that he had already created a smear campaign against me and a pity me manipulation tactic with her to only believe his lying words.

She attempted to suck me into with two more emails…like I started to believe my ex & her were typing them together as the wording and verbal assaults were very much in line with how my ex belittled me in our marriage.

I did not respond. I simply Blocked them both!!

Why? because they WANTED to suck me into their drama. I made a very conscious decision NOT to be sucked into their drama.

The original purpose of sending the email was to simply warn her she was in grave danger with him. I did not want to find out he killed her without ever warning her. That simply would have torn me apart.

What I did was plant a seed in her mind…and one day she will see that I told her the truth about EVERYTHING!! And that same day she will realize her live IS in danger with the sociopath she allowed into her life.

So you did the right thing but know it is time to SLAM THE DOOR SHUT ON THOSE TWO PEOPLE as they will only bring drama & chaos into your life.


closure maybe means to you he will admit his abuse


admit he is a serial cheater


what every it means to you…



That is your closure!!!





Close the door on him today!! better yet SLAM THE DOOR SHUT AS HARD AS YOU CAN!!!! 🙂

You warned her and now it’s time to have your peace again…to settle your racing mind, you calm your heart rate, to sleep peacefully …the only way to have this is to close the door and move on.

Write down on a piece of paper what you want this year and next year. Is there a hobby that you have always wanted to do? or a book you wanted to read, or a special trip with a girlfriend or family member to go on? plan these things out. Check out the site Meetup. com. It’s a site with all the clubs, organizations, hobby groups in your community that you can join to meet knew people. Stick to the all women groups since you are vulnerable right now and need to stay on alert around men that could suck you into a bad relationship.

Glad you have vented this week. It really is part of the healing process.

Take care!! 💜

Jan7 – I never thought of it that way but you are so right in the definition you give – I was actually triggered, triggered by the abuse, a reminder of what it was like for all those months and the times I met him and God! that hurts so badly! I knew this guy wouldn’t be with me in a relationship but what on earth gave him the right to do what he did to me, to belittle me, to bully me, to disrespect me, to verbally and mentally abuse me to top it up with a threat of physical violence and rape to then even laugh at it.

Now, I got his gf calling me every name in the book, telling me I am stupid to have believed his lies when I do know he was not lying in what he said, I do know it. He did not lie to me because he knew I wasn’t a victim for long so he didn’t have to bother with the mask. With me he was so very overt in the abuse he carried out. He told me he had flown to a country in Europe at the end of January to have sex with a woman, he even gave me the airline he flew with, the price, gave me the exact time and the age of the woman he was with. Yet, this pathetic “gf” now tells me that he was lying to me and that I was so stupid because I believed him and that what he meant is that he was with her. I see here manipulation on her side trying to make me believe a story that I know to be a lie (her story is a lie). Argh!!! I know he was with that woman having sex because I know the exact dates he was with the gf (until the beginning of January) and I know when he was with the other woman (end of January), the same he was with me and he was with so many. It is heart breaking because I have told the truth and nothing but the truth to her. I haven’t made up a single word. I have documented everything, screenshots…..and she says I am stupid plus a bitch, and on and on………

But yes, I believe he is a sociopath and I have believed this for long now, in fact since I came to this site and yet, today I am so confused, because how can he be a sociopath with all his cruelty, his abuse, etc and at the same time have those romantic, lovely photos she on purpose sent me to hurt me like hell??? how can that be possible? how can the same man who threatened me with beating me and raped me in our 3rd encounter plus everything else be the same person than the one in those pics with her holding heart shaped balloons, kissing her, etc??? This, I swear I can’t understand. All I had learnt till today, all what I thought and still think he is suddenly seems shaken by seeing those pictures.
The gods are aligned I just received this email from Kim please read it it’s so applies to both of us it explains about how to not emotionally react to a trigger.
Oh I wanted to address something else you said in your post about you wanted to have some power and let him know that you are in control I get that I have done that myself after months and months of no contact so I’m not going to judge anybody for doing that like I said nobody’s perfect we all make mistakes and if we learn from them we can move on.

The woman might have also been sleeping, passed out or went for a mani/pedi.
Nothing that these people do make sense I understand where you’re coming from I would probably want to know two Initial D because it’s so crazy we’re trying to make sense of nonsense.
How are you doing today are you feeling better?

Strong in the city
You are right the ex girlfriend. The one that haunted my relationship with him for 3 years did indeed show up at my door.
I was in shock. Who would do such a thing ? We sat on my porch and hashed out three years of bitterness and hurt feelings. It was the first time I saw her as just an ordinary woman liike myself.
She had had her issues with him also. The back and forth between her and I. He also cheated on her with others even though she moved out to his farm with him dats after he left our home in town. I should have known there was more to her than she was telling. We became fast friends. I liked her bawdiness. I admired her strength to break it off with him.
But then I came to realize she was playing a game with him. She was the cat he was the mouse and I was the person supplying all the information she needed to torment him.
I’m not sure they ever stopped meeting up or stopped sleeping together. She said she was fine but early in August after a late nite out with my mom and I she called him from my house and they met up at a hotel down the road. Next day she came to cry and admonish herself for hooking up with him. She shared disturbing blow by blow details of their night together. It crippled me. I found my self jealous hurt and angry with them both.
A couple of weeks went by that we did not meet up or text or call. Then out if the blue she began brow beating me in her texts.
She wanted me to call her right away and fight it out then and there.
I could not do it. My brother was dying and I was at bedside with my family.
She threatens me with never speaking to her again. I said you know what you are right. We are done now and you won’t hear from me again. That was a month ago. She is blocked now along with anyone else having anything to do with him.
I was a fool to be taken in by her. She played me.
As for myself she did validate that I haw nit been crazy all these years. So she did help me get over him in away.
They maybe back together I have no idea. They deserve one another and I deserve peace.

