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Lovefraud Survey: How did you deal with a female sociopath?

I am currently working on a book about female sociopaths. I’ve collected a lot of data about the experiences of Lovefraud readers with disordered women — perhaps you completed my previous survey.

One of the topics I’d like to address in the book is how to deal with this type of person. So I ask you: If you have, or had, a female sociopath in your life, how did you escape, cope or move on? What techniques or strategies did you use to manage destructive behavior or get the person out of your life?

I’m looking for information in the context of any type of relationship:

  • Romantic Partner
  • Mother
  • Child
  • Work colleague or business associate
  • Family member
  • Friend or acquaintance
  • Other

If you would like to share your experience and suggestions, please complete the new Lovefraud Survey:

Dealing with Female Sociopaths

 


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16 Comments on "Lovefraud Survey: How did you deal with a female sociopath?"

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Donna I’m glad you are doing this. I filled out 2.

Glad to help. Currently going through a felony conviction against my adult daughter.

Glad you realize there are female sociopaths out there, lots of them

I am a female sociopath. An a lot of what is written on this site is true. I have a boyfriend of almost 3 years, when we have sex I usually let him finish and I don’t, when I see he is drifting from the relationship I cry and make him feel REALLY guilty, to the point I could literally get whatever I wanted from him. I don’t use him for money or looks(he’s not that attractive to other people) he is genuinely someone important in my life, I lie almost naturally, I just can’t help it, I twist a story to make it easier on me, or to get what I want. How i feel is so hard to explain, I see life as every man for themselves, you do what you need to survive, weather that’s lying to or manipulating someone you care about or someone you don’t even know. It’s so much more than what you or anyone else put into words. It’s a feeling of life, you don’t care what others think, you don’t feel guilty, who the fuck wants to feel sad or guilty?? When someone’s friend or family member dies, I try to sympathize but my best line is, “that sucks”. I enjoy being able to get the best outta life without worrying about people I don’t even know or caring what other people think because everyone sucks and in the end we all die, so enjoy your life while you have it.

You sound like my daughter.

Glad you are doing this.

As a Christian and a lesbian it almost seems as though it’s a double whammy to be violated/betrayed by a female sociopath/psychopath. Sad (but I believe to be true) that men’s psychopathic behavior is often some-what “excused” or at least, more easily “diagnosed.” After all, they are men, right; base, crass, sexually driven, prone to stray…? The ONLY reason I got out (so easy, compared to most) is because my “discard” came when she packed up and moved to another state (unbeknown to me). The ONLY reason why my “discard” happened is because her “fan club” had also moved out of state. Those she complained about/blamed constantly to me about everything (from theft to pathological lying) had all left her physical proximity. My abuser’s daughter went away to college to BYU in April. Her sister and her family moved to Idaho in June. Shortly after this I began to hear all about who I know now to be her new target, some “friend of the family” who lives in Idaho…. Late August: she brings her son to my home and I treat them to dinner and a movie. She drills me as to why have I stopped responding to her texts? (By this time I began to realize all that’s been going on; puzzle pieces were finally coming together after 2+ years of utter confusion). But honestly, here I am, still in love, trying to mend what I think I broke, etc. Two days later I find a rather expensive item that I’d lent her months previous to this left in my driveway. No text that she was returning it, no knock at my door to say “goodbye” (as I now believe that to be the day she left the state) to her “best friend.” So I text and ask what’s up? My response in text was my discard: “I have no time for you so I can’t read your text. I will respond later. Maybe.” That was 4 weeks ago……… How did I deal with her? I guess I never answered the question. By the time I began to figure it out, I had already begun to minimize contact. For the most part, our texts were few and far between. When she’d contact me it was all about this great, nice guy in Idaho. My numerous questions to her always went unanswered. So my only contact with her would be if she contacted me first. I never did “deal” with her. I loved her. I still thought that I was salvaging at least a friendship (since our romance fizzled; but oh, she “still loved me ‘like no one else ever.'”) The hardest part is her kids…. I now know her daughter is “becoming” her. She’s shown all the tendencies towards pathological lying. Why wouldn’t she? She’s been lied to and manipulated into believing all sorts of crap since the age of 5! Her teenaged son, I grew very fond of him. He is genuine, kind, thoughtful and loving. But he too, is a “product” of lies and manipulation. I hope above all else that he doesn’t become a predator like his mom.

