By | February 29, 2012 20 Comments

Lovefraud Romantic Partner Survey results

This time last year, Lovefraud was in the midst of conducting an Internet survey about the experiences of Lovefraud readers who were romantically involved with sociopaths.

A total of 1,352 people responded, and the information that you shared was extraordinary. In fact, I believe that the Lovefraud Romantic Partner Survey probably resulted in the best and most comprehensive data about romantic relationships with sociopaths ever collected. Following are some nuggets of information:

Top three ways that survey respondents met the sociopath:

  • Internet 23%
  • Social situations, like a bar, restaurant, club, party 20%
  • Doing business or working together 17%

Top three characteristics exhibited by the sociopath:

  • Charisma and charm 91%
  • Blamed others for any problems he/she had 82%
  • Sexual magnetism 78%

Top three characteristics of the beginning of the relationship:

  • Individual seemed to share my values 83%
  • Individual seemed to have so much in common with me —79%
  • Individual called me frequently 75%

Harm as a result of the relationship:

  • You became anxious or depressed 92%
  • The stress of the relationship made you ill 77%
  • You lost money 76%

The survey also contained 12 narrative questions, in which you could write whatever you wanted. And you did write! There had to be more than 10,000 answers in which you described your experience.

This was actually the second Lovefraud survey. We also conducted one in 2010 in response to the American Psychiatric Association’s request for comments on the first draft of the DSM-5—the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.

Read Lovefraud’s comment about sociopaths for the DSM-5

Anyway, the data from both of these surveys, along with the stories you have told me about your experiences, form the foundation of my new book, Red Flags of Love Fraud—10 signs you’re dating a sociopath. This book tells you exactly how sociopaths hook you, how to escape and how to protect yourself in the future.

The official publication date is June 11, 2012, and that’s when the media campaign begins, so I won’t be saying a lot about the book until then. But Lovefraud readers can pre-order the book. In fact, to give you taste of what it’s all about, I’ve posted the Introduction on the Lovefraud Blog.

Read Red Flags of Love Fraud Introduction

Of course, if you’re a Lovefraud blog reader, you’ve probably already had a close encounter with a sociopath. I believe that understanding how he or she conned you can help you recover. And it can certainly help you avoid allowing another one into your life.

For more information, visit the Lovefraud Store.


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Ox Drover

You know, looking at these results I don’t think that any of them are really surprising to me at least. I think they go along with everything that LoveFraud has been “preaching” as the “red flags” and as Donna’s new book make pretty reasonably [email protected] I hope that the new DSM that comes out will back up what we as former victims know first hand about these predators.

Under no circumstances can these creeps be trusted.


Hi all. It’s Lillian here. It’s been 4.5 years since the spath left, 4 years since he blew my life up and started a downward spiral that has yet to end, 3 years since I first found Lovefraud and all of you and your amazing communications that had a lot to do with keeping me alive. If there is a God or greater being may it hold you Donna in the palm of its hand.

It’s been just 2 years since the spath sued me for half my house and won forcing me to put it for sale in this market. 1 year since his new girlfriend of 2 yrs found me and called to say he was bilking her too. And 2 months since I got a short sale but rather decent offer right before foreclosure deadline. . AND 1 month since I’ve had my very first albeit very small small but meaningful win against the spath.

I switched realtors and the spath refused to sign the listing docs. Then when I got the offer he refused to sign for the short sale saying it behooved him for it to foreclose. He knows I need credit to work and I was very careful of keeping my now former 800 credit score in tact. Plus he lives off others so he doesn’t need credit. Somehow, I took myself to the local County Superior Court site and filled out about 20 exparte forms and went to file them. First time in court they were all the wrong forms but finally got someone to tell me which form(s) I did need. See they can’t give legal advise and I’m on the verge of bankruptcy so lawyers were out of the question. And with foreclosure looming I didn’t have time to wait in line for clinics who can’t give advice or pro bono work. I went back again and I was short a form. Third try I made it to the deputy clerk in the law in motion judges court and he worked hard to figure out how to do it and it turned out there file wasn’t complete from the spaths original law suit i was referencing and they didn’t have the original judgement. I did so I came back the 4th time with the judgement and the judge signed an ex parte court order allowing me or the County Superior Court to sign on his behalf referencing anything to do with the sale of the property. VICTORY! It was small and meaningless as I lost everything anyway but it was so important in the means of personal power. He forced the sale in this economy and refused to sign the related docs. Isnt that contempt of court?