I just read the links that you posted the story is horrendous and gut-wrenching I am so sorry for you.
I totally understand how you feel to watch your brother die before your eyes I went through the same thing almost a year ago to the day with my ex-husband I’ve been there I’ve cried your tears I know how helpless it is to watch somebody that you love die it is the worst.
Your brother is resting now and in peace it will take some time but you were emotionally vulnerable already I’m sure you know that going through your boyfriend leaving you breaking up with you over a voicemail and moving in with another woman then at the same time dealing with your brother’s cancer nobody could possibly understand the emotions and the helplessness that we feel.

Even though your mother and others were trying to warn you about this woman showing up on your doorstep I think it’s completely normal and natural to have your guard down at that point and I hope that you are not blaming yourself it does not sound as if you are.

I have never heard of this the X contacting the other ex and pretending to be friends to triangulate the narc.
I still am in shock over this and my hugs and prayers go out to you and your family who are grieving the loss of your brother.
She showed up at a time when you needed somebody to talk to and possibly get some answers like you mentioned in your post to see what kind of person she was anybody would do that.
We as highly sensitive people will try to see the best in everybody right?
You sound like you’re handling this very well and coming here to this support forum is very good it’s good to get it out and talk about it with people that understand what we’re going through I have always found lovefraud to be very loving and supportive.
I’m still grieving the last of my daughter’s father she is very emotionally vulnerable too as he had been sick for many years and the last two weeks we’re just horrendous and torturous to watch the dying process lasted two weeks.
May I ask you what kind of cancer your brother had and how old was he when he went to be with God?
I totally understand if you don’t want to talk about it but if you do I’m here.
I’m off work today but I will be working the weekend and Monday evening but will be checking my messages.
PS you’re lucky to have your mom she sounds like a very loving and supportive woman and my prayers go out to her too

I am lucky.
I am lucky to have survived my narc. He has totally ruined others.
I am lucky to have gleaned what help and healing I could from his minion before she turned on me.
I am lucky to still have a job because he almost caused me to loose it.
I almost gave in and gave up and was put on an action plan. Former employee of the year on an action plan.
He sucked my soul till my cheeks hollowed and bags grew heavy beneath my eyes. I couldn’t eat or sleep or deal with day to day. I lost my ability to function. I wanted to die. This time last year I only wanted to die.
I am so lucky to be So far ahead of last years
I am lucky I have my mom and my son and the strength my father gave me at birth.
I am lucky I have survived almost a year without the heavy chains that kept me prisoner 5 long years.
I am lucky to have found all of you and this site. I know I would not have made it if I had not wondered here.
My brothers name was Tim. He died on his birthday. He was 59. He had multiple myeloma. It was horrible. He was special. I am lucky to have known him and watch him put up the best fight I have ever witnessed to live. My brother was my best friend.
I am lucky I am still here to celebrate his life.
Thank you for asking about him.

Strong in the city. It’s been a very tough year.
I’ve done the best I know how to keep moving forward.
It’s been so hard.
Some days too hard to get out of bed or just to breathe.
You know how hard. You’ve been there. I’ve got to give myself some credit, and you credit and what happened,credit and Jan 7, and all of us that are still here trying to live better happier more productive lives I didn’t just lay down and die when that would have been easier. Neither have any of us here.
It’s Something to celebrate I think this year. Survival isn’t it grand.


It’s really common in our culture for women to bond too quickly over emotional things, when we really don’t know the character of the woman we’re bonding with. I had this happen with someone in my social circle a few years back, and I got very hurt. It’s really important to have boundaries. There is a reason she fell for this guy; obviously she has some issues to work out. It’s a hard lesson, but maybe reinstate the no contact rule, even by proxy – his exes, etc. You don’t need another woman’s validation to know you were duped and betrayed. You know what you’ve been through and you know your own worth. This is more of a learning experience for you rather than an opportunity to make friends with toxic people.