My adopted daughter put us through hell for six years. Then one day, not long after she turned 18, I drove another of my children to piano practice, and when I came home my oldest was gone. She left me a note that said, “Sorry, this life just isn’t for me.” Vanished without a trace. If it had been up to her, we would have never found her. It wasn’t that she decided to leave that was so bad, it was that she never said a word – there was no inkling that anything was up. It was just a normal Thursday. In fact, before I left, she was working on a school assignment and asked for my help. She didn’t take a ride to piano because she “had a lot of school work to finish.” I found out later she met a boy online through Instagram (direct message on a “like for tbh” post). She had been secretly communicating with him for two weeks, they decided they were in love, and then she drove off in a car with him about 15 minutes after I left for piano that day. She had never even met him face to face before. And they had worked out this whole plan of telling his parents (because of course he still lived with his parents too) we were abusive of her so they would let her stay (they had taken in other abused teens, so he knew just the hard-luck story she’d have to tell them to make them believe her). They thought they were protecting her, but they really were enablers. She manipulated them far too easily. They must have gotten more than they bargained for though. After about a week of begging my daughter to come home and her telling me she was 18 and could do whatever she wanted, I showed up at their home with all of my daughter’s belongings, which I deposited in their driveway. I told them they could keep her because she was no longer welcome to return home. I told the father, who still seemed unsure of who might be telling him the truth – the black cloud I had been living under for six years was gone, but I could see it collecting over your head. Enjoy the ride you are about to be taken on mister!

She lived with that family for three months: drove their son out of the home, got into fist fights with their daughter, nearly cost the father his job. Those poor people threw her out. They literally set all of her stuff back in their driveway and made her leave the house. They told her to figure out where to go and how to get there.

That was 2 years ago. These days she has her hooks into a man who seems to have no idea what a manipulator she is. He is financially supporting her. She got pregnant – now he’s supporting two dependents. She is beyond thrilled – all she has ever wanted is to be taken care of. Problem is that I think she has met her match. I think he is a psycopath. He moved her away from all her friends and family. She lives in a run down trailer in the middle of nowhere – hours away. She has no access to a car. She cannot go anywhere without him. She thinks this is a sign of his devoted love. He has convinced her that she doesn’t need makeup or to worry about her weight, so she has let herself go. Then he uses the fact that she let herself go to gain sympathy from other women to cheat on her with. He has done even more despicable things too, but he gave her a big engagement ring, so she is blinded by that. She uses crying and perpetual victimization to manipulate him. He uses isolation, psychological dependence, and complete physical dependence on him to control her. I think they will destroy each other eventually. He is completely disgusting and disrespectful behind the mask. Unfortunately, so is she. Just sad news all around, especially for their little baby.

My experience was with a masculine identifying lesbian. She lured me in and had me absolutely smitten with her even though I am straight, and never felt an interest in women. She looks a bit like Tom Cruise and LOVED being compared to him. She played the victim – just a stable, hardworking person trying to find one sweet girl who would make her coffee in the morning. She said she tried dating sites, but was having no luck, that there just weren’t a lot of lesbians around, and her ex (she still had multiple pictures on her phone of her) had broken her heart, cheated on her with 7 people, and left her when she was hospitalized. I thought I could rescue her, help her navigate the dating scene and watch out h=for her best interests. Little did I know she had set me in her sites as her next supply.

She was/is powerful (a high ranking military member and previous pilot), charming – EVERYONE loved her. She presented as being such a kind, thoughtful, positive person. She had the predator stare, she looked at me so intensely one time I started blabbering jibberish about the color of her eyes matching the wall behind her. She just kept staring with a blank face. She has beautiful green eyes, and I thought at the time I was just focused on how pretty they were…

She had no shame regarding sex, even though she felt like she was a guy with female equipment. So crossing the line into being physical with a woman was so seamless because she had no reservations, which helped me get comfortable. She is an amazing kisser. She never said I love you, but made me feel like a princess, paid for me to fly in to see her, always paid for dinner and drinks… She had dozens of “friends” around but they were always shallow, superficial connections. She didn’t seemed bothered by the surface level connections and would accuse me of having a demanding energy when I wanted real depth.