He actually returned from his sailboat (purchased presumedly with my stolen cash) in Mexico and showed up at the realtor to tell them the listing was fraudulent. They informed him of the court order! VICTORY! And he phoned them a few days later wanting a copy. He was directed to ask the Superior Court for copies as the very term Ex Parte means emergency to keep from personal or financial harm and or harm to or loss of property. Notice or hearings including him are NOT REQUIRED. Again why isn’t he held in contempt of court?

I don’t know what will actually happen. The last chapter isn’t written but after four years of feeling powerless, defeated, depressed, being unemployed, broke and apathetic this was a huge step forward in recovering, in being who I am, in regaining some strength and some energy. It is not all my fault. How could it be all my fault? Yes I am the one constant but there was so much more at play. I still lean toward blaming myself but that all important phrase is beginning to break through. I see a glimpse of who I was before and who I really am.

It was worth it. No matter whether the bank accepts the short sale. Or I do end up filing bankruptcy. Or the spath finds a way to stop it. A part of my self broke through and that has made it all worthwhile. I spent the last four years not knowing who this was. And not caring anyway. But I may be emerging. Stronger. Wiser. More experienced. Kinder to myself. And ready to stand up again. There’s a lot to go through still as I will be homeless. But it’s a fresh start anyway. And I will not speak his name again after this. A new book will be written. And there will be no coauthors. It will be my book and I will live my life thank you very much. I’m awaiting the beginning of Chapter One.

If you noticed btw he’s no longer even “my spath”. He’s the spath and soon he’ll just be a spath. GOD BLESS US EVERYONE! a side note – I am not religious in any way but there seems to not be a better fitting close. Thanks again. I didn’t post much but I read every month and you all were truly my steady Eddies! Lots of love and strength. It’s just me again- Lillian

Ox Drover

Dear Dearl Lillian, I am SO PROUD both for you and OF you. As Erin Brock would say, you “backspathed” him.!!!! TOWANDA!!! TOWANDA!!! and TOWANDA again! Good for you in every way. You showed your strength and TOOK BACK YOUR POWER!!!

That is what each of us must do in the end! Congratulations, and I do wish you’d post more often! (((hugs)))




I am going to follow your lead in that my x!husband will no longer be “my” spath. He is AN spath.

I felt a moment of empowerment when I was SO far down that I no longer cared what he did to me. Didn’t care if he smeared me b/c those people he talked to weren’t my friends. If he wanted to bankrupt us, it would hurt him more. It’s amazing how much power I gained once I stopped caring and only focused on getting FREE of him.

And best of all, when the divorce was final 31DEC!!, what a magnificent wonderfully freeing feeling. I didn’t expect it at all, in fact I thought I’d be upset at the failure. But I wasn’t. I felt euphoria, that he was Someone elses problem and that I had limitless possibilities to make a life for myself…. something that was kept from me while I was married.

Thanks for letting me share your moment with you. It’s NOT a new chapter for me; I’ve started a WHOLE NEW BOOK!! Celebrate our hidden blessings! YEEHAW! TOWANDA!

Ox Drover

Katy isn’t it amazing what happens when we lose our give-a-chiat factor? When we finally STOP caring about them, stop trying to change them, accept them for what they are! It is amazing!

Yep you have a whole nuther BOOK starting now! It is called “the rest of my life psychopath free!” LOL


And Oxy, I stopped living my shame. After all, as you say, it wasn’t MY shame. It was HIS. I stopped caring about people knowing what he did to me. All the things he did to control me knowing that I didn’t want dirty linen aired? I even stopped caring that people found out my father was a pedophile. Again, NOT my shame, that was my father’s. AND for his mother and him to gossip about me that way, it made THEM look bitchy, not me.