Star gazer you are right.
Had she not shown up at my door chances are we would never have spent any time together.
Truthfully I was very glad that they didn’t make it either and I was curious to see why he wanted her and not me.
She intrigued me as she was nothing like I thought she would be.
She was not prettier, thinner , or more educated. She was not well liked, she did not have lots of money, nor was she a better person than me.
I am a bit ashamed that I was so intrigued, and curious.
As the days went by We met often, we went out a lot and we seemed to have become fast friends.
I was wrong. I jumped to quick to bond over our common story. Guess I need validation that she was just another woman. Nothing extra special, just a woman like me.
As time went by I got to like her and trust her.
My mom was right all along. As were others in my circle that tried to warn me that she was just pumping me for information just to further her agenda what ever the hell that maybe.
So again sucked in by a sociopath. This time a female pretending to want to clear the air and help me move on.
So I was Hurt and decidved and betrayed again.
She is blocked he is blocked our common friends are blocked. I have no curiosity anymore , I could care less about any of them. I choose not to be a part of the whole toxic group. Everything I have read about no contact has proven true. No contact with the ex has given me more peace than I have known in 5 years. I have not spoken to him since May. I quit speaking to her and the rest in early August. Again there has been no drama. Only peace. I choose to go on without the drama. I have enough to handle with the death of my brother.
It’s been just shy of a year and I am doing so much better than I was in November/ December. There in no chance in hell I will let any of them back in my life again. I just need to be very careful of who I trust in the future.
Again. This site has been a wealth of information, support, and a safe haven for me. I appreciate each and everyone that has offered me support and advice. I have not visited here since Feb/March as I thought I was healing well. Guess I’ll continue to check in when I need a tune up. I can always use a little help from real friends.

Oh lord!! Yes i can relate to the anger. I would never want to see mine ever again. He has this manipulative way of making me defend myself. Have him blocked and not even curiuos about what he is up to. At least we are both seeing clearer now. I still question what i ever saw in him. Funny i think both of our exs could have been great friends…..and yes karma will get them! Got to see a little of it happening with his health and noone around to help. Now i just dont care. Its good at the same time sad, i use to care so much and he choose same type as yours to surround himself with. They really do get their karma in the end. And we may not be the same , but we will heal and have a fullfilling life. This place is a good reminder of what really happened. Its funny i have thought about you often. You helpped so much during my darkest time. So glad you are doing good and glad to see you again

emtuoba, so sorry for the loss of your brother. I missed that post before. You sound very strong in your resolve to get the toxic people out of your life. Good for you.

I don’t know if someone could give me advice or opinion on the following. If anyone remembers my story you will know that he always told me how he hated make-up!!! He was always talking about this. It happened that I didn’t use it so that was ok but he did tell me that that was the reason he wanted to have sex with me, because I didn’t use make-up and he wanted a pure woman, a woman who didn’t need make-up or jewellery to feel beautiful.

The gf he had all along while with me and while with so many other women (all at the same time) and who lives in another continent posted on a group on Facebook the below. This was dated February 2015, time at which he initiated contact with me through a travelling site, the same site he met the gf and others. At that time he had visited his gf two times for a total of 3 weeks in her country as they live in different continents. So they had only met in person for 3 weeks. It is a long-distance relationship.

On the FB group, which is for women of her country living in his country, in Feb 2015 she said that she was still living in her country but that she was visiting him in March 2015 and that if everything went well she would move to his country to live there by the end of 2015. She was posting because she was concerned about a few things. She doesn’t speak his language and he doesn’t speak hers so they speak in English and I believe her English is not great either because she said that they had some problems in the communication.

This is what she said:

“I have heard that finding a job in his country is nearly impossible if you do not speak the language, and if I have to learn everything I will get married in 2020 because the language is very difficult”. (I don’t understand this because she was saying she was moving there if everything went well during her trip to him but this sentence sounds as if getting married depends on her finding a job????). Then she asks people on the group about cultural issues with their husbands. She adds that the cultural differences is something that scares her, especially what she interprets as machismo in relation to this guy. So she asks for opinions. She explains that he lived in Australia for 1 year and although he comes from a small village in his country he lives in a big city since years ago meaning that he doesn’t come from a narrow-minded place (he is European by the way). She says that he doesn’t like that she wears make-up, jewellery and perfume. She adds that this is causing many fights between them because he met her with make-up and jewellery and now that they are getting married he has become very radical with this (she is talking about marriage and they had met at this stage for a total of 3 weeks!!!! And well, he clearly must have told her during those 3 weeks about getting married). She continues saying that at one time he asked her to choose between make-up and him. She mentions that she chose make-up and that he stayed anyway. She says that she believes this is a personal issue and not a cultural thing. She states that this radicalism, close mindedness, methodical rationalization and someone who doesn’t accept debates or opposite ideas scares her. Even like this she says they love each other and that love will speak louder.

She says how she was going to his country in March 2015 to meet all his family and see the place before making a decision. I must add that she did go there in March and the minute she left he was talking to me again and in April 2015 he flew to me.

As she continued posting she said that one day he hung up on her on Skype because he saw she was wearing make-up. He did tell me that she was too stupid to get a job and visa to go to his country and that she is simple minded. He also told me that they broke up and fight all the time and when she was visiting him in March 2015 he told me that if she didn’t leave the make-up at home he would be single.

Thing is, that I know they still are together as I contacted 3 months ago to tell her what is going on and she said that my attempts at breaking them up had failed and that she loves him and he loves her, etc—but they are still living in their own countries

1 17 18 19

Send this to a friend