She would brag about how good she was in bed, saying that sex with her would change both of our lives… She uses Facebook and social media apps to build her network, and would triangulate often. She would interact with other girls in a public post, and they would always lavish praise. She repeatedly got comments about how she was a hero, or a model for both men and women to look up to for her military service – but she solicited those comments by routinely posting pictures of herself in uniform and talking about missions and service she was working on. Most people would keep that private…

She would build false trust with me by telling me all the “bad” things about the other people. She takes testosterone regularly for her Addison’s disease, and would claim her ability to not love was because her body could not stand the stress. She said she “Feels nothing. Cant feel anything” when arguing about our relationship. Asked me over and over and over “Do you see me?” when we had sex. The last time we had it, it was phenomenal – but she was always looking for me to tell her how great the previous encounters were, but I didnt, since they were just good.

She would give me the silent treatment, gaslight me, and pull the “I’m sleeping in the other bed” during the devaluing stage… She feeds off praise and brags so much I could never understand how people tolerated her, but of course they are just seeing her in small doses. She would play the rescuer – if someone was having troubles she would invite you over to cater to you with beer or cocktails, and they would talk about how awesome she was for being there – but really, it was just so she could get praise and not be alone.

She was attached to a dog that went everywhere with her, but was never really loving towards it. She is dominant, refers to that side of her personality as her “Alpha”, she was dismissive of her staff and bosses in private, clearly believing she was smarter… My guess is that she is. She acknowledges that she thinks strategically, and jokes about not having emotions in public. She can come across as aloof, or direct, but only I saw the cruelty and the coldness in her. She always spoke to others with a feigned softness and caring. Literally the nicest person in the world is how you would describe her. Hiding in plain view, and very, very manipulative.

She was charming right up until the discard, after months of me trying to pull away, she had me come visit a last time and filled the house with adoring fans. There was clearly not going to be any time spent one on one together, she intentionally brought me there to ignore me and have me see how in demand she was… I left that night and sent her a message in the morning, crying and distraught over feeling so worthless, believing that it was me who kept messing up… I was practically telling her I could not see how I would make it through as I was in such a dark place. She sent back a completely robotic flat affect response, then waited until I was in the middle of an 8 hour drive to tell me she wanted to focus on some other girl who she thought would “be valuable to me” Totally playing on my feeling of being invaluable.She wanted to kick me while I was down. It was clear she WANTED to hurt me. I even told her at the time I did not understand why she was telling me, since we were no longer dating and there would be no way for me to have known….

She wanted to see my pain, but I felt at the moment that if she found someone else that she should pursue it and I wanted her to be happy. That made her take another shot at me, and I asked her for kindness to help me rebuild my self esteem. She responded saying she wanted my friendship but didn’t want me to be confused and think there was anything more because there never was. (this after 6 moths of flattery, You are beautiful, I miss you, You should be here so we could enjoy xy or Z, weekends together, hundreds of texts, videos and pictures exchanged in constant contact).

I often wonder just what she got out of me. What she wanted. I am sure I was a transition unitil she could find a source that was closer to her… It may have been the appeal of knocking down a kind, warm hearted, very successful professional (her level but in a different field) woman – she may have perceived me as a challenge, but my constant questioning of her BS and pulling her card probably frustrated her. I did not follow blindly, though I certainly fell for her. I kept demanding behaviors that a regular relationship would include, and this may have gotten old. But to beat me down and kill my self esteem to nothing may have shown her self how powerful and intoxicating she was… Beware the total girl next store friendly, the helpful neighbor, the unassuming, down on love, super girl that everyone loves. She used that pity to reek havoc.

When she was done she just vanished. No follow through on her want to build a friendship, no checking in to see if I am ok, no discussions of what happened. Just gone and focused on the next source. No doubt if it doesnt work out she will come back to mindfuck me again, but this time I am ready.

I have just joined Lovefraud having heard about it on tonight’s episode of Insight. When I went to the survey, it said that it is now closed.

My question is, are you still seeking stories about the subject of female sociopaths?

My story is a doozy, and I will need to set a day to write a sketch of it down. The situation with her was so odd, when I later put myself through a Diploma course, I wrote a 5,000-word research paper inspired by her behaviour in which I proposed a new mental health disorder to describe it.

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