I am working on changing other messed up messages that I carry but I have let SO much go, and am NOT afraid to name carp for what it is… CARP.


Dear KatyDid, how did you do the “stop living my shame”-thing? This is at the moment my biggest problem. I am now unemployed and have been evicted within hours from my job in the end of october last year by my “colleague” whom I liked and wanted to help getting a life of her own, and I am still collecting the pieces of my shattered life trying to get a grip of it. It is so shameful of having these kind of experience AGAIN and far worse I ever imagined.

In december I was thinking of having Asperger’s and got tested by a specialist, but only after the psychiatrist told me that it was far worse and that I could apply any moment for a pension because I was unfit for almost any profession I stopped this downwards spiral, because the tests he did did not match the reality of my life.

Still I am almost living everyday in my flat going out at dawn or at night to do shopping, not admitting to my actual state.

I must say stop to this as you did, KatyDid! Thanks for sharing!

Time for the spring clearance!!!!

Ox Drover

My dear dear Libelle,

A psychiatrist told you WHAT???? That is absurd! Oh my goodness that must have hurt and confused you even more.

You say that you were evicted from your job “within hours” does that mean you were fired and moved out immediately?

You also say that it was done by a “colleague” whom you liked, (was she also your boss?) and the interesting part is you say “and wanted to help getting a life of her own” That last part interests me. What were you doing to help her “get a life of her own?” Were you giving her advice that she didn’t want?

Libelle, sneaking out at night to do your shopping because you don’t want to encounter the neighbors is NO WAY TO LIVE my dear! Hold your head up and go out to shop with a smile on your face. If they ask why you are home during the day, just say “I’m taking some time off” that is the truth and that is all the neighbors need to know. YOUR BUSINESS IS NOT THEIR BUSINESS to know.

I’m not sure what has caused the problems in your job situations here the last few years. Getting through medical school is enough of a “test” of someone’s brains and social skills that I really don’t think someone with Aspergers syndrome would make it through medical school, but maybe it is possible. However I do thought some therapy might be of some benefit to you, but certaionally NOT from that psychiatrist….from the many I have known, I think many of them are high level narcissists. LOL Find you a kind therapist and see what is going on. (((hugs))) and God bless.


Dear Oxy,
thanks for your kind hugs! Today I started to getting out to my friends who do not know about my situation and to stop to be ashamed.

Maybe it is like you said that you have to sit and redo the test in the University of hard knocks until you get it?

This colleague who was my boss as well was full of red flags, she lives literally in the hospital and has no life of her own, working from 08 00 to 23 00 EVERY DAY of the week, and I was trying to help to cut down her hours. I was not suggesting anything to her but tried to cut down on our working hours and have a life on my own which became more and more impossible. She was controlling me and I got more and more insecure, same game as ever. Basically we had different views of how to care for patients, and she did not trust me as she did not trust anybody. (My goal was to empower the patient to look after themselves and assume responsibilities, and she was pampering them and looking after the minor details; which made me also look harsher than her).

In the end two patients had allergic reactions to medications, everything went smoothly, but that and some minor administrative mistakes I made were grounds to have me cleared from my job early in the afternoon thursday and be gone by friday morning. (I was supposed to give a talk to the residents the same thursday afternoon). It was also strange for the GP’s, and I only can imagine how it was for my patients. I went to a cloister and lit candles and prayed that higher powers should look after them from now on.

The good thing is that I am done now with clinical medicine as I never felt completely fine in the entanglement of GPs, bosses, nurses, administration, insurances and drug companies and the highest emotional environment trying to make it as peaceful and tranquil for my beloved patients whom I miss terribly. Maybe I am so un-narcisstic that I cannot handle such situations that I was a scapegoat for every player in this play, dysphoric GP, premenstrual RN, unhappy colleagues, depressive patients and demanding relatives, greedy insurance, even greedier drug company, negligent administration and the controlling boss. (Aspergers have difficulties in handling complex social situations, and maybe one has to be VERY HIGH in narcissism to handle such situations with bravado). Maybe it was a normal reaction to the extraordinary?

“Who does not lose his mind in certain circumstances has none”

Maybe my romatic encounter with Ex-Spath took off a layer that insulated my soul from realizing all the crap that was going about around me. The problems were there all along but I did not notice them.

I will now try to go into research, just paper, no drama, less players.

The best therapy in my opinion is to be proactive and act, not talk too much. And do sports. I am done with psychiatry. I even considered doing a residency in psychiatry, but in hindsight I am glad I met this chap who prevented me from making another mistake of “more of the same”. LOL (bitter undertone, please).

And the best therapy of all of course is reading LF and thinking about it and getting feedback and feeling understood and not alone. Thank you all for sharing and contributing to this wonderful wonderful site! Bless you all.


Dear Libelle: I must post. I promised Oxy I would try not to just lurk. And speaking of lurking there is no shame associated to what has happened. I have always been private. Okay truly shy but no one would believe it. But when I had been spathed and as the spath spiral raged on I was reduced to becoming someone I didn’t recognize. I spent three years saying “I don’t know who this is?” I did things I hand never done and never dreamed of doing.

People said you are a strong woman Lillian. And I am. I set about immediately to prove them wrong. I wanted so desperately to have someone else be strong. Ummmm, didn’t happen. Then I laid in bed for hours, scratch that days, ummm make that years. Yes over a total of at the very least 1.5 years to be exact. I didn’t eat at all. I ate roast chicken, ice cream and donuts all day long. I worked out every day. I quit working out for the first time in my life. I didn’t answer the phone. I didn’t even answer if it was a recruiter and during this tenure I have been unemployed for the first time in 25 years. I drank frequently. I didn’t drink at all. I was trying to get out of my own skin and subsequently lived with a stranger I didn’t care for very much. And, I’m talking about me. I was so angry at myself for what had happened I tried to disappear. I tried on these sloth persona’s to see if I could find the person that was responsible for this devastation and destruction inside myself somewhere.

I believed and still do believe in accountability and it’s a steadfast basis for who I am and how I achieve success. Well, I will be the one to testify that I may have taken the whole accountability thing a very teeny teeny bit to far. Okay miles and miles, months and yes even years too far. Yes, I still believe in holding myself accountable for the things I do. But NOT AND I REPEAT NOT for everything that happens in the universe. There were forces at play I couldn’t see. I didn’t see the coming. I wasn’t even looking for them. Forces I could never have imagined because there were things that, “I would never do to anyone!” BTW I took over a year to work through that particular quandary. And I’m here to say at the end of 3 years that at the age of 50 I now know like I know my name that I cannot predict nor expect anyone besides me to behave as I would behave in any given situation. Ring ring that was one long clue phone I denied my entire life. Seems simple. Do unto others blah blah blah…. but the end of that phrase is subjective based on who is uttering it and if you think about it the ending can be and is an expansive extreme from one end to the other in reality. And not always, maybe sometimes, but I’d dare say rarely exactly as you might end it from your perspective.

But i digress. In these different persona’s I did another very unlikely thing for me. I talked. I told everyone and anyone exactly what went down, friends, neighbors, coworkers, airplane seat mates, strangers in stores, collection agents, the UPS man (true story), realtors, court bailiffs (whomI have come to believe truly run the court and have come to my defense and aid in certain situations btw), realty lookers, therapists, doctors, plastic surgeons, anestiticians, receptionists, manicurists, everyone and anyone would listen, even those who would’t, just couldn’t or plain didn’t want to. I did everything and anything I could do to get the word out as fast as I could. It was similar to tourettes I might imagine and I am not making light of the disease. It was if I couldn’t help myself from throwing up the hellfire and brimstone that was my current life experience.

As it turns out it became it became an unlikely social experiment I didn’t know I was conducting. Some fled – after the hurt went away – good riddance. Some were indifferent maybe even felt it was unbelievable and embellished. Some were frightened like it was a communicable disease or something. Others said I don’t get it – why do you just get over it. And the ones whom I had helped over the years all but disappeared and vanished. I was devastated by that and engulfed in hopelessness and despair. But this dark energy had filled me up and taken the place of my loving kindness and generosity that had been drained by the spath experience. So it was quite cleansing in a way. And I say that in hind site because at the time I felt out of control and horrified by my ability to air my dirty laundry in public. (a very suppressive and self defeating expression by the way with others like money is the root of all evil etc. – another topic for another post another day) But there is nothing dirty about laundry haning in the warm light of day blowing in the breeze. I did come across other things like compassion, kindness, understanding, assistance, love, support and other things required to survive from the most unlikely of places, people, situations and things. Thus became the I am literally surviving on the kindness of strangers.

You see I rarely asked for help as long as I remember. My parents couldn’t deal, I skipped ahead a grade so I was younger than everyone so I didn’t ask questions and as the blows of life belted away at me I handled it. I helped others. I worked tirelessly and paid my own way and many other people’s ways along the way. That took three years to learn as well. How does someone like me ask for help without internally combusting. Well at first that’s what you do. I sobbed for days. I melted down. I hurt all over like I’d taken a beating. And then it was very very quiet. I looked out the abyss that had become between me, who I was and my life. And when I could see nothing. Nothing. Nothing but the world without me in it I was forced by that abyss and a kind stranger who had become my friend to ask for help.

I’ve gotten it in many different forms and from many people out there I knew well, didn’t think I knew at all and had never known at all. Some of it perhaps not exactly what or in the way I wanted it. But it was there for the asking. And there is no shame in it. Yes, “The truth shall set you free,” could just have meaning in it after all.

Sometimes when we have given everything for long periods of time and we are truly drained and devoid of things to give we must learn to take. To seek and accept all those things that have emptied out of us so to replenish. I stayed empty through stubbornness and anger for quite some time. It was a cold black place to be. And there wasn’t a shred of forgiveness in it. Not for me, not for anyone. This tunnel of emptiness had a hard black rock wall at the end. Well, it is beginning to appear to be a crack in that wall. It was probably always there but my clenched fists and scrunched up closed eyes of anger couldn’t see it. There’s a tiny little bit of light and warmth squeezing through I can see now. I suspect the crack is bigger than it actually appears. And if not I’m starting to shop for an auger and a pick ax in case I have to help it. Maybe its time for me to begin to help myself again. Time will tell.

Maybe once I’ve got the house and job thing behind me I’ll throw a big old freaking tunnel party and there will be augers and pick axes for all who join me and we’ll knock the crap out of that black wall at the end of the tunnel. It’ll be as Jim Morrison wrote and the Doors sang into eternity we’ll just have to, “… break on through to the other side.”

Libelle, start talking sweetheart. Start asking for help. Begin to receive and replenish those reserves that made you who you were and became drained by those who deceived you. I’d bet money if I had any left that given the facts ahead of time about the things you didn’t know or see coming, you would have behaved differently. And that is the difference. You behaved as you did and allowed the things that happened based on the information you had at the time. That’s all. It’s not a crime. It’s a life lesson. One that would have been easier to learn at — I don’t know the age of ten. But we’ve learned it now. And that is what’s important.

Lots of love, understanding, compassion, help, strength and kindness to you and all of us here at LoveFraud. Seek, accept and replenish. It’s just me again, Lillian.

Ox Drover

You know Libelle, Lillian (thanks for keeping your promise to post more) has some valid points here.

You are a physician. You worked with cancer patients….that is a LOT of giving…and in other clinical areas you worked GIVING to patients. I think your EMPOWERMENT of patients is the RIGHT way to get patients to assume responsibility for their own care to the limit that they are ABLE. Encouraging them to participate in their own health care! Right on. Of course if your boss was against this it would be very difficult to work with someone like that.

I think those of us that give and give DO have big problems asking for HELP. I know I had a big problem with going to a counselor, and a psychiatrist, and being on the “patient side of the clip board” being on the RECEIVING side of the clip board, being on the WRONG side of the clip board, was embarrassing. I was suppose to GIVE help not receive it.

Those of us who were trained from birth to do for others to be kind, to not ask for help but to GIVE help….is difficult to break that cycle. I have NO problem doing anything for anyone else, but asking for help myself….very difficult. It feels shameful. I wish it didn’t. I’m working on that. Being able to TAKE help is also a gift to the giver who wants to help you.


Dear Lilian, dear Oxy
thank you so much for your wonderful, empowering posts.
I had to be careful not to ruin my computer with the tears I never thought of. I just started talking, and you and Oxy are the best proof of principle. (((Hugs)))

Ox Drover

Libelle, when I first came to LF in the summer of 2007 i cried and I cried, it is a wonder I did not drown my computer! Even today sometimes I still cry, sometimes tears of happiness when someone starts to heal, or even tears of sadness when I don’t do something The way I want to…but tears are cleansing, so let them flow. There is almost always some one here at LF to talk to you, so come here. REad and post. It will help. (((hugs)))


Dear Oxy, and friends….thank you that you said you cried alot. Because I am crying ALOT! The shock is gone, the denial lifted, the reality i have accepted……. but the littlest things make me cry. My poor pets at home, they just look at me like “here she goes again”. and they actually try to comfort me! The tears just keep flowing. For 2 years I have not seen my Grandchildren,or spoke to my children. I cry for the love that I cannot shut off for the man I was married to for 28 years. For the life we “had” ( which was an illusion)…I know it is Trauma Bonds,,,,,,but I really did love him! ….. you see I got strong and divorced him even though he was a pathological liar and passive-aggressive Spath ,to only to rush out and marry the DANGEROUS spath 6 months later!!! So I am still grieving the loss of the “marriage” to the passive-aggressive,and the trauma bonds of 28 years……. I think after the 10 months with the Dangerous spath I question myself why I didn’t stay with the first???? Yes, it was terrible: abusive, lies , stealing money, porn addict,no intimacy……but he didn’t try to out and out destroy me. Or did he? They were both Spaths, but the second was a 10 …the other a 5. But I had a life, a family, my faith, my reputation, i had alot, now it’s all gone. So I cry. I cry. My children blame me for destoying the illusion of the family that we had,and that was my goal…hold the family togehter and enjoy my kids and grandkids……..we were the family to look up to! But at the cost of my health: emotionally,physically and spiritually. I just couldn’t hold it together anymore, or so I thought then! But now after Spath2 it makes it look like a walk iin the park!! I was abused in many ways in the first marriage……but NOTHING IN MY LIFE has compared to the pain, loneliness, grief and destruction of this past Spath AND WE WERE ONLY MARRIED 10 MONTHS, before he did his dasterdly deed and destroyed me.
I have had both parents die by 5, was sexually abused by a family member, raised a family putting them first after married at 18, lived with the abuse and lies of a passive-aggressive Spath for 28 years who after 25 years admitted to the porn addiction that i knew was there, but he always lied to my face, and 3 times discovered he was hiding $40,000 debt….for what I will never know…..(but he told my children it was just him providing for us, and we never had enough. That was a lie, as I lived in a budget and never spent money we didn’t have.) Anyways, All of that does not compare to the marrige of Spath2!!!!!!! I am 50 and 48 years of life does not compare to the pain, and anguish I am trying to dig out of. I am 50 and have no savings, no insurance, no alimony, no retirement…….and I saved and was responsibe and worked hard all my life. Who knew?!!! I guess it’s true, be thankful for what you have/had because you could always have it worse…… I am at worse. I come and go to work that “just” keeps the house and lights on…… No friends. No family. No church. Just wake up and say “God help me” and off to work I go……. and then come home and do it day in and day out……….
so I cry alot.

I am reading Codependant No More, and I can see I am a rescuer……have always been.

I always had the dream of a marriage and family…..but I honestly don’t think it would be possible to NOT meet a Spath. I could never, ever trust that they were not lying to me like the last one, and then completely changed on the honeymoon when he let the mask fall and I looked in to the eyes of a beast I did not know.

So many mistakes, sooo much confusion, so many questions there will never be answers to, so much destruction. So many dreams gone…..
So I cry. Tissue anyone? hugs. Bella

Ox Drover

Dear Sweet Bella,

After my husband died in the aircraft crash, I was so lonely, felt so old (I was 57) and undesirable, and I cried and cried and tried to take care of my dad who was dying with cancer, and the egg donor who had had surgery and hip fracture….and put my grieving on hold…but ran into an “old friend” from my living history group and he was divorced and I was lonely so you can imagine what happened. I am sure about like what happened with your marriage…turned out he was PURE EVIL….looking for another respectable wife too cheat on. Now I was grieving the loss of my husband in the crash, AND the creep boy friend.

Plus, my son Patrick, the one in prison for murder, used this time when I was down LOW to send his Trojan Horse into our family to kill me and make it look like suicide (I WAS depressed at that time for sure) and he conned my egg donor, my son C and his wife the P-DIL from hell…into hooking up with him….and when I found out what was going on of course no one believed me, except my adopted son D….so I can relate, Bella, I cried until my eyes swelled shut. My minister (who later turned out to be a pedophile that got arrested) turned his back on me, and the church members as well. I understand. You are NOT alone in this, Bella and the crying and crying and CRYING some more is normal. I do suggest though that you might look into a group counseling, maybe call the local domestic abuse hot line and see if they have a group there affiliated with them.

Work on getting out more and doing something besides go to work and come home and cry and crash…take care of YOU. And you need some socialization with others, go volunteer for school or scouts or something. You may not be able to see your grandkids, but you can spend time with some kid who has no grand ma and needs one. God bless (((hugs)))



You do have friends. My heart goes out to you. My drama keeps on going, no end in sight. I’ve told my attorney that the estranged hubby (he’s out of jail now, sending letters to me and my kids) is going to have to contact him from now on because I am now reacting physically to the spath (last Friday, after talking to a school official about spath man, my hand swelled up, experiencing terrible pain, lasting up to the present time), now being told that I have arthritis in my hand and I need to see a hand specialist. This hand condition developed suddenly, out-of-the-blue. I cry too, being very disappointed in how my life has turned out – it hurts. I literally am saturated with suffering, not being able to take any more. You are not alone, be sure of that.

Ox Drover

Dear Bluejay,

(((hugs))) I am so sorry that you are going through all of this trauma! Stress will do lots of things to our bodies. I suggest that you see a doctor who specializes in arthritis and other diseases like that. They have some medications that can help. If you have it in your hand you have it else where as well, so a “hand specialist” might not be the right kind of doctor. (((hugs))) It does get tiring. God bless.


Ox Drover,

My brother and I met with the lawyer yesterday. I am wiped out, needing something to refresh my mind. The lawyer was surprised that spath man is out of jail, “but anything can happen”. He said that he will contact spath man’s lawyer, telling her to inform spath man not to contact me and the kids. Hope that works. Regarding my hand, THAT was a surprise. I like your suggestion, wanting to see someone ASAP because my hand is still experiencing pain, stiffness, weakness, and swelling. It’s gotten somewhat better, but not enough. I have an appointment to see a hand specialist next week (Tuesday a.m.), but I can look into seeing a rheumatologist instead.

Ox Drover

Dear Blue Jay,

Get inn to see who ever you can see FIRST, even if it is the hand guy, a rheumatologist is also a good bet too….but I think you need to see someone FAST. Bless your [email protected] The rheumatologist can do blood work to see if it is RA as well..well, technically any of the docs can do the blood work, but long termm I would go with the rheumatologist.

I’m glad you sent work to him through is lawyer to leave you alone. I hope it helps, but you may have to get a restraining order, but if so I would do so.

Cut out as many of the “stressful” things in your life as you can, and stressful people! LOL If you aren’t in some therapy you might see about getting some to help you cope with it all. Cut down on caffine, nicotine, booze (if any of those things) and try to get some better sleep and REST. Leave the dishes if it means you get more sleep…take care of YOU. (((hugs)))